He follows my blogs regularly and if I had to guess out of all of my "followers" he is the most religious one. I am often impressed that he seems to remember the things I write about better than I have. I guess because to some extent as much as I enjoy writing, a lot of it is just used as therapy for me to get all of the crazy shit out of my head and onto the page, and as most of you know...I am still crazy.
Mike was asking me about how stressed I seem to be about finding a mate. Then he correlated that between my feelings of being so happy with myself and the person that I have become. He made the point that if I am so happy with myself then why am I letting something like finding a mate keep me from COMPLETE happiness? He asked if I thought I would ever get to a point when I was just happy without one.
It was actually a scary thought for me. It is important to figure it out, I guess, but it seems more fun (and a lot easier to deal with) to just never give thought to it.
What if I don't find a man? I need to hurry up and find complete happiness now.
When Mike was talking about the two things that seemed like separate entities it made me realize that I actually contradict myself. I am not happy with JUST myself. I am happy with who I am but I am lonely.
I have strived to be more okay with this in recent months/weeks. I am glad to have found friends like Mike and our other buddy Mike. I am starting to find some great friends that I work with also and I am just trying to stop looking outside to find my happiness when I can find reassurance from these great friends I have found. It was Pride weekend and I chose not to go out on Saturday night because I knew that spending the money to get into the club would not be worth the disappointment. I also realize that if I fear rejection and disappointment when I go out, then I should just not go out. So I am trying. I am trying to not go out as much because it only sets me up for failure. More importantly I have to realize that the guy I want to settle down with does not go out, so what makes me think I will find him while I am out?
This is my life, got to hold my head high, I've got my pride, and no one's gonna take it away
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