Cheat on the Beat

While I was out on the town this past weekend, celebrating my faux going away party (I was the only one invited btw), I met a couple.  Benjamin and Trey.  MISMATCH!!!

I saw them walking around the club for a while and thought that surely they were NOT TOGETHER.  I was mistaken.  I eventually had a conversation with the two of them because I found them intriguing.  It was interesting to me that every time that Benjamin had to use the bathroom Trey would follow him into the bathroom.  Trey did not have to go himself but instead would stand in a corner and watch every one at the urinals.  He would not take his eye off of his boyfriend Benji, who was, obviously, the attractive one.  Trey, on the other hand was ugly.  

U

G

L

Y

He did NOT have an alibi.  This is why I thought it was interesting, because they were SO mismatched and at first glance everything seemed kosher.  Then the night progressed.  On three different occasions all three of us were in the bathroom at the same exact time.  It would not have been AS awkward had it been JUST Benji, or JUST Trey, any three of these times but it was ONLY Benji using the toilet and ONLY Trey standing in the corner watching.  

The last time I walked by Trey on my way out and mentioned something to him about the crazy way the gay people were acting.  He agreed.  Then he said that they could act crazy with each other as long as they did not mess with his man, and motioned at Benji.  When Benji finished using the bathroom and Trey introduced us, Benji has an awfully big smile.  Maybe it was a cultural difference between the two of us, and maybe not.

Trey and I started talking about the south.  His Aunt lives in Atlanta.  We love the south.  Then I told him of my possible move and he stopped me.  Why would you want to go back there?  Boston is amazing and you should stay here, you have only been for a year.  I told him I was not impressed with the selection of men, and he boasted about his "Great catch, Benji."

I kept thinking to myself that something just wasn't right, but for the sake of the night I kept my mind optimistic.  Maybe there were couples out there that were happy and content to have each other.  Even if one was ugly and the other was devastatingly handsome with a great physique.  

Then the next day I found Benji on Manhunt.  His profile said "Looking for safe fun" which means I don't want to get caught by my boyfriend.  I emailed him to say hello, and he did not recognize me from my pictures, also he had plenty to drink the night before.  His email response was "Hello, I can't talk now my boyfriend is home."

I have to admit, it made me feel better to know that they were not JUST a mismatch.  

Trey had boasted of finding happiness and I was happy to find out that it was merely on the surface.

Occupational Hazards

A position came up and I went for it.  It is the job I have always wanted since entering the world of retail, and it is that of a Personal Shopper.  The title sounds simple enough but there is more to it than meets the eye.  

It would have landed me back in Charlotte and I have to admit that I was uneasy about it all.  I was excited of the idea of being able to frequent Dean and Deluca every morning for latte's and Glorious Morning muffins.  I was looking forward to being able to pick up take out at McAllisters Deli with a Chicken club sandwich and a big sweet tea.  

Then I thought of all the things that I had not done yet here.  I thought of weekends spent in P-town this summer, parading around in skimpy shorts with my shirt off, hopefully showing off the body I am working for now.  I was sad to think of missing out on Ferry boat rides with that incredible view of Boston Harbor.  I thought of the sunny Sunday afternoons I could spend at Fritz drinking beer all day long with my old bear buddies while I tried to pay attention to the Sox game on TV.  I imagined what it would be like to have one more incredible Boston summer.  I thought of Duck tours that I would go on to showcase the wonderful history that makes up my city to my visiting friends (HINT HINT).  I thought about all of the great and wonderful things that everyone tried to get me to do last year but I said that I wanted to wait.  I had waited on DOING everything because I thought that if I did it all right away I would tire easily.  I was happy to wait because I had no plans to go anywhere anytime soon.  

In the back of my mind I was not confident about the move.  If you couldn't tell, or have not heard yet, I did not get the position.  The reason that I was given was simply because of the cost to move me back to Charlotte, which I guess, is better than if it was that I was not ready for the role itself.  But I am.  So I wait.  I wait until another opportunity presents itself and then I will seize it.  

This past weekend when I went out I had no clue if I would get it or not.  I have to say that I did have a feeling that it would be a sure thing and so my mindset was elsewhere.  I went out as if it was my last weekend here.  I had a blast.  I didn't care what anyone thought about me.  I hit on the guys that I found attractive.  I laughed at most everyone else in the club.  It was the first time I realized that the gay scene in Boston is made up entirely of douchebags and guidos.  They all look like gay versions of the straight guys me and my friends usually laugh at.  

I met this black dude, Ben.  He was a big guy.  270.  HUGE.  Got his number and was somewhat disappointed when he said that he would call me the next time he came into town because I didn't think that I would be here.  

This past friday my friend Angela and I went to our favorite lunch spot called Flatbread.  As soon as we walked in I spotted something I have never seen in the entirety that we have been dining at that establishment.  His name, was Tom.  After being seated I prayed, aloud, over and over, "please be our waiter, please be our waiter" and he was.  See.  God does answer prayer ;-)

We flirted with him through our meal and at the end I handed him my business card and said call or email me ANYTIME.  Angela suggested we make a standing appointment for lunch on Fridays at Flatbread since Tom said that he only works on Friday and Saturday.  I thought that it was a great idea, but still, in the back of my mind was somewhat saddened at the idea of not being able to uphold our newly found ritual.

I guess it is all a part of the process.  That feeling I had about Angela's lunch ritual idea came in the midst of me feeling like I have not connected with many, if any, of the people around me here, but I am just being a big baby.  I get really upset when I think about how much I miss the friends I had in Charlotte, but I am glad that my quick fix was not a move back home.  I have made connections in Boston and I am looking forward to keeping it up.

Things change.  The times are changing too.  The contract we all signed when we came out here is up.  People will leave.  They will move on.  The ones that stay, will be stronger for it.  

I will look forward to seeing what occupational hazards unfold in the next few weeks.

Me and My Boyfriend...

I thought I woke up first this morning.  He was fast asleep and looked even more adorable than he does when he gives me  his signature smirk.  But he awoke too easily when I nudged on his shoulder and crawled on top of his chest.  I rested my arms on him and looked down at him.  He smiled without opening his eyes.  

It was when we started to kiss each other good morning that I realized that I was not the only one that managed to sneak out of the bed that morning to brush my teeth only to climb back into bed and fall asleep, seemingly unnoticed.  This is one of the things I love about him.  One.  Of Many.

We made out for a good portion of the morning.  We took time to recount tales from the night before and made fun of all the guys that hit on each of us that night.  We found their attempts to be humorous because neither of us were interested in the least.  We were happy.  We were content.  We were together.

We talked about where we should go for breakfast and we both mentioned how tired we still were.  He told me to go back to sleep for a little bit and that he was going to run out on an errand.  When he returned he had lattes and bagels.  He had even stopped by blockbuster and rented a handful of old 80's movies like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Can't Buy My Love.  

He also made a stop at Target and bought a small DVD player so we could spend the rest of the morning in bed together and last well on until the afternoon.  

By late afternoon we decided to get out of bed, although we managed to just leave our dirty clothes on from the night before.  We made a trek to Trader Joe's and bought tons and tons of fresh vegetables and food and decided to make as much food to eat as we could possibly imagine.

When we returned home I began chopping up vegetables in the kitchen, and he made a playlist on his ipod.  He filled it up with old school rap and hip hop and made me remember songs that I had not heard since Junior High School.  We laughed and rapped while we cooked up all the food we had purchased.  He pulled me away from my chopping of vegetables and put his arms around my waist.  He kissed me on the lips over and over again and said "I wouldn't want to spend a Sunday any other way".  He has a way of making me grin more than my facial muscles will allow from one ear unto the other and he knows just how much joy he brings to me but always prefers to ask me over and over "Do I make you happy babe?" and all I reply with is "Ear to Ear, baby, ear to ear"  

This is how I WISH I spent my day today.  I'm single as Fuck.

Today is the Greatest

Or Not.  I didn't do anything at all today.  I went out last night and wore myself out.  I started the night pacing myself and being happy that I wasn't planning on drinking that much.  I ended the night by drinking too much.  I met a few dudes.  But at least this night of nights I was happy and content with myself.  Everyone seemed like such a joke.  

Once you get in your mind the idea of abandoning all forms of restriction, like when you think about what it would be like to just up and leave tomorrow, you have a better sense of self.  Maybe rather, no sense of self at all?  I don't know.  Either way I spent the better part of the night in a great mood.  Steve didn't leave me and I didn't leave him (for the most part).  It was good to see him after not seeing him since New Years Eve.  I went up to the bartender, Rob, that I had thought I caused a scene with that night.  He acted like it was no big deal.  I told him how worried I was and he said it never happened.  I said it did.  I'm always right.

I met this big black dude.  I saw him walking across the dancefloor and I sought him out.  "You're a really big dude" I told him.  Sometimes you have to say something stupid to break the ice.  I asked how much he weighed and he said 270.  Geez...I wanted every pound in my bed!

But I played it cool and tried to figure him out.  As it turned out we had a mutual acquaintance walk up to us.  Later on that mutual person pushed us together and tried to hint to him that I would be a good match for him.  I liked that.  I really enjoy it when other people do all the work.  It takes the stress of meeting and greeting out of the mix altogether.  

He gave me his number.  He offered I didn't ask.  Then he ran off but luckily I managed to get the number along with his name.  It was awkward.  I sent him a txt that night on my way home.  He responded this morning.  He said he would let me know when he came back into town again since he lives in Providence, RI.  I feel like it should happen, I mean to go to all the trouble of giving out a number and an exchange of txt messages should not go to complete waste.  

His first txt to me this morning asked "Did you get a good nights' sleep?"  

I wrote back and told him that it would have been better if he had been in my bed when i woke up this morning.  That was a lie.  I mean, yeah it would be nice to have a cuddle buddy, but last night I was in NO SHAPE for having a guest in my bed!  I fell asleep with my Ugg boots on UNDER the COVERS!  

Man I got some good ass sleep though...

Throw Back from Way Back

This was a blog I wrote on Thursday, December 02, 2004

"another one bites the dust"

well another year has past and im moving on up.  I can't believe I am already 23 years old.  this year has been crazy.  i feel like i have grown so much as a person, a student, a professional, and even as an...adult (Eek!) so it is surprising to me that i am graduating in two weeks.  I am not pursuing a job concerning my major but so what.  I did it, i completed four years (CORRECTION...four and a half years) of college and i will walk the stage and collect my earnings.  but now what do i have to show for it?  people make such a big deal about college, such a big deal about getting a degree, but now that i am graduating, and now that i have found my niche at my place of employement and have decided to pursue it further as a possible career i find that i do not even need a college degree.  on top of that i don't even get a pay increase or a higher salary because of it.  IN FACT i don't even get salary pay, i will still be hourly.  but what the fuck ever.  I am moving in with my mama and daddy and will pay no rent, or utilities, i don't think it will be as bad as it seems.  it will keep me from going out as much as i like and i will be able to save more money and focus more on being determined to learn how to budget, pay off my credit cards and the debt i have to my father and to move out and get my own place and be independent from my parents once and for all.  blah blah blah...i'm 23 years old.

Today, Saturday, January 24th, 2009

My my my, how things have changed.  How was I supposed to know at the time that adult life was not all that it was cracked up to be?  At least in the beginning I had goals, even if I didn't manage to reach any of them.  Today I have tripled my credit card debt (though it is not as high as most my age!) and since moving out "on my own" I have taken money from my father nearly every single month that I have been in Boston, which has only added to the mounds of money that I originally had owed him at the time of my college graduation.  

I guess the difference between now and then is the relationships that I have.  With my parents and with anyone's parents for that matter your struggle as their child is to get out from underneath their wings.  It seems the more you try the harder it becomes.  It comforts me to talk to many of my friends that are my age that are also still taking money from their parents.  Maybe we are just an irresponsible generation of people or maybe this is just the way it is.  I still am terrible at budgeting my money, although 2008 marked the year that I learned how to hold off on impulsive purchases.  It is my belief that one or two every now and then is a healthy habit, but I make sure that there is money left in the bank to pay EVERY BILL ON TIME!

Now I am 27, four years later and I am still scared about the actuality of becoming an official adult.  Who knew?

Adult Shhhmadult

being an adult sucks.

seriously.  who knew that when you grew up you would be all alone and have to make your own decisions.  and your own damn peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  even if your mom really DOES make them better than anybody else!

Even though I am 27 I still feel like I am in my early twenties.  Not by the way I act.  I mostly stay in on the weekends and watch movies like an old maid.  If I do go out for a drink, one glass of wine has me swinging from the rafters.  

It is more so just as far as my credibility as an actual adult.  I think this is a feeling that stays with you for a while after reaching "adulthood" status.  Its scary.  Because you can acknowledge that you are supposed to make your own decisions and in your head you keep telling yourself over and over, I believe in me, I believe in me, but at the end of the day, are we ever really sure of ourselves?

Being in Boston this past year has been a long hard journey.  Who is to say if it is over.  or not.  but for what it is worth I have learned a LOT.  I was put to the test, financially, emotionally..and every other -ally that you can think of!  I spent much of the year with lonely times; a feeling not uncommon in my lifetime.  Much of my childhood was pretty lonely as well.  There were times when I felt all alone, but the irony of it is that I never really was.  My family was always there for me.  I made attempts to push and shove them away while growing up in the crazy world of adolescence but they kept coming after me.  One of the biggest things I have learned about myself this year is that the people I seem to miss the most are my family, mainly my mom and dad.  

Closeted

After graduating I moved home.  It sucked.  I was officially a grown ass man but I could not support myself and had not taken the necessary precautions to have a job and the money to move out on my own.  So I did what I had to do.

But what I got from it was a friendship from my parents to their adult son.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  Being the youngest of three I was lucky enough to learn from all of the mistakes my brother and sister made along the way (much at their expense!).  They complain that I never got enough spankings as a child, and my retort is that I simply just did not deserve as many as they did.  In actuality I just learned how to work my parents the right way after seeing what stupid things my brother and sister did that seemed to consistently get them into trouble.

This is all a part of being the "baby" of the family.

Nonetheless my parents have become great friends to me.  I talk to them about a lot of things and it is funny to me that I talk to them more about me being gay than I do my brother or sister.  Not that it matters either way but before I came out I would have never imagined it to be this way.  I guess I had pictured me and my sister having late night conversations and her wild eyed at my recounting of gay adolescence.  I was wrong about this.  

It was at the time of our first Grandmother's funeral.  We knew she was leaving us, so we all gathered together to say our goodbyes.  At a family lunch my sister-in-law asked me what I thought of her friend.  It was a girl that I knew also but had always known to be friends (and the same age) as my sister-in-law.  I said "yeah, she's nice," but before the rest of the words could fall out of my mouth I realized what she was up to.  

Holy Shit!  I thought to myself.  She is trying to set me up with a girl?

For a while leading up to this I had convinced myself that my family was fully aware of my homosexuality.  It was obvious.  My voice stayed the same as it always had been but my t-shirts and jeans got tighter and tighter.  

So when I realized what my sister-in-law was up to I began to freak out.  Surely she is joking with me.  I had no excuses planned out.  The best I could muster was "but she's like 30 years old" even though in my mind I knew that in the past week or so I had been out with a 36 year old.  

I realized what I had to do.  Cry for help.  I decided that I would take this tragic weekend and use it to come out to someone in my family.  I had always thought that my sister would be the easiest, so of course, I picked her.  The family limo picked us up from the house and she had to get her car that was still left at the funeral home.  

"I'll take you!" I almost shouted as soon as she asked out loud for a ride.

On the car ride to her car I said "I have something to tell you...I'm gay"

She was quiet for a while.

I gave her a look.

"Well what do you want me to say?" she asked.

"I don't know, I've never come out to anybody in my family before I dont know what to say."

It was awkward at first but we mustered through what I thought would be the most uncomfortable part.  As the conversation unfolded I realized that my sister was prepared.  She had known.  All along.  As I knew she would.  So instead of being what I had hoped she would be, she had an artillery of things to throw my way.  She went on to tell me that she didn't necessarily think that being gay was a sin, but what she felt was that I was too prideful to let God tell me I was wrong.  She had a whole mess of other stupid shit to say to me and overall I left feeling worse than I did when I was lying to my entire family.  

After it was over she asked if I minded that she send me some things.  I wound up on a mailing list for Focus on the Family (one of the worst organizations on the planet!) and then I got an email from her.  In the email she listed verse after verse from the bible.  She went on to say that if Mom and Dad asked her about it she would not lie.  It was the worst email I have ever gotten in my life.

I responded letting her know that I had plenty of bibles.  What I did not have was plenty of sisters.  I said that I knew what the bible said and that I would really appreciate her to just act like my sister instead of my pastor.  I also told her that it was not her place to tell Mom and Dad about me and that if she did we would end all forms of communication because she would have betrayed my confidence in her.  

She wrote back and simply said "I hope that I can be the sister you need me to be".

Unfortunately things have just not been the same since.  I made an attempt to confront her about it coincidentally when our second grandmother passed.  At this point my sister and her family were planning on moving to Japan for three years, so that her husband could pursue his "dreams".  We were talking back and forth and I admitted that I felt as though there was something between us.  She kept asking what, I kept saying "I don't know".  Finally she asked "BUT WHAT IS IT?"  and I shouted "when I came out to you it SUCKED!"

She confessed that she was sorry because she had things that she had been dealing with in her own marriage.  It still didn't make up for the hurt that it had caused.  It was hard to have so much trust invested in my sister, and then have it tossed aside as if she was a total stranger.  

Before I came out I had imagined my brother freaking out when I told him that I was gay and had thought of all the ways to tell him that I did not care what he thought.  I was wrong about this too.  I could have never imagined that my brother would speak so eloquently about a subject that I have never heard our family discuss.  

That's the thing about my brother.  Growing up he was quiet, often.  We always said he was in his own world but little did we know we had a great philosopher among us.  When I came out to him it was not by choice.  The only one that I chose to come out to was my sister, and that is another story altogether.  My brother called me up one night (this was when I worked at the Gap).  When I got home I called him back around 9:30, I remember that it was late cause I figured my nieces were in bed cause of a school night.  He sounded very awkward and then asked if he could come over to hang out.  I was a little confused but as soon as I put the phone down I knew what was to come. 

I knew right away that he had heard or figured out that I was gay and now he was on his way over to confront me about it.  I paced the parameters of my apartment endlessly until the 45 minutes had passed and he arrived.  This was a drastic move on his part since his family lived in Waxhaw and I lived in the University Area at the time.  

As soon as he walked in we sat down on the couch.  It was awkward.  We never spent that much time together, so a random visit on a thursday night was somewhat out of the ordinary.

"Justin, I heard a rumor" he said.  The rumor was from his wife, who heard from her mother, who heard from his wife's nephew, who had been at a party at UNC-Charlotte, and heard from someone else...

I stopped my brother because at this point I was OVER IT!  "

"I'm Gay"

"You are?"

"Yes."

Then my brother went on to tell me that he wanted me to know that he loved me.  He also confessed that he would have no idea how to even imagine what life would be like to live with something like that and for that he was deeply sorry.  He told me that there was no point in telling me what the bible said about it because he knew that I was a Christian and that I had read what I needed to and made my decision which he trusted.  

I began to bawl my eyes out.  This was the only emotional moment that my brother and I have ever shared together (aside from when he was left to watch over me and would stick my head in the toilet and flush and I would cry about it).  

We talked for a while, he asked if I had told anyone else.  I told him about how things went down when I told our sister and he said that he was disappointed in the way that she had reacted.  He asked if I minded that he tell his wife (whom I love dearly) and of course I did not mind at all.  He said that he would not tell mom and dad because that was my business to tell.  

Growing up with 7+ years in between the two of us I never had that experience of a big older brother to protect me on the playground.  It was not until this night that I realized that was exactly what he was.  

My parents were an altogether different story.  I graduated.  I moved home.  My old room.  My old routine.  Although we became much closer it all began after I came out to them.  

As I mentioned before, it was not by choice.  This guy in one of my Social Work classes at UNC-Charlotte had given me this documentary "Rock Hudson's Home Videos".  It was on a blank VHS tape and looked like it should be covered with vaseline and hair, if you know what I mean (and for the record, it was not).  But it was a shady looking tape.  I never watched it.  I only took it to make the dude (who I would assume was in the closet) happy.  

I was pet sitting for a friend and I was staying at his place.  I got a phone call from my dad and he said that mom had been looking for something in the attic and found the infamous "Rock Hudson's Home Video".  He asked if I was experimenting with anything.

Now up until now I was at my wits end about this gay closet stuff.  I was over it.  I was out to EVERYBODY (including Brother and Sister) at this point so the only people left were my parents.  I had made my mind up that I would tell them as soon as I moved out of their house OR if they directly asked me I would not deny it.  

So he was directly asking me.  "Are you experimenting with anything, son?"

My dad always likes to throw...."son" on the end of a question so that I understand that he means business.  Its a condescending "dad" thing he does.  

"Well...I'm not experimenting, I'm pretty much in it"

The secret was out.  He said he wanted to come see me and talk to me in person.  He came to my friends house where I was housesitting and picked me up.  When I got in the car he asked if I wanted to go and tell mom because I knew that he would have to tell her so I might as well be the one to do it.  When I finally mustered up enough umph to say "Mom, I'm Gay" to my mother, she denied it.  "Justin, you're not gay".

"Yes...yes I am gay"  I was so pissed!  It has taken me a lifetime to finally get it out and she wasn't letting me do it.  

We spent a lot of time talking that weekend.  We actually talked a little more than needed.  By the end of the weekend I put an end to it.  I told them that it was not fair to me to have to divulge the private details of my life just because I am gay while they would NEVER feel so inclined to ask my brother or sister about such intimate details.  I put my foot down and told them that we would not be talking about that sort of thing anymore because it was not fair to me.  I ended the weekend and lengthy conversation by telling them that I would really appreciate if they would hear more than one Christian view about being gay.  I said whatever information that you get I would really appreciate if you would use God's gift of discernment to decide for yourself what you choose to believe but if you would just be open to reading about more than one perspective.  

A few months later my mom told me she was reading a book by Anne Hache's mother.

Awww shit, I thought.  I figured that would really mess her up but as it turns out the book is about loving your family members despite being gay.  Apparently Anne's father was gay and died of AIDS but had kept the secret from his family.  Anne's mother speaks about how hurt she was by the lie and how she dealt with that.

One afternoon when my dad and me were taking out the trash we had just dropped the trashbags in the bin and closed the lid when he said "I'm reading a book by PFLAG"

"Um...okay."

He was proud of himself for doing so because it was a request that I had made.  He said he was being open to reading other points of view and that he did not plan on marching in a parade with me but that he thought that the book was very insightful.  

Progress was made.

On a few lunch outings with my mother she would ask me questions.  Just random questions out of curiosity.  After our discussions unfolded we would begin to reach her threshold for tolerance.  She would stop me mid sentence and say "Okay...okay, That's good."  I would just nod and acknowledge that she had grown uncomfortable.  I was impressed with her that she was trying.  She struggled but tried to find ways to connect.  There was one conversation that we were having and she kept asking me questions that I knew that she did not want to know the answers to.  I told her "Curiosity killed the cat, Mom".  She simply replied, "I'm no cat, Justin". 

Since those "precious moments" we have begun to have more intelligent gay conversations that the ones we had that first weekend.  My dad has told me that he is disgusted by parents who disown their gay children.  He says he knows a few fathers that have done so and he just doesn't understand how they can think they are doing God's will by cutting off their own children.  

The day I came out to them was actually on Valentine's day.  It could not have been a more appropriate holiday to come out and learn just what Unconditional Love is all about.  

I remember that things changed after that day.  I thought "I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD!"

I am out to my parents, its over!  There is nothing else to be afraid of.

I'm coming out, I want the world to know....

Days Go By

..and still i think of you.

I was just thinking about the girls I used to hang out with in High School.  I have always enjoyed surrounding myself with a harem of beautiful women.  There are some that I am more proud of than others, but nonetheless, they have all served their purpose.  

During my Junior Year I met Candace.  We had a science class together with Mr. Lafances one year and then were in the same Science class as each other the following year, so we sat beside each other.  I can't remember how exactly we began being friends but if memory serves correct, this is the most accurate tale.  During class one day in October of that school year we were talking about visiting colleges.  I hadn't taken this seriously, nobody had, and we found out that we actually got to MISS SCHOOL in order to go visit colleges.  All we had to do was take a campus tour and get an admissions person to sign for it and we could MISS SCHOOL, on PURPOSE!

So we decided to visit East Carolina University.  This was my safety school.  For the record, it was everybody's safety school.  I picked Appalachian State, Gardner Webb, and East Carolina.  Looking back I have no clue how or why I would pick ANY of those but I can remember that they were my picks.  We figured that we should go for halloween since it would be more fun that way.  Candace and I had barely hung out at this point.  I don't even know if we had hung out at all before this trip.  

I had always known that she was a little ghetto.  Her and her friends listened to rap music.  Had tinted windows and big bass speakers in the trunks of their cars.  Their boyfriends all wore baggy jeans and Tommy Hilfiger threads.  So...again, I don't know how I managed to wind up in the circle of trust with this bunch.  

For the weekend trip Candace invited Jill (she looked like a duck) and Paige.  I loved Paige.  I still do.  Paige was always a few years younger than us, but she always seemed to act the most mature.  Her parents were separated and her mother was a crazy drunk, so it was inevitable that she would turn out to be the most responsible young adult.  We stayed at the Hampton Inn and we went to a few parties and what not.  I remember Candace's boyfriend Zack beating a hole through our door and fighting with Candace.  I remember how weird Jill was when she politely asked us to pull the car over so that she could open the door and puke.  I thought it was weird that someone could be so aware of when they would vomit that they had enough time to ask to be taken to the side of the road and then ever so carefully open their door, bend over, and yak all over the street.  I remember that at the time I did not drink alcohol.  It was not until I turned 18 in the following December that I had my first Beer.  Candace and Jill drank liqour.  Paige only smoked cigarettes.  I smoked them too, cause I wanted a vice.  It WAS cool to smoke because I needed  something other than not drinking to keep my mind off of things.  

Candace, Paige, and I spent a lot of time together that year.  We went to a Rave.  We went to a haunted house.  We also had Tina.  She was a Lucy Liu looking asian bitch and she followed us around too.  Tina was just as bad as I was, meaning, I was such a goodie goodie and she was too.  We were both hoping that some of Candace and Paige's badness would wear off so that we would stop being so ordinary and start being cool.  

These were the girls that taught me how to walk out in front of cars and casually say "We're pedestrians, they yield to us!" They were like my sexy body guards and they watched over me whenever there was possible harm around.  They were tougher than any guys that I knew even though I didn't really know any guys, but they were my friends.  

One day Tina and I left school in the middle of the day.  Senior year was pointless so we left.  I was notorious for making really good CD's for everybody and soon enough the School Counselors that "Kept guard" of the parking lot found out.  They would sit at the entrace in a golf cart and make sure that nobody was leaving when they were not supposed to.  So I made them Cd's and they let us come and go as we pleased.  It is funny looking back on it, to think that I was this kind of person.  At the time I never though I had it in me, and I guess that it was just too good to be true when it was actually happening. 

I remember Tina slammed on her breaks on Highway 51 and a the car behind her bumped into us.  We were barely 18, we were skipping school, and yet Tina got out of her car and started cussing out the grown woman driver that was behind us.  I thought, "Damn, this bitch has balls".

Around this time Lil' Kim's Hardcore album came out.  This, along with Destiny's Child's "Writing on the Wall" were the main things that we listened to throughout our trip to ECU as well as the rest of our Senior year.

By the end of the year we were thick as thieves.  We had given Candace a hotel party at the Residence Inn in February, and Tina had called me up when she heard on the announcements that I had made Reverse Homecoming Court.  Senior Spring break was the first time that I had liquor and Candace was the friend who taught me how to drink it.  

One of my favorite memories was the first day that we got down to Cherry Grove beach.  My childhood Graham (who was more cleancut that I was) came with and it was me and him, Candace, Tina and a girl named Sarah for the first night in mine and Grahams hotel room.  We arrived around 3pm and got drunk off our asses.  We jumped up and down on the beds, played loud music, and the girls flirted with the East Meck boys that were staying next door until we realized that they stole one of our bottles of liquor.

We had a team meeting and agreed to play it cool.  Candace rode to the store with the boys in their jeep and when she returned she locked the door behind her laughing her ass off and telling us that she had stolen one of their wallets.  It had fallen out in the jeep and she took it.  It was the perfect revenge!

We traveled back to the beach at the end of the year after graduation.  Candace, Tina, and myself were the originals and we brought three random black girls along with us.  Bryson and Hunter stayed over one night when they came to drop off McNeal who had stayed with them for the first part of the week and was staying with us for the second.  

When we were out on the town guys were all up in their business.  They all wanted to know what was going on with Tina or Candace.  Tina had this blue two-piece that she would wear and one day while walking to the beach these dudes called out "Hey Blueberry!" It was hilarious.

We went to Joe's Crabshack one night too and when we were leaving it was me and Candace alone from Tina and the B-girls.  This guy walked by us and was smiling really big.  At the time I couldn't tell the difference, and I thought he had been checking out Candace, even though I remember that he was an attractive guy.  Candace made a scene to embarrass him and asked me quite loudly "DO YOU KNOW HIM??"  We laughed at him and we continued to the car.  I guess he began to follow after us and Candace got her baseball bat out of the car and beat it on the ground saying "DON'T....MESS...WITH....MY....FRIENDS!!!"  It was an awkward but endearing way of a friend warding off unwanted company.

Tina and the B-Girls left halfway through the week but this was after a night when all of us were crammed into one little room, including a dude named Chauncy.  For some reason the only spot left to sleep was beside McNeal and Chauncy and that was left for me.  I realized that they were up to something and I decided to sleep elsewhere.  While there were 8 other people in the room McNeal hooked up with Chauncy.  Things got worse as the week proceeded.  On one night McNeal and Candace brought two guys back to the room.  Candace prided herself on only going to 2nd while McNeal came to ask her for a condom.  Nobody had one between the guy that McNeal was with, Candace, or the Guy that Candace was with so it was left to assumption that there were no condoms available.  

When I woke up the next morning the boys were gone, and I crawled into bed with Candace.  At this point we had become like brother and sister.  She looked at me with wild eyes and said "I have to tell you what happened last night!" So as a cover we told McNeal we were going to get some food.  

In the car Candace told me that McNeal asked for a condom and that there was none to be found.  She said it was while Candace and her guy were in the shower.  When they came out of the bathroom Candace got into the bed and then the guys made an attempt to switch places.  Candace declined, because thats just gross, but McNeal had another go at it with the OTHER dude that had already hooked up with Candace.  So in one night she fucked two different dudes without condoms.  

The next night Candace and I decided to finally go out as opposed to drinking at our hotel room like we had done every night that week prior.  So we went to the Freaky Tiki and I remember hearing the Madonna vs. Stardust - Music Sounds Better with Holiday Song while we were there.  When we returned to our room McNeal was not there.  We went to bed.  

When we woke up.  McNeal was not there.  We began to worry.  We went knocking on the doors of the hotel until we reached a familiar face.  There was a guy that McNeal had been making fun of all week standing in the door way.  She had joked about how much of a loser he was and had even mentioned some insults directly to his face.  We asked, "Have you seen our friend McNeal?"  and he said no, then we say something move under the sheets and McNeal popped her head up and said "hey guys!"  He looked over at her and looked back at us and said, "Oh, her".

It was quite eye opening to see the way she chose to live her life.  But nonetheless I was friends with some crazy bitches.

I miss you Candace, I miss you Paige...I do not however miss Tina.

Tha Crossroads

So you won't be lonely...

I have reached a crossroads in my journey that I embarked on a year ago this time.  

Should I stay, or Should I go?

It is hard to say whether or not I feel led in one direction or the other, cause I don't.  I would like to be here for a while.  If for no other reason because just being here, despite whatever it is that I may be doing while I am here, I feel a sense of accomplishment.  

When people ask, I share with them that I never had that "I need to get outta this town" feeling that a lot of people around me had growing up in Charlotte, NC.  Of course Middle School was in a class of its own, so we don't count those years, but other than that I grew to love the city I grew up in.  It has its share of flaws, no doubt, but I love it so so much.  The funny thing is that there are things about it that the people here try to snub but there are things that Charlotte offers that in my book are way better deals brought to the table.

Dean and Deluca

McAlister's Deli

Southpark Mall

Coyote Joe's

Anna's Alterations

The Harris YMCA

The Dowd YMCA

Long's Cleaners

Moe's 

Einstein's Bagel

Harris Teeter

I mean, I know that I am a whore for a good Chain restaurant.  But what is with different regions offering different goods?  Who wants to eat at Chipotle?  What the fuck is Restaurant Route 99?  This is ridiculous.

Why would you trade a cup of freshly brewed iced sweet tea from Dean and Deluca and an overpriced Sandwich for a few crummy calzones and dishes full of chicken and broccoli?

I miss Charlotte a lot.  I thought about moving back today.  I thought about how it would feel to renew my membership to the Y.  Drop off my laundry at Long's cleaners, where my mom has taken our family's laundry since I was a child.  Meet my friend Jamie on her lunch break from work at Dean and Deluca.  Walk around Southpark mall and check out all the old men that have come there to cruise boys like me.

Ah...memories.  

I miss it, but I feel compelled to stay here.  I feel like I have something to accomplish here and yet I don't know exactly what it is.  I keep thinking that Charlotte will still be there when I go back, and it will be exactly the way I left it, but it won't.  That is the scary part.  It is scary for me to realize that everyone that was a part of my life when I left, has not made their own lives happen without me.  I will return to awkward silences and be left out of many inside jokes.  I will have to ask too many questions to catch up to the ongoing drama, and I will have to just be content with being left out of the loop.  

I thought about what it would be like because I think about things here.  Work.  Social Life.  Everything.  I think about it.  How permanent is any of this?  The only friend I have made here outside of work is turning out to not be a very good friend overall.  Weeding through the good and bad is something I had prided myself on when I left Charlotte.  I had a going away party and looked around at the faces in the room and was very pleased with myself and the work that had gone into the relationships I had built with those friends.  All of them were/are worth the effort.  This outside-of-work friend I have made here is not yet determined.  We have maintained friendship after a slightly uncomfortable first interaction.  He is one of the only men I have been able to do this with and yet now, after a years worth of time invested, I see him in a different light.  I realize that he is actually a lot more self-centered than I had originally intended.  

On New Years Eve I yelled at him on the phone.  We had made plans to meet up.  Go out.  Have fun.  I told him what time I would arrive in the city, and explained my preliminary plans leading up to my arrival.  It was simple enough.  But instead.  By the time I finished having a drink with some girlfriends (from work) at their hotel room I made my way towards his apartment.  I called.  No answer.  It was 9PM.  He told me that he would be finished with the gym by 8PM and that he would be home by then.  He was napping.  

I left him a message and told him that I would wait at the bar around the corner.  I waited.  Alone on New Year's Eve.  Drinking.  At a public bar.  Alone.  I was alone.  I called him multiple times then gave up.  I figured out that I would just have to wait "patiently".  finally at 11:15 he called.  "I'm outside, come meet us, we don't want to pay cover to get in here," I'm on my way.  Again, simple enough.  New Year's Eve was, to date, one of my coldest nights in Boston yet.  So I had to put on my sweater, my coat, my gloves, and my hat.  By the time I was ready to go he had called again bitching, "Where are you?" I'm on my way out, I hung up the phone.  By the time I got outside he was nowhere in sight.  He had already left me.  I called.  I cussed.  

"HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS EVE!"  I told him that I was going home.  Then dropped the "F" Bomb a few more times before hanging up on him.  On my way towards the T (Boston's 'premier' public transit system) I realized that I had already paid for my entry to the club that night and it would be a waste of $40 if I didn't go.  So I called him back.

I admitted to him that I was one of the most selfish people I knew.  I also told him that I didn't understand why it seemed like all I ever tried to do was to put him first, and yet he could not extend the same non-selfish courtesy to me.  I had waited an hour and a half for him to meet me at that bar where I drank ALONE and yet he could not wait for 10 minutes.

This event was the straw that began to break my back.  It made me realize that he is such an inconsiderate person.  There are little ongoing signs here and there that make me know that he is selfish, but this event was by far the worst.  It angered me that he did not seem to care that there was a snowstorm that night.  I had to drive my car to the train station.  Then I had to ride the train that kept stopping for long periods of time because of the awful weather.  Then I walked around in circles outside his apartment while he did not even pick up his phone to give me any detail.  On top of all this, I found myself alone, on New Year's Eve, drinking at a bar.  No friends in sight.  

The next day I met a 'friend' in the city for some afternoon delight.  I had called my Selfish friend all morning and when he did not answer I made other plans.  When I returned to my car after being 'delighted' I found that Selfishness had given me a buzz.  I called him back and picked him up for breakfast.  When I did the first thing he did was start bitching about all of his friends that lived in the city that had not bothered to answer their phones when he invited them to breakfast.  

I realized that I had been at the bottom of the list for breakfast choices and I am nobody's last resort.

It saddens me to think that I have invested time in someone who considers me a last resort, when I know all along that I have people living in a city called Charlotte, that would put me first for any occasion.  

My patience threshold is short-lived, when it comes to putting up with other people's bullshit.

I've got enough of that going on in my own life.  

...now tell me what you gon' do when there ain't nowhere to run...