She's Not Me, and She Never Will Be...

Conceited Much?  I really like myself a lot.  It is mind boggling to me that I am still single.  Many years of pain and struggle have gone towards bringing me up to this point in my life.  I have put some hard work into it so I don't consider it to be conceited of me to say things like "I am a catch"...I am.

My friends confirm it for me.  They are the ones that are brutally honest right?  They are the ones telling me that they are also baffled at why I am still single.  I am really happy.  Maybe that is the difference.  Most the people I know in relationships are not.  They are stressed or depressed.  It is as if all the stress that you have finding a relationship doesn't matter because once you find it you only get more stress.  Is he cheating?  Is he lying?  Does he really like me THAT much?  When will our relationship end?  

What is the point in getting into a relationship if these are the stressors that you will encounter?  It seems like more stress than before hand.  Now all I worry about is "Will I find  him, or will I not?"

I met up with a buddy of mine from High School Monday night.  He happened to be in town and I would not have even known except for seeing his status on facebook.  We chatted about what was going on in our lives, then we reflected on some of the people we went to high school with.  We talked about who we keep in touch with and it was interesting to find that in high school he seemed so connect with our "group" but in his maturity realized that our class was made up of MOSTLY douchebags.  I think that is something that happens for everybody after a few years away from high school to reflect.  You have time to meet people that you realize ARE cool.  You might realize yourself that you are REALLY cool yourself.  Then you think back to the way things were in high school and realize that no one was cool and they actually all sucked.  It is even more important what you do with your life after you graduate than what you did during your adolescent years.  Your adulthood makes or breaks your cool factor.

We laughed about it.  We agreed that there weren't THAT many people to really keep in touch with.  We talked about what it has been like to run into certain people and hear how they talk about their "careers".  He mentioned one douche-bag at large that actually pulled his blackberry out and boasted about his sales numbers.

Like I said before, I am really happy with the way I have turned out.  Even if I am broke as a motherfucker I am one happy broke bitch.

I Can't Sleep

It's 5AM.  I woke up at around 3, coughing in a fit.  It felt like it lasted over the span of a few hours but in fact was for 30 min straight.  By the time I finally rolled out of bed to try to do something about my horrendous coughing it was only 3:30.  

I am trying to decide if I have been hit hard by my allergies or if I have had a slight cold.  No body aches or fever so I would think allergies but it has never been a problem like this for me until now.  I remember going through a bit of the same thing last year, but this year it just seems much more awful, and much much worse!

Gay Pride is coming up this weekend in Boston and I am looking forward to it.  Typically all the fun Gay summer stuff seems to fall on weekends that I CANNOT be off from work because of prior engagements.  This weekend it comes exactly ONE WEEK before!  So I am trying to slip through the cracks and get a chance to finally enjoy it.  What saddens me, though, is to think about the idea that the weather will just plain suck.  They are predicting rain starting now and lasting throughout the entire weekend.  Not just light and scattered, but the shitty and depressing kind.

It would be ideal if Gay pride this year would warrant me finding a nice man to be able to cuddle up with on these aforementioned rainy days, yet, alas...I don't think it will happen.  

I am sick of listening to people say "when you least expect it".  I am sick of hearing that I shouldn't have such a shitty attitude about it.  The truth of the matter is this, I have had a MUCH better attitude about it than my friends who have recently found love and yet look at them, and now look at me.

If it wasn't a horrible cough waking me up way too early then it would be the thought of being alone that creeps inside of there every now and then.  

The funny thing about it.  With all the shit you hear people say about "when you least expect it" and "put your career first" and all the other blah blah blahs...I am there.  I am really enjoying my job right now and am excited about the things to come in the near future.  I am working out as best (and as much) as I can and I am happy with myself.  I am happy with the way I look.  More importantly, yet so often forgotten, I am MOST Happy with the person I have become over these last few years.  I am content.  It is a weird thing to think about because I think so many are scared to admit the truth concerning it but yeah, for now, I am content.  I told my buddy Mike that since meeting him and my friend Rich I have just felt less stressful about finding somebody else.  It is a nice feeling to know that you are surrounded by people who care about your well-being and want to hang out with you.

Good friends are much more worth the efforts than the pain and stress that dating brings.  

Hopefully the weather will clear by the weekend.   I am hoping to see clearly, now, when the rain is gone...

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun

I hate it when you get in to a discussion about what your favorite words are with someone else.  As opposed to the discussions you have about your favorite words with your self.  I hate to love mentioning it to someone else because its as if they just can't help but change your mind.

I might say, "I love the word 'manifestation' sounds," and then they would reply, "Oh yeah, and 'dichotomy' too!" then they give a little chuckle.  No, asshole, I don't love that word.  I love MY word.  The word that I used to begin our little conversation.  

If I were to mention that although 'conjunctivitis' is one of my favorite words, I do NOT however actually enjoy conjunctivitis, the other person might add, "Oh yeah, and what about YEAST!"

What do you mean..."what about yeast," asshole?  If I wanted to talk about yeast I would have led with the word.  But I didn't.  And now you have taken our conversation from bad to worse with your frail attempt at participation.  Yeast is not one of MY favorite words.  In fact, yeast is on my LEAST favorite word list.  I am so appalled by the word yeast, it makes me sick.  To think that something so great as the action of bread dough rising to be associated with the likes of a problematic female disease makes me so sad.  So no, I hate the word yeast, whereas you like it, and this conversation was about MY own personal list of favorite words.  Don't try to convince me to like the words from your list, cause I don't.

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun, Words can put you on the run...

Go Straight, Turn Gay

The road to life has many twists and turns.  When you are gay, they are more so sashays than they are twists, but hey, it makes life a bit more fun that way.

A little "Hey, Girl, Hey" every now and again never hurts anybody.  At worst it makes a few surrounding military men a little uneasy in their seats but so what?  

As much good as the gay population may or may not offer the greater likes of society I can't help but be more turned off by the bad, than I could be enlightened by the good.  Gay people suck, for the most part.  Once you really get to know them.  They are selfish and hateful.  As much as they seem to be asking the societal "norm" for love, acceptance, and judicial change, they really need to start within themselves to begin with.  And this is only a start.  Changing your internal affect is the foundation of the start to building up the big House of Gay.  

It hasn't always been this way.  For a while we were off and running.  Pioneers began our journey.  The likes of Rupaul, Elton John, George Michael, Madonna, and Harvey Milk to name a few.  We secretly muscled our way into the hearts of America, but once we got there it was a quick turn for the worse on our downward spiral.  

Even in the "short" (in comparison to my gay forefathers) time that I have been out I have seen much change from within my own subculture.  We are becoming reclusive and un-uniformed.  We are not in it to win it for the greater good of our ENTIRE group.  We have segmented off from one another with Gay Bears, Twinks, and Muscle Circuit "Boys" (granted they are 30-45 years old and only RECENTLY gotten the bodies they have always wanted).  If you didn't know any better, as a group divided, we sound like a run of Saturday morning cartoons!

In the 70's and 80's I am amazed at how loud our voice was, yet our groups were so small.  Nowadays it has changed.  Large groups, small voices.  We have all come WAY out of the closet but now what are we doing about it?  We are fighting for our right to party and yet we are going about it all wrong.  

Our subculture was built upon a foundation of lies, secrets, and promiscuous (and unprotected) sex.  That is just the cold, hard truth.  For centuries our culture has built their lives around the idea of sneaking around behind someone else's back.  Whether that person was your boss, your parents, or your wife, everyone did it.  So it is no surprise to me when in today's society our gay forefathers that grew up with this way of thinking are now teaching the younger gays all of their bad habits.  The secret is a thrill, and it brings to us much pleasure.  If we are not the seeker then we become the one being sought.  In turn we pass these habits on to the next guy and the next, until it becomes one endless battle.  Who will win?  They bad gay habits from the yesteryears or the new frontier of where the gay community would be best served?

All this talk about laws makes me sick.  I have found my place in a state that does recognize gay marriage.  What strikes me about this is that there is still endless amounts of infidelity among the LEGALLY married gay couples I have seen.  

It is disheartening when I realize things like these because finding out that I could get legally married in the current state I live in had really made me feel hopeful all over again.  Now that the only guys that seem to hit on my are in relationships (most of which that ARE actually bound by law), this little fact begins to loose its luster.  What is the point in getting married if I will have to worry about him cheating on me?  What is the point in getting in a relationship if at some point he will ask me if we can be "Open" (Non-sexual committed)?  All hope is lost when you realize that the goal that you are seeking doesn't hold as much power as you had originally intended for it to have.  

I posted a note on my facebook page that was something along the lines of:

"If gay people can't seem to figure out how to be married WITHOUT a law, why should they be allowed to WITH one? Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (The same goes for straighties too)

It was interesting to see that all of my straight friends seemed to really like it.  They were friends of the gays, I know that they are all comfortable with the "community".  They ones that really were bothered were these two silly queens that I USED to be friends with but realized that they were so sterotypically gay (and awful) that I just needed them out of my life.  One left a comment saying that I was "sterotyping my own community, and should not do that" then went on to mention "not all gay people are promiscuous and opposed to monogamy"  It was funny because the two that left comments were leaving them while they were on vacation at Gay Disney.  Historically when they close off Disney for the Gays, it is common knowledge that the only reason to go is because everyone is so horny that you can just have sex with anyone.   If you had to prove it wrong, just think, I mean, really?  How many times CAN you ride space mountain before it gets old?

So it was ironic to me that these two silly queens were the only ones really upset by this.  The other one that commented goes from boy to boy and lies to them to lead them on and make them think that he would have the audacity to actually settle down with them.  He makes each of them believe that they are the special guy that could actually make it happen, all the while laughing about how he had three at the same time he is currently talking to.  He does this in an attempt to appease his own insecurities and in doing so his character comes across quite accurately, which is clearly pathetic.

These two silly-fucks represent the greater gay population.  A large group of people who are saying out loud what they would LIKE for their goal to be ("We want to legally marry") because it sounds like a good idea, yet all the while they are host to events such as Gay Disney, they are taking their shirts off at night clubs, they are hating one another, and they are cheating on their lovers, friends, and their brothers-in-arms.  If they really wanted to be taken seriously they would work harder on their own relationships and they would realize that "Marriage" is more than legal recognition.  REALY marriage, whether it is recognized by the state or anybody else for that matter is when two people COMMIT to LOVE and CARE for one another.  They make a COMMITMENT to SUPPORT one another ENDLESSLY.  They COMMIT to the idea of TOUGHING IT OUT through the hard times, as opposed to saying "lets sleep together at night but fuck other people on the side".  REAL MARRIAGE is when they realize that they don't need the other people that are out there.  That is the only time that TWO people become ONE and as a result MARRIAGE is what can be born out of this realization.

On the road to life it is important to not lose focus, always carry a map, and if you happen to get lost, just remember these simple directions...go straight, turn gay ;-)

In My Head

My friend Kelly pointed out that my catch phrase is "In my Head..."  

I personally love to tell stories about how I was doing something and then I thought, "In my head...(was what I was thinking)," as I tell the story.  Its my thing.  It is part of why I write a blog.  Everybody loves it.  But now Kelly has pointed it out to me.  So every time I talk from here on out I notice it and it bugs me.  Kelly is an evil, catch phrase pointer outer and she will get what is coming to her in the end.  

She pointed out that this girl we work with, Sarah, always says "Perfect!" This is Sarah's confirmation.  It sometimes affirms that she is listening to you or it acknowledges that she heard and understands what you are saying and that you can move on from the conversation.  It is harmless.  When Kelly pointed it out to begin with it was all fun and games making fun of Sarah for doing this, yet NOW the tables have turned.  Now Kelly has used her evil notice-everything powers to figure out the root of my well-being that is my catch phrase, "In My Head"

What makes it worse is that Kelly's thick Boston accent does a HORRIBLE job at recreating my delectable southern drawl.  So when she mocks me she says "EYEN MAY-EH HAY-EHD" which send chills up and down my spine.

I am dying to say something to Kelly but in my head I can't possibly imagine how that will go.

My Roommate Brought all the Boys to the Yard

I had a roommate.  Not my current one.  The one from last year.  She was awful.  

Moving here was an experience in and of itself; so when a roommate opportunity arose from the pool of managers that I work with I jumped at it.  She seemed alright at first, fun, flirty, long model legs and whatnot.  They always seem right  from the start.  As the days counted down leading up to the move-in I repeatedly asked her if she would be able to afford it.  "Not to worry," she would tell me.  At that point our friendship was just a bud and I believed her.  The uneasiness came when she was not the brightest at the difference in the information she told her roommate from the information that she told her friend.  The problem being that the two were synonomous.  I was a friend, but now we were embarking on another journey down the road towards roommate hell.  

She lived in my apartment for a total of three months.  Out of the three months she was late with her rent every single time, and paid it in FULL only ONCE!  Most of the payments she gave to me in installments.  This was awful.  "I have to make my car payment this week so they don't reposes my car, blah blah, and so on..."

Despite the financial agreement, or lack thereof, between us, we began to grow close.  It was hard for me to move to a place where I knew NO ONE and try my hardest to trust ANY ONE.  So with this girl, I thought I could.  We shared conversations with one another about our childhoods, being made fun of and blossoming later in life.  We confided in one another about our deepest thoughts and fears, and a trust began to form.  There was one night in particular, it was one of the very last before the news, when we decided to have a special roommates night out on the town with one another.  I remember that the weather was warm that night and we sat on a brick wall right outside of Copley Mall after a long night of talking and walking about the city.  We confessed our growing love for one another as friends, yet secretly I always felt like this relationship was on the brink of disaster.  

She went away one weekend, with her ex boyfriend who hit and verbally abused her before they had originally broken up.  (Let the record show that this was NOT the main reason, or any reason for that matter why they had broken up to begin with).  Throughout their 3-4 month break up she slept with pretty much every single guy that she met.  She made me feel much better about my own behavior because this was what a slut truly was.  Her pathetic ex-boyfriend pursued her aggressively throughout those 3-4 months.  He would call.  He would email.  He sent her flowers while she was at work.  I tried to encourage her to be strong but before I knew it she was smiling at his phone calls once again.  He invited her to go away with him to NYC for the weekend and she asked if I could be at the apartment to show her couches that she had posted on Craigslist.  It was no big deal to me, plus she had mentioned that the money would be used to pay for her portion of rent.  So I figured it was in my best interest to help out.  

When the Craig's Listers arrived they immediately asked me where my roommate was moving.  I was flabbergasted and on the spot said, "Oh, just right up the street."  

I had no clue that she had thought about moving.  She had not mentioned anything to me about doing so.  We had talked about how neither of us had any money.  We had talked about how scary it was to be grown adults that could not support themselves.  The difference was that I survived the year.  She did not.  She gave up.  

After they left I sent my roommate a txt asking where she was moving.

"Chicago"  was her reply.

I asked if she had told anybody at work yet.

"Why?" was her reply.

I was over it.  

The next night on her way back from NYC she mentioned to me that she would need for me to let her in because she left her apartment key in the car of the guy that she had been fucking the week before her pathetic ex-boyfriend picked her up to go away.  She said she would get in around 11pm but as the time passed it turned out to be 2am.  

I stayed up instead of attempting to fall asleep, wake up, and let them in and then try to get back to bed.  She was smiling, smirking and giggling when I let them in the building.  I was over her.

The next morning I showered and left before she had time to confirm that I was giving her a ride to work.  I knew that she didn't have her car and we had an event at work that we had to be there for and I purposefully did not want to help her in any way.  When she finally arrived at work she paged me and asked if she could talk to me.  Then she made a big production of her story about how this pathetic boyfriend had come crawling back.  In three months he had changed from the angry and abusive control freak into the kind of man she had always wanted.  I guess when you are out and about fucking the entire world it is harder to speak up for yourself when you ought to realize that you deserve better.  

She told me that she would sell the rest of her furniture and give the money to me to help me with rent.  She did no such thing.  Instead she gave me the number of that guy she had been fucking and told me to work it out with him.  When I contacted him about it he told me that she owed him $150 for the moving van that he had used to move it out of her old apartment and that he would not give it to me until he got his money.  Not only did she fuck me over this way, but had also rented a movie with my Hollywood Video account to watch with that guy and after asking and asking over and over if she had taken it back or not, I found out while in the checkout line and they told me I owed them $50.  

The biggest fuck-over of all in the situation is that she left one week before August rent was due not giving me any money to help me out.  When she told me that she was leaving the ONLY thing I asked of her was to have her furniture out of that guys place and into my own apartment so that I could easily sell it.  She couldn't even manage to do that, on top of fucking me over in more ways than one.  

If all this wasn't bad enough.  And as if we couldn't just move on from it and acknowledge that the whole situation just sucked one big giant dick, she insisted on texting and calling me for the next few weeks saying "I miss you" "Just arrived in NC" "Hope you are doing okay".  After I ignored all of these and never returned any of her phone calls she sends me this 6 txt screen long txt saying that she can't believe that I would end our "friendship" over money.  

I didn't reply to that one either.  

The great thing about moving to a place where you have no connections...is having no connections.  When stupid fucks like this come into your life and try to bring you down you can get rid of them on a whim.  

I would like to walk away from it saying that I learned a valuable lesson but truth be told, I hated the person I was when I was around her.  I started smoking again, I went out more often than I wanted to, and I wasn't the type of employee that I pride myself on being at work at the time.  She was an awful influence and that is why she got cut loose.  One of the last nights in the apartment together, after I had received the bad news and knew exactly what was coming, she came home with a bag from CVS.  She took out one of her purchases and it was a bottle of Pre-Natal vitamins.  I asked if she was pregnant and she said that she didn't know yet.  

All in all, who knows who the father is.  I hope the baby doesn't have to look up to two pathetic role models, instead of just the one.

Your Touch is so Magic to me...

The strangest things can happen...

It's been such a long time since I had real full-on CONTACT with another human being.  That is my G-Rated version of how I would actually prefer to express myself.  But with the knowledge that any day now my loving parents may grace my blog site with their presence I am beginning to edit (ever-so-slightly) my stories here.  But don't fret...there are many tales to still be told.  

They say that curiosity killed the cat, but then again, cats have nine fucking lives.

I made profiles again.  On "those-sites-whose-names-not-be-spoken" out of my raging curiosity.  I can't stand not knowing if I am missing out on something great.  As it turns out; 2 hours (and counting) of being logged on is telling me I am not.  

In that time span I have had 2 people shut me down once they saw my pictures.  I have received one angry email after deleting the first one (indicating my lack of interest to begin with).  I am out $30 because it is the only way it is actually worth being on the site anyhow, and now I am no better off than when I was forced to ONLY write on my blog (which didn't encourage, or stimulate me as much as actually having access to the sites has obviously turned out to give me).

After getting 3 and a half (IF THAT) hours of sleep last night and after working (no exaggeration) from 9AM to 9PM ((twas a GREAT day at work for me btw)) I am TOTALLY WORN OUT!  But when I got home I couldn't help but feel so inspired as to venture out on the town.  The tiresome woes got the best of me and after a 45 minute hot shower against my back I opted to stay home instead.  A little wave of depression always falls over me instantly when I realize that I am staying in, yet again (and alone).  I always wonder what I am missing.  I always think of who I may meet if I were to muster up the strength to wander out and about on this town and yet the funny thing is that I already know the answer.  I would throw myself upon this one and that one, and yet when I got home that night I would get that same overwhelming sadness either way.  

That episode of Sex and the City plays out in my head OVER AND OVER again...when Charlotte expresses her frustration, "WHERE IS HE?"  She talks about how frustrated she is because she has been the one of all the girls that has so actively sought after a relationship and yet for whatever reasons (Trey's limp dick) has NOT found them.

WHERE IS HE!!!!