In my head. When I am in that moment. I keep telling myself over and over things like "flirt with him more" "Smile more" "make better eye contact" "compliment him". I can't help it. It is the only things that go through my head. If I do not repeat these lines over and over again then I wind up insulting him or making him think I am full of myself because I SOUND too confident, even though I could admit to him aloud that I am SO INSECURE!
TWO EXAMPLES
One. When my parents came to visit they decided to help me get my vacuum cleaner fixed. Mostly because I was too lazy and cheap and so much that I did not bother taking it to the Oreck Store that I pass EVERY SINGLE DAY on my way to work. When we walked into the store my mouth almost dropped. There was this beefy muscled arabic looking guy working there. Wearing a polo that was not tight, but just tight enough, if you know what i mean. The kind that looked as though his biceps were exploding out of it, but you couldn't tell if it was fat or muscle until he moved around in it and you realized that it. Was clearly. Muscle. WHEW!
So he smiled REALLY big as I walked in. It threw me. He fixed that vacuum cleaner quickly. Charged my dad for the repair and we were on our way.
I get home. It works once. Then broken again.
I take it back. He wasn't there. I leave it. Two weeks go by, no phone call so I walked in this morning to check on it. He was there.
He smiled really big at me as I walked in and I walked in and said hello and began to explain why I was there, but paused and said "Do you remember me?"
"Yes, of course I remember you" He said, and smiled from ear to ear.
I was almost so thrown off by this that I couldn't even bother trying to flirt. That is how shocking it was that this beefy arab dude was flirting with me, if that was even it.
So I tell him no phone call and he goes to check on it. He finds my vacuum with no notes or anything and says that this is why he could not fix it b/c he did not know what was wrong. He says to wait and that he will fix it. In the store it is only me, him and one other dude. The other dude looks as if he is in the process of packing his car to leave, and I begin to pray that he is. What a perfect situation this will be when this little asshole leaves us alone in the store.
He leaves. The Arab comes out. Vacuum fixed. He tells me. He then goes on to say that he is supposed to charge but will not charge me. He smiles more. I shake his hand and thank him 3 times in three different ways to say it. I pause slightly. But realize I have nothing else to say and thanks and a fourth handshake would just be odd at this point. I turn to leave and he says "You can test it out here first if you want" So I oblige.
I am careful as I make my way to the plug in the wall. I know that on this particular morning I am wearing sexy underwear and low rise jeans and that if there is any Bend - and - Snap action, a waistband underoo shot is on the horizon. I take my type to plug it in, and use my peripheral on the way up to see if he is checking. He is not. It is weird. I can't tell if he is being nervous, or a gentleman. Or if, in fact I am making this all up in my head. I thank him again. I am on the verge of saying "how can I pay you back?" But sanity prohibits me from doing so.
I leave. Big smiles exhanged. I had tried to have a conversation with him, but a conversation does not exist that is 5 minutes long and leads to "Boys or girls?"
I leave toying with the idea of calling him and thanking him over the phone and admitting that I feel bad, which would hopefully give him the chance to say "if you feel bad then but me a drink". Looking back I could have acted like I had not JUST gone to Starbucks and offered to get him a coffee or something.
Two. This customer came in one night looking for a suit. It was an average beginning. you could tell that he was repulsed by salespeople. I weaseled my way in. Admitted to him that our prices were higher than Macy's but then admitted that we match and are never undersold. I told him about the competitive sales that we had going on and he left very happy. He came back later and bought the suit we had looked at. Then he came back for the alterations later. He seemed more comfortable with me this time (did I mention that he had a stutter?) The first time he had been with his father. This time he was on his own and seemed more comfortable in his own skin.
This is why it is harder being gay. Unless I meet whores and pig-daddies out at gay clubs, bars, and bathrooms, then I partake in a mindboggling guessing game of who's outta da closet.
I am rarely ever a winner.
But I thank myself for playing.
Nonetheless he is more comfortable. I find his stutter increasingly more attractive. If you talk to close friends of mine the would admit to you that I have made it my life's work to find people that are uncomfortable in this world, and to put them at ease. I have made a career out of calming people down, as well as turning bad days into good. So the fact that he has a stutter, which becomes his verbal rating scale of his comfort level when working with me, definitely has begun to turn me on. He stutters less and less the more we interact. In person. on the phone. I love it.
He came in to pick up his finished suit. He tried it on. I tried to act professional as I tugged at the waist to "make sure" that it fit appropriately. Then we figured out that he needed a new belt. When he tried it on he put it around his stomach and I made him put it through the real belt loops. ((For the record - you can never tell unless you do)). When he lifted his shirt I saw his "happy trail" and as low as his 2 sizes too big pants were hanging it appeared to be closer to his "treasure trail" instead. I joked with him about how big his pants were. Made him get new ones. He laughed. I loved his laugh. I can't stop thinking about him. This would be the kind of guy I would want to go on a date with. If we were in high school together I feel like he would wear those coke-bottle glasses with the tape in the middle, and I would swoon.
I tried to have a conversation with him (again, I am a soc-tard when it comes to this). I talked about wear he lives ((which is the up and coming gay area of town)) I mentioned that my friend lived there and made me go to a sports bar ((giving an opportunity to him, which he took)) and he mentioned that he wouldn't be going to a sports bar.
Okay, Okay, I thought to myself, now we are getting somewhere.
I didn't want this banter to end so I sold him something else that he would have to come back and get later. This would give me another visit at a later date, and enable me to call him again as a reminder. During our earlier conversations I had mentioned to him that I had thought of moving to the area that he was living in cause of friends there, so as he left I casually mentioned, "Yeah, and maybe if I move over that way I will see you around".
I feel like I was beating it into his head. My lack of subtly was deliberate. But I am not quite sure he took the bait. It is almost harder to tell up here in the New England area if gay or straight. All these smarty pant nerd boys from MIT and Harvard are not making the debate any easier.
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