His name was Gary. I saw him on my very first day at college. I was attending Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina and my parents had literally JUST LEFT after dropping me off with all of my personal belongings. I was scheduled to live in "Frank" dormitory and they head RA had called an all dorm meeting in the lobby. Only the freshman had arrived at this point, hence having something so dramatic as an all dorm meeting in order to talk about the rules and regulations (or lack, thereof) of dorm living.
We all crowded into the compact lobby of the building. I was edged with the only friend I knew from High school in the middle of the elevators. I remember it like it was yesterday. As soon as I sat down I saw him from across the crowd. He was opposite of me, standing in the doorway to the back patio. He was WAY too cool to be sitting down on the floor with his legs crossed so instead he was standing outside smoking a cigarette. Of course, at the time, this seemed cool. I had just abandoned my parental influence and was now setting my sites on the future evil endeavors that I would begin to embark on in the next few years. This would otherwise be known as "My Adolescence". Gary wore a tie dyed shirt, with khaki cargo shorts, birkenstocks (we were in Appalachia) and a bandana on his head. I thought, at the time, that he was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. He was tall and thin, and had an olive complexion. When he laughed, his smile was the sexiest thing about him.
I made it my mission to stalk him.
When I saw him walking back to the dorm from class I would speed up so that he would have to hold the door for me as I closed in close behind him. "Oh! Thanks a lot!" I would say. I had no clue what I was doing at the time. Keep in mind, I was in the closet Freshman year. So this feeling of having a crush on a guy was really new for me. I had always thought about other men in that way leading up to this point. But this had been mostly fantasies of the images I had seen in media or from online. This image. Was real. It was living in the same building as me and could actually talk and smile at me. It was a face, with a name. It was also completely frightening.
The first weekend away from my parents was the start of me living out loud (aka the start of a 1.61 GPA during my first semester). I found a guy to sell me some pot but had forgotten the smallest detail. I had no clue how to roll a joint, even if I HAD papers, and I did not have my own bowl. That first weekend while riding the elevator I ran into a guy that had been in my freshman orientation group. He, of course, was a pothead (everybody in Boone is a pothead at least for freshman year, most make a career of it). He offered to let me use his bowl as long as I smoked him up so I agreed. When we got to his room it was very "earthy". If it was a bumper sticker it would say something like "Hippie's on Board" or "Ass, Gas, or Grass...Nobody rides for Free". There were tie dyed tapestries, empty bottles of NewCastle, remnants of burned incense and the leftover aroma's of patchouli and weed. As he looked for his bowl under mounds of dirty mildewy smelling clothes his roommate walked into the room. It was Gary. In a towel. he had just come back from the shower. When he couldn't find the bowl in his room, he remembered that he had left it in a buddies room down the hall. He left to go get it, and left me in the room with Gary. It was the first actual conversation that Gary and I had ever had. I can't for the life of me remember what we talked about because I just remember that he was in a towel. I remember that he got onto his computer and had a webcam. I remember trying to see what was on the screen and feeling as though I saw myself in the video screen of the cam. I tried to imagine that he was taking a picture of me because he had thought I was cute but I never found out what really happened or if I had made it all up. I can remember however, that during our conversation Gary seemed so confident and happy with himself. I on the other hand was nervous and unsure. Gary represented what it was like to live without care. He showed me what it was like to be out, and content.
I later found out through the grapevine that Gary considered himself Bisexual (at the time everyone did, it was very 2000). His roommate, from my orientation group, was his best friend from high school. I was fascinated at the idea that Gary was out of the closet and his best friend had not held judgement for it. It also seemed as though Gary had a group of people that surrounded him with love and care and did not judge him solely based on sexual orientation.
Aside from all this, my crush on Gary lasted all year. I would continue to "strategically" position myself in Gary's immediate direction, and yet consequently enough, nothing ever happened. The first semester I spent with my friend Nicolette. We would walk around campus talking about how much we missed Charlotte, and thought everyone was talking about us, when in fact, nobody was. Nicolette was probably one of the first people who I was ever out to, without, being out to. If it makes any sense. Which, to you, it probably does not. Nicolette and I had an unspoken trust and bond where we did not judge one another and we were pretty open about most things. I trusted her to know about that private part of my life, but without actually being out to her. She defended me a lot that first semester. This is probably what made or friendship strong from the beginning.
One night I convinced Nicolette to help me stalk out Gary. She went along with it without question. There was no asking "Why do you care so much?" or "What is your fascination with Gary". It was as if she already knew and just silently supported my habit.
We saw him on his way into the dorm. Said hello, and carried a conversation. He said he needed help carrying beer to his room so we helped. When we got to his dorm room I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I would have been too nervous and scared for Nicolette to leave us alone together but I can't help but feel as though I wish I could know what it would have been like. Gary gave us a beer for helping and mentioned that he was in a hurry. I took the time to notice his cologne because I thought that he not only looked sexy, but reeked of it as well. "Modern" by Banana Republic. I will remember it until the day I die. I went and bought a bottle soon after because I wanted that smell near me at all times. I was obsessed. This was another thing that was sexy about Gary. He was not only a hippie, but could clean up really nicely as well. He was on student government and would wear pressed khaki's and lightly starched shirts to meetings at night time, and then wear his bandana throughout the day.
He drove a car with deeply tinted windows, which to me reminded me of all the thugs I had a secret crush on in high school, but to Gary was probably so that campus police would not notice that he was smoking up in his car.
The end of freshman year is the time that I began to come out of the closet. For the most part that basically meant just saying it out loud, because most everyone that knew me had figured and come to terms with that fact long before I ever did. I spent the summer becoming comfortable in my own skin and kept dreaming of the day that I would return to campus and run into Gary, Out, Proud, and New.
One night at the gay club in Charlotte I had been hoping to run into him all summer long and it had never happened until this night. A lot of friends from my high school had shown up to go out that night and I remember them all being there. It was not until the Drag Show began that I noticed Gary in the crowd. I began to freak out. The drag queen pulled him out on stage and took his shirt off. I was dying. I went up to him afterwards and told him my news. It did not provoke the reaction I had hoped for and by all means lacked the enthusiasm that I had thought would follow after making such a grandiose declaration. His follow up to my confession was an introduction to his boyfriend, Chad. Chad. Was ugly.
I spent sophomore year saying hello to Gary in front of Chad all over campus. Chad would give me dirty looks and I would smile bigger at Gary and try to make him jealous. Ideally I had hoped that Gary would hop on the beauty train and take a ride with me since I was so much more attractive than Chad, but alas, this never happened. I watched throughout sophomore year as Gary lost more weight. He had always been thin before but he REALLY began to slim down. I soon found out that typically the people who make a career out of being potheads during freshman year decide to get promoted to more recreational endeavors as the years pass.
Cut to me being at a Gay Club in Winston Salem watching from afar as Gary turned purple and green then threw up on the ground on the patio outside of the club. He was sitting at a table with Chad and a friend. Gary's two friends did not notice or see this happen. I watched the entire thing unfold before my eyes and could not have felt more sorry for Gary. It was one of the saddest things that I have ever seen, and needless to say it ended my long running crush on Gary.
I realized that all he had ever been, was a representation of something I was after. When I look back on it I laugh because even though I have a great many type of interests when it comes to the man department, Gary is far from placing into any of my categories.
It was just...a little crush.
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