Just my Way or Not Much Say

Its funny to me that when things don't go your way, you are still not offered a helpful solution. Tonight I ordered a pizza. It took almost over an hour to get here. Instead of giving me that order for free, the driver gave me an additional pizza. So in turn, he is actually helping me get fatter than I had planned on, instead of helping me save more money. This hurts, instead of helps.

I had an event scheduled at the store. A rep was scheduled to make an appearance. She was a no show, and said that she was double booked, so she sent me and my team free suits to make up for it. Our business sucked (which is what we SHOULD really be hoping to improve on) yet because of this we got a new suits. Did we deserve them even though we needed her to come out to build excitement around this vendor who we were not doing the kind of business in to deserve free suits.

It makes no sense to me. When its bad, make it worse. Reinforce bad habits with more bad habits. No sense at all.

Douchebag

The guys at my gym are total douchbags.  They show up with gel in their hair, their eyebrows done AND arched, and tribal tats on their arms and around their ankles;  and these are JUST the straight ones!  They are gayer than most the gay guys I know.  They wear sleeveless Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirts and they are on all these diet/weight gain pills and needles.  They are almost more obsessed with their bodies and image then any gay dude I have ever met.  

It is a wonder to me what girls find these guys attractive.  Maybe it is because there is nothing better out there and their gay friends won't sleep with them.  It just seems like it would be tough to date someone who was as vain as these guys.  

These are the thoughts that enter my head while I am turning it out on the eliptical.  The other day  I was on weights and actual witnessed a guy trying to pick up a girl that was working out.  Word on the street is that my gym is VERY cruisy for straight people (because trust me, it is NOT that cruisy for Gays).  No Lie;  The guy actually asked the girl if he knew her from somewhere.  Then he spent 20-30 minutes asking her if she was SURE that they didn't know each other before finally introducing himself.  Then he said "you MUST have a twin out there".   I wanted to just jump in and hurry things along.  The guy was attractive.  He looked pretty masculine except for the high arches in his brows but an overall nice looking dude.  You would think that he would realize that he doesn't have to try so hard.  

On another occasion I saw a female trainer pick up a guy that was working out on his own.  Out of all the guys in the gym he was by far the most puny.  No muscle at all.  By the lack of enthusiasm in his swagger you could tell that he did NOT know his way around the gym.  One thing about him that did seem to stand out, and was almost impossible to go unnoticed was that he must have been quite endowed in a place other than his UPPER body.  He was walking around the gym "showing off" and not making any attempts to hide anything.  This female trainer took note and I watched as she swooped in for the kill and set up a training appointment with him.  Then she kept making purposeful attempts to walk by him and smile and then I could watch as she came up with reasons to go back over and talk to him.  

My gym is a regular shit show.

Mikey Mike the Philosopher

At brunch on Sunday my buddy Mike made a valid point.  

He follows my blogs regularly and if I had to guess out of all of my "followers" he is the most religious one.  I am often impressed that he seems to remember the things I write about better than I have.  I guess because to some extent as much as I enjoy writing, a lot of it is just used as therapy for me to get all of the crazy shit out of my head and onto the page, and as most of you know...I am still crazy.

Mike was asking me about how stressed I seem to be about finding a mate.  Then he correlated that between my feelings of being so happy with myself and the person that I have become.  He made the point that if I am so happy with myself then why am I letting something like finding a mate keep me from COMPLETE happiness?  He asked if I thought I would ever get to a point when I was just happy without one.

It was actually a scary thought for me.  It is important to figure it out, I guess, but it seems more fun (and a lot easier to deal with) to just never give thought to it.

What if I don't find a man?  I need to hurry up and find complete happiness now.  

When Mike was talking about the two things that seemed like separate entities it made me realize that I actually contradict myself.  I am not happy with JUST myself.  I am happy with who I am but I am lonely.

I have strived to be more okay with this in recent months/weeks.  I am glad to have found friends like Mike and our other buddy Mike.  I am starting to find some great friends that I work with also and I am just trying to stop looking outside to find my happiness when I can find reassurance from these great friends I have found.  It was Pride weekend and I chose not to go out on Saturday night because I knew that spending the money to get into the club would not be worth the disappointment.  I also realize that if I fear rejection and disappointment when I go out, then I should just not go out.  So I am trying.  I am trying to not go out as much because it only sets me up for failure.  More importantly I have to realize that the guy I want to settle down with does not go out, so what makes me think I will find him while I am out?

This is my life, got to hold my head high, I've got my pride, and no one's gonna take it away

Pride (In The Name of Love)

One man comes in the name of love,

One man come and go,

One man come here to justify,

One man to overflow...

One man went to Pride and lost all sense of hope for the sake of his people.  It was a regular shit show on this past Saturday in Boston.  Johanna and I had decided to venture out to see the festivities and when I checked online I SWEAR that I read that the parade began at 10AM.  I was wrong.  So we got to the city around 930AM.  Overzealous would have been an understatement.  

First we got coffee at Starbucks because we thought the parade was about to begin.  After walking around for about an hour we realized this was not so and sat down for brunch at Aquataine.  I had hoped that at Aquataine I would be able to flirt and make eyes with the cook from the week before but he was nowhere in sight.  I was hoping to get Pride started off on the right foot but alas, it did not happen.

After brunch we pretty much walked up and down the street and back and forth looking for the best spot to stand and watch the parade.  We settled on a spot right in front of Fritz and it was a great spot, we were nestled in between a fun little bunch of beef-bear queens and we managed to keep our front row seats.

The parade died down and I assumed that it was over so we made our way to the block party that was budding behind us in the side street that ran in front of the bar.  While we were waiting in line to get into Fritz we realized that the parade was NOT over and we actually missed the most fun float of the entire parade.  It was the last float and it was playing music and everybody was following it and dancing in the streets behind it.  I wanted so badly to go join in but Johanna was already mad at me for making her pay the 10 to get into the block party that she gave the worst look when I even suggested it.

The actual block party, once it was underway, MORE than made up for the pride parade.  Tons of eye candy bustling about and it was fun...because I was drinking.  I tried not to let my frustration show for the sake of a good time, but it seemed like every guy I was attempting to flirt with would then turn to their boyfriend and introduce me to them as well.  One of the guys in particular, Keith, laughed and then caught me checking out somebody else.  He enthusiastically suggested I go talk to them as encouragement for hope but I declined.  "No, Keith, cause that's HIS boyfriend," pointing to the guy he was holding hands with, "You all have boyfriends, I'm OVER IT!".  Keith laughed.  I kept bumping into Keith throughout the ENTIRE time I was at the block party.  I probably saw him 5 or 6 times after that initial meeting.  It was as if I could not escape him.  After running into him so much I began to realize that he looked familiar.  Then I realized that he and I had spoken online a few times a while back and had planned on meeting for a date.  His schedule and mine had conflicted and he was rarely ever online to begin with so it never happened.  When he introduced me to his boyfriend I could tell that they were new and fresh and it made me very sad to think about missing out on my opportunity.  

That is how I feel all of the time.  All of the time I feel like I am one step behind when it comes to finding my man.  I know that these are extreme ways to think about it, but when it comes down to it, I am extreme.  

Overall the block party was a really good time.  There was dancing in the street, hot guys with their shirts off, and a lot of people in a really good mood.  It seemed as though people were in a lot better mood than they typically are on a day to day basis in Boston.  I had mentioned this to a friend beforehand about how interesting it is that for ONE weekend we call it PRIDE and everyone turns their bad attitudes into one of optimism and joy.  It seems like if we all did this more often we could promote more of a teamwork effort in our group and then at one point, who knows, maybe we could dictate legislation with the amount of power that would create.

I've got my Pride, and no one's gonna take it away...

Another Bill Bites the Dust...

Rat Race.  That is all this fucking is.  Being a grown up sure isn't what it is cracked up to be.  It seems like my stomach settles every time I send off another bill only to be upset again when the next one arrives.  It is scary living from paycheck to paycheck.  It is hard not to cave and ask dad for more money.  But I did it.  At least for this round of bills.  

I am in a very different place in life than I was in 2007.  That was my glory year.  That was the year that I was really succeeding at work and really getting paid for it by way of bonuses.  

This year.  Not so much.

It is not that I am NOT succeeding, because in my opinion, I definitely am.  This year (and last year) are different because they have set things up differently for me, to say the least, and so I am working without bonus.  A VERY IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON;  

Working without a bonus = NOT FUN!

I have friend that manages to put away $1000 a month of his paycheck.  I don't know how he does it.  Then again, there was a point in my life when I had another friend that was trying to help me figure out how to budget "enough" money to move out of my parents house.  When she asked me what my most recent check was it was close to being what she made for an entire month.  She freaked out at me saying "I just don't know how I would be able to afford it," when she herself owned a condo and had just bought a new car, on top of having (what I consider) a ton of money in savings and mutual funds etc.  So I am at that point again.  It is do or die.  Do I suck it up and figure out how to put this money aside?  Sink or swim.

I can't say that it helps working in a retail setting.  This only leaves me wanting more.  At any given point I could walk the store and pick out things I wanted to buy.  What is worse is that even after I did buy all of them there would still be a great many things left that I was still wanting.

Want is a dangerous thing.

Que Sera; Whatever Will Be...

when i was just a little girl i asked my mother "what will I be"?

How was she supposed to know?

My brother has a one year old.  The rest of my friends have new borns or six-month olds.  Fresh babies.  They have yet to experience the woes of this world.  It feels good, holding babies.  You connect with them, and for a split second you realize that you could be the one to help them feel less pain and sorrow.  Make a funny face, they smile.  Say something in baby talk, and they look at you in amazement.  Its simple.  And for only a quick moment you think back about what it was like to have no cares in the world.  We joke about babies and say that all they have to think about is eating, sleeping, and pooping, yet essentially, they don't have to worry about that either.  Parents (aka baby's personal assistant) puts the baby down when it is time to rest, or when the baby cries to let you know that it wants a break.  Babies don't even have to wipe their own butts, or even stand up to pee.  

Sheesh, they have it so easy.

She's Not Me, and She Never Will Be...

Conceited Much?  I really like myself a lot.  It is mind boggling to me that I am still single.  Many years of pain and struggle have gone towards bringing me up to this point in my life.  I have put some hard work into it so I don't consider it to be conceited of me to say things like "I am a catch"...I am.

My friends confirm it for me.  They are the ones that are brutally honest right?  They are the ones telling me that they are also baffled at why I am still single.  I am really happy.  Maybe that is the difference.  Most the people I know in relationships are not.  They are stressed or depressed.  It is as if all the stress that you have finding a relationship doesn't matter because once you find it you only get more stress.  Is he cheating?  Is he lying?  Does he really like me THAT much?  When will our relationship end?  

What is the point in getting into a relationship if these are the stressors that you will encounter?  It seems like more stress than before hand.  Now all I worry about is "Will I find  him, or will I not?"

I met up with a buddy of mine from High School Monday night.  He happened to be in town and I would not have even known except for seeing his status on facebook.  We chatted about what was going on in our lives, then we reflected on some of the people we went to high school with.  We talked about who we keep in touch with and it was interesting to find that in high school he seemed so connect with our "group" but in his maturity realized that our class was made up of MOSTLY douchebags.  I think that is something that happens for everybody after a few years away from high school to reflect.  You have time to meet people that you realize ARE cool.  You might realize yourself that you are REALLY cool yourself.  Then you think back to the way things were in high school and realize that no one was cool and they actually all sucked.  It is even more important what you do with your life after you graduate than what you did during your adolescent years.  Your adulthood makes or breaks your cool factor.

We laughed about it.  We agreed that there weren't THAT many people to really keep in touch with.  We talked about what it has been like to run into certain people and hear how they talk about their "careers".  He mentioned one douche-bag at large that actually pulled his blackberry out and boasted about his sales numbers.

Like I said before, I am really happy with the way I have turned out.  Even if I am broke as a motherfucker I am one happy broke bitch.

I Can't Sleep

It's 5AM.  I woke up at around 3, coughing in a fit.  It felt like it lasted over the span of a few hours but in fact was for 30 min straight.  By the time I finally rolled out of bed to try to do something about my horrendous coughing it was only 3:30.  

I am trying to decide if I have been hit hard by my allergies or if I have had a slight cold.  No body aches or fever so I would think allergies but it has never been a problem like this for me until now.  I remember going through a bit of the same thing last year, but this year it just seems much more awful, and much much worse!

Gay Pride is coming up this weekend in Boston and I am looking forward to it.  Typically all the fun Gay summer stuff seems to fall on weekends that I CANNOT be off from work because of prior engagements.  This weekend it comes exactly ONE WEEK before!  So I am trying to slip through the cracks and get a chance to finally enjoy it.  What saddens me, though, is to think about the idea that the weather will just plain suck.  They are predicting rain starting now and lasting throughout the entire weekend.  Not just light and scattered, but the shitty and depressing kind.

It would be ideal if Gay pride this year would warrant me finding a nice man to be able to cuddle up with on these aforementioned rainy days, yet, alas...I don't think it will happen.  

I am sick of listening to people say "when you least expect it".  I am sick of hearing that I shouldn't have such a shitty attitude about it.  The truth of the matter is this, I have had a MUCH better attitude about it than my friends who have recently found love and yet look at them, and now look at me.

If it wasn't a horrible cough waking me up way too early then it would be the thought of being alone that creeps inside of there every now and then.  

The funny thing about it.  With all the shit you hear people say about "when you least expect it" and "put your career first" and all the other blah blah blahs...I am there.  I am really enjoying my job right now and am excited about the things to come in the near future.  I am working out as best (and as much) as I can and I am happy with myself.  I am happy with the way I look.  More importantly, yet so often forgotten, I am MOST Happy with the person I have become over these last few years.  I am content.  It is a weird thing to think about because I think so many are scared to admit the truth concerning it but yeah, for now, I am content.  I told my buddy Mike that since meeting him and my friend Rich I have just felt less stressful about finding somebody else.  It is a nice feeling to know that you are surrounded by people who care about your well-being and want to hang out with you.

Good friends are much more worth the efforts than the pain and stress that dating brings.  

Hopefully the weather will clear by the weekend.   I am hoping to see clearly, now, when the rain is gone...

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun

I hate it when you get in to a discussion about what your favorite words are with someone else.  As opposed to the discussions you have about your favorite words with your self.  I hate to love mentioning it to someone else because its as if they just can't help but change your mind.

I might say, "I love the word 'manifestation' sounds," and then they would reply, "Oh yeah, and 'dichotomy' too!" then they give a little chuckle.  No, asshole, I don't love that word.  I love MY word.  The word that I used to begin our little conversation.  

If I were to mention that although 'conjunctivitis' is one of my favorite words, I do NOT however actually enjoy conjunctivitis, the other person might add, "Oh yeah, and what about YEAST!"

What do you mean..."what about yeast," asshole?  If I wanted to talk about yeast I would have led with the word.  But I didn't.  And now you have taken our conversation from bad to worse with your frail attempt at participation.  Yeast is not one of MY favorite words.  In fact, yeast is on my LEAST favorite word list.  I am so appalled by the word yeast, it makes me sick.  To think that something so great as the action of bread dough rising to be associated with the likes of a problematic female disease makes me so sad.  So no, I hate the word yeast, whereas you like it, and this conversation was about MY own personal list of favorite words.  Don't try to convince me to like the words from your list, cause I don't.

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun, Words can put you on the run...

Go Straight, Turn Gay

The road to life has many twists and turns.  When you are gay, they are more so sashays than they are twists, but hey, it makes life a bit more fun that way.

A little "Hey, Girl, Hey" every now and again never hurts anybody.  At worst it makes a few surrounding military men a little uneasy in their seats but so what?  

As much good as the gay population may or may not offer the greater likes of society I can't help but be more turned off by the bad, than I could be enlightened by the good.  Gay people suck, for the most part.  Once you really get to know them.  They are selfish and hateful.  As much as they seem to be asking the societal "norm" for love, acceptance, and judicial change, they really need to start within themselves to begin with.  And this is only a start.  Changing your internal affect is the foundation of the start to building up the big House of Gay.  

It hasn't always been this way.  For a while we were off and running.  Pioneers began our journey.  The likes of Rupaul, Elton John, George Michael, Madonna, and Harvey Milk to name a few.  We secretly muscled our way into the hearts of America, but once we got there it was a quick turn for the worse on our downward spiral.  

Even in the "short" (in comparison to my gay forefathers) time that I have been out I have seen much change from within my own subculture.  We are becoming reclusive and un-uniformed.  We are not in it to win it for the greater good of our ENTIRE group.  We have segmented off from one another with Gay Bears, Twinks, and Muscle Circuit "Boys" (granted they are 30-45 years old and only RECENTLY gotten the bodies they have always wanted).  If you didn't know any better, as a group divided, we sound like a run of Saturday morning cartoons!

In the 70's and 80's I am amazed at how loud our voice was, yet our groups were so small.  Nowadays it has changed.  Large groups, small voices.  We have all come WAY out of the closet but now what are we doing about it?  We are fighting for our right to party and yet we are going about it all wrong.  

Our subculture was built upon a foundation of lies, secrets, and promiscuous (and unprotected) sex.  That is just the cold, hard truth.  For centuries our culture has built their lives around the idea of sneaking around behind someone else's back.  Whether that person was your boss, your parents, or your wife, everyone did it.  So it is no surprise to me when in today's society our gay forefathers that grew up with this way of thinking are now teaching the younger gays all of their bad habits.  The secret is a thrill, and it brings to us much pleasure.  If we are not the seeker then we become the one being sought.  In turn we pass these habits on to the next guy and the next, until it becomes one endless battle.  Who will win?  They bad gay habits from the yesteryears or the new frontier of where the gay community would be best served?

All this talk about laws makes me sick.  I have found my place in a state that does recognize gay marriage.  What strikes me about this is that there is still endless amounts of infidelity among the LEGALLY married gay couples I have seen.  

It is disheartening when I realize things like these because finding out that I could get legally married in the current state I live in had really made me feel hopeful all over again.  Now that the only guys that seem to hit on my are in relationships (most of which that ARE actually bound by law), this little fact begins to loose its luster.  What is the point in getting married if I will have to worry about him cheating on me?  What is the point in getting in a relationship if at some point he will ask me if we can be "Open" (Non-sexual committed)?  All hope is lost when you realize that the goal that you are seeking doesn't hold as much power as you had originally intended for it to have.  

I posted a note on my facebook page that was something along the lines of:

"If gay people can't seem to figure out how to be married WITHOUT a law, why should they be allowed to WITH one? Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (The same goes for straighties too)

It was interesting to see that all of my straight friends seemed to really like it.  They were friends of the gays, I know that they are all comfortable with the "community".  They ones that really were bothered were these two silly queens that I USED to be friends with but realized that they were so sterotypically gay (and awful) that I just needed them out of my life.  One left a comment saying that I was "sterotyping my own community, and should not do that" then went on to mention "not all gay people are promiscuous and opposed to monogamy"  It was funny because the two that left comments were leaving them while they were on vacation at Gay Disney.  Historically when they close off Disney for the Gays, it is common knowledge that the only reason to go is because everyone is so horny that you can just have sex with anyone.   If you had to prove it wrong, just think, I mean, really?  How many times CAN you ride space mountain before it gets old?

So it was ironic to me that these two silly queens were the only ones really upset by this.  The other one that commented goes from boy to boy and lies to them to lead them on and make them think that he would have the audacity to actually settle down with them.  He makes each of them believe that they are the special guy that could actually make it happen, all the while laughing about how he had three at the same time he is currently talking to.  He does this in an attempt to appease his own insecurities and in doing so his character comes across quite accurately, which is clearly pathetic.

These two silly-fucks represent the greater gay population.  A large group of people who are saying out loud what they would LIKE for their goal to be ("We want to legally marry") because it sounds like a good idea, yet all the while they are host to events such as Gay Disney, they are taking their shirts off at night clubs, they are hating one another, and they are cheating on their lovers, friends, and their brothers-in-arms.  If they really wanted to be taken seriously they would work harder on their own relationships and they would realize that "Marriage" is more than legal recognition.  REALY marriage, whether it is recognized by the state or anybody else for that matter is when two people COMMIT to LOVE and CARE for one another.  They make a COMMITMENT to SUPPORT one another ENDLESSLY.  They COMMIT to the idea of TOUGHING IT OUT through the hard times, as opposed to saying "lets sleep together at night but fuck other people on the side".  REAL MARRIAGE is when they realize that they don't need the other people that are out there.  That is the only time that TWO people become ONE and as a result MARRIAGE is what can be born out of this realization.

On the road to life it is important to not lose focus, always carry a map, and if you happen to get lost, just remember these simple directions...go straight, turn gay ;-)