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Private Eyes

Women ruin everything. For instance I was doing my routine day off errands today and popped in to Trader Joe's. Soon after walking in my eyes met with this bearded cashier. I was caught me off guard because I was in such a hurry and when he looked at me his eyes locked on to his target and they were very intense. Throughout my shopping he kept taking the time out from ringing people up to look over at me every time I came around the corner. I decided to take time to check him out in return. He was a nice looking guy. I tried to listen to him with his customers as I walked by and could tell he had a kind heart and a soft demeanor. He was wearing a short sleeve tee-shirt so I could tell he wasn't the most worked out guy but had a good solid build. Unfortunately he had some tattoos on each arm. Personally not my style but something I could over look for an actual date. This must be what my friends are telling me about. "Try meeting them in a normal way" when they insist that I will never find "the one" from online dating or bar hopping. I got nervous. I was nervous thinking about trying to strike up a conversation with him at checkout that may lead to me inviting him to dinner. I strategically pursued my shopping while eyeing the checkout lines and waiting for that opportunistic chance that his line might open up.

I became frustrated quickly as it turned out that he was apparently everyone's favorite cashier. Four lanes were open but people kept lining up in his. Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel and I made my move. He had only one person in his line and everyone else had two. He was halfway through ringing her up as I stepped in right behind. I thought for sure this plan was solid. He made some immediate eye contact that made me almost uncomfortable because now I was only steps away from him but I thought to myself "Don't back down, shoot him those piercing baby blues". I tried to meander a little mutual in return yet much to my dismay in my nervous fit of looking around acting as though I was aloof my eyes locked with the one cashier lady that motioned for me, "Sir, I can take you over here". Dammit!

I was so outraged but had to play this one off something cool as I made my way to her checkout line and made sure to let my shoulders seem sunken. When I reached her destination I sighed to let her know I was frustrated and the more thought I had given I became angrier and angrier. I saw multiple customers walking up right behind me and realized that timing was only seconds away from working out in my favor had I not made eye contact with her I was moments away from another pushy TJ's customer making their way to her line before me.

This cashier was also the same woman who had stood by while I waited in a line of four deep holding one of the heaviest baskets any of my visits to Trader Joe's had ever seen while only one cashier was on duty. It made me think of all the times I have been into that particular Trader Joe's and wondered why this seemed to be the only store that did not hop to when trying to get all customers serviced and checked out in a timely fashion.

I was outraged by the inconsistency in their level of service but realized how it might sound if I complained. While she was ringing up my items (and she was quick - as if she couldn't wait to get me the hell out of there) I took a moment to look back at my momentary crush of a cashier who was unsurprisingly staring right back at me from his eyes to mine. I figured "what the hell?" On my way out I would give it a go and say "Have a great day" in a neighborly fashion and at least see if this might muster a smile for confirmation of the flirtation that had just taken place.

Unfortunately when I walked by he was elbow deep into some soccer mother's shopping cart of weekly supplies and did not give me one last eye kiss on my departure of the grocery. I wish I had refused her offer to ring me up, "No thank you, I'm not interested." I could have told her that I didn't mind waiting and that my basket was heavy and I would just stay put. Maybe I will get another chance on a different visit but today's experience surely was not my victory.

Insults to Injuries

This time baby I'll be bulletproof. That's how I felt on my last visit home. Looking back its as if I have all these war wounds that have now made me the person I am today.

I'm nearing my three year anniversary in New England and each time I go home I am less and less tempted to ever move back. I miss my family and close friends, don't get me wrong. But the bible belt is intense. To call it a different way of life would belittle its varied array of misgivings. Morals, outlooks, and beliefs are held in such different regards. The underlying theme is Christianity. Okay. That's cool. I like that. But then it becomes something that you wear upon your sleeve. When I lived there and during my adolescence I thought, this is how you know that you believe because you are shouting from your rooftops all of your personal beliefs and putting your "personal" relationship with JC out there for everyone to see. This is what made it real.

So I thought.

This last homecoming trip something clicked. It was different. I met up with a few friends that I grew up with going to Church with and it was interesting that during both reunions within the first 5 minutes they had brought up church. Either mentioned their own church, referenced the church that we had grown up going to, or asked me if I had found a church yet. I realized that it had been nearly 2 and a half years since I had a conversation with someone (other than my parents) in which I was cornered about my involvement in the church. It seems like no one around here really brings up the topic on purpose, although every now and then it will come out. But it is only matter of fact. It is never in protest or to boost one's self-image. It is just a thing. Its not the ONLY thing either.

It is hard to tell how extreme the bible belt really is in comparison since there are so many of the catholic and jewish faith in this area.

It wasn't just this religious epiphany that made me not miss my hometown quite as much, it was a multitude of other instances that took place during the course of that weekend.

As mentioned before my Boston buddies had flown into town to meet me. We had made plans to attend the Beer, Bourbon, and BBQ fest for the second year in a row. Although this year we had brought along an additional Boston buddy and the weekend did not play out as one might have hoped. He was pushy and aggressive all weekend long. He fought back about every item that we had on our itinerary (or lack thereof). The originals had come to Charlotte to see my previous pathways. They were hoping to follow in some of my footsteps, see the things that I had grown up with and the places I had frequented. We definitely did not have on our radar wild nights out on the town in Charlotte, North Carolina. The new addition, however, did. He had conjured up this idea that going out on the town in Charlotte would be a fun excursion for all of us. He neglected the fact that two our of our four barely drank or went out and that two nights out on the town in a row in addition to a day of drinking at the beer and bourbon fest might have just knocked the wind out of them. He also paid no attention to the fact that the gay crowd in my hometown is one of the most miserable and pathetic bunch of a-holes and what that might feel like for me to have to spend more time around them than I would ever like to for the rest of my life. He was inconsiderate and rude. He has this way of making others feel bad when he is the one that wants to go against the grain. This trip really helped solidify for me things that I had felt brewing between us. No drama whatsoever, just an inkling that this guy was just not the type of friend I was hoping for in my collection of long term friends.

On our second night out I was miserable. My fault. I get it. I am the owner of my own destiny.

So I bumped into this guy Josh that I had been friends with in college. We had originally met on a date and I ended the date with a "we'd be better as just friends". We hung out often but it was always some sort of awkward. He might have had too much to drink and when dropping me off at my apartment would ask "should I come up?"

Dude. No.

So on our second nights' outing we bumped into Josh. We were at the bar that was formerly known by another name (As most ill-financially planned gay bars are) and I was already subject to the reminiscing of good times gone bad from my past immature misadventures in Gay Charlotte. I introduced him to my friends and in typical Charlotte Gay fashion he said hello to them with his hands. He touched their chests and he touched their arms saying "so nice to meet you". It was one of the most disgusting displays I have ever seen. I let it slide the first few times but then pestering Josh listened in to our conversation of where we might go to next. I made it a point to tell the boys not to let him in on our destination but much to my dismay Josh overheard us regardless. Sure enough he was at the next (and more than likely only other open gay bar on a Saturday night in Charlotte, North Carolina). I was standing with New Addition, One Original Boston Buddy and Josh when Josh began talking to New Addition with his hands again. He was commenting on New Additions tattoos or something like this grabbing onto his bicep along the way. I stepped back and said "You know, Josh, I'm sure [New Addition] would prefer if you wouldn't fondle him as you speak"

Josh took a moment to pause. Stepped back away from me and looked me up and down. Immediately I fell back in time to the days when I lived in Charlotte. I regressed and realized that I understood what was about to take place since I was highly educated on the primal rituals of the Charlotte Gay Male. I prepared myself and told him, "Go ahead Josh, look me up and down and figure out what you want to say about me," and he did...

"I thought you were all into fitness, but what are you pregnant?"

As soon as the words registered in my mind, without pause I stepped in to him. New Addition and Boston Buddy Original excused themselves silently as they understood what was about to transpire.

"You know what.
Josh.
I didn't say shit.
about you.
that was so ridiculously uncalled for.
whenI did
NOTHING to cut you down.
that's why I am glad to be done with this miserable town.
all that you miserable Charlotte fags want to do.
is cut one another down.
when what you should be doing is helping each other out.
(at this point Josh tried to put his hand on my shoulder, and started with "I'm sorry, I didn't mean...")
No. get your fucking hand off of me and get the fuck out of my face.
you charlotte fags can stay here being fucking rude to one another cause I'm done with you miserable assholes.

I left him speechless.

Id like to think that after 2 years of being in Massachusetts some of their flair for the dramatic has worn off on me. I know for sure that I would have never had the audacity to tell someone off that way before moving away from Charlotte. It felt good to call him out.

Thats how the gay "community" down there behaves. They either are caddy because of years of Designing Women reruns or they are all incestuously trampy with one another. Its as if they have only seen gay people in movies or TV shows and that is their only source for knowing how to act.

You would think in a place like the bible belt that as the strap gets tighter, loop by loop a small subculture like the Charlotte Gays might come up with a better strategy for sticking together rather than adding insults to injury (literally!).

Baby I'm a Star

As I mentioned before I am so frustrated and tired of yearning and waiting to be someone's sloppy seconds when I'd rather be their just desserts!

About a year ago I got a message from this guy Craig on one of my dating sites (we will refer to them as dating sites to make things easier for all of us). He messaged me and commented on how handsome he thought I was. I was in shock. He was the dreamboat that I had be thinking of since first realizing my boytraction from early on. Brown hair, brown eyes, he's italian but not guido. His smile alone could melt my heart. He is a total smoke show to say the least.

So we emailed back and forth for a bit. We even became friends on Facebook. I usually don't like to do things this way because more often than not once you see a guys facebook it is all down hill from there. Not the case for Craig. I enjoyed his posts. I found them to be witty and insightful. We had the same "likes" and "dislikes". Attraction was confirmed.

and then...

Craig ***** updated his status to "In a Relationship"

He started seeing someone. This was before he and I had met in person. Before you knew it his facebook was overloaded in pictures of THEM together. We met online in November so of course his pictures were holiday themed. THEM at a tacky sweater party, THEM at a black tie dinner, and THEM getting on my very last nerve. These were the dates that Me and Craig were supposed to be going on TOGETHER. I deleted his 'friendship' without hesitation. This was evil and I wanted no part. I moved on and pushed him way out of my mind. The biggest part that had bothered me was that it had been him that first approached me which is rarely ever the case. The only guys that approach me first are either of the following three if not a combination of two or more; fat, old, ugly. He was none of these.

A few months passed and low and behold I see him back on the same website that we had met before. I emailed him. We connected. I asked if he was single and he admitted that his BF had cheated, so they broke up.

I couldn't help but to feel vindicated. I don't like this feeling, but I felt vindicated he had dated this guy instead of trying me out for size and this little asshole cheated on him. Craig is sweet, handsome...I just don't get why someone would cheat on him, but I did have a thought of "that's what you get, fool!"

That is what you get for not chancing it with me. His dating profile states that he is looking for guys that "DO NOT PLAY GAMES". I am anything but that. After our initial email reunion I asked him to go to dinner. He put me off. Busy this week, how about the next? This went on for two weeks because typically for guys like this I can only allot a two week notice. I give strangers that I meet from online a two week window to book the first date and after that I completely lose interest. Call it my pride, call it self-worth, but take a picture sweetie, cause I ain't got time to waste!

You might not know it now, but baby you'll find out...

August 12th

"If you are still available and are interested I would love to get together sometime after August 12th". That's what this kid said to me after we haven't seen or spoken to one another in who knows how long. I thought it was odd. "Uh, okay," I said uneasily, "what happens after August 12th?" I figured he would admit to being a shit. I also assumed that this was somehow or another the official date that he would be done with his boyfriend.

Let me back peddle a bit here. See, it is not that he actually HAS/HAD a boyfriend of sorts. When we first met he told me that he had "Someone". When asked he did not admit to this person being a boyfriend. He even admitted to there not being a future there but insisted that I "understand his situation". Um, No. If you want me you want me. Moving on...

You could call him a "Missed Connection" success story, or then again I guess you could not. That is how we met. We both checked each other out at the gym. Both of us were too chicken shit to speak to one another (well...I take it back. I said goodbye to him as he left the gym but then he coward with his tail between the legs when he mumbled goodbye in return). He posted the missed connection and much to your UNsurprise I had been checking the site religiously after I got home. I just KNEW that night was MY night and sure enough he posted. I replied. He replied. I replied again. "Wow that was fast," he mentioned. We admitted to having a mutual interest. We could not decide who's was stronger, and yes, we even argued.

We decided to meet for dinner that night, after finishing our separate workouts. We had, what I would normally refer to as, a GREAT FIRST DATE. We had the same interests for the most part. The things he said that got on my nerves were things that I would stomach for at least a second or even third date.

But then it got awkward.

Even though I had NEVER seen this guy at the gym before, OF COURSE now I saw him every night of the week. On our first date I had been aggressive in trying to book the second date. I'm a firm believer in "Act now, or forever sit at home alone". He said that he had a prior engagement and would not be able to make it but come Friday night he was at the gym with his workout partner. I tried to hurry through my workout and when he stopped me for chit chatter I tried backing out. Then he came and found me in the remote part of the gym where I was finishing up. "If you aren't doing anything after..." He invited me to grab a burrito next door and then much to my dismay invited along his (what I later came to know as Chatty Kathy) workout partner. He did not stop talking the entire time and gave me and this guy NO TIME to get to know one another. This was pretty much the last time that we saw one another outside of the gym. Since then there have been random texts.

I think it is incredibly obnoxious that I have to wait for everybody else to make up their minds. I have to wait for people to decide that they would actually give me a shot (after the other guy falls through). Well I will tell you this much fellas...I'm not gettin any younger, and I sure as shit ain't gonna sit on my ass and wait for boys who play with toys. Instead I'll be looking for the man with the plan!

You can take August 12th and go shove it up your pie hole.

Fizzy Lifting Drinks

Hold your breath,
Make a wish,
Count to three...

I feel as though yesterday I was a just a child sitting in our recreation room watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on a television that was built into a box of wood. The knobs on the set pulled out and turned to adjust the picture and every movie began by declaring that it was filmed in "Technicolor". When I was 8 years old it seemed like I had my whole world ahead of me and anything was and would be "possible".

Twenty years later reality has set in and bitch-slapped me across the face with its backhand. It is a harsh and cold truth when you wake up and realize that more than likely it will take you much longer than you had originally anticipated to accomplish what you originally had dreamt of being possible. When it is all said and done, most of us will be considered lucky if we manage to accomplish half of what it is we had dreamt of when we were younger. Things like "becoming a "firefighter", or a "veterinarian" were much easier said than they are done. Did we even know what these things were? I guess we had these dreams of rescuing children and cats from burning houses and really tall trees. The hopes of becoming a veterinarian must have overlooked the sadness of putting other people's beloved family pets to sleep and taking away actual members of their family. The motives were right: help others, be kind to women and children, take care of animals; but reality told us that we needed to actually make some money.

The closer to 30 that I get I am realizing that most (if not all) of what I had hoped to accomplish is incomplete and barely even started. Write a book. Own a business. Be in better shape. These things are just barely on my radar as we speak.

At 25 I thought that on my thirtieth birthday I would like to hire a photographer to do a self portrait photo shoot because I had hoped to be in the best shape of my life. No nude pictures or anything like that and not even pictures with my shirt off. Just something to commemorate what I would plan on being a great time in my life. Now, one and a half years away from 30 I feel as though I am in the worst shape of my life and currently hate the way I look in MOST pictures. So much for that idea.

While making my way towards becoming an adult I have never quite learned how to put any sort of money aside. I signed up for keep the change with BOA and yet I seem to have a habit of logging in every couple of days and transferring that money to my checking account in order to prevent any overdraft possibilities. I set a recurring draft of $30 to my savings account every pay day and yet I also seem to wait until the last minute to transfer that over pre-overdraft also. I have no savings. I have a small amount of credit card debt. I have just a little bit more to go on paying off my car. For the most part I life pay check to pay check and can't help but wonder "Am I an adult yet?"

Slowly inching my way towards 30, which is my new milestone age after surpassing "25" and "28" I am scared. I feel like Charlie when he and grandpa Joe drank fizzy lifting drinks and were inching closer and closer to the ominous fan blades that were anxiously anticipating their demise. "Grandpa look at me...I'm a bird, I'm a plane, I'm...I'm...I'm going too high!"

Getting older is really scary. It is odd to me that at 28 years of age I have two roommates (one 22 and one 24). At times I feel like their grandfather. Mentally I don't feel 28 and I definitely don't feel "almost 30". I don't know where this time went. The main time I do feel my age is when I go out to dinner with a friend and begin our night being optimistic for a night out on the town but then when dinner is over around 10PM my bed sounds like the best idea I have ever had. I can't believe I have reached a point in my life where I am absolutely content with staying home on a friday night and fully satisfied to be in bed by 11PM on a Saturday; EVEN when I have Sunday off!

It would be nice to reconnect with that childhood innocence that I once had. That time when dreams were never too big, and achieving your goals had no boundaries or limitations and anything was possible.

There is no life I know to compare to pure imagination.

Little Miss Connection

I couldn't tell you which I think is more pathetic. Between my personal commitment to find a missed connection on Craigslist that has been posted about me or the lackluster posts themselves. People are dying to connect out there. Whatever happened to our guts and guile? Better yet...where did our balls go?

I know I can speak for myself that in my adolescence I was one of those people that pretty much threw themselves at the people that I had my eye on. I wouldn't say necessarily that I regret that behavior, but I can tell you for certain that it did not get me very far. Nonetheless it was fun.

i just got home from the gym. There was a cute younger guy (by younger, I mean closer to my own age than who typically checks me out at the gym). As soon as I walked by him doing lat pull downs his eyes were locked on me in the reflection on the mirror. I continued toward the locker room a bit confused because he was really cute. Then the analyzation began. How gay could he be? He has nice arms but a little softer in the midsection (then again, same as me). He had that cute puppy dog look that most younger gay guys have, but then again, maybe just another artsy Tufts student (they seem to run rampant in my neighborhood with their skinny jeans, tattoos, and handmade lesbian coffee ((see Diesel Cafe)). I couldn't tell.

I began my work out close by him. In order to do so I skipped any sort of a warmup and in turn I think I pulled two muscles. One in my shoulder, and one in my foot. All in a days flirtation.

He kept locking eyes with me and it wasn't just because I was staring back at him. The eye contact remained but there were no flirtatious smirks, no smiles of homosexual nature. I really was having a hard time reading this guy.

He continued looking me up and down through his and my workout. So much so that he awkwardly walked back into the locker room after passing me on my way in, while he was on his way out.

It made me think about missed connections. I was anxious to get home to check out craigslist and see if by some small chance he had posted. Then I realized that Craigslist takes forever and that if he had rushed home like a loser and posted right away then it would probably not register for a few hours regardless. I thought it was dumb. I mean granted, I am making something out of nothing, since he has not posted (hopefully, YET) and yet it made me think of all the other posts I have read on there. "You were working on arms at the gym today, you wore orange shorts, tell me what color mine were" I mean come on guys. Can't we grow a bigger set than this?

I have to say, if this was a post that involved me I wouldn't remember what color shorts I was wearing myself let alone what anybody else at the gym was wearing. I don't know about you, but when I am physically attracted to some one "fully clothed" is not how I choose to remember.

I just think of how much easier it would be if we turned up the flirtation knob a bit. I mean he was OBVIOUSLY checking me out. I would not have noticed him had he not began the flirtatious eye dance. When it is all said and done it makes me think that if someone doesn't have the courage to be the first to make a move in person then maybe they aren't worth pursuing at all.

Let it be known some connections are worth being missed...