I Get a Funny Feeling...

Do you ever get the feeling that the rest of the world is laughing at you? I get that feeling all the time. I have had that feeling ever since I was a child. This overwhelming sense of being made fun of with fingers pointing and laughter following. The saddest part about it is that none of it was ever true. For the most part kids are just awkward. They have no rhyme or reason for the things they do or say.

Are adults just the same way? I feel as though, at least in my dating arena, aka my own personal hell, that the audience (whomever they might be) is laughing at me. Pointing. And Laughing. I just feel like it is one big joke. Does anybody else get the punch line? I don't.

I guess this fear of people laughing comes from an unsureness that I have about my self. I can never tell when I am being hit on, or flirted with and more importantly I can NEVER tell when a guy actually likes me. I love to flirt but typically stick to the uglies and just use them for practice. When it comes time to ante up to the plate I turn to chicken shit. I freeze. I can't function. I explained it to one friend on a night out on the town. I told her to watch. It was awful. When I truly am attracted to someone I will go and hangout close by them. I will make eyes at them but am too nervous to smile or wink. So instead of looking flirtatious I typically look like I am plotting on following them home and stabbing them. To say the least, my actions are not as endearing as they are typically intended to be.

The same problematic flirtation devices come into play on a day to day basis. At work. At the Gym. At Starbucks. I can't flirt. My face gets tense because of how much pressure I feel inside and the result is an mean looking dude that looks like he hasn't taken a dump in 5 days. I look constipated. Stuck. Scared. Weird. Straight even! I get the feeling often times from gay guys that my intense demeanor is giving off a vibe of "Don't fuck with me, or I'll kill ya". This is NO GOOD I tell you! NO GOOD!

I can't help it. When a guy comes in to shop I stay focused on work. Even if I toy with the idea of what I would say if he were to ask me out for drinks. To date, there has been only ONE customer in my 8 years of working retail that has ever been so brazen as to ask me out for an after work drink. Take a guess at how interested I may have been in that one. NOT AT ALL! He turned out to be a really great friend but the entire friendship was weird anyway because it started on a whim of him asking me out on a drink date thinking that it would journey down a totally different road than it had.

That night that we had a drink he asked me straight forward and to this day jokes about my response, "I can't really say that I would see that happening; ever." He mocks my bitchy tone when he tells it to other friends but secretly I know he is bitter. He is that date that turned into a friend that if he drinks JUST enough he will try to hit on you again. NOT GOOD!

So regardless of this, I feel like the laughing stock of the dating world. The guys that ask me out lately are pitiful. I am trying to hold firm to a strict NO MERCY DATE policy but it is tough when you don't get hit on by the guys you keep hoping will slip you a "CHECK YES OR NO" asking "WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"

It's a hard knock life, for us...

instead of kisses, we get kicked...