I am excited to embark on a new, and full year, in this new place of mine. I love it here. Although I miss my old friends I am excited for the new ones and possibilities. I get frustrated with myself sometimes because I feel as though I miss chances to experience new things here and there. I mostly mean when it comes to the men in my life. I am terrible at flirting and even worse when it comes to knowing who is flirting with me!
I seem to clam up around guys that are actually attractive and it has become an incredibly hard thing to deal with and leads me to regret many of my interactions. A guy came into the store on the first day of our big sale. He was the first customer of the day. Johanna had come down to my floor to help ring our presell and she witnessed the whole thing. It is easier when I am the only witness but when there are others around to rub it in my face that I missed out on an opportunity it makes it much harder. I felt as though we were somewhat flirting. Johanna made sure I knew that we were. He was cute. His name was Sal. But he lives in San Francisco so what would be the use anyway? I would like to make it out to California but I have not looked at San Francisco.
Then there was a guy last night. Ed. Mr. Ed. How cute would it be to date a gay dude named Ed? He was built. Young. Had a goofy smile. He seemed nervous when I first spoke with him. He lightened up a bit. I swear he kept asking to try on different jackets just so I could keep putting them on and taking them off of him. I didn't mind. As I finished ringing him up we continued our conversation. I asked what side of town he lived on. Without missing a beat he asked "what about you???" He seemed eager about it. He was enthusiastic to tell me that he lived in the North End. I mentioned the great restaurants there and he said he mostly just ate subs. He said he pretty much ate whatever was in front of him. This was a turn on to me. This is the point at which my memory goes cloudy and I forget how we ended things. I think that these cloudy instances are heightened anxiety levels that make me rush through the conversation to get it over with so that I don't have to get nervous any more. We were having a conversation and it ends abruptly. I gave him my card. I feel like when I say "If you ever need anything give me a call or email", that I am getting the point across. I am sending out the invitation. I would love to go into work today and have an email or voicemail from him. Guys my age aren't so inclined to do these things.
Every time I have an interaction like this I become obsessed with checking up on it on Craigslist. I never have posts on Craigslist. The only one that I have ever seen about me was from this married man at the gym that thought I was cute. He pulled up beside me in the parking lot while I was on the way to my car and tried to have a conversation with me. I told him that I thought his wife was expecting him. He didn't say much and pulled off pretty quickly. I don't know why that wasn't a clear indication of disinterest because like I said before after I got home I saw that he had posted an ad on Craigslist about it.
I keep getting offers from all the wrong men. I want guys my age to post these messages. I want guys my age to flirt with me. I don't want it to be so confusing and misleading.
Out in the Open...This new year I will plan on pursuing the things I want with a passionate intent. I plan on accomplishing a lot. I am going to really push to get into great shape. At least for this summer, so that I can strut around P-town in short shorts and a tank top and get looks from all the dirty old men that have boyfriends and wives.
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