They are desperate. They are scared. They are in the closet. They are battling with something that I still battle with on a daily basis. Almost the only way to deal with it is to look the other way and to never ask this question of myself again and to hope and pray no one else ever asks, "When did I know that I was gay?"
And what a dumb question it is? I still do not know if I am gay. What is gay? Just because I have certain behaviors that exhibit male to male relations does that mean that I am automatically a part of this one giant subculture? How are you voted in? Can you choose not to renew membership when your first and current term are over?
I don't think it is very fair to lump people into this whole idea of a subculture without their consent.
Tonight this guy from my graduating class emailed me on facebook. We have only spoken once since I accepted his friend request on the site, and honestly I just did it because I knew that he would know if I did not accept. He told me that he has been with men since he was 6 years old and then went on to ask "When did you know that you were gay?"
Maybe it is my late twenties that has given me this spin on things, but my reply was this,
"You will never really know if you are gay. The best you can do is to pick one, and learn to live with it. I am probably not the right person to talk to about this. Good luck...with everything."
OUCH. Right? This is pretty harsh but it was honest. When I read the part about being with men since he was 6 I made my assumptions. I don't have a license to diagnose, nor would I appreciate that responsibility. I have a theory for cases such as this, and I think that they are very very unfortunate.
He suffered from childhood sexual abuse. Because of this he grew up without being able to decide for himself which sex that he held sexual attraction. He was forced to participate in something that he eventually became accustomed to and since then has "struggled" to figure out which one is right. In my opinion, he is not gay at all. His masculinity, sexual orientation, and overall manhood (for a lack of a better term) was challenged when he could not defend himself and now he is stuck in limbo. He will probably never fully feel that he is at the capacity the he should be allowed. He will never full feel like a man. Because of this pain he will question his sexual orientation and he will never be able to make up his mind. To do so would push the boundaries of his comfort levels, since he is accustomed and comfortable in the company of men. This is easy. Close your eyes, grab onto his back, and hopefully you'll enjoy the ride.
This is not the first secret like this that I have been told.
My soulmate, Adair, has a friend. We were all at Adair's house drinking one night when we were at UNCC and the friend waited until we were alone on the balcony. She closed the door behind the last person in, and she sideswiped me. She told me that she was gay and had feelings for Adair. I told her that Adair would not have the same feelings and she should understand. It was obnoxious and it is a selfish move on these people's part. They are acting out of fear and guilt. They are guilty for lying to all of their friends and loved ones, and they fear what those around them will think. They pick a lowly (and random) gay person to confess to and the job is almost finished. They say it out loud. They deeply exhale. Some weight has actually been lifted.
Another close friend did this to me as well. We had grown up together. Spent a lot of time together. In our adolescence I spoke more of the girls I found attractive than he did about anything. After my coming out of the closet he attempted to connect with me a few times for lunch after we had lost touch for quite sometime.
One afternoon while eating at the Cheesecake factory we got into a debate about being gay and being a Christian. Our conversation went back and forth, most of his points not making sense.
When we continued the conversation in the parking deck at our cars he made his confession then. He told me he "struggled" with the same things that I did. I told him that I was not "struggling". He said that unlike me he would fight it, "beat it", he might have even said. He said he would over come this problem because he felt as though this is what God would want from him. He said I was the second person that he had come out to, and the first had been his bible study leader, who had given him this sound advice.
There is much pain and sadness in the world these days. Not just for the ones of us still stuck inside our closets. We are all living with pain and we are all living in fear.
The most that we can hope for is to find bits and pieces of happiness scattered throughout this awful planet, and enjoy them as best we can. Like I mentioned to that dude tonight, learn to live with what makes you happy.
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