Yeah. I'm one of those.
I currently belong to 4 major male-4-male "dating" sites and as of now I am MOSTLY just looking to date. The frustrating part about it is that I moved to a WAY larger city and area (the surrounding suburbs) and yet I can barely find anyone that actually wants to meet face to face, whether that be for a drink, dinner, or whatever else.
Lately, though, it seems like the guys that I do finally meet up with are barely interested in me in person. We seem to have great conversations on the phone or online and then when we meet it is all downhill. I feel as though it must be based on my physical appearance. I have put on a few pounds since moving to the north. I went from 175 to 185 and am holding solid, despite my efforts at the gym. I am trying so hard to do as much cardio as possible but the problem that turns my battle into a round-a-bout circle is that it is depressing. I want to date somebody. I want somebody to love. I want to find a guy that wants to do stupid meaningless tasks and activities all the time and only wants to do them with me.
I have this feeling, that I am a catch. Granted it springs from what my girlfriends (and mother) tell me but other than that I am an attractive guy. I have "blossomed" from my days in high school and I know it. I am currently, by far, one of the MOST HANDSOME guys in my graduating class. Actually, when I think about it, I don't find many of them attractive at ALL anymore. So why, then, out of a class of 350, can I not swing a date now and then?
I used to think it was my overbearing personality, but since the move I have really calmed down. I think I still tend to get a little anxious ( and slightly overbearing) on the first couple instances, but that is because for me, every time, there is so much riding on this one FIRST DATE.
I guess I put all the eggs in one basket, and I always count chickens before they are actually hatched, but I just wish, for once, that it was totally easy and seamless.
I hate the anxiety that comes with waiting for a return txt from the guy that I am talking to. I hate the feeling that at any moment he will txt back saying "I've actually met somebody else, he is really great! Let's keep in touch, friends?" Ironic that the mere idea of someone blatantly asking to be friends with me is quite possibly the scariest phrase I could ever imagine. It brings about so much fear, anxiety, and depression in the same instance that it is simply unbearable to mention or give thought.
Tonight I was talking to this guy online. He seemed cute. The problem is that he really isn't what I am looking for right now. We took our chat from emails to IM's and in no time he was asking "What kind of shape are you in?"
This made me mad, as it always does. Is that all that it boils down to? What kind of shape are you in, because that will determine if I even dare to meet you face to face? It makes me angry because I have met plenty of guys from talking online that have asked that same question and they always turn me down upon meeting. What is funny is that they usually linger a bit and carry on a conversation with me (toying with my emotions and leading me on). All the while I wish that they would just throw their drink in my face, call me a giant asshole, and walk out of the bar leaving me all alone.
At least this way, the patrons would be witness and think that we had just been involved with a magnificent lover's quarrel. I could leave the bar in open embarrassment and brush the whole thing off with ease. It is much harder when they lead you on, texting afterwards to say "I hope you make it home safe, txt me to let me know please," then you actually DO feel like a giant asshole when you txt them back "You are very handsome in person" and just get "thanks a lot" in return. OUCH! Dude, that shit hurts!
If it is not one thing then it is another. I meet other guys that seem to actually be interested for a change. Then they open up their mouths and are as dumb as the rocks that fall out of them. I have to tell myself over and over again "Keep your eyes wide open, nod, and say "yes, exactly," just so that I can not seem like one of the biggest assholes on the planet.
So that guy that I had chatted with a little earlier on this evening asked about the shape I was in. He said "well you know, not fat". I let him know that I was not fat, but that if he was looking for a flat stomach and visible abs then I was not the guy for him. He seemed offended and told me that I was making assumptions about what he was looking for. In my mind, he had told me, but I had seen through the embellishments of "you know, not fat, but in between is okay". This. That. This. That. Make up. Your fucking. Mind.
I can't keep battling with these guys as well as my own ego. I know that I am in shape, I consider myself on the beefy side as of now, but hopefully after all of this cardio and a cleanse I plan on doing in April, that will all fall away.
Maybe this summer I can score some ass, but for now, I think I will just eat more pizza.
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