Possibly Impossible

This morning was something else. 

I started out by stopping by LA Fitness to take advantage of an enrollment deal that ends today.  When I pulled into the parking lot I saw this big latin bodybuilder that assured me I was making the right decision to switch gyms.  WHEW!

Then I figured it would be easy to hop on the highway to pick up my usual latte and breakfast sandwich but I was sorely mistaken.  When I came around the bend I was surprised to see stop and go traffic that was mostly just stop traffic.  On the typical (less than) 5 min drive from my apartment to the Sbux up the street took me 30 minutes instead today.  

Why?  You ask?

The three lane highway was down to one lane so that inmates could pick up trash along the road.  This was at 930 AM on a weekday.  I agree, it was one of the smartest times to pick for such an event.  

When all the money making, law abiding (besides my driving) citizens are trying to make their way to work to fuel our economy and pay for these inmates prisons, we decided to hold them up by 30 min to an hour so that we could clean up a little trash.  As if the amount of trash they picked up would clean up my neck of the woods.

I spent the rest of the afternoon dancing in front of my bathroom mirror while making mixed CD's for my 3 hour ride to the beach from Charlotte.  I don't know what I am more excited about; the beach, or the amount of varied music I have managed to cram on to 10 CD's.  

It was possibly impossible.

Day Off Payoff

Today was my day off.  Well, yesterday, rather, was my day off.  It was a long day.  It is weird how fast the day goes by when you have money to "waste".  Yesterday I had no money to waste.  I had no money to spend actually.  I was quite lucky that my friend Kelly was kind enough to loan me 10 dollars that I used for 2 bottles of water, a packet of Taco Seasoning, and a Bagel and latte for breakfast.  A little random but it went a long way.

Yes.  Even though I was given a Ten Dollar bill, I still bought expensive ass Fuji Water.  But when it comes down to it, the little things in life go a long way.  I used the Taco seasoning to cook up some ground chicken that I had in the fridge.  This will be food until I leave for Charlotte.  

The weather was absolutely gorgeous outside.  Not to hot, but hot enough to get a little sweaty back from riding around in the car.  You know you like it.

I was banging out to my Justin Timberlake CD...Nothing says Summertime like Sexyback and Summer Love...it is all about the Futuresex/Lovesounds.

I made it to the gym in the afternoon where I did weights and managed to stay on the eliptical for a full 30 minutes afterwards.  I am still currently working out at Bally's but I was waiting for this paycheck to deposit and start at a new gym, LA Fitness.  Bally's is gross, old, disgusting, and it smells like athlete's foot.  So I need a change and this new LA Fitness is literally right beside my apartment.  It will be nice to be less than 5 min from home once i finish my workout.  That will keep me from eating dinner at 9pm every night.

I didn't do much else today besides cook up some chicken and go to the gym.  I did however manage to create link on facebook for my friends in Charlotte to meet me for drinks while I am in town.  It is hard to see everybody when I go home and often times I don't get to see everybody that I would like to.  This makes it easier.  It trips me out to think of how full of myself I am that I would make a "Come see Justin Tucker" Party Invitation and expect people to actually show up.  What trips me out even more is that within one hour of posting 6 people had RSVP'd that they would attend.  

I am having trouble getting to sleep now because I took a nap earlier.  I had spent the day alone so when my roommate walked in I still felt like being alone so I went into my room.  Since the chair at my computer hurts my butt and I am feeling the strain in my eyes from staring at my computer too much I laid in the bed and played games on my ipod touch.  Then I fell asleep.  This was at 7pm.  I got up at 10:30pm and called my friend Kim.  When I logged onto Facebook I found that the "Attending" total for my self-given party was now up to 12 people.  Man, I am the SHIT!  I invited over 50 people to this biker bar/BBQ joint in town.  It is big enough for all of them to show up, and I think it would serve as a great venu for everybody to just hang around for a bit.  

It is a really nice feeling that people miss me.  I miss the shit out of them too.  I now have friends that have moved back to Charlotte that were not there before.  I have friends that now have babies.  It is weird to think about all the people that I grew up with, actually, growing up!

So anyway, now I cannot get to sleep.  I logged on to see if my paycheck had posted yet and it has.  So that will help a little bit.  

Taking a three hour nap two hours before bedtime is never a good idea...

So I Creep

Yeah...Just keep it on the down low...

The people that live in the town where I currently reside CREEP ME OUT!  Every day I long more and more to move into the city.  My heart is set on Cambridge.  I think it will just agree with me.  I had dinner with some buddies in Davis Square Sunday night and it made me angry to realize just how perfect living over there would be.  Young people socializing in the square on a warm(er) spring time night.  People gathered outside the ice cream shop and having coffee while talking about something stupid that they think is intellectual.  Yes.  This is the place for me.  

But in the town I live in.  Creepers Peepers, man.  Seriously.  

That guy that cusses at Panera Bread when he makes my morning sandwich grosses me out.  I can barely ever understand him besides when he says "Fuck" which is a word I am MOST familiar with.  Other than that it seems as though he mostly mumbles but chooses to focus it in my direction leading me to believe that he is attempting to have a conversation with me.  This morning what I picked up was that he told me I was lucky because they were supposed to make the eggs in advanced, but when he went to check on them there were none left.  So instead he made me two eggs.  He kept holding up two fingers.  So I assumed this was what he was getting at, but like I said, I do not really know exactly what he was talking about.  Today he also added "Alright, Justin, Go get 'em"  and although the first time it seemed endearing and almost thoughtful, today it was just a sugar coated farewell.  It was used.  And expired.

Then as I leave Panera I look around in the parking lot at my "neighbors".  The people that live in this town are disgusting.  They are either the most hard up blue collar construction workers you have ever seen, or they are the most overweight Italian women wearing terry sweats and ed hardy t-shirts.  I wouldn't pick either, if given the choice.

But I'm stuck here.  I don't really have the money to move.  So this is where I will stay.  

For now at least.  

The 23rd of loneliness, and we don't talk like we used to do...

Baby Steps

I deleted my Manhunt account.  I also deleted the one I have on Adam4Adam.  Those of you who know me will understand why it was important for me to delete profiles from these sites in order to better myself and move on with my life.  

I have spent way to many hours online looking for the "next best thing".  It is never an overall productive habit and often leads to wasting most of my otherwise constructive time.  Take now, for instance.  Now I am able to write one more blog because when I went to log-in to my Manhunt account I tried three times before realizing that Customer Service had obviously received the email I sent two hours ago and completed my request to delete my account.  

Sometimes I feel guilty when, on a whim I delete the account altogether, but this time I felt good about it.  I checked the account and found that it would expire on this coming Saturday anyway and it would have actually rebilled me $30 (that I don't have) to renew my membership, yeah, I was a subscribed member.

So I am happy with my decision.  No worries on your end though, when I breakdown and create a new profile and a new account to start up my Manhunt addiction once again, you will be one of the first to know...

Disturbia

Tonight at worked I helped a couple.  Man and man.  My parents would be surprised to find that I was helping them look for outfits for their wedding.  Their REAL wedding.  Gay marriage is legal in the state of MA so it isn't out of the ordinary for me to help two grooms dress for their actual real live LEGALLY RECOGNIZED wedding!  

But this couple did not woo me.  So far it has been sweet to see these couples coming into to pick out the outfits they will wear on the day they exchange vows.  My mind never drifts towards disturbing thoughts of infidelity or the like, and yet I am able to focus on how happy this joyous occasion will be when two men are legally bound (despite whatever "arrangement" they decide upon after 3 years in!).  

Tonight's couple was different.  One big fat gay man with a grey goatee, and his young late 20 to early 30-something boy at his side.  The fat gay man with the grey goatee must have been past 50.  The young guy was average, but tall making him seem lanky and thin.  It was odd to see the two together not only because of physical differentials but also because of their vast difference in age.  Dee was the name of the old fat one.  When he approached me it was almost as if he was rolling his eyes on the inside.  I saw them and immediately asked if I could help.  "I guess maybe you can help us," Dee said, casually as he flung his arms up in frustration.  Let the record show, Gays that are planning to wed will ALWAYS treat the rest of the world as if it is still against them, even if the matter at hand has nothing to do with their given situation.  His frustration, I assumed, stemmed from his assumption that "nobody would help us pick out our gay wedding outfits".  These Wed-Gays have a time threshold that is about the size of my attention span.  If you don't hustle your way to greet them immediately then automatically you are against them and their entire cause.

During the entire episode I was on the verge of nausea.  For the most part when couples like this come in I try my hardest to just ignore it.  "Don't think too much, you'll ruin it," I would tell myself.  But in this case it was harder to do so.  Dee was one of your typical Wed-Gays, the kind that feels it necessary to so tactfully yet not tactfully at all reveal all of the juicy details.  If he is not busy explaining their crusade for gay marriage to a straight salesperson then they busy themselves up with the gay ones by trying to prove their love is real.  

Who fucking cares?

You're fat, You're old and you smell like strong soap.  One less of you fuckers in the world trying to grab a piece of my pretty little ass.

In typical salesgirl fashion I asked WHEN their "event" was.  I was trying my best to tiptoe around the subject.  Dee glanced at me, then back at his "blushing bride" and said, "Well...(pause for effect)...we are getting married."

"Oh okay, thats good," I wanted to move away from the subject, it was the first time that gay marriage had actually made me queasy as opposed to giving me hope that romance was not dead yet for a gay dude like me.  Dee kept gushing over his "Jay" and talking about how handsome he was.  

The thing about this couple that frightened me most was that Jay didn't really talk that much.  At first I thought he was foreign, maybe German.  I heard what I thought was an accent but he mumbled the whole time.  As time passed I realized that it was not an accent but more of a childlike mumble from a meek little boy.  This is what began to gross me out.  Jay, although taller than myself and Dee, talked with his head down and in a quiet mumble.  He spoke as if he had just knocked over his grandmother's favorite vase and was about to be punished.  YUCK!

Dee informed me that Jay only enjoyed ONE type of green shirt.  Jay never spoke to me directly, which also gave me the creeps, nor did he make eye contact at any point during the sale.  Dee talked to Jay as if he were his indecisive son that could not pick out which color balloon he wanted to have, and as if wittle jay-jay was scared of the mean ol' saleslady.

Creepy creepy creepy...

Once we convinced Jay to try on a green that would actually work with the color scheme that Dee had picked out for the wedding he held his head low and when Dee asked him if he wanted it or not he mumbled.  The entire time that I was with these two I never understood anything that came out of Jay's mouth.  Once he was in the lighter green shirt I told him that the color worked well for him and was great for the Spring, Dee added, "He looks good in anything he wears, but I guess I am a bit bias," and proceeded to brush Jay's cheek.

I'm throwing up while recalling these events.

Dee smelled of harsh soap and I got a disturbing visual of what sorts of things that he and Jay would do that would make him feel it necessary to use such a strong and pungent cleanser.  I was almost finished when Dee asked if I had a business card.  "Oh Sure! Let me get it," I was so pissed when I thought about this nasty fucker calling me up a few days later and saying something like "I'm not married yet, boy".  

I thought of how I would cuss him out and which vulgar words and slurs I might throw his way.  

What a friggin' soap scum!  YAK

Block Busted!

If my day off for the week happens to fall within a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday I have begun to make it a habit to visit Blockbuster on those days.  The reasoning behind this is because one day on a venture to my local Blockbuster, the noteworthy saleswoman, Paula, pointed out to me that if I am frequenting this location that much that I should really invest in their Rewards program.  It is not a credit card but what it entitles me to is a free "Favorites" rental along with my new release rental.  This benefits me because I love to rent television shows on DVD and watch each season all the way through.  Its just a thing I like to do.  So this way I can do that for free and only pay for the new movies that I watch in between.

So I get on board with rewards.  This is in the midst of Blockbuster's "NO MORE LATE FEES" Launch, right?  So they explain to me that there are NO LATE FEES, but that if you have the movies for longer than 7 days then they charge your account to BUY these movies but credit you back when you return them.  This doesn't sound so bad, until it actually happens because when it does they CHARGE you a $2.50 "Re-Stocking" fee.  Whoever came up with this verbeage for their company was a GENIUS!  When you say "Re-stocking" to a customer it initially sounds like such a strenuous task that you should be charged on behalf of making blockbuster do this, right?  But no.  All they are doing to "Re-Stock" is taking the DVD from your hand, placing it on their cart, and then rolling it to the section and taking said DVD from cart to shelf.  They don't even carry the DVD themselves from the counter to the shelf!  

So when you actually think about it.  Why do you need to pay them $2.50 to do this?  In actuality, this is what they do every time you return your rentals ON TIME, so what makes it such a hassle when they are a few days after the fact?  Just because you don't call the CHARGE on the customer's account a FEE, does not make it exempt from being classified as a late fee.  If your DVD's are late, you are CHARGED.  This sounds worse than "fee" anyway.  

What made all this worse for me today was that when I asked her about this she went on to tell me that in a few months there would be fees for every late rental.  When I enquired further she then told me that the company would roll out the program at that time but that she could not talk to me about it now.  I thought, "In that case, why the fuck did you even mention it?"  I found it hilarious when I realized that Blockbuster was the company that ran huge ads in their windows, billboards, and on TV that screamed "NO MORE LATE FEES".  

I guess that didn't pan out the way they had expected.

Breadth of Language

Massachusetts must be the only place in America where the guy making your breakfast sandwich at Panera Bread Company can utilize the word "Fuck" in their everyday jargon used in communication with a customer.  

I went by there this morning to pick up a bagel for breakfast.  I always add tomato to my breakfast sandwich (bacon, egg, and cheese...add tomato).  Since I have been picking this up with my well adjusted remix of their breakfast sandwich delight, the official sandwich maker, Jim has been in awe of my amazing ability to pair such an everyday vegetable such as the tomato with this sandwich.  Almost every single time I am in there he shakes his head in disbelief as he hands me the sandwich across the counter, and says "Now that's the way to have a sandwich."  No.  I don't think he is retarded or handicapped at all.  I think that he is a fully competent human being.  But I do find it odd that he is so taken aback by this little added detail to my order.  

It is funny that with such a simple exchange; me placing my order, waiting for it, and taking it from the hands of Jim, the sandwich maker extraordinaire, you wouldn't think twice about it otherwise.  But Jim.  He is different.  He makes this exchange of actions hold so much more meaning than I ever could.  

Take today for instance.  A special treat for me this week is that I got to have my breakfast sandwich yesterday since I wasn't going into work until 2pm and then ANOTHER ONE today because it is my day off.  So while waiting for it, Jim shouts out my name, shakes his head in usual fashion, but this time looks disappointed in himself.   He admits, "Justin, I really fucked up your sandwich yesterday".  I was a little nervous because I ate the whole thing and didn't think anything was wrong.  I thought he was going to tell me he undercooked the eggs or something.  Instead he admits that he forgot to put the tomato on it.  

I told him I didn't notice because I was so hungry.  Then he reiterated that THIS was the ONLY way to order a "fucking" sandwich.  He went on to say that he not only put tomatoes on my sandwich today but instead put THREE "fucking" tomatoes, NOT just one!  

I thanked Jim for his kindness and consideration in the making of my sandwich and as I bid him a fond farewell, he nodded, saluted and pointed to the door and enthusiastically uttered "Alright Justin, Go Get 'em!"  

It felt good to have someone cheer me on.  

I mean, it is my day off, so I don't have to go GET anything if I don't want to.  But I needed to hear it.  Even if it was the crazy old man that makes sandwiches at Panera, forgets to add tomato, and uses the word fuck so passionately you would think he was talking about a Red Sox loss, or the winter months in Massachusetts.

Who knew?  All this over a bacon, egg, and cheese (Sans Tomato)!

Whatta Mighty Good Man

Today, over brunch, some friends and I were talking.  

We talked about guys, girls, relationships and such.  We exchanged our views and whatnot and we joked about my promiscuous behavior.  It was a joke because I am not as "bad" as I once was.  I have grown up.  I know what I want.  It is just not available.  

One of my friends asked, almost in disbelief, if I would really be ready to settle down right now.  

YES!  YES YES YES!!!  I told him.  If there was a man who would love me for who I was, and care for my well-being, then yes I would spend every weekend, and every night and every other waking moment with him at OUR apartment/home.  I want so badly to find one person that makes me feel as though I don't need anybody else.  

No offense to my friends, you are all really great.  Really.  But seriously.  You guys know me.  I am funny.  I am kind.  I am a special person.  My friends all know how lucky a guy would be to have me, but none of the guys out there seem to know either.  

In my younger years I spent them throwing myself upon guys I found attractive.  I have forgotten how to do this now.  I tried doing it last night and it is more pathetic when you are older and know better, than when you are younger and have just had too much to drink.  When I think about it I cannot believe how much tail and attention I have pulled over the years and how fast that has come to almost a complete stop.  What is strange is that I was a 22, 23, 24 year old that wanted flings with these older men that only wanted to settle down.  Now, I am older and want to settle down, but I have already deleted their numbers from my phone!

That doesn't matter, if they were right for me they would have stuck.  I want to find someone closer to my own age.  To me there is something more sensual about being with someone that is in your own age bracket (or generation for that matter!).  You are both experiencing the world at the same pace.  You both have roughly the same amount of future ahead of you.  There is an opportunity for you to "grow old together" which is essentially what I am hoping to find.

When my buddy asked me in his disbelieving tone, it was not because settling down was something that he, by any means, thought I was or am incapable of doing.  It was because I seem so content with the way I live my life now.  

Not so.  I am really not content.  The only reason I seem content (sometimes) is because I am really trying to focus on the things that I have been told help to take your mind off of searching for THE ONE.  Career first.  Then relationship.  

 I feel like a twenty 1st century modern single woman!

But really.  What I am looking for is a man that I find physically attractive, and you all know my types are varied.  He would be someone that is crazy about me, finds me irresistible and cannot keep his hands off of me and yet all the while cares solely for my well-being and happiness.

Is that too much to friggin' ask?  C'mon people, I am DYING to be ALL SET!

Mikey Phone Home

My buddy told me today that after living here for four years he STILL does not feel like this place is "home".  I was surprised because there have been so many little things about this city for me to fall in love with that it has turned into my new homestead within the time of ONE YEAR!

The moment I knew I was falling in love with this city was the day that my friend Curtis had come up from Atlanta and we were taking the Ferry boat to P-town.  As the boat pulled away I looked at my city, with the sun shining down and the wind in my hair and just knew, this is the place I will now call home.  It was the most gorgeous weather that I have seen since being here and it is the day that I keep fresh in my mind throughout the groggy winter.  The summer months here in MA are what help tide you over.  They make it all worth while.  Just give it one summer in Muggy Ol' Charlotte to know that breezy days are worth fighting for.

Just a few other things that have helped me to become accustomed to this wonderful (still) "new" town of mine...

Sunday Brunch at Stella in "SOWA" - Even if it is just to make fun of the ridiculous looking gays - but also a great way to have a place to wear a cute outfit, especially if you didn't get a chance the night before because instead of every other weekend you used your better judgement and stayed home!

Walking around South End/Back Bay - If the weather is nice then the attractive people are out and about.  Don't be fooled, Boston is no New York, so...NO CRUISING ALLOWED!  

When the weather is warm one of my favorite spots is by all means Newbury Street.  Today we talked about whether or not the fashionable people are really fashion conscious or just living out loud.  I think it is interesting either way to see what people's take on a designer's runway intent has to offer.  You can learn a lot from the people on Newbury.  Also, last year while walking down Newbury I was lucky enough to see a guy getting arrested.  His car was pulled over by two police officers.  They had him cuffed and were pulling a variety of goods out of his car and putting them on the roof.  One bag of white powder.  One Bag of Grass.  Two small vials of God-only-knows-what and a syringe.  You would NEVER see this up close in CHARLOTTE, ESPECIALLY not at SOUTHPARK MALL!  NEVER!

Duck Tours - The "ConDUCKtors" (Guides) are goofy as hell but it makes for a memorable historic tour.  Not to pricey at $30 a ticket considering how much history and site seeing is crammed into one hour and a half.  Its a helluva lot better than some fat dude in a grey wig talking all Quaker colonial on a mother-fckr, right?  Plus, as an added bonus you get to SIT the ENTIRE TIME!

My Shady Parking Lot - I mean, I know that I don't own the lot or anything, but I do feel so inclined to call it my own, given that I park there every time I go into the city (along with everything else that has happened in that lot).  

Fritz is my favorite bar to have a beer and relax.  Although I still look more dressed up than the typical patrons I am at my lowest of keys.  Fritz is where I taught myself how to watch baseball and basketball.  When you are new in a city for some reason no one talks to you.  In Charlotte I used to think it was because I was promiscuous and disrespectful but who knew...they thought I was just visiting!?!?  Nonetheless, GO SOX, GO CELTS!

One Night I had decided to grab a beer by lonesome.  It was one of those nights I was tired of catering to Steve's list of demands and had decided that no friend was better than shit friend.  When I got to the bar I sat on a stool all alone.  The bartender started a conversation with me.  Where from, what do you do and so forth.  He was nice, even though he said that he had never seen me in the bar before.  I let him know that it was one of the only bars in Boston that I frequented and had been doing so for nearly a year.  Time passed while I sat and we intermixed conversation with him doing his job and serving the other patrons.  I finished my beer and had planned on only having one, as money was tight and I was driving home.  He slipped me a beer, gave a nod and a wink, and it made me feel special that the bartender was hooking me up.  We said our goodbyes, he was sad to see me go.  Not sure if the plan had been to get me drunk enough to take me home by the end of his shift, but I was sure as shit not ready to wait and find out.  On the way back to my car (in my shady parking lot) I passed a group of three gay dudes that were being loud with laughter and just having a good time.  They passed a homeless woman that asked them for a cigarette and the man gave her the one that he had just lit for himself.  His friends cheered cause they wanted him to quit anyway and the homeless lady thanked him endlessly.  They hooted and hollered, and the lady acted crazy.  This made me laugh and was another notch in my belt of loving this gosh-darned city of Boston.

I have plenty more where these came from.  Tales of being romanced by this wonderful town, but I will save them for later since this is the year that I have committed to showing my friend Mikey how to really LIVE in BOSTON and begin to call it home.  

weather you will, or weather you won't

A different dream I had a couple of nights ago, I would assume stemmed from the horrible weather here that is taking forever to GO AWAY.  

The snow has melted but the rain is here for now.

In my dream, my friends and i were searching for our car.  As it turns out the car was BURIED in the snow and we had to dig our ways into the car through the snow.  I remember sitting down on the snow and using my hands to scoop up the snow beside me and kept pushing my feet down in the snow, the way you push on the sand with your feet when you are laying out on your beach towel.  Finally the snow below me caved and I found myself plop down in the backseat of my friend's car.  Snow caved in on top of me.  I yelped and started scooping snow out the side door.  My friend did donuts in the parking lot with my door wide open while I shoveled snow off of my lap with my hands and into the street yelling "Snow Go Away! Snow Go Away!"

With dreams like these, I think I need a vacation.

My Dirty F-ing Mouth

I had a dream last night.  It was taking place while I was visiting home.  (I am getting ready to go in May).

The whole family was altogether watching a movie or something like that.  Actually now that I think about it we were all watching a movie and then we were all in this huge body of water.  There were bouys with different family memebers and I was swimming from bouy to bouy.  Finally we all separated because there were waves.  It was strange because we were in the middle of this body of water, so it was not ocean-like.  Then all of the sudden we all stared up into the sky and these Huge TV screens lowered and images and messages and sounds came across them.  This was some kind of famous water park where they displayed a light show and then the waves and the water started acting up.  I remember looking to my brother and saying "Is this really what they are famous for?" I was not impressed.  

Later on at the house when I was in my room my brother came in and said that he did not like my language.  I tried to reason with him and tell him I understood but it had embarrassed me because someone else was in the room that I didn't know that well.  We fought about it a lot and I slammed the door on him, but then opened it to talk to him more about the situation.  I plotted that for the entire weekend I would not talk to him for the rest of our time there.

It was a weird fucking dream.

Mr. Clean

I guess I am just lazy.  You could call me a sloth.  I just hate the idea of cleaning.  

When I think about everything finally being cleaned I get depressed.  This means that there would be nothing left to do.  Once it is all done there would be nothing to do accept sit around and look at your clean apartment.  You would not be DOING anything in your apartment because you would be exhausted from cleaning it that you would not want to have to do this anytime soon.  So you would look and not touch.

Another scary part about cleaning is that once you start you cannot stop.  If you clean up and get to a worthy level of ultimate clean, then the problem is that you have to maintain it.  You have to get in the habit of cleaning it all the damn time, over and over, it never stops.  If you just leave it messy, well, then it is ALWAY messy.  Maybe I fear inconsistency?

I would prefer to be always messy, than to either CONSTANTLY be cleaning up, or Never fully satisfied with the level of clean.  When it comes to cleaning up, the thing that really sucks is that there is always something else you can do.  

Take the bathroom, for instance.  First.  Put away all the product scattered on my counter.  Move all decor and clean bathroom counter.  Sweep the floor.  Mop the floor.  Launder Bathroom rugs.  Clean the toilet.  Change the toilet paper roll.  Empty the trash can.  Clean the Shower.  Clean the Shower curtain.  Change the wire rack from shower that is rusted with soap scum.  Windex the bathroom mirror.  

If this wasn't enough.  Go through cabinets and throw out old or expired products.  Finally get rid of all the almost empty shampoo bottles.  

I mean this is just too much.  

By now most my friends have realized that they do not go into my bedroom or bathroom unless they have to.  The close ones have become accustomed to my lifestyle and accepted me for who I am.  I cannot tell if this is a good or bad thing.  Seeing as how these are the only ones who would be honest enough to hold me accountable.  Luckily their rooms are messy as hell also.

I'm All Set

if you never noticed it before, you sure as shit will now.  i hear it time after time, i cannot tell you how much in one year I have heard the phrase "I'm all set" uttered from a local's mouth.  They say it all the time; "You, all set?"  

Am I all set with what mother fucker?  What are you people talking about?  I think it is hilarious and I love to say it now.  I AM ALL SET.  Bitch.

It can be meant as an endearing term or a gesture of fuck you.  It can be said in anger or out of sheer sincerity.  I personally like to say it to everyone when I have had too much to drink.  

The phrase "I'm all set" can let a homeless person know you don't have any money and do not want to hear their pitch.

"I'm all set" can let a commission salesperson know that you do not want them to "bother" you or that you just want to purchase what you have already selected, not what they are about to show you.

"I'm all set" can let your waiter or waitress know that it is time to bring your check or possibly that you are completely finished with your meal.

"You guys all set?"  Can be asked when the party is ready to leave the establishment.

"You all set?" (and raised eyebrows) is meant as fighting words.

"You all set?" (with raised eyebrows and a flat hand gesture) can let your girlfriend know that you saw her flirting with that guy and that you will be breaking up with her in the car ride so she needs to be "all set" and get his number because you, on the other hand, are all set.

(this was taken from a true story, I actually observed this one first hand between the couple at a party)

It is a great ending to a fight.  It is the "Fuck you" of open ended questions.  It is a way to sound as though you are sincerely concerned while letting the opposite person know that you want them to pack their shit and leave, because then, and only then, will you, yourself, be all set.

Crazy EM

I loved her so much.  I always do.  The crazy little girl.  I fall for them easily.  I want to help them.  Take care of them.  I'm gay, so I don't fuck them.  But you know.  I don't know.  It feels good to be needed.  Although I have had times when I pulled myself away because I knew that things had gone a little to far here and there.  

I had this friend.  Em.  She was cute.  Really fun.  She's a great girl and means well.  She is destined for disaster though.  I think that her mom lived a rocky life and because of it Em suffers.  I remember this being something that we briefly touched on.  Of course the subject wasn't one of her favorites to discuss.  

We met at work.  We will both admit that we never really cared for one another before actually working in the same department with one another.  Then love ensued.  

We both thought the other was quite annoying.  We laughed about it once we each confessed.  

It started out slowly.  But then we became thick as thieves.  We did everything together.  I did wind up loving her.  I cared for her dearly but she decided to keep giving her heart out to people who didn't want to fully respect her in regards to what she deserved.  She is beautiful and should take more pride in herself.

She went crazy.  Out of control.  That is when we lost touch.  This is the point at which it becomes easy for me to walk away.  I told her to make her own decisions, I wouldn't be apart of the bad ones.  

People have to make up their own minds when it comes to dealing with the cards life deals.  It always pisses me off when people say that they have it worse than someone else.  

WRONG.  

The dealer deals.  You play your hand.  We all get dealt cards.  Figure out how to play them.

Move on.

Everyone.  In.  Sameboat.

That is how I see it.  So that is why it is easy for me to abandon people when they deliberately choose NOT to follow the path that is obviously right.

We spent most of the summer together Em and I.  We laid out at the pool.  We found a pool in a high class neighborhood that was at the lake and would drive nearly 30-45 minutes just to lay out there.  No one was ever there but it was the nicest pool to lay out at in Charlotte.  We bought these drinks called "Peels" at the store because they were alcoholic beverages with REAL FRUIT JUICE in them!  "Live After 5" in Downtown Charlotte was a regular occurance.  We had our picture taken with a tin man at one of them.  It was one of the best summers of my life and for that I am thankful.

I miss you Em, wherever you are, good luck with that, I'm all set.

It's Official, I Live here Now

I just realized something.  I live here.  

No, but really, I live here now.  Last year I never felt that connection.  I was ready to leave and go on to something else or I was ready to give up and end up right where I started but now, I live here.

Now.

I realized this when I thought of how fun it will be to take some friends of mine, from here, around my hometown on my next visit.  They are excited to go because they have heard loads of stories from "various" locations throughout the "Queen City" and they are ready to see for themselves.  

I also came to the realization that in this year I don't have the connection to my friends from Charlotte that I felt last year.  I am connected here.  I am excited about my friendships and they that is what they are turning into.  They are not just people I have met, they are people I have gotten to know and become closer friends with.  I feel lucky to have met the ones that I have managed to maintain.  It is tough moving somewhere new because it is easy to give up.  

I know what had worked for me in the past, I know what had not worked.  When you see these character traits in someone from the beginning it is hard to give them enough time to manifest into something more than a mere acquaintance.  All in all this one rule will translate no matter where you are:  the ones that are worth keeping, will always stick around.  It's true.  I have managed to find some really great people to surround myself with up here and I cannot wait to take them to Charlotte and show them a few little nuggets of life that have helped me get to where I am now.  

On previous visits to my hometown I was fleeing my surroundings and trying to submerge myself in what had once felt so right.  With each visit this feeling slowly faded and now the tables have turned.  I am going as a vacation, not as an easy out.  I am the most excited about spending time with my family.  I have missed my mother and father very much.  I have not even gotten to see my sister-in-law or my new niece Daisy since I first saw her when she was born (She was born the January 19th, 2008, while I was up here looking for an apartment).  I only got to hold her once before moving and since then her and her mother have been ill everytime I have ventured home.  I have warned my sister-in-law that she is NOT to be ill and to keep that baby healthy cause I HAVE GOT TO SEE HER CUTE LITTLE FACE!

It's a lot better feeling when you look around and have the peace of living somewhere instead of just moving.  2008 I was in a constant limbo of wondering which world I should strive to connect with.  Now I am happy with where I am at.  Well, at least as far as my friends are concerned.

My wallet, that is another story altogether...