This kills me too. I can only pick up on it when I have too much to drink and then this poses another problem because I usually walk away from them without a cautious thought of a proposed date option. I'm over it. You should be so lucky as to be a fly on the wall when I am out and about on this one heck of a town.
Tonight I was at the gym. I was changing out of my gym clothes and getting ready to leave while the guy next to me was getting ready for his workout and just arriving to the gym. He kept glancing over at me, and I kept glancing back, I can't help it, I check out EVERYBODY. Then he seemed a little uneasy but I just suspected it to be the typical uneasiness that most straight guys get when I am staring them down. For the most part I won't care and I typically don't lose focus on my obvious gaze. That's the point. But with this dude I just kind of stopped. I was tired. I was hungry. What was the point anyway? Then when I was about to grab my bag and jet he turned to me and asked how late the gym stayed open. "Eleven," I told him, then I asked if he had just joined. He seemed nervous, looked down to tie his shoe laces and mumbled something about not usually coming at night. Whatever, I thought to myself. I moved on. It could have been quite possible that this was his way of trying to start up a conversation or not. That is what bothers me and makes me fear the whole idea. I am so scared of the "or not" that I don't ever try. It was already bold of me to go on by saying "Oh are you new here?" But that was as far as it could go.
I'm just a little chickenshit.
This one night I was at the Roxy. I was walking circles as I usually do in an attempt to act like Roxy isn't too dark and too loud to talk to ANYBODY, including the people you came with. At the end of the night I was getting ready to leave and I was standing next to the coat check line when this jacked up muscular guy with tats all down his arms was smirking at me. I smirked back. We had a witty exchange. I made him laugh. Then I just walked off. WTF? I don't even get me sometimes.
I think that another aspect of this social retarded functioning stems from my early years in the gay scene. I made quite a scene of my own in my adolescence so now I am so scared to act remotely the way I used to. That behavior has gotten me nowhere. To date I am still single and have actually NEVER had a real boyfriend (longer than 1 month). So what gives?
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Moving here has really helped me to cool my jets. I can't just find anybody to take home with me now because I set my standards higher. The problem here is that in the meantime of doing so I also managed to put on 20 lbs. I am now at my "heaviest" that I have ever been. I know that all of it is not fat. I am beefier now than I have ever been also. Yet I am up to 190. My goal weight is 165 but at this age and this weight I doubt that is possible without an entire bottle of hydroxycut and I don't believe in that sort of shit. I don't even believe in STRICT diets. So basically, I'm Fucked.
...but I want to be fair, just beat it!
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