Gay-Bay-Bay

I'm serious.  At the end of this year, I will turn in my gay card.  I give up.  I'm done trying to make the most of things.  I am tired of listening to all these stories about how when people were not looking they found it.  I am tired of seeing all of the mismatches in the world.  It makes me sick.  I am tired of getting hit on by guys that already have boyfriends, partners, or LEGAL husbands FOR THAT MATTER!

I am sick of old men hitting on me.  When I say old I mean over 40 and over 50.  I have a daddy.  I don't need another one.  I am sick of getting hit on by flaming queeny fags that arch their eyebrows and wear the slightest bit of foundation.  

Its hard to call it normal.  For so long gay people have yearned to be considered normal, just different instead of being the exact opposite of straight society.

I have a friend that keeps saying that other people tell him that he has a heterosexual mindset.  I keep wondering who these people are because in our best bud trio he is the only one who gives that suggestion validation.  It makes no sense to me to view matters in a straight vs. gay mentality.  When we do this we alienate ourselves from the "norm" and create a new (worse) stigma.  

This theory also pisses me off because of how many married couples I know that are not living this proposed "heterosexual mentality" out either.  They are not monogamous and they are unhappy.  

I randomly ran into two girl friends from my past at Dean and Deluca while I was home.  We had lunch together and they were asking me about my dating life (as everyone does when you are single and they are not).  I was telling them about my frustration with gay people when it comes to monogamy and relationships.  I mentioned my beliefs in not being totally for gay marriage because we are not leading by example as a people.  They agreed with that and went on to talk about how angry they get when they see other (straight) couples who claim to have what they have in marriage.  One of the girls said it angered her to think of people claiming marriage when they were not true to one another.  

It was assuring, though not so much comforting, to hear that straight monogamous (and REAL) couples feel the same way.  

I keep fantasizing that I will run into him at a coffee shop.  Or we will reach for the same DVD at blockbuster.  Maybe we will keep cracking a smile every time we pass one another in the isles at Trader Joe's.  We could strike up a conversation and decide to make dinner with one another.   His groceries would compliment mine and we would laugh that it had worked out in such a way.  It would be easy.  Seamless.  

But its not.  Dammit.  There is too much stress that goes into it.  I get stressed out in these situations because I often feel like there is too much riding on it.  What if he likes me.  What if he is just being kind.  What if he thinks that my gut is too big.  What if he has a BOYFRIEND.  What if he is married?  What if he is an asshole.

There is just a lot standing in the way of my grandiose dreams.  After all;

a dream is a wish your heart makes...