Thanksgiving in the Carolinas

My Thanksgiving trip home was one of the best and favorite visits home yet. I was pretty much booked solid from the time I landed. We headed over to Aunt Glenda's straight from the airport for an early Thanksgiving feast. I got to see my cousins and extended family and it was nice but a bit overwhelming as I might have preferred to sit for a bit with just my parents after arriving but nonetheless I was thankful for the family time.

Then we made the trek home to Sun City where my parents now live. They have really made a home for themselves out there which was made quite evident from the glorious light display that my father, aka "Clark Griswold" had constructed in the front and back yards. It was heartwarming to see, especially after my sister-in-law had emphasized to me "They are REALLY glad that you are home!"

Sunday night I just chilled out. I was exhausted. I had been working NONSTOP leading up to this "vacation" (if you could call it that - since I was on the go the ENTIRE time!) and I needed to rest a bit.

The next day I started with a cup of joe from Dean and Deluca (OF COURSE!). This was ONE of many trips to the D&D. I had brought home with me two pairs of jeans to have altered at my favorite alterations shop. I knew the owner and have a girl there that I trust to alter my jeans. Having someone that you can trust to touch your denim is VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

After getting my jeans taken care of I got a phone call from my buddy John and told him that I was gonna come pick him up and make him check out a possible reunion venue with me.

The venue was AMAZING, but the details are "more to come..." once those reunion plans start falling into place.

After that John and I made our way to Tega Cay/Fort Mill to meet his BF for lunch. Then we stopped by to say hello to my mom and give her a hug and kiss.

From there I headed over to Ronna's to check out her new house. It was crazy to me that she got it for under 200,000. (Hope she doesn't mind me blogging that out!) but the fact that someone that is my age owns a house that is two stories (and i think even has a basement) and a back yard, and a driveway, and a porch, and some other shit too, and yet here if I was to buy something for 150-200K it would be some hole-in-the-wall piece of shit. They would call it "Historic", "Rustic", or "Cute", which would basically translate to "old", "dirty", and "small".

Then we headed over to the mall to check out my old work crew, and then made our way down the street for happy hour. My friend Jamie happened to call in the meantime and said she had something that she was embarrassed to ask but that she would just come right out and say it. I figured that it was some embarrassing gay question but was confused why she would ask something like that when I haven't seen her in forever. Instead she admitted to being a HUGE twilight fan and asked if I would want to see New Moon. Since I am a proud card carrying member of TEAM JACOB I agreed.

I left my work crew to meet Jamie just in time for the movie. We had about 5 minutes to talk and catch up before the movie started which led to Jamie jabbing me with her elbow throughout the entire movie because I had a hard time containing my emotional outbursts every time that Jacob showed up on camera. It is really hard to believe that the kid is only 17 years old.

Regardless my first day was action packed to say the least. The second day I spent with my parents. I cooked and prepped our Thanksgiving side dishes and dessert in the kitchen with my mother in the AM and in the afternoon we went to see "The Blind Side". The movie was tear-jerkingly emotional to say the least. I could hardly contain myself throughout the duration of it. At one point my mom looked over at me cause I had gotten choked up and I realized, she is not even phased. I also realized that I was sad about parts that were not even happening in the movie because of my Social Work background from college that I had been thinking about worse things than what was even actually coming through onto the movie screen. This confirmed (ONCE AGAIN) for me that Social Work was not an avenue for me to pursue.

We had our Thanksgiving with the family celebration that night and my brother and his family came over. It was great spending time with my three beautiful little nieces. I miss them so much and their love and their innocence. It feels so good to be a part of their lives. Luckily I have managed to impress Daisy (the youngest) just enough so that she remembers who I am and smiles every time she sees me. This was only the third time that I have gotten to see her since she was born and I was happy that I was able to hear her say "Uncle Justin, I love you!"

On Wednesday I made my friend Allie be ready by 930 AM so that we would be able to get in some good QT with one another before heading on to other correspondences. Allie lives in NY and we are closer in proximity than any of my other friends but for some reason when we are both in Charlotte at the same time it is easier for us to meet up when she has no car, and I am borrowing my mother's. Interesting.

We had a lot of fun catching up and I had mentioned to her that one day I might want to start my own company and she said that she would work for me. I still smile thinking about when I used to work with her and we were both salespeople but I would talk to her like I was her manager. She hated it. She would roll her eyes at me and sigh. I think this is why we became friends.

I went over to Lindsey's house next. We got to spend an ample amount of time exhausting our efforts in trying to help figure out one another's lives. This is typically the case with Lindsey and I. We have been friends since high school, suffered/endured many ups and downs and always managed to bounce back from it. I was glad that we were able to get in this time before meeting up with a few high school alums for drinks that night.

In the midst of this transition I met Natasha at the Penguin. It was loud as hell, and made me remember that Charlotte, unfortunately is NOT a NONSMOKERS world. People sat on both sides of us at the bar smoking. One guy lit his cigarette, smoked half of it down and then left it in the ashtray, lit, with the smoke wafting straight into my secondary smoking nostrals. It was gross. It made me happy to think about returning to Boston where you cannot smoke indoors. I forget how pleasant it is until venturing to these Smoke friendly environments.

Meeting up with my class of 2000 alums was very fun and quite entertaining. I had randomly posted an invite for everyone on the class page. Just a casual gathering of whoever was interested and whoever was in town. Could be big, could be small, no big deal.

It turned out to be a larger crowd than I had originally intended and I was pleased with the turnout. People were thankful that I had planned it but I really felt as though I had made no such efforts. They were also thankful that I was taking initiative to plan our reunion which was really interesting to see and made me feel a lot more confident about taking on such a large task.

It was a great end to a short-lived homecoming.

The next morning I spent with my parents sitting at Dean and Deluca before heading to the airport to head back to Home #2 aka Beantown.

2010G-Card

My friend Mike gives me such a hard time about wanting a boyfriend so badly. He is always saying that he doesn't understand why it has to be the "Be All, end All" and why can't people just be happy being single.

I've done enough. I've seen all I want to see. Trust me. I can call it quits for now.

I think it is silly how there are all of these gay men out there that are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and up and they don't show any signs of slowing down any time soon. Is this what my gay future has to offer? I'm tired now and I'm only 27. I can't imagine how I will feel when I am that age.

When I talk to my friend I can tell that he is completely satisfied with the idea of not settling down anytime soon. That is fine. But for me. This is what I want, and I want it right now. I want to find someone that I click with immediately. I want to settle into a relationship fast but so fast that it was effortless to get through. I want things to come naturally and not feel so planned out or orchestrated.

I met this guy for a date and the date was awful. I think it was because I had not been on a date in so long that I was nervous. He seemed nervous too. But knowing me and my self-consciousness I had a hard time differentiating his anxiety from his disinterest. I felt like he was either afraid of me (which is not good) or that he was just so completely not interested in me.

This is the part I hate about dating. It is that time in the date (typically the beginning stages of a night that has yet unfolded) when there are no boundaries. It is best to get out early. At least that way I have time to make it home and order a pizza and cry throughout an entire episode of Grey's Anatomy. But no, you sit through it and it gets worse and worse. This is the worst kind of date to be on because you are thinking two things in your head the entire time and having to keep up with both thoughts while the other person is giving you nothing to work with.

He asked me lots of questions, which meant that I did most of the talking. When it is right, it's right, and in this case it did not seem so. I'm not a question asker. I actually hate asking questions. Well. I take it back. I love to ask questions. But only if it is something that is really intriguing. I don't think that you can really find out or know that much about someone by asking them simple questions like "how many brothers and sisters do you have?", or "So you grew up in Charlotte and were there your whole life?"

I mean. This is dumb.

He kept asking me questions so much so that by the time we got on the topic of gay marriage I should have just ended the date myself and called dominos right away. It was all downhill from here.

When it comes to gay marriage I sound so bitter and awful that I wouldn't want to date myself.

So that was done.

It is exhausting to think that this was the last real date that I had. It seems like nobody wants to just date and be friends and see where things go. It was as if on that date that we had both had too high expectations and that we were both getting nervous about nothing. We had no connection. So I was not upset when we ended it.

I with I knew how to not be so awkward. In that moment there is a sense of rejection even though the feeling was mutual among the two of us. Why can't we both be so brazen as to say to one another, "Hey dude, lets just be friends and see where it goes, later buddy!"

Simple as that.

In other news I am still longing for someone to come sweep me off my feet. Its getting colder outside and the timeline is getting shorter for having a permanent man to kiss even without the mistletoe. I have gone so far as to start joking about turning in my gay card by the end of the year but I am only half joking.

I read some articles a while back about how couples in England (I think) were straight women that married gay men. They collectively agreed to have/raise children together but to have separate sexual lives apart from one another otherwise. There is something to be said about the importance of companionship. I think it would be nice to raise a child with a girlfriend of mine that I was close to. I think finding something like that might even make me feel more loved than how I feel when I am out on my own searching for it.

We shall see what 2010 brings to the table.

Let's Get Unconscious, Honey

This blog is called bedtime stories because it is one of my all time favorite Madonna songs and videos. I love the surrealism in the video version of the song and I love the background vocals chanting "Let's get unconscious, honey". It sings praises of the unconscious and it speaks out on how useless words can feel at most times. No matter how much talking we seem to exhaust our efforts on there are many times when our words seem to fall flat without meaning or cause.

"Today is the last day that I'm using words...they've gone out, lost their meaning, don't function anymore..."

That is how I feel today. I got a phone call from someone at work today that had misinterpreted an email that I had sent. They perceived this email to have an aggressive and/or abrasive tone when in fact it was in no sort meant with such intent. During our (seemingly pointless and one-sided) phone "conversation" (the quotations are assuming that a conversation is held between TWO consenting adults and not just one) I was unable to get a word in edgewise in order to defend my point of view via original email. It was not very fair. I felt like my words were useless so I chose to use none. If utilizing my words was not being effective, then I opted to use none in order to get the mission accomplished. The mission was to make it a point not to send emails as such and the lesson learned was to just pick up the phone and call instead.

I hate bearing the blunt of someone else's misgivings. It feels as if this anger that was evoked from the email was not solely based on the power of my one single email. It must have been a conglomerate of issues that had built upon one another.

I mean when you think about it...this would have meant that my email held way more power than I had ever originally intended. I think that it is funny, this emailing back and forth. You learn early on from online dating and chatting that your words or phrases can quickly be read in the totally wrong context. It is frustrating and you feel as though your lesson has been learned. We obsess over and over about our emails before actually pressing send. We read them to one another. We delete the entire thing and start over again. We even go as far as to save a rough draft and revisit this email later.

So with that said, one would think that you might recognize this delicate and sensitive form of communication and not take it too seriously when read in the wrong manner.

I don't get it.

Today is the last day that I'm using words...

Ol' Aunt Mullard

It would be pretty safe to say that two of my all time favorite relatives would be my Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred. As a child I stayed with them often (to my recollection) and every time I did it was a different kind of fun. I've mentioned before that my family is part whoopie cushion.

Needless to say, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Alvin are on the whoopie side of this coushion.

Their house was in desperate need of an update. There was nothing modern about it by any means. It was a ranch style house with laminate floors in the kitchen, a bumpy 70's style carpeting throughout the hallways and the living room and a furnace-style fire place in the middle of everything. You know, the kind that is circular and black and has tubing that goes up through the roof, you put coal or wood or whatever (I really don't know and can't remember) to use it. They had an old TV set that sat on the floor but was one that had wood built around it to make it look like furniture. I loved their living room. Even though they smoked cigarettes so religiously that my sweet Aunt Mildred sounded like that of Ebenezer Scrooge. Her voice was raspy. Every now and then it was almost weezy. She coughed if she spoke too much but she was one of the sweetest women I have ever known.

I can remember a big long stair case going from the back door of her house to the backyard. I remember a big (scary) dog that lived on the other side of the fence, even though it was only scary as a child and a dog that wouldn't harm a fly when I was older. I remember being in the backyard with Cousin John Arthur and playing Mother-May-I with Aunt Deborah. I remember John Arthur talking about how he missed his dad who was Aunt Mildred's Son. I remember him not really ever being around except probably 5 times in my entire childhood (which were probably not many more than the times that John Arthur got to see him either). I can remember John Arthur's anger and frustration when his father didn't show up to his own mother's funeral and I can remember being angry myself at John Arthur's father. I had a hard time imagining what kind of son wouldn't show up to his mother's funeral especially if his mother had been Mildred.

As a child I know I was one of her all time favorites. I was lucky to only ever catch the softer side of Mildred in my youthful bliss. It was Uncle Alvin that seemed to bear the blunt of most of Mildred's insults and yet in a way they were only insults of love.

During one of our many Thanksgiving gatherings my mother jovially asked Aunt Mildred if she was only giving Alvin a hard time because she loved him just so much, and under her breath she muttered, "Pshhh...Shit." We all smiled at one another but my mother let out a "woop!" and quickly scolded her by name, "Mildred!"

At family gatherings you could know when it was official that Aunt Mildred had shown up because the house was filled with the smell of her collard greens. She brought them to every single gathering that we had, it was always "her thing" to bring. I think she was probably one of the only ones to ever eat them, but regardless, she would never think of not showing up with a pot full of them on her next visit.

Aunt Mildred's biggest life lesson that she taught to me was this: "Jesus loves". Its an important one. It is simple and it is true. From an early age I can remember her trying to teach me the song, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...where?" The song goes on to utter lines such as "I've got the love of Jesus...down in my heart...where?" Mildred's heart was the biggest one I had ever known. She loved her family so much and I miss her often and wish that I would have known her as an adult.

Uncle Alvin was with us for some time after Mildred's passing. He married into our family when he married Aunt Mildred, but he was ours and we would claim him in any realm or respect. We loved him just as much as we loved Aunt Mildred. I can remember having dinner at my Aunt Deborah's house and giving Uncle Alvin a hard time about black people. He was from a different era, and I always found it fun to try to challenge his thoughts and views. We were having a discussion about how nobody at the table was racist. (In truth, if you have to make a point to discuss it, are you really NOT racist?) Regardless. I asked Alvin what he thought of me dating a black girl. (At the time my family didn't realize that I wouldn't be dating ANY girls, let alone a black one!) He huffed and puffed and sighed. He said, "Lord I hope I am dead in my grave before that happens!". We laughed because we could acknowledge how silly he was being.

There was a lot of fun to be had when Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred were around. I remember a time when I was staying at my Aunt Deborah's house and Mildred had called over there to speak with me and my cousin John Arther. Deborah tried to hand the phone to me and I pushed it away proclaiming, "I don't wanna talk to Ol' Mullard". Deborah laughs and laughs when she tells this story. I don't like to think about it. I don't like acknowledging there ever being a time when I didn't want to talk to Ol' Aunt Mullard seeing as how now I don't get the chance to.

She was full of old southern wisdoms and I'd give anything to have a little piece of that right about now.

Appalachia and the Hereafter

For my first two years of college I attended Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. If any of you have ever met me your first instinct would be to ask "what on earth led you to attend that school?"

At the time it was a venture to escape and a journey to set myself apart. My older brother had attended NC State and my older sister went to UNC-Chapel Hill. I did not want to follow in anyone of their footsteps. They were both very successful in school. My brother's smarts came naturally to him, he went on to accomplish his PhD in mechanical engineering and is now a professional smarty pants. My sister on the other hand struggled through out high school but made it a point to study hard and develop a strong work ethic through her studies making her very successful at a tough college as well.

And then there was me. I was always somewhere in between the two. Smarts came natural in certain academic efforts and if I had just tried a little harder in my studies I would have been what one would call VERY successful as well. Looking back I know very well that I did not give it my best effort. All of that fault is place upon myself in retrospect. I regretfully should have tried harder and I would be more proud of myself for completing college. Looking back I feel like it was just something that I showed up for and not something that I really put much effort in to and I regret it a lot. So much so that I reminisce about my days in Boone and wish wholeheartedly that I could just do it all over again.

I did not finish out my schooling at Appalachian State however, I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte which happened to be my Dad's alma mater, purely out of coincidence. Small town life was just not for me. I needed to find 24 hour CVS locations and restaurants that served liquor by the glass. I needed bigger and better.

On quiet days and nights off I miss the "luxuries" of Boone, North Carolina. The mountains and fall foiliage at your fingertips. In a day you could venture up the Blue Ridge parkway and find a little quiet spot and sit on a rock that overlooks all of God's beautiful creation. You can be alone. You can be quiet. You can pray. You can wish. I miss this feeling. This feeling of just you and no one else. In the midst of the most gorgeous mountains and landscaping.

There is also something I miss about being able to roll out of bed and walk into a restaurant like Boone Bagelry and order a Bagelicious on a Spinach Bagel for breakfast.

It is unfortunate that when you get out on your own and begin developing a career you realize that it would NEVER take you back to Boone. What else is going on in Boone? Nothing. That is the beauty and the downfall of the entire town altogether.

I miss it so. I realize that it was necessary to escape to pursue my great endeavors but oh how nice would it be to go back sometime soon.

Dear Happy Appie, I love you.

Crazy For You

It has been a while (a little over a month) since I mentioned my crush. I decided to stop talking about him altogether because of what has transpired since I last mentioned him.

In my most recent post about this customer crush of mine I had mentioned being nervous about sending a follow up email. I wanted to find the courage to be a bit more direct if not indirect by sending a shamelessly flirtatious and suggestive email. But I had to do so without sounding overly inappropriate, this is my work email account after all.

He beat me to the chase. Which seems to be the case in most instances where I am stressing about calling or emailing him. He seems to be the one to take the lead. Now keep in mind, the message behind these encounters is clouded. There is a sales exchange of merchandise at hand. He comes with the intent to accomplish a mission. A missing piece of fashion from his wardrobe, and in the meanwhile flirtations between us arise.

He emailed me to let me know that his shoes were not working. The email was one of the gayest emails I have ever read. "I have bad news, I will be bringing someone with me. His name is Ferragamo and we are just not that into one another". I had sold him a pair of shoes that he was originally unsure of and had mentioned the prospect of possibly returning them. When I first read the line I my heart sank. I thought he was bringing his boyfriend with him. That would have just been my luck!

So I replied, "No worries, if Ferragamo is not working out for you then we can find you someone else that you are more compatible with".

Our emails to one another are typically replied within a few minutes. This one took 24 hours and I got "Actually wore the shoes today, so I guess I will keep them". It was awkward and uneasy. It did not make much sense and he did not really seem like the kind of customer that would do this. He was very cautious in everything that we did. All of the fashion choices that we made together he gave much thought and consideration. The ones that were made that had heavy influence on my part he decided to have bagged separately so that he could make his decision before "committing" to the choices by wearing the clothing or shoes. It is something that I kind of like about him, seeing as how my fashion choices, and impulse purchases are always kept because the rush I get from pulling my freshly purchased merchandise out of the shopping bag and ripping the sales tags off BEFORE trying it on again at home is just insane!

I sent him another email back, attempting to prolong flirtation and in order to evoke a response. I wanted to send an "open-ended" email with an inquisitive intent so that I could keep this strain of emails going further. "No problem! Hope that you are enjoying your "Guide to Style" Book that I sold you, Have you found any new fashion tips to challenge me on yet?"

I got no response. I think I pushed it hard and it fell off the counter. I didn't hear back from him for a week. Then I took the promotion to move on to another store. I figured it was best. I thought that this way he could go to my old store in peace and not have to worry about seeing me if I had made him uncomfortable.

Weeks passed by and while standing at the register at my new store I was busying myself by looking at the sales numbers. I had just finished writing out a note to my team when I looked up and saw him standing right in front of me.

I was caught off guard. "Oh, hey, hows it going? I'm over here now". I mean. Obviously, right?

Then he said, "Yeah I know, I asked for you at the other store and they told me that you were working over here, so I wanted to come see you".

Now tell me this...Do you know any straight guys that would follow someone like this? It just doesn't make sense to me. I have had guys that acknowledged their own lack of fashion know-how. I have had the guys that like letting me help dress them from head to toe because they just need the help. But this guy. This guy is different. It is the little things like this that happen that make me question his intent.

I was so thrown off by his guest appearance that I could barely help him at all. He had brought a cardigan to my register and the department that he had got it in is two departments away from mine. He casually asked if he could try it on. It was weird. Did he really need to come find me if all I had to do was let him into a fitting room? Then he asked my help with shoes. I gave suggestions and then turned him over to my buddy in the shoe department.

I felt uneasy. I was uncomfortable. I have tried to push out of my mind the feelings that I have secretly developed for him. After our awkward exchange of emails I tried to forget about him. Now what?

I'm not making any more attempts.

When we were wrapping up our time together I asked if he was still living in the same area. He said that he was. He also mentioned that his office was right beside my new mall and that he typically stops into the store quite often from work. (This is convenient) Then I mentioned that my roommates and I were planning a move to Davis Sq. He said "Oh, I'm pretty close to Davis" He mentioned a circle of streets that he lived near and I said, "That's weird, thats exactly where we are moving"

As it turns out the new apartment that we are moving to is a block away from where he lives. Now I can't help but wonder when and where we will bump into one another if Davis Square becomes my new stomping ground. I can only hope, and I can only dream, right?

Will we see each other jogging in the summertime? Will we both be in line for coffee in the morning? Will he buy me a round at the local hangout? Who's to say when or where it all might happen but lets just bide our sweet little time for now...

You're so close, but still a world away...

Maw Maw

Watching the Hannah Montana movie really made me homesick. Hearing the grandmother call her grand-daughter Darlin' and honey made me miss my Grandma's really badly.

I miss my Grandma Lowe, which was my mom's mom.

I miss how she used to ask "give me some sugar" and she would hold out her cheek and wait for a kiss from me. I miss the time at Christmas when we gave her a VCR (that played VHS - very high tech at the time) and she said "Aww you got me a Mitsu-Bitchy". I miss the Thanksgiving Day when we all were so hungry waiting around for her to show up and my mom called the local J&K Cafeteria on a hunch and sure enough she was there and eating all alone. She made it a point to eat there every Thursday. When my mom asked her why she was there she simply replied "well honey, it's Thursday". This of course was in her later years, when her mind just began to get the very best of her. I miss dancing with her cheek to cheek at my cousin Lisa's wedding.

I miss how she used to tell my mom, when they would eat at the Cupboard (a local country cooking restaurant in Charlotte) that there sure were a lot of babies in the room. This of course was also later in her life. She was right at the border of senility and it was hard to tell when she was having a moment and when she was making a profound statement. My mom questioned her after looking around and said "Mother, there aren't any babies in the room, what are you talking about?" and Maw maw just commented about how all the waitresses would call all of the gentlemen that were dining in for lunch "Baby". She was always quite a lady, my maw-maw. She always had her own way.

I miss how she would take me to Hardee's for a hot dog. I miss how she would never order it plain, as I would request. I miss how she would tell me that you couldn't even taste the onions, and yet I would never ever eat them, not even just one. I miss how she had packets of ketchup stowed away in her drawers because it was free and you could ask for extra. I miss the stale Nilla Wafers in her cookie jar. I miss watching reruns of "Dallas" and "Hee-haw" with her and Paw-Paw while I was curled up on the couch.

I thought about it the other day and I remembered spending lots and lots of time at their house when I was younger. Maw-Maw and Paw Paw would watch me a lot and I really miss the time that I had when I was there. It can be tough being the youngest in a family like mine. You get the best and the worst of worlds to experience. I experienced Paw-paw's stroke, and then later his death from a child's eyes. I never understood his health problems but just thought it was because he was really old. Looking back I remember teaching him how to write again after his stroke. I just thought it was fun that I was able to teach my paw-paw how to write and he was so much older than me. I never knew it was because he had forgotten how to because of brain functioning and that he would not let any adults bother him with lessons but would always listen to me.

I think about things like this and I wonder what it would have been like had they had better health or if they had lived just a bit longer. What would my adult relationship with them entail? Maybe I would bear the blunt of some doctor's visits? Maybe I would be visiting them regularly at the home to make sure that they were still eating.

In my Maw-maw's last days I remember that in the weeks leading up to her time to go I made my last visit to her at the nursing home. I took her a bunch of roses and kissed her on the cheek. She was eating dinner with some of the other ladies from the home and she introduced me to all of them and had the biggest smile upon her face. Looking back I know that the moment didn't mean half as much to me then as it does now, but I am glad that I was able to have the memory. It was the last one that I have of her. When I heard that she was in the hospital I also heard that her health had faded fast. I was told that she had refused to eat and that her memory was shot and she was on the way out. I did not want to see her like this. I wanted to remember the big smile that I had seen when I visited her at the nursing home. I wanted to think of her as that sweet robust woman that is full of joy and full of life. The one that always asked me for "some sugar".

Later on mom told me that the last memory I had with Grandma was one of the only things that she remembered in her last days. It meant a lot to me that of the few memories that she was able to retain that me and my bunch of roses had been one of them.

I miss my grandma quite a lot. But most of all I miss my Maw-maw's sugar.

A Game of Horseshoes...

What else is out there? I haven't even settled in here and already I can't help but think about what my next move will be. Ever since I took this job in Boston and things happened so quickly I have become fascinated with the idea of being able to pick up and move anywhere that you want (I mean as long as we are opening a store there).

What is next on the horizon? I never had considered it until my roommate has made me listen in on her watching CMT in the morning and listening to Rascal Flats while she gets ready in the morning, and then we went and watched the Hannah Montana Movie and that was it. I want to move to Tennessee. We are opening a store in Nashville at the end of next year and the possibility of being able to rope myself a cowboy really excites me!

In the movie Hannah returns home (to Tennessee) and when she walks in to her grandmother's living room in is overflowing with Billy Ray Cyrus and the Rascal Flatts singing and playing the banjo. They are going around the room taking turns singing verses about something stupid like finding a snake in the gutter. I want to imagine that every living room in Tennessee is just this way. At the end of the movie Hannah jumps on the back of a pick up truck to finish out her concert at a local fair. I want to dream that there are concerts performed out of the back of a pick up at all times in Tennessee.

I miss the south so dearly. There is just something about it that is different. A way of life. A thought or two. I miss it all the time. I am fully enjoying my time spent in beantown and I wouldn't trade these Massholes for nothin'. But in the back of my mind I miss the little things like rocking chairs and fresh made sweet tea. The kind that is so fresh that you hear the ice crack as you pour the warm brew over the cubes. I like how the outside of the glass is warm but the drink inside is so cool, calm, and collected. I miss butter. And Ranch Dressing. These are things that are taken for granted in New England. People scoff in disgust at cooks like Paula Dean because of her usage of Mayonnaise and butter, and yet when I see her show I don't realize that there is anything wrong with her style of cooking.

Take me to another place, let me understand your plan...

Only Just Begun

How on earth did I get here? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Sometimes these questions just rise up in my mind. It still amazes me that I made it out of Charlotte, North Carolina. I never had the feeling that I needed to get away but when I look back on it I know that I never would have made it if I had stayed. Its a scary thought. I did it. I left. I started over. I started from scratch. I worked at it. I moved away. I moved on. I grew up. I'm still growing.

Jo and I were in the car this morning and we were admitting to one another that it has been a while since we asked our parents for money. It was a good feeling to admit to one another. We shook our heads and acknowledged that sometimes being an adult means being flat out broke. I guess it is an endless battle, chasing after this dreamlike adulthood. What on earth were we thinking as children? Why did we ever grow up? The class of 1999 from my High School celebrated their Ten Year Reunion last night and it is just weird. That marks the official one year countdown until my own class reunion. It just feels like this is premature. Out of all the things I have learned over the past ten years I can't help feeling like I haven't learned anything at all. I feel as though I am the same person I was 10 years ago but this much I know is certainly not true.

I'm not the same as it used to be, but I am the best me I can be...

A World Made of Steel; Made of Stone

They say that trying is the hardest thing of all. Well. I don't really know who they are or who really says this but I think I may or may not have actually heard it somewhere before quite possibly. But the point is that I believe it. Wholeheartedly. Just trying is SO HARD.

The economy has really taken a turn for the worse. Everyone is affected. When customers ask me all I say to them is, "It's about the same for everybody." But its not. I took a "promotion" to move up here. I wouldn't trade it for the world but it has been hard as hell on me. Especially on my pocket.

Take your Passion and make it happen...

In an attempt to grow the F up and become and adult I figured that if I took a move that took me this far away from my parents I would be forced to fully understand what it means to be independent and live on my own. It has been a quite humbling experience to learn that I could just not afford to do it on my own. With the help of my parents I have managed to avoid getting to the point of bill collectors and terribly bad debt, but only by a hair.

Now I'm dancing for my life...

All the people around me are in the same boat. For the longest time it felt like I was on my own. I was one of the only ones that was figuring out just how late you can pay a bill and get away with it. I thought I was on my own when I got eviction threats at my last apartment complex because I had not paid the rent on the day that it was due. I was glad to find that in Massachusetts it is a state law that the rent is not considered late until it is paid after the last day of the month. So if it is seemingly due on October 1st, then it is not officially late until September 1st. This was not something that I should have found out about. I got in pretty deep and had to move out of that complex in order to make attempts to be able to catch up with the other bills that were piling up.

I'm pretty much at a point where I am breaking even now, but it is a constant struggle. It has become a constant sickness in the pit of my stomach thinking about the pending bills that I have. The economy is going down the drain. People are having less and less money, and bills and gas prices keep going up. I don't get it. Adulthood ain't what its cracked up to be. That's fo sho!

What a Feeling.

Someone To Watch Over Me

Being gay is overrated. At 27 years of age I have never had a relationship. Well, at least, not with another guy. I have had plenty of long-term relationships with women. They might be nonsexual but they have lasted longer than any connection I have ever made with another man.

Its really tough. Straight friends tell me that it is the same for them. Their frustrations. Their single lives are just like the single lives of gay men. They believe themselves to be just as desperate.

I look around the gay community and I see more sadness than joy. I see people that settle for less. I see people selling themselves short. I see couples that are not happy but are content. I see older gay men that are dating younger gay men. You would say this was just like the Cougar craze amongst pre-menopausal women yet the age difference is much greater. 60 with 30. 50 with 20. I don't know. Maybe it is just the same, it just seems more psychologically disturbing when it is two men. I guess I take that back. The spread Madonna did with that Jesus kid in W magazine was pretty disturbing.

I just think about how awful it is that I get stuck dating older men. They are the only ones that smile back at me when I check them out. They respond to my texts. They actually show up for our date when we set it a month out in advance. I still want to grow old with someone my own age. I think about what it might be like to bring one of these older men home to my parents and it disturbs me. The idea of them being able to talk about things that happened before I was born drives me insane. It just doesn't feel right?

My buddy Mike seems so content to be single. He does not even think that he wants a relationship anytime soon. The most disturbing part about it is that he currently has 3 or so different guys that are dying to date him. He doesn't even put out and they keep coming around. They won't leave him alone, and yet he could take it or leave it.

My good friend Rich, who is one of the sweetest souls I know tells me that I am a catch all the time. It just doesn't feel as good to be called a catch unless you are getting caught.

My friend Kelly said to me one time with confidence, "You CHOOSE to be single, Justin!"

I asked her who my choices were that I was saying no to. Who is in my dating pool that I am refusing to date? That is when it would be a choice that I was making. I don't even have anybody to turn down. She crooked her head to one side, arched and eyebrow and opened her mouth to let out a silence. She sighed, "Well, I will get back to you." This is Kelly's way of admitting defeat. She realized that her statement was spoken right outside of her ass. She likes enjoys making statements out of her ass, and I love her for it, because it gets me thinking. But she was wrong in the statement that I am CHOOSING to be single. I am not.

The more days, the more months, and the more years that pass by and I stay single I am finding out more and more about relationships. I am finding out what truly makes up a healthy one. I am learning that ideally there are no healthy ones. That the healthiest relationships seem to be the ones that are the most fucked up. The ones that offer the drama and chaos; These are the relationships that seem to have the strongest bonds of all.

I am a little sad today about it. I had a bad day at work. It was long. It ended on a sour note. When things like this happen all I can ever imagine is how nice it would be to have arms to welcome me home. Man-arms. Not the arms of my girl roommates. The arms of a man that cares for me. The arms of a man that is not old enough to be my father or to have gone to high school with him. The arms of a man that has the same expiration date as I do.

There's a saying old,

Says that love is blind,

Still we're often told

"Seek and ye shall find,"

So I'm going to seek a certain lad, I've had in mind

A London Bloke; Suit Bespoke

I met this guy about a week ago at Fritz. My buddy Curtis was visiting and I did not want to pursue anything that night because it was a "hanging with my friends" ONLY night and so we just exchanged numbers. I didn't even mention it to anybody that I was with because I was honestly a little embarrassed of the guy. He is this big oaf of a man. Looks like he was a linebacker in school and at the right angle, he slightly resembles Sloth from the "Goonies". Now. Even though the goonies are good enough, Sloth was not.

Times are tough so of course I kept in touch with him throughout the weekend via text. We text while I was in P-town and we text throughout the week. Finally the following weekend arrived and he suggested that I meet him out for a drink and I accepted. First he agreed to meet me at Fritz, aka the scene of the original crime. When I had finally woken up from my disco nap, showered, and was less than ten away from the bar he text to say that he would be at Paradise instead.

I was having reservations about this pending catastrophe from the very beginning. I had gathered assumptions that he was nothing but that of a solid man-whore, and was by no means a man to be trusted. I envisioned myself fawning over him while he let other boys stare and proceeded to hit on them in the midst of my attention. I am nobody's biggest fan.

I don't follow. I lead. I don't fawn all over any man for that matter so to say the least, I was not so much thrilled as to embark upon this journey.

I decided to write the whole thing off as a venture into a new venue. I had never been to Paradise in the entire year and a half that I have lived here so I figured why not check the place out?

Long story: Short. He did just what I had expected. When I went to the bathroom I returned to find him talking to another guy. I sat right down beside of them. I introduced myself. I watched as the linebacker flirted and touched on this other guy and jealousy never rose up within my being. I thought he was dumb. The linebacker. Ironically enough I began to laugh out loud from everything that this new comer was saying. He was absolutely hilarious. His name is Stephen and he was in town (merely hours away from departing his plane and setting foot onto American soil) from England. Aside from sounding like a member of the Griffandor tribe at Hogwarts, he was actually quite funny! As soon as the linebacker excused himself to the bathroom I immediately turned to him and said, "This guy is a douche, but I think you are funny as hell, would you want to hang out sometime," He confirmed our great idea, with a genial nod, and for the rest of the night we looked out for one another, checking in at periodic moments throughout the evening.

When we attempted to exchange our numbers I realized that his was internationally long distance, so we also exchanged emails since we were both proud blackberry toters. I sent him an email in the AM, thinking that he would let our previously laid plans fall through, but he didn't. He showed up to brunch quite punctually and my friends and I enjoyed his company over french toast and a few bloodies.

While that was my exciting weekend I began my new job last week. So far two of the existing employees are gone. (For whatever reason, sans details). I was hoping to switch it up a bit when I knew that I was taking on the position but SHEESH! It takes a lot of energy out of you when you lose your team members, even if you haven't been privy to their team but for only one week. A lot of stuff is happening at work in the next few days and it won't be stopping there. In the next few weeks we have events almost back to back and I am already tired just thinking of them.

Selling suits is never something I had ever imagined I would be doing but for whatever reason it has turned out to be something to which I have become accustom to doing. I would even venture to say that I enjoy it. I knew when I took on this role originally that my goal would be to put my own spin on selling suits to men. I know that I have done just that. The scary tales from my childhood of going suit shopping have lead me to believe that shopping for a suit does not have to be so monotonous. It can actually be pretty fun.

And besides, every girls crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man...

Kanye IS the weakest link, Goodbye!

I wish they would vote Kanye off the island. I am getting so angry these days when I look at the entertainment industry and see that they are giving too much power to people that just don't matter. Kanye West gives us some great music. I was thinking about this today. His homecoming album is absolutely amazing. I was trying to write it off as a sell-out to hip hop, but if you listen to the entire thing you realize that the album overall is absolute hip-hop. It is really good.

I wrote a blog a while back on a previous website (i used to blog on myspace, but that was so 2000 & late), about Kanye. At the time he had said something stupid in a totally public arena. Little did we know, that Kanye wouldn't realize that you only get one shot at a chance like that, and when you use it more than once you look more pathetic than noteworthy.

Kanye West might be one of the greatest hip hop has ever seen. He has proven to be quite influential and somewhat revolutionary although he should make more attempts to keep his mouth wide shut. Kanye loses street cred (or more so shows his ass) when he speaks. He makes it obvious that he has no sense and lacks a common decency that one would hope from someone deemed a revolutionary.

Other people that make me angry because they are famous...Perez Hilton, Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt, Adrina, Carson Kressley...the list goes on...i will add more when i think of them. Feel free to comment with your LEAST fav famous peeps.

Causing a Commotion...

Like I mentioned before, Big Curt McGuirt came to town this past weekend. The first two nights of his stay we were in the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in the Back Bay/Copley Sq. Area of Boston. His company paid for it so the hotel that otherwise would have been over $500 a night was FREE! Friends with bennies are the best!

On our THIRD and FINAL night we were in P-Town! How do I describe P-town to you?

Some day, you'll see my point of view...

I can't. It is like a small foreign country. Vacation spot. The most Gay-friendly place I have ever been. Peaceful. Cute. Quaint. Fun. Crazy. Quiet. Loud. It is everything. There are rainbow colored streamers hanging in the street. It is like a smaller scale Key West, with crazy local hippie type natives that don't care about anything. It ALMOST reminds me of Boone, North Carolina, except instead of calling it a dry county I would definitely say it is SOAKING WET. Drinks all over the place. People in a good mood. Ready to have a good time.

I've got the moves baby, you've got the motion...

We took the early ferry boat ride. Curtis also had the hookup on this also which would have otherwise been an $80 ticket! The boat ride to the cape was godawful! Everyone on our boat was nauseous and there were 6 foot swells (I was told). I was fine for about the first hour or so of the trip but towards the end I had to tell Mike to stop talking to me and let me concentrate on NOT throwing up all over the place. The lady to my left filled up most of a barf bag, and the guy on the other side of Mike filled TWO barf bags. Every ten minutes the boat staff would make a lap to distribute bags and for the majority of the journey I had to stare at this German guy making faces as if he was going to throw up on me and he was teetering back and forth which was also not making it any easier on my stomach.

When we finally reached land all was well. We made our way to our hotel "The Boat Slip". There is a huge deck and pool at the hotel. It was perfect. We didn't have to pay to lay out and this was the number one spot that everybody went to hang out during the day. We spent the entire day by the pool. We met this dude named Richard that we wound up running into through our time there and Mike and I actually had breakfast with him on Monday morning. Hopefully he will join our brunch group now that we are back in the city but we will see.

At around 3 o clock the deck begins to clear out. The chairs are put away and tables and extra bars are brought out onto the open space. They are preparing for the late afternoon Tea Dance. Please don't ask me what a Tea Dance is or why it is called that. I honestly don't know but it is just a reason to drink and party earlier on Sunday or in the afternoon from what I have gathered. It is just one more thing that the Gay people have in order to differentiate themselves from straight society (as if we needed any more!). Right as the Tea Dance was about to begin we wandered up the main street to Curtis' friends place that was also in P-town from Atlanta. Randy, Doug, and Kevin were staying at a house up the street and we went there to help them "get rid of" all the liquor that they had brought for the weekend. Mike and I put away a big portion of it, and I was a bit surprised seeing as how Mike doesn't usually drink that much. I was almost scared to think of what kind of night we were about to have because the drinks that Randy made for Mike were described as "You can't even taste the liquor" which you know is always a BIG RED FLAG!

Little did I know that I was planning on showing everybody later in the night why I typically don't drink that much.

The tea dance was dumb and the drinks were way overpriced. No one talked to one another (in typical New England fashion) and we left and went back to our hotel room to regroup.

First the boys decided we should check out the "A-house", which I decided to deem the "A-Hole"

NOBODY WAS THERE YET!

It Doesn't Matter if you win or lose...

We left and made our way up a giant hill to another bar that was a little bit more fun and a little bit more crowded but that is mainly because they had a wrap around porch and the night time air was quite refreshing to the skin. I sat on a stool having a conversation with Curtis on the porch when I saw this handsome Latin man walking forward. I stopped him and introduced myself. We spoke about where we were from, our interests, and such. Then I said that we should exchange numbers and meet sometime in Boston since he said he travels there often from NYC. He said he would be right back and I had assumed that meant "I AM NOT INTERESTED" but much to my surprise, he actually came RIGHT BACK! We exchanged numbers, laughed and smiled, and went on about our nights.

Later in the bar area I met Fred. At the time I could not hear very well. If you have met me you know that I am almost hard of hearing and yet I still listen to my music entirely too loud. You would also know that the more I drink, the less I tend to hear. So Fred attempted to tell me his name over and over again and when I went to put it in my phone I typed in "Free Big". I know some of you would gather sexual innuendo from this Freudian slip, but trust me, there is none. My phone is the Blackberry Storm and it is awful with the auto correct and lord knows what it will type in if I am not fully coherent.

When we left this no-name bar to my recollection, we walked ALL THE WAY DOWN THE BIG HUGE HILL. As I kept looking back I realized that we had lost the bulk of our group and I kept asking Curtis where everyone had gone. "They are right behind us," he told me. We made our way back to the "A-hole" and at this point it was BUMPIN'! It was very crowded inside and they were playing music from the 70's and 80's. No remixes. Just music. I heard "Causing a Commotion" which is one of my all-time favorite Madonna songs, then they went on to play "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer and "How will I know" by Whitney Houston. I was in HEAVEN! I spent the better part of my night dancing to the music of decades gone by when "Free Big" began texting me to no end. He said that he wanted to hang out, and I figured that in 10 minutes I would be A.D.D. enough from the 80's hits and ready to bounce up out of Club A-Hole. We walked around town and he bought me a bottle of water. We made our way back to my hotel but I told him that my friends would be home shortly and not to expect anything other wise.

Much to my relief, Lil'Mikey came walking in right before anything was about to transpire and I attempted to ditch "Free Big" and hang out with Lil'Mikey. We invited him to go get pizza and he said that he was not hungry and would take a pass. Just to bring you up to speed, there is ONE and ONLY ONE place to get pizza in P-town after 1AM. So on our way to the place we saw "Free Big" walking with a slice of his own. "I thought you weren't hungry?" I asked and he laughed and said it actually sounded good. What a flake!

You won't admit it but you know it's true...

P-town was an absolute riot! The best part about it was hanging out with Curtis and Mike. The best of the best. After we got split up Mike told me the next morning that the guy that he was with (and I will leave the name out for his own benefit) had an "interesting" experience. The guy must have been pushing 60. He was a part of our original group in the beginning of the night. Mike let us know that he confessed that he was married, to a woman of 30 plus years. He had snuck away on a P-town getaway and this confirmed for me that being gay is just awful for some. The best part about this guy was that they had broken away from the group because Mike was hungry and wanted his pizza early. They sat at the shop and had a slice then the older guy excused himself to the "little boys room" to use the bathroom. When he returned they left and began walking down the street. Mike said that they were side by side and out of nowhere the guy turned to Mike and said, "Mike, I think I am going to piss myself,"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Mike asked in confusion. He was not just confused that a grown man was admitting to this but the bigger dilemma was that he had JUST BEEN to the "little boys room". Mike was dumbfounded by this confession, and as he turned to face the other guy he saw as the pee-stain began to form around his crotch, leading down the length of his leg and out through the bottom of his jeans. Mike watched, perplexed, as a puddle of urine began to form around the foot of this older gentleman. No words were exchanged and Mike began to start walking again, without knowing exactly what to do. He realized that the guy was still walking with him and turned and suggested, "Are you uncomfortable? Maybe you might want to go home and change?"

"Oh...yeah," the guy responded, "I guess you are right," and began to make his way home.

When Mike told me his story I could not stop laughing my ass off. There is no other person that something so crazy as this would have happened to, and I could just picture Mike's look of confusion as this situation began to escalate even further.

We joked about it all morning. I remembered my nephew calling my dad Pee-Paw, because he had to use the bathroom all the time, (even though he never had a problem making it to the toilet), and we deemed this older gentleman "Piss-Paw".

Since getting back to the daily grind I have been caught in the midst of a culture shock. On Tuesday I began at my new store in my new position and could not get the thoughts of that crazy night in P-town out of my little head. I longed to leave work and head back. It is a place that you will never want to leave.

I hope you find what you're looking for...make up your mind, and get in to the groove...

Too Shy, Shy

People here don't approach one another in social settings. No wonder they get nicknamed "Massholes". Although it is tough to meet people when you go out on the town I have been lucky enough to meet two INCREDIBLE buddies, Mike and Rich. I consider myself quite blessed to have actually met worthwhile friends in the year and a half that I have been here. These guys are friends for life, I can already tell. But I don't pride myself on breaking through the shell of the locals, since neither of the two are originally from the area.

Whether you are looking to date, or just looking for new friends, Boston proves to be a tough cookie to take a bite of.

My friend Curtis was in town this past weekend, visiting from Atlanta. We have been buddies for quite some time now as well. I'm sure he would agree to tell you that we never really imagined that we would have proven to be friends this long, but when it is all said and done, Curtis is just good people.

Hush, Hush...

While doing a bit of bar-hoppin' throughout the weekend Curtis proved my theories correct. Nobody talks to one another. While we were standing around in this one bar this guy leans over and begins a conversation with me. He is in a circle of friends yet never introduces us to the rest of the group, although I made it a point to introduce him to Curtis. Socially Retarded much? With Massholes like this one how on earth are we to find new folks of which to chat it up?

While we were talking to this new found friend (?) another guy walked past. He was handsome. Had beautiful eyes, and he glanced to the side and gave me a smirk. A wave of heat rushed over my body as I was taken by surprise from this one tiny little gesture. Flirtation just does not happen that easily in New England, and when it does, it is rarely from individuals that would be considered that of the Sexykind.

Eye to Eye...

He walked past me, then made his way to the door. He looked back and we caught eyes once again before he made his exit.

Well, Shit.

What an awful thing to do; walk past and give me hope and then swipe a rug out from underneath me. How awful is that?

Then his friend caught a glimpse of someone he knew. Much to my delight they doubled back, giving Sexykind another chance to give face to me one more time. We flirted from afar. Smiling, smirking, and looking away. This was dumb, and I longed for a place where grown men could act just so. What was with this casual flirtation and yet no delivery of action? Why is it that at straight bars guys have no problem hitting on girls that DON'T flirt with them yet when it is TWO GUYS you would imagine that primal urge to be more overpowering and yet suddenly we are just a couple of little school girls? This just can't be right.

I pushed the idea of him from my mind after they left the bar that we were at. I figured, "why bother?" when I will never see him again, and if I do run into him more than likely will find out truths such as what his boyfriend looks like or even worse, his wife!

As we finished up our beers we decided to make our way to "Dick's Last Resort" so to speak. In Boston there is this seedy bar called "The Eagle" where guys make their way at the end of a "defeated" night in hopes to claim one last trophy to take home. Curtis and I went because it was one of the only bars in town that weekend that was not charging us a cover and me and him are thrifty when it comes to a few nickels and dimes.

When we walked in I headed straight for the bar and Curtis made a b-line for the bathroom. Before I could get his attention to ask "What do you want to drink?" he was already to the door, and when my eyes lowered from calling out to my friend they had rendezvous with Sexykind's halfway. He was sitting on a stool across from the bar and gave me no time for recovery before beginning his smirks. I turned away to gather thoughts and deliver an action plan while collecting my beer at the bar. I gave my self a wink and a nudge and turned around and walked straight up to his arena. "Hey, how are you?" I asked, and the "enlightening" flirtations began. He introduced me to his friend and said that they had been drinking all day long. We smiled and winked and smirked throughout but at the least we were actually talking to one another. I gathered that we were enjoying one another's company so I suggested an exchange of numbers. Plus, his friend was being whiney and should have been wearing a shirt that said "Cockblock". I was not amused.

I am still finding out that in this city of grown men that I am, by far, a MAN among men. I have always been the one to approach and for some reason it bothers me so much. It makes me feel like I am trying to hard, especially when they don't call or txt back right away from my advances. It makes me mad when I go out on to a limb only to feel like I am swinging from a tree like some stupid-assed monkey.

You guys are just too shy, shy, hush, hush, eye to eye.

Shut Up and put your Money where your Mouth is...

It would be one thing if I was in Vegas, but I'm not. I am in Boston, MA. New England, EVEN!!! (that's for you, Kel, and SAYH-RAH!). I live in a place where Gay Marriage is LEGAL and yet for some reason, it seems like finding someone to settle down with, or date is even out of the question. There must be some secret hiding place for these settle-ready men. I see couples all the time walking around in the South End, shopping together in Copley Square, holding hands all over the place, just because they are so damn happy that New England just doesn't give a shit about their same sex relationship.

I'm at a really weird place in my life right now. I have joked with friends about "turning in my gay card" at the end of this year but the end of the year is coming fast, and it seems as though there is not much light at the end of this tunnel. So what's next? Women? I know you are laughing to but I mean c'mon? Is this what it boils down to?

I know in some countries, and often times right here in the U.S. There are perfectly good straight women that have decided that they give up (so to speak) and are ready to settle down. Since there are no straight men to fulfill these needs then they are looking to their closest gay Gal-pals to fill this void. What kind of relationship is this, you would think to ask?

A partnership of two adults that have committed to one another to love, care, and honor each other in the hopes of one day sharing that love with a child. Is this the definition of true love? Is this what marriage looks like after all? If after the years go by and you find yourself in a sex-less marriage is it so bad to skip all these years and move into the "Golden Years"?

I look at the gay couples I see. Recently I spotted two gay men with a young boy. By assumption I guessed that the boy was their son. I mean, at least one of their sons. Two "dads". One in plain clothes, unrecognizable to the untrained eye. And the other was in full Rainbow brigade garb donning a tight muscle tee baring arms and midriff, with low-cut (problem women's) jeans. He had that "I took too much Hydroxcut this summer" emaciated look about him. Typical gay. I thought about what it must be like to be this young boy looking up from his root beer. Oh, and that was another problem. These fags had this boy sitting with them at the bar. They had beers, he had a root beer. NO GOOD - Says Suzy Social Worker!

It was disheartening to think that a gay couple was not only given rights to be married but also rights to have children, and this is what they were doing to raise this child. What a nightmare! Was this the new frontier for gay child rearing? Teaching children all the motions of how to be a gay man?

I saw another gay father on a different night (yet, at the same restaurant come to think of it,) with his son. This father looked emaciated but not from too much Hydroxcut. He looked sick. And not with the common cold. It was weird to think of a kids perspective of growing up with a father that was living with HIV. Would you watch him fade away? Is it fair that you did not ask to become his caretaker in your adult life, but it would be what you were destined to become?

I am ready to find a man of my own. My timeline keeps ticking and I was hoping for us to have this relationship gig down pat before moving on to childhood. Yet, IN MY HEAD, I had always thought of starting the adoption process when I was 30. I heard it took a few years and that is the time frame I had come up with. Who knew that I would be on the verge of turning 28 and not have accomplished anything that I had hoped for, even though in retrospect I never knew what all I had envisioned being accomplished at this point in my life.

It is funny to think of how time flies. Where on earth did the time go?

Well, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas

Emotional Promotional

Today I was promoted. I don't start until next Tuesday (officially) but I got the offer and took the job as of today. I'm glad. I feel the need for a restart. I need a new challenge and I am ready to take it. This day was off to a very rocky start. I went to work for a manager's meeting only to leave and come back in the afternoon. I was the manager in charge for the night and had to come help run the store, so to speak, for the latter half of the day.

As I walked past my manager's office when I arrived at work at 2pm she cautiously motioned for me to come into her office. Sirens went off in my mind, calling out voracious screams of "THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN!" What was she getting ready to say? Was she about to let me down easy? This would have been the worst. Finding out that I am SO not the candidate for the job and not even from the manager that interviewed me from the position. I was not worthy enough to even be told that I did not get it. This however, was not the case. She started with the good...no...sorry, scratch that, the not-as-bad news, but awful news, that one of my employees was in the hospital and would be there for a few days. Dammit. Then she went on to tell me that another one of my employees was "no longer with us." Which I cannot go into detail about and actually, am only aware of the detail that they are "no longer with us." Another Dammit.

The only reason I even showed up to work today was because I knew that I would have my answer about this pending promotion. I knew that I would find out if I was worthy or not so I ventured into work today. Only to get caught in a storm full of shit. To think of how upset my stomach was while waiting for my answer over the weekend, just think about it now that my department, in one day and in one instance crumbled before my eyes. Scary shit.

I'm optimistic though, I mean, I'm moving on, so I have to be. I am making the most of what I can before I leave and hoping that things will work themselves out in the end. I love my team. I hired them myself and they are a great bunch of dudes. I will truly miss them when I make my move to my new locale.

This week will turn out to be long as shit. I will work a few more nights than usual, I will work a few rounders here and there. But as I have planned it I will still have my Labor Day weekend off. My buddy Curtis is coming to town and we are staying at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Boston Prop-AH! We aren't romantical of any sorts but we are just really good buddies that have managed to keep in touch since about forever ago in Charlotte. We met through our mutual friend Andy and I think it is safe to say on both of our behalves that neither one of us ever imagined our friendship would last this long but regardless of the "how we met back when" stories we never stop laughing when we are together. Especially when we talk about Svetlana!

Sunday we will take a Ferry boat to P-town and spend the night there as well. We will return on Monday and it is by all means a vacation that has been a long time coming. It will work out perfect to get this all out of my system and then to move on. Curtis is coming up straight from Atlanta and I can't wait for one big giant dose of SOUTHERN!

YEEEEEEE-HAW!!!

You Ain't Seen the Best of Me Yet...

This has been one long ass year and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Even though the rest of the world is as broke as I have been over the last year I can't help feeling like a victim of sorts. I took this promotion originally to move ahead and UP. Not to run flat or fall behind. Now, granted, no one could have predicted this turn in the economy but geez! This has really been tough. I am optimistic though, as I look towards the future, and not just for retail. I feel like we are a resilient group of people, us Americans. I feel like when we get hit, not only do we fight back but we also learn lessons along the way. This turn in the economy has definitely changed the face of retail and not just for today and tomorrow but for next year and the years to follow after that. People won't be shopping like they used to once this economic dark cloud rises and the sun begins to shine through. The will begin to be more cautious. It is that lack of responsibility that got them in trouble in the first place.

I am ready for a change. I am taking steps towards making those changes as we speak. And when the customers start to come back, you know, the ones that left and thought that they wouldn't look back, I'll be ready and waiting. Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

Remember my name, "Fame"

Baby look at me, and tell me what you see...

Even if you haven't seen the best of me yet, I still feel as though I have had a lot of it taken away from me. These past few months have been stressful as I have moved out of one apartment and into another in the pursuit of a cheaper cost of living. I downsized my entire life including the bed that I have called my own for nearly 10 years and a desk that belonged to my older brother when he was in high school. Letting go of the past is inevitable in preparing for a brighter future.

Today, at Target, while I was ONLY supposed to be shopping for a wireless router I picked up 4 CD's. One was for me, but one was for a friends upcoming birthday, so I can't talk about that one. Another was the Soundtrack to the remake version of the movie "Fame". I am a BIG TIME FAN of the original movie and I am on my way to becoming an even bigger fan of the new one. Especially since they got Naturi who played Lil'Kim in the Notorious movie to play the lead character's role. The new version of the title track from the film is incredible. It sends chills up and down my spine thinking of it being my theme song on a fast track to stardom but then I let out a big sigh and dream of a wish that may never actually arrive. The other CD was a Dance Hits compilation but has some REALLY great remixes on it. So all in all yes, I wasted MORE of my hard earned money, but in all fairness, i-tunes does not work on my roommates computer and until I can figure out my self how to install the "self-install" kit for High Speed Internet from Comcast, then I am stuck without my connection to hit singles and will be forced to get the first weekend $9.98 promo offer at Target.

I'm feeling incredibly lazy today. My lack of a sense of urgency overwhelms me when I look at the clock and see that is is nearing 3PM and that now my day is shot to shit. I rolled out of bed around 10 AM, which is pretty much half the day for me. I was too tired and worn out from a long week to head straight to the gym so ideally I will muster the energy to go right before closing time tonight. I left the house closer to Noon to make the trek to Target for the wireless router and now that I am back home, as it turns out, the trip was pointless because I can't figure out how to install it properly. I don't understand what kind of cable company comes out to your house and leaves an unopened modem, and a box labeled "Self-Install Kit". I mean is that the service/labor fee that we paid for? I could have driven to their office and picked it up myself.

Either way I am stuck on my roommates computer and am dying to be on my own. I am dying to live in a world of my blog and make desperate attempts to write more often and consistently for my slowly growing brood of followers.

As I Youthfully Decline

Where is my youth going? Monday night we did inventory at the store. We did not close our doors until 9pm and when it was all said and done I was out by 3:30AM. I remember the days when at 3:30AM I was catching what I used to call a second wind. I was pulling through the drivethrough at Jack-In-The-Box and ordering up a trio of Jack's Famous Egg Rolls.

The night was young, but now I am not. The day following inventory I had to be up at 8 and back at the store by 9am. I wound up having a customer that took up my entire morning and lasted with me until about 3pm. Then I had to follow up with the Store info manager about the productivity of my department's inventory and by then it was a belated lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. By the time I returned from lunch I realized that the end of my day was past due.

I had to pick up my car from Sears because when trying to leave inventory fairly early I realized that I had a huge lug nut/screw thing stuck in my tire and it was all the way through so I had to buy a new set. $300 for a set of tires from a brand I have never heard of. Go figure. It seems like lately it is just one thing after the other. Life never stops happening around you even when it feels as though it is going your way. You can't keep it from happening. This week it just seems to be wearing on me a little harder than the week before. Mostly because of a lack of sleep. Tonight when I got home from work my roommate and I watched one episode of Sex and the City and by the ending credits we both had our eyes shut. I turned off the tv and laid on the couch for a while, whereas she decided to throw in the towel and go straight to bed. It was about 7 pm and the sound of bed was too enticing to pass up. I went into my room to lay down and now as it turns out it is 1AM and I am up and at 'em.

My eyes are still sleepy so I may lay down for a bit but all in all, my body aches of age and worth. I feel like I have been through the ringer and now I am ready for someone to hang me out to dry...

Reunion of Sorts

I have taken it upon myself (and with heavy suggestion of my high school peers) to plan my High School's 10 year reunion. Not for one second would I have ever considered doing something like this while I was in high school, so it is kind of funny for me to even think of doing it now.

When I thought about it I figured that most High School Reunions are probably pretty boring. People that don't like each other or really even care about where the others have been or where the others are going rally together for one night, and for what purpose? For me I am quite happy with where my life is right now. Looking back I don't, and never really felt, like I have anything to prove to my yesteryear friendships and I hope that most of the others from my graduating class will feel the same.

Realizing that nearly 10 years have passed since I was an 18 year old fresh out of high school is a really tough thing to face. I find it odd when 21 year olds tell me that they don't know Zack Morris. I guess it is those little realizations that help you consider the fact that "things were different, when we were young". Scary, isn't it?

I wanted to help plan my High School reunion because I want to have a hand in a celebration of the years that have passed. I am looking forward to being around the people who grew up with Zack and AC Slater. I am ready to be around all the guys that had a crush on Kelly Kapowski and all the girls who learned lessons about drug abuse from Jesse Spano because she was "so excited, so, so, so, scared." Whether it was a good time, a bad time, or a tough time, we shared important moments in our lives together and I think that hands down, that is something worth coming together to celebrate.

I also considered the fact that we were different. Always have been, and always will. In elementary school they deemed us "Drug Free Class of 2000". They had high hopes for us, and grand expectations. We are the millinial generation. The class of Y2K, the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, and the ones that brought you Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. We might have had a rocky start but just like Justin and Britney we keep on rockin' and we won't give up yet.

As our parents scold us for our terrible spending habits and our rebellion towards planning and saving for a brighter future the way that they did when they were our age, we are a generation of NOW.

Over the years as a class we have done a pretty good job at making attempts to stay connected. Which is more than I could say about the other classes ahead or behind us. For three years in a row Tyber Creek hosted the Annual Christmas Cocktail. The first year it was somewhat more cozy, but by the second and third year the crowed had doubled and tripled in size. The core of the group was Class of 2000 alums. Over the years the party grew to be friends of friends and those from "rival" high schools and such and so on. But a reunion starts with an idea. So my idea and thoughts are if that many people can rally together for three years in a row, just think of how many could show up to our actual 10 year High School Reunion.

Hot Child in the City

Okay so I have been here for about a year and a half now and yet everyday I remind myself that I am still somewhat new. It is such a hassle making the effort to get out and about and get your name and face out there that sometimes it feels almost better left undone. Needless to say, I NEVER quit trying.

Last week I was invited to a going away party. The going-away-er was a friend of a friend. We don't really even know each other all that well, but the gesture was well recieved when they invited me. I decided that I MUST MUST MUST go and meet some new people and if for no other reason AT ALL, then at least to possibly network somewhat for work. It's hard out there for everybody but in retail sometimes there are unseen customers that just need a little reminder that we exist. Often times this is enough to get at least a few bites in commissions.

When I recieved the e-vite I pondered over the idea of arriving by myself which would be somewhat scary to do (yet I am almost used to) or taking my buddy Lil'Mikey, or possibly my kindred spirit, Jo. I clicked "Accept" and R.S.V.P.'d for ONE. I decided to face my fears head on and venture out on this one alone.

I left work somewhat early to get a haircut, but on my way to my new fav barbershop realized that they were on vacation until next week. So I drove down Mass. Ave until I came upon a barbor known as "Fast Phil". $10 a cut! So whatever, He cut it, I'm not thrilled, but at least it is shorter. I rushed home to change, take a minute to sit down in front of the fan and try to cool off. It has been so hot and humid these last few days, it can really get the best of you from time to time. I made my way to Porter Sq. which is the closest T that I know of with a free parking lot for my car. When I got off at my destination I was anxious to make my way to the apartment. I had google mapped it on my phone and when looking at a map on your phone one truely never knows exactly where he is going. I began to cross the street while anxiously anticipating the changing of the lights. All of the cars except one had completely passed through the intersection and way back in the distance approached a beat up old Mercedes, which the yuppie driver probably elects to reference his car as "vintage"). Of course by the time I was halfway through the road they decide to speed up as if to not see me in the middle of the road. I know this trick, because I invited it myself. Then when they approached they slammed their breaks and caused a scene of dramatic affect. They threw up their hands and pointed at me, they did the Massachusetts sign language for "What idiot crosses the road on green?" In my typical fashion and as a part of my new found love of this MA culture, I yelled back, "I'm in the middle of the road now, asshole what do you want me to do? Run me over then!" Of course my array of 4 letter words was much more detailed and indepth than as described here, but nevertheless, you get the idea.

At the party it was beautiful. On the roof top. The weather had somewhat cooled off. It was perfect. That is until many many other people started to arrive. On the roof that was about an 8 foot by 8 foot space there were well over 20 people. This, of course, counteracted the benefit of the nice cooler night air, since there was all of the sudden, so much hot air, in the midst.

The party consisted of MOSTLY Harvard Alumni. This, I assumed, was the first of many to come for me. If I plan on being in New England much longer then I might as well get used to being the only person at the party with JUST an undergrad degree. Doctors and Lawyers and their allies were the majority. On 5 different occasions I was asked if I was in Medicine as well. I kept wanting to reference Grey's Anatomy, but just felt like that would have made me look and feel like an even bigger idiot. When they were not talking about medicine they were conversing about past, present, and future athletic endeavors. Marathons, Half-marathons, biking, hiking, running, and swimming. "Great," I thought to myself, "I'm either dumb as fuck, or fat as fuck!"

While in the beginning of this party I felt like it would be well on its way to nowhere for me, by the end I was having a great time. I had found a few small circles that allowed me to be the center of attention. In fact, once people heard that I was the host's personal clothing stylist they were all over me. They were intrigued by my profession and they were in awe of what I do. I had people coming up to me asking "Are you the stylist?" "How do you become a stylist?"

It was insane. I handed out all the business cards that I had on hand. I promoted my blog and hopefully will be seeing some additional "followers" in the near future.

When you live in a new place (and Boston is still fairly new to me, as everyday I discover another part I love about living in this city) it is important to try. You don't have to always be pleased with the result or the consequence, but at the least, you have to try.

An Invitation to the Dance of Life

It's over. At least. For now anyways. I won't be seeing him any time soon unless I ante up and make my move. For a while I had him going. There were alterations to be picked up, a missed shirt size that we had to order and so on. But now we are done. No more orders. No more alterations. Done. Finished. Completed.

In our conclusion there was a slight awkwardness on his behalf. I finished ringing up the transaction and walked his bag around the corner as usual. Then upon concluding I mentioned, "You are all set now..." it seemed as though this was not good enough for him. Maybe there was a step that I had forgotten? It was as if he wanted to say more to me but just didn't have the courage or know-how. He stumbled over words and said "...Yeah, Um, Okay..." PAUSE "Well..."

"Was there something else you needed to take care of today?" I asked my crush. But he hesitated, and then declined. An overwhelming sense of dissappointment rushed over me. This cannot be it I began to think to myself. Is it really over? At least for now? I hate that I lose track of words, and often lose sight of my goal towards flirtation. I am nervous around him because of the emmense potential for a brighter future that I can invision along side him.

He is not devistatingly handsome but he is very, very attractive. He is kind, and he is endearing. It is awfully hard not to fawn over someone like him. He has an innocence about him. An almost closeted innocence. A close friend of mine even noted that I could possibly be his very first. This, of course, is something I would have never wanted in the past. But it does lend itself to an easy out from the wonders and perils of that which is the gay culture. If he has not been fully exposed then it would make for an easy escape on my behalf.

I keep procrastinating when it comes to sending "the follow-up email". I am nervous that I will say too much, and scared that I might say too little. I need to sound completely professional, while sending a completely tongue-in-cheek flirtatious undercurrent. In most work environments, this would be known as sexual harrassment. So therefore presents itself as a total conundrum. I am dumbfounded. What now? I keep thinking that I could mention something about enjoying how he challenges my fashion know-how. I could let him know that he is more than welcome to challenge me again. Then it falls flat. Where does that lead the email?

I asked a friend of mine, this guy I dated briefly here, but turned out to be just friends. He said that I need to switch the arena. So far he feels like he has to shop and spend in order to spend time with me. This friend suggested that I must take this notion out of the equation but how so? It would be too straight forward of me to invite him to brunch. At least not through any email. I could lose my job if I am the one to call him. Yet how can I give him the green light to call me?

I went out to the club this past weekend and he was all that I could think about. You know, the honest truth of the matter might even be that it is just the idea of him. It is the fantasy that I have created around him that I long for. I am tired of this culture. I am fed up with the gays.

I watched a TV show tonight where this VERY attractive man, early thirties, or so, (and driving a Mercedes SUV) decided to get reconstructive hair surgery in order to start dating once again. I thought, how pathetic is this guy? He is attractive. From the looks of his car has a stable job and income. Yet he wants it all. Maybe he is too picky. That is just dumb. He is someone that I would go on a date with and wouldn't give his missing hair folicles a second thought. So what is it that makes him feel the need to go through these hoops to physically attract a male counterpart. It nearly brought me to tears to think of a world that makes this our solution.

Its unfortunate that we all must go parading around in such absurd fashion. But for now, just come here, let me whisper in your ear...

Celebrate the Wins

Okay so my fool proof plan would have been better served if not delivered by that of a fool. "You missed a pretty amazing brunch on Sunday"...Awkward Pause. Response: "Yeah." Not "Yeah?" Just "Yeah." Note...the period.

It fell flat after that. Amidst our typically falsified flirtatatious banter I still found myself dumbstruck. We spent over two hours together. My counterpart that is fully furnished says that he MUST be into me becuase what striaght guy would spend that much time with another dude that wasn't one of his close friends on a random Thursday afternoon.

I guess it feels good to realize that if nothing else, he enjoys spending time with me, right? Celebrate the wins. He smiles at me and doesn't flinch when I touch his arm. Celebrate the wins. He makes purposeful efforts to have more and more reasons to come back to see me. Celebrate the wins. He eats up everything I say. Celebrate the wins.

His birthday is tomorrow. He has no plans. He is between flights coming in to town from visiting friends in NYC and heading out the following week on a business trip. He seemed to make the effort to tell me his birthday was on Sunday. If this was not an unidentified "missed connection" then I don't know what is. I barely tell my best friends that it is my birthday, let alone the salesperson that picks out my ties.

Typically. If you have not yet thus far figured out. I over analyze. Everything. I do it all the time. And so do you, so shut up and let me keep going...

He is just normal. I am dying for us to just get on with our normal lives and give up everything else that is gay in the world. Wouldn't that be something special? Escape from all the vapid gays that are devoid of any real substance or worth. I would look forward to bringing him to brunch with my buddies. We could double date with the other couples that we knew. We would plan outdoorsy style events that we would venture off to do on the weekends. But my favorite part about our future would be the just me and him part. The times when we woke up in our room together and didn't step foot into the outside world.

He seems normal enough. Yet from his lack of giving off a gay effect I am really started to wonder if he is or if he isn't. I have plans to tell him happy birthday tomorrow but after that I don't know what to do. I have placed orders for multiple items for him. Could it have been a strategic move on his part? Tomorrow will not by any means be the last time I see him. I will get another visit this week when he comes to pick up the rest of the ordered items. So that is two instances that we have planned out thus far in our near future.

Here's hoping that he brings his wallet tomorrow and we can plan a few more...

Hurts to Flirt

A few weeks ago this customer came into the store. I was standing on the hard isle talking to one of my employees and immediately he caught my attention making his way down the isle right towards my department. I greeted him from afar, so as to secure my spot in the running for the title of "most helpful salesperson" and guaranteed myself a front row seat for the show that was about to begin.

His name was Andy, and at the time, he was on a mission. "It's a beautiful day outside," (one of the first of the New England "Springtime season") "and I don't want to be in here for long!" He told me he was looking to add a new suit to his wardrobe and I immediately new which one I wanted him to have. The fit was perfect. It was slimming and quite Euro, if I do say so myself. It was also a swatch that was quite distinct in and of itself. So he went with it. The tailor made their marks and off he went. It was quick, and easy, and it was over in all of 10 minutes. In the rushing of this process I had to assure him that it was a good purchase, indeed. He had never made a suiting decision in such a short amount of time but I made sure that he knew that I was confident in my choice for appropriate suiting.

When he came back to pick up his finished suit he mentioned that he wanted my assistance in picking out some ties and shirts, since I had been so helpful with the suit selection. While meandering around the Men's Furnishings department and talking about this style or the next we were at the point of ALMOST flirtation. This is an area of grey in the retail world. There is a thin line between actual and genuine flirtation and that of a great customer service story. Needless to say I am clueless when it comes to differentiating between the two.

I had no problem spending an ample amount of time with Andy. Even if most of what I picked out for him was too over the top, in his humble opinion, to wear for where he works. I understood and set out to make sure that our decisions were precise and distinct.

We enjoyed talking with one another and the exchange of useful ideas and knowledge was mutual. I could tell he was enjoying his shopping experience but at what point was he complimenting my "service" and at what point was he actually just complimenting "me". It was too soon to tell. At one point he did declare, "Wow, this is the best service I have ever had in any shopping experience, I don't think I will ever shop anywhere else again!" This was leaning towards more of an excellent customer service letter.

Then he took a phone call, he excused himself and took the call. While on the phone I overheard what sounded like the makings of a first or second date. "...well where do you want to eat? I am finishing up here in a bit but I will call you when I am done." His tone indicated that the date was NOT his most important priority and that finishing his "shopping experience" with me was in fact at the top of his list. After ending the call he apologized again for the interruption. There was a sadness in my affect that was more than likely apparent upon his return, because if you know me whatsoever, then you know I am not one to hide emotion. I was feeling let down because I figured we had reached the point in the transaction when I realize that he is straight and probably on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend that he has had since high school, or that he is in a "committed, but play" relationship with his "monogamous" boyfriend which still nullifies any preceding efforts on both of our behalves.

After apologizing, then a pause (hopefully noticing the sulking nature of my demeanor) he added, quickly, "I'm meeting my dad for dinner". I felt my eyebrows raise upon my face with anticipation of opportunity. I tried to calm down my facial muscles just the slightest bit so as not to give secrets away. I was happy to hear that he was the kind of guy that met his dad for dinner. He said that his mother was traveling and that dad was home all alone. It sounded much like that of my own relationship with my own father and in the end I was happy to think of a future with someone else who valued spending time with family.

Spending time with Andy was peaceful. I did not fear for the dangers ahead, which typically follows the time spent with any other random gay dude. The fear of a lack of commitment, the idea of non-monogamy. The fear of HIV and drug abuse. Oh what a tangled web they weave, and baby...I am nobody's Black Widow.

He has a calm nature about him and I feel warmth and sincerity in his voice. He is successful in his work and has a focus and drive to succeed and continue. He is everything that I could hope for in a mate. There is just one problem. I am a horrible flirt.

I am hoping that the solution to this problem is that he is a horrible flirt as well. I am hoping. I am praying. That both of us suck at flirting and that eventually things will just fall in to place for both of us. Time never hurt anyone and since for most of my life I have been way to anxious, this has become a situation where I do not mind to not rush head on into things that could (or could NOT) be.

It is almost fun not knowing. It is fun to think of a life that could happen. Aside from knowing that it could never be.

He came in more recently for this current sale that we have going on. We picked out another suit for him and this time mutually decided not to take as much time looking for shirts and ties. I like that he gives me push back, with reason, at the choices I pick out for him. I like that he knows a little bit about what he wants out of life, even if it is only in regards to the fashion choices that we make together concerning his own personal style. Spending time with him is absolutely delightful.

On this more recent go round I felt like we were both making flailing attempts at flirtation. He mentioned "cheating" on me while traveling to other cities that had bigger and "better" stores with more product selection. Then when ringing up the transaction he brought up his dog and mentioned that the dog's name was "Tucker" (my last name). He smiled really big. Then I said, "Oh thats a GREAT name!" His reply was, "Yeah...yeah it really is." This was how our time was spent. With inappropriate pauses and opportunistic blank spots. Was this flirtation or social retardation? I couldn't really tell you the difference. He asked me if I was working all weekend. I told him that I was off the following day. Then he asked if I had big plans. I thought this would be a great opportunity to feel him out a bit and see what his response would be, by telling him that I had a date that I was not looking forward to. Instead I said that I was having brunch with "a new friend", and would prefer to have brunch with "old friends". I mentioned the restaurant, "Gaslight" for brunch and his eyes lit up with excitement. "Oh really? I have eaten there for dinner but never for brunch."

This was one of those opportunistic pauses. I should have said, "Oh you HAVE to check it out, if you ever need some one to go with, I'm THERE!" But I didn't.

This line is officially on the back burner. When he comes in to pick up his clothes on Thursday, this will be my new plan of action. I will tell him that he really missed out on a great brunch. Then I will tell him that he has to check it out sometime and then I will offer up my company to him.

It will be neutral.

It will be Non-Committal.

It will be Non-Gender Specific.

It will be absolutely Genius.

Here's hoping I have the nuts to go through with it...

Chickenshit, Chickenshit,

Help me win,

Teach me how to flirt,

So I can begin...