Emotional Promotional

Today I was promoted. I don't start until next Tuesday (officially) but I got the offer and took the job as of today. I'm glad. I feel the need for a restart. I need a new challenge and I am ready to take it. This day was off to a very rocky start. I went to work for a manager's meeting only to leave and come back in the afternoon. I was the manager in charge for the night and had to come help run the store, so to speak, for the latter half of the day.

As I walked past my manager's office when I arrived at work at 2pm she cautiously motioned for me to come into her office. Sirens went off in my mind, calling out voracious screams of "THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN!" What was she getting ready to say? Was she about to let me down easy? This would have been the worst. Finding out that I am SO not the candidate for the job and not even from the manager that interviewed me from the position. I was not worthy enough to even be told that I did not get it. This however, was not the case. She started with the good...no...sorry, scratch that, the not-as-bad news, but awful news, that one of my employees was in the hospital and would be there for a few days. Dammit. Then she went on to tell me that another one of my employees was "no longer with us." Which I cannot go into detail about and actually, am only aware of the detail that they are "no longer with us." Another Dammit.

The only reason I even showed up to work today was because I knew that I would have my answer about this pending promotion. I knew that I would find out if I was worthy or not so I ventured into work today. Only to get caught in a storm full of shit. To think of how upset my stomach was while waiting for my answer over the weekend, just think about it now that my department, in one day and in one instance crumbled before my eyes. Scary shit.

I'm optimistic though, I mean, I'm moving on, so I have to be. I am making the most of what I can before I leave and hoping that things will work themselves out in the end. I love my team. I hired them myself and they are a great bunch of dudes. I will truly miss them when I make my move to my new locale.

This week will turn out to be long as shit. I will work a few more nights than usual, I will work a few rounders here and there. But as I have planned it I will still have my Labor Day weekend off. My buddy Curtis is coming to town and we are staying at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Boston Prop-AH! We aren't romantical of any sorts but we are just really good buddies that have managed to keep in touch since about forever ago in Charlotte. We met through our mutual friend Andy and I think it is safe to say on both of our behalves that neither one of us ever imagined our friendship would last this long but regardless of the "how we met back when" stories we never stop laughing when we are together. Especially when we talk about Svetlana!

Sunday we will take a Ferry boat to P-town and spend the night there as well. We will return on Monday and it is by all means a vacation that has been a long time coming. It will work out perfect to get this all out of my system and then to move on. Curtis is coming up straight from Atlanta and I can't wait for one big giant dose of SOUTHERN!

YEEEEEEE-HAW!!!

You Ain't Seen the Best of Me Yet...

This has been one long ass year and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Even though the rest of the world is as broke as I have been over the last year I can't help feeling like a victim of sorts. I took this promotion originally to move ahead and UP. Not to run flat or fall behind. Now, granted, no one could have predicted this turn in the economy but geez! This has really been tough. I am optimistic though, as I look towards the future, and not just for retail. I feel like we are a resilient group of people, us Americans. I feel like when we get hit, not only do we fight back but we also learn lessons along the way. This turn in the economy has definitely changed the face of retail and not just for today and tomorrow but for next year and the years to follow after that. People won't be shopping like they used to once this economic dark cloud rises and the sun begins to shine through. The will begin to be more cautious. It is that lack of responsibility that got them in trouble in the first place.

I am ready for a change. I am taking steps towards making those changes as we speak. And when the customers start to come back, you know, the ones that left and thought that they wouldn't look back, I'll be ready and waiting. Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

Remember my name, "Fame"

Baby look at me, and tell me what you see...

Even if you haven't seen the best of me yet, I still feel as though I have had a lot of it taken away from me. These past few months have been stressful as I have moved out of one apartment and into another in the pursuit of a cheaper cost of living. I downsized my entire life including the bed that I have called my own for nearly 10 years and a desk that belonged to my older brother when he was in high school. Letting go of the past is inevitable in preparing for a brighter future.

Today, at Target, while I was ONLY supposed to be shopping for a wireless router I picked up 4 CD's. One was for me, but one was for a friends upcoming birthday, so I can't talk about that one. Another was the Soundtrack to the remake version of the movie "Fame". I am a BIG TIME FAN of the original movie and I am on my way to becoming an even bigger fan of the new one. Especially since they got Naturi who played Lil'Kim in the Notorious movie to play the lead character's role. The new version of the title track from the film is incredible. It sends chills up and down my spine thinking of it being my theme song on a fast track to stardom but then I let out a big sigh and dream of a wish that may never actually arrive. The other CD was a Dance Hits compilation but has some REALLY great remixes on it. So all in all yes, I wasted MORE of my hard earned money, but in all fairness, i-tunes does not work on my roommates computer and until I can figure out my self how to install the "self-install" kit for High Speed Internet from Comcast, then I am stuck without my connection to hit singles and will be forced to get the first weekend $9.98 promo offer at Target.

I'm feeling incredibly lazy today. My lack of a sense of urgency overwhelms me when I look at the clock and see that is is nearing 3PM and that now my day is shot to shit. I rolled out of bed around 10 AM, which is pretty much half the day for me. I was too tired and worn out from a long week to head straight to the gym so ideally I will muster the energy to go right before closing time tonight. I left the house closer to Noon to make the trek to Target for the wireless router and now that I am back home, as it turns out, the trip was pointless because I can't figure out how to install it properly. I don't understand what kind of cable company comes out to your house and leaves an unopened modem, and a box labeled "Self-Install Kit". I mean is that the service/labor fee that we paid for? I could have driven to their office and picked it up myself.

Either way I am stuck on my roommates computer and am dying to be on my own. I am dying to live in a world of my blog and make desperate attempts to write more often and consistently for my slowly growing brood of followers.

As I Youthfully Decline

Where is my youth going? Monday night we did inventory at the store. We did not close our doors until 9pm and when it was all said and done I was out by 3:30AM. I remember the days when at 3:30AM I was catching what I used to call a second wind. I was pulling through the drivethrough at Jack-In-The-Box and ordering up a trio of Jack's Famous Egg Rolls.

The night was young, but now I am not. The day following inventory I had to be up at 8 and back at the store by 9am. I wound up having a customer that took up my entire morning and lasted with me until about 3pm. Then I had to follow up with the Store info manager about the productivity of my department's inventory and by then it was a belated lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. By the time I returned from lunch I realized that the end of my day was past due.

I had to pick up my car from Sears because when trying to leave inventory fairly early I realized that I had a huge lug nut/screw thing stuck in my tire and it was all the way through so I had to buy a new set. $300 for a set of tires from a brand I have never heard of. Go figure. It seems like lately it is just one thing after the other. Life never stops happening around you even when it feels as though it is going your way. You can't keep it from happening. This week it just seems to be wearing on me a little harder than the week before. Mostly because of a lack of sleep. Tonight when I got home from work my roommate and I watched one episode of Sex and the City and by the ending credits we both had our eyes shut. I turned off the tv and laid on the couch for a while, whereas she decided to throw in the towel and go straight to bed. It was about 7 pm and the sound of bed was too enticing to pass up. I went into my room to lay down and now as it turns out it is 1AM and I am up and at 'em.

My eyes are still sleepy so I may lay down for a bit but all in all, my body aches of age and worth. I feel like I have been through the ringer and now I am ready for someone to hang me out to dry...

Reunion of Sorts

I have taken it upon myself (and with heavy suggestion of my high school peers) to plan my High School's 10 year reunion. Not for one second would I have ever considered doing something like this while I was in high school, so it is kind of funny for me to even think of doing it now.

When I thought about it I figured that most High School Reunions are probably pretty boring. People that don't like each other or really even care about where the others have been or where the others are going rally together for one night, and for what purpose? For me I am quite happy with where my life is right now. Looking back I don't, and never really felt, like I have anything to prove to my yesteryear friendships and I hope that most of the others from my graduating class will feel the same.

Realizing that nearly 10 years have passed since I was an 18 year old fresh out of high school is a really tough thing to face. I find it odd when 21 year olds tell me that they don't know Zack Morris. I guess it is those little realizations that help you consider the fact that "things were different, when we were young". Scary, isn't it?

I wanted to help plan my High School reunion because I want to have a hand in a celebration of the years that have passed. I am looking forward to being around the people who grew up with Zack and AC Slater. I am ready to be around all the guys that had a crush on Kelly Kapowski and all the girls who learned lessons about drug abuse from Jesse Spano because she was "so excited, so, so, so, scared." Whether it was a good time, a bad time, or a tough time, we shared important moments in our lives together and I think that hands down, that is something worth coming together to celebrate.

I also considered the fact that we were different. Always have been, and always will. In elementary school they deemed us "Drug Free Class of 2000". They had high hopes for us, and grand expectations. We are the millinial generation. The class of Y2K, the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, and the ones that brought you Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. We might have had a rocky start but just like Justin and Britney we keep on rockin' and we won't give up yet.

As our parents scold us for our terrible spending habits and our rebellion towards planning and saving for a brighter future the way that they did when they were our age, we are a generation of NOW.

Over the years as a class we have done a pretty good job at making attempts to stay connected. Which is more than I could say about the other classes ahead or behind us. For three years in a row Tyber Creek hosted the Annual Christmas Cocktail. The first year it was somewhat more cozy, but by the second and third year the crowed had doubled and tripled in size. The core of the group was Class of 2000 alums. Over the years the party grew to be friends of friends and those from "rival" high schools and such and so on. But a reunion starts with an idea. So my idea and thoughts are if that many people can rally together for three years in a row, just think of how many could show up to our actual 10 year High School Reunion.

Hot Child in the City

Okay so I have been here for about a year and a half now and yet everyday I remind myself that I am still somewhat new. It is such a hassle making the effort to get out and about and get your name and face out there that sometimes it feels almost better left undone. Needless to say, I NEVER quit trying.

Last week I was invited to a going away party. The going-away-er was a friend of a friend. We don't really even know each other all that well, but the gesture was well recieved when they invited me. I decided that I MUST MUST MUST go and meet some new people and if for no other reason AT ALL, then at least to possibly network somewhat for work. It's hard out there for everybody but in retail sometimes there are unseen customers that just need a little reminder that we exist. Often times this is enough to get at least a few bites in commissions.

When I recieved the e-vite I pondered over the idea of arriving by myself which would be somewhat scary to do (yet I am almost used to) or taking my buddy Lil'Mikey, or possibly my kindred spirit, Jo. I clicked "Accept" and R.S.V.P.'d for ONE. I decided to face my fears head on and venture out on this one alone.

I left work somewhat early to get a haircut, but on my way to my new fav barbershop realized that they were on vacation until next week. So I drove down Mass. Ave until I came upon a barbor known as "Fast Phil". $10 a cut! So whatever, He cut it, I'm not thrilled, but at least it is shorter. I rushed home to change, take a minute to sit down in front of the fan and try to cool off. It has been so hot and humid these last few days, it can really get the best of you from time to time. I made my way to Porter Sq. which is the closest T that I know of with a free parking lot for my car. When I got off at my destination I was anxious to make my way to the apartment. I had google mapped it on my phone and when looking at a map on your phone one truely never knows exactly where he is going. I began to cross the street while anxiously anticipating the changing of the lights. All of the cars except one had completely passed through the intersection and way back in the distance approached a beat up old Mercedes, which the yuppie driver probably elects to reference his car as "vintage"). Of course by the time I was halfway through the road they decide to speed up as if to not see me in the middle of the road. I know this trick, because I invited it myself. Then when they approached they slammed their breaks and caused a scene of dramatic affect. They threw up their hands and pointed at me, they did the Massachusetts sign language for "What idiot crosses the road on green?" In my typical fashion and as a part of my new found love of this MA culture, I yelled back, "I'm in the middle of the road now, asshole what do you want me to do? Run me over then!" Of course my array of 4 letter words was much more detailed and indepth than as described here, but nevertheless, you get the idea.

At the party it was beautiful. On the roof top. The weather had somewhat cooled off. It was perfect. That is until many many other people started to arrive. On the roof that was about an 8 foot by 8 foot space there were well over 20 people. This, of course, counteracted the benefit of the nice cooler night air, since there was all of the sudden, so much hot air, in the midst.

The party consisted of MOSTLY Harvard Alumni. This, I assumed, was the first of many to come for me. If I plan on being in New England much longer then I might as well get used to being the only person at the party with JUST an undergrad degree. Doctors and Lawyers and their allies were the majority. On 5 different occasions I was asked if I was in Medicine as well. I kept wanting to reference Grey's Anatomy, but just felt like that would have made me look and feel like an even bigger idiot. When they were not talking about medicine they were conversing about past, present, and future athletic endeavors. Marathons, Half-marathons, biking, hiking, running, and swimming. "Great," I thought to myself, "I'm either dumb as fuck, or fat as fuck!"

While in the beginning of this party I felt like it would be well on its way to nowhere for me, by the end I was having a great time. I had found a few small circles that allowed me to be the center of attention. In fact, once people heard that I was the host's personal clothing stylist they were all over me. They were intrigued by my profession and they were in awe of what I do. I had people coming up to me asking "Are you the stylist?" "How do you become a stylist?"

It was insane. I handed out all the business cards that I had on hand. I promoted my blog and hopefully will be seeing some additional "followers" in the near future.

When you live in a new place (and Boston is still fairly new to me, as everyday I discover another part I love about living in this city) it is important to try. You don't have to always be pleased with the result or the consequence, but at the least, you have to try.

An Invitation to the Dance of Life

It's over. At least. For now anyways. I won't be seeing him any time soon unless I ante up and make my move. For a while I had him going. There were alterations to be picked up, a missed shirt size that we had to order and so on. But now we are done. No more orders. No more alterations. Done. Finished. Completed.

In our conclusion there was a slight awkwardness on his behalf. I finished ringing up the transaction and walked his bag around the corner as usual. Then upon concluding I mentioned, "You are all set now..." it seemed as though this was not good enough for him. Maybe there was a step that I had forgotten? It was as if he wanted to say more to me but just didn't have the courage or know-how. He stumbled over words and said "...Yeah, Um, Okay..." PAUSE "Well..."

"Was there something else you needed to take care of today?" I asked my crush. But he hesitated, and then declined. An overwhelming sense of dissappointment rushed over me. This cannot be it I began to think to myself. Is it really over? At least for now? I hate that I lose track of words, and often lose sight of my goal towards flirtation. I am nervous around him because of the emmense potential for a brighter future that I can invision along side him.

He is not devistatingly handsome but he is very, very attractive. He is kind, and he is endearing. It is awfully hard not to fawn over someone like him. He has an innocence about him. An almost closeted innocence. A close friend of mine even noted that I could possibly be his very first. This, of course, is something I would have never wanted in the past. But it does lend itself to an easy out from the wonders and perils of that which is the gay culture. If he has not been fully exposed then it would make for an easy escape on my behalf.

I keep procrastinating when it comes to sending "the follow-up email". I am nervous that I will say too much, and scared that I might say too little. I need to sound completely professional, while sending a completely tongue-in-cheek flirtatious undercurrent. In most work environments, this would be known as sexual harrassment. So therefore presents itself as a total conundrum. I am dumbfounded. What now? I keep thinking that I could mention something about enjoying how he challenges my fashion know-how. I could let him know that he is more than welcome to challenge me again. Then it falls flat. Where does that lead the email?

I asked a friend of mine, this guy I dated briefly here, but turned out to be just friends. He said that I need to switch the arena. So far he feels like he has to shop and spend in order to spend time with me. This friend suggested that I must take this notion out of the equation but how so? It would be too straight forward of me to invite him to brunch. At least not through any email. I could lose my job if I am the one to call him. Yet how can I give him the green light to call me?

I went out to the club this past weekend and he was all that I could think about. You know, the honest truth of the matter might even be that it is just the idea of him. It is the fantasy that I have created around him that I long for. I am tired of this culture. I am fed up with the gays.

I watched a TV show tonight where this VERY attractive man, early thirties, or so, (and driving a Mercedes SUV) decided to get reconstructive hair surgery in order to start dating once again. I thought, how pathetic is this guy? He is attractive. From the looks of his car has a stable job and income. Yet he wants it all. Maybe he is too picky. That is just dumb. He is someone that I would go on a date with and wouldn't give his missing hair folicles a second thought. So what is it that makes him feel the need to go through these hoops to physically attract a male counterpart. It nearly brought me to tears to think of a world that makes this our solution.

Its unfortunate that we all must go parading around in such absurd fashion. But for now, just come here, let me whisper in your ear...

Celebrate the Wins

Okay so my fool proof plan would have been better served if not delivered by that of a fool. "You missed a pretty amazing brunch on Sunday"...Awkward Pause. Response: "Yeah." Not "Yeah?" Just "Yeah." Note...the period.

It fell flat after that. Amidst our typically falsified flirtatatious banter I still found myself dumbstruck. We spent over two hours together. My counterpart that is fully furnished says that he MUST be into me becuase what striaght guy would spend that much time with another dude that wasn't one of his close friends on a random Thursday afternoon.

I guess it feels good to realize that if nothing else, he enjoys spending time with me, right? Celebrate the wins. He smiles at me and doesn't flinch when I touch his arm. Celebrate the wins. He makes purposeful efforts to have more and more reasons to come back to see me. Celebrate the wins. He eats up everything I say. Celebrate the wins.

His birthday is tomorrow. He has no plans. He is between flights coming in to town from visiting friends in NYC and heading out the following week on a business trip. He seemed to make the effort to tell me his birthday was on Sunday. If this was not an unidentified "missed connection" then I don't know what is. I barely tell my best friends that it is my birthday, let alone the salesperson that picks out my ties.

Typically. If you have not yet thus far figured out. I over analyze. Everything. I do it all the time. And so do you, so shut up and let me keep going...

He is just normal. I am dying for us to just get on with our normal lives and give up everything else that is gay in the world. Wouldn't that be something special? Escape from all the vapid gays that are devoid of any real substance or worth. I would look forward to bringing him to brunch with my buddies. We could double date with the other couples that we knew. We would plan outdoorsy style events that we would venture off to do on the weekends. But my favorite part about our future would be the just me and him part. The times when we woke up in our room together and didn't step foot into the outside world.

He seems normal enough. Yet from his lack of giving off a gay effect I am really started to wonder if he is or if he isn't. I have plans to tell him happy birthday tomorrow but after that I don't know what to do. I have placed orders for multiple items for him. Could it have been a strategic move on his part? Tomorrow will not by any means be the last time I see him. I will get another visit this week when he comes to pick up the rest of the ordered items. So that is two instances that we have planned out thus far in our near future.

Here's hoping that he brings his wallet tomorrow and we can plan a few more...