Danke Schoen

As you may have already known. I have a sort of crush. It is on a customer of mine that keeps coming in to shop with me on a regular basis. This is not like any other customer that I have had. There is something quite different. We email back and forth. These emails include witty banter and verge on flirtation.

I still have not received SOLID confirmation that he is of the homosexual nature. I am pretty confident that there is something more there than meets the eye and I have been working on this situation to say the least.

It is hard because I think that when it is all said and done that we are both awful flirts when it comes to flirting with someone that we would or could actually care for. Either that or he is still in the closet. Which would suck because I have NO TIME for a charity case.

So here is how the weeks events began...

On Friday I got an email from him saying he would be in on Saturday or Monday. Of course this meant that on Saturday I kept an eye out for him all day long and he never showed. So when Monday morning rolled around I was excited to head to work because I knew that if he had not made it Saturday that today would be the day that he would grace me with his presence. Not so. He was a no show on Monday and my heart sank about three different spots. I figured I would give him some time, and then shoot an email to him to follow up and see what had happened. This is typical behavior of the email kind for us.

But when I arrived at work this afternoon I had one waiting in my inbox from him saying that he would be coming in this afternoon.

Now before I proceed let me just say that on Monday another pair of customers/friends had stopped by. A couple that I am friends with that I have looped in to my dating woes and dilemmas. I had mentioned this guy to them in the past and when they mentioned this upcoming race in Davis sq. I hopped at the opportunity for more reasons than one. First of all I have been wanting some race type goal to work towards to help motivate my fat ass up off of the couch and stick it to the cardio at the ol' gym routine. And in addition to this I figured that more than likely he would be there. I didn't realize it until I had already told them I would love to do it. They were excited for me and we plotted out all the great possibilities that could come of "bumping into" one another at this event.

So when he showed up today I mentioned the race to him. We talked about his trip to Costa Rica and he told me about how fun this race would be. He mentioned that although it is a real 5 K and everyone does compete that afterwards everyone crowds the bars of Davis Sq because if you have registered for the race then you get to drink for free. At one bar in particular he said upon entry when the race is finished they line the bar with cups filled with beer and you just go up and take one after the other. It that isn't enough incentive to run a damn race then I don't know what else it would take! Other than this Crush of mine being at the finish line with a beer in his hand!

As we finished our time together I mentioned, "Well, If I don't see you before then maybe I will see you at the race!" He added, "You should definitely do it," and I told him that if there was an open bar at the end of it then it would definitely be worth checking out. He thought about it and then added, "Well...If there isn't...pause...then I will buy you a beer, how about that?"

I can't help but think I am reading in to all of this entirely too much yet today's interaction made me feel like we made some real progress. I am trying to be patient with this and every other situation in my life.

This week I am feeling really good about everything. This interaction with my crush was icing on the cake to what has started off to be an incredible week. This morning at Starbucks I had the courage to ask that barista about her friend.

This is how it went down. She was at the end of the bar and we were talking and catching up. As we paused in between topics I started, "So, its Elizabeth, right?"

E. "Yeah, tell me your name again,"

J. "Justin,"

E. "Well, I am not going to forget it again,"

J. "Well you should remember my name, FAME,"

E. Laughs. "Exactly! I will definitely not forget it now,"

J. "So I have to ask you, and I feel totally hokey doing so; A few weeks ago there was a guy here, reading a book, and you joined him."

E. Thinking "Yeah...pause...Oh, yeah" as she remembered, "That was Ryan"

J. "Oh okay, Ryan...pause...yeah...pause...Ryan is cute"

E. Smirking and nodding, "Yeah, Ryan is cute, he is dating my roommate."

J. "Ryan is dating your roommate that doesn't do the dishes?"

I wanted to tell her that I do the dishes but my roommate Katie was standing right beside me (Part of the reason I had the courage to confront her) and I know she would have put me on blast cause I ain't never up in the kitchen doin' no dishes.

We continued the banter, which at that point was obsolete. She said that they were a cute couple, and I lied and said I was happy for them. She told me she would let me know if anything changed.

I held off on telling her that Ryan's eye wanders. I held off on voicing my opinion that it will be over soon and I would like to be next in line.

Katie comforted me saying that apparently there is a John Mayer song that indicates that I only have to wait until St. Patrick's Day and that is the national breakup time or something. Whatever. I can get into that. But hey, I tried. It is half the battle. Oh, wait, that is "knowing", knowing is half the battle, not trying. Well anyway, I tried. And I felt like I had halfway completed a battle. So there.

Its just like Ferris Bueller says,

Thanks You for the words of wisdom Ferris Bueller

RuBucks

I have been to Starbucks every day since the Friday that I saw that guy there. I am obsessed. I have looked for him and I have looked for that particular Barista and neither of them have been there until today. The barista was there this morning. I had thought at first that I would initially need to establish her name once more. I have gotten it from her before but it was one of those in passing type situations where I had not intended on ever needing to recall it. So today I caught her at the register with another girl speaking her own name in third person.

"Elizabeth is always expected to do the dishes, but Elizabeth actually hates to do them". She was talking about her living arrangement with her roommates and I laughed and chimed in. I mentioned that I had the same situation and I said, you should tell Elizabeth that she has the choice not to do them. Then she admitting to being Elizabeth herself. Okay, name; Check. I thought this much was taken care of, now I just have to muster up the balls to ask about her friend in question from the Friday before.

Not so easily done as the line began to grow and the anxious decaffeinated fiends awaited for the baristas to orchestrate their caffeination.

I became quite nervous and walked over towards the window where I began to settle down. I folded my sweater atop of my chosen barstool, and I placed my cap and scarf along side my latte and cell phone. On my way to fetch my food order and a straw I met her at the end of the bar area where we continued our roommate conversation, laughing along the way. This was the perfect opportunity for me to say, "Oh, is that guy you were here with the other day one of your roommates?" but I did not. I clammed up. What has happened to me? Where is that boy that once never cared about what ANYONE thought?

Then I made my way over to my spot where Elizabeth and my paths crossed once more as she made her way to clean the windows. I ducked my head and continued towards my spot. I sat and enjoyed my coffee and within 10 minutes she was making her way around the store with a tray of cupcake samples asking each individual customer if they would like to try. I declined. This was now my fourth opportunity to initiate the "I like your friend" conversation and yet I failed once more to rise to the occasion.

It was the most conversation and interaction I have ever had with her since walking in to Starbucks in Davis Square. It kills me that I could not have planned it any more strategically and yet I avoided the "master plan" at all costs.

I am so scared. And of what? That is what one of my friends told me. What do you have to lose? NOTHING. So why can't I rise to the occasion?

Then I think about things that are important to me like taking care of my career and my finances before worrying about things like finding some date to go on. I think about getting myself in shape physically, financially and emotionally before even making attempts to find someone else to share myself with.

It is important to do so. Every time I get caught up in the search I always come back to something that RuPaul has always been known (at least, in my mind) for saying and believing in, and it is this; "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?"

Can I get an Amen?

Brass in Pocket

It's time to use my side-step and make you notice. I have this nagging fear of missing out. I fear missing out on great things that could be but would never happen unless someone takes this life by the balls and gives one big tug. I am scared of missing out on knowing what would have happened and this fear eats away at my thoughts unless I act. In lieu of this. I act out a lot. If you know me you understand what I am talking about. I take chances. I put myself out there. I live life loud, proud, and usually in the middle of a crowd.

In the last few months/years or whatever I have really tamed myself down. I guess because no matter how happy or sad we are we are always seeking ways to do things differently. We are always trying to see if maybe we act a certain way or just change one or two things that maybe this will be what brings about the changes we have been longing and hoping for in order to be fulfilled completely.

Most of the time these slight changes are unnecessary and miniscule compared to how much more happy we are with ourselves when we continue to be the person that has always made us so happy.

This morning a very handsome young gentleman caught my eye when I took my seat at Starbucks. I had to do a double take because he was attractive, and yet he was the one that seemed to be entranced by me. He held his gaze a few minutes longer than necessary and it became very apparent by way of slight smirks and quick glances away when caught staring that he was certainly interested in what I had to offer. I couldn't stop looking at him. I was trying to prove to myself that maybe he was not really that attractive. Maybe he was like secretly fat. You know. When a guy is sitting down and you can't tell then he stands up and it all falls out of the sides of his sweater. Nothing against a fatty but I am not a big fan of surprises. I was trying to watch to see if maybe he had an annoying laugh; maybe an uncontrollable lip spasm; or gross teeth. He turned out to be twice as cute when he laughed, and his smile could be deemed with that of Colgate esteem.

I kept thinking that I might grow a set and intro-seduce myself on the way out. Shake hands. Smile too much. Exchange numbers. By the time I had mustered up this effort a girl had come to join. It turned out to be my favorite Barista. She always makes extra efforts to take care of me. For instance just this morning she added an extra shot of espresso without charging me. We joked about it. Worst case scenario she is my backup plan.

You know I have been on Craigslist "Missed Connections" all day trying to act like any normal guy that I would be willing to date would actually post on there. It is probably best that he doesn't and that we find each other in other ways possible. I keep hoping that I bump into him at the gym later on today and that Davis turns out to be as small as I am hoping that it can be.

While staring flirtatiously back and forth at one another I reminisced about all the times I have put myself forward and made the first move. I'm tired of it. It gets exhausting and I feel like I get perceived as being too forward and too anxious. All the while I feel like if there is no result of an hour and a half of glances exchanged then it was a wasted effort.

Its time for me to get back to the basics of what made me who I am today. No more pussyfooting around the matter. Twenty-ten is the year of living out loud. Watch out world here comes Mr. Loud, Proud and Middle of the Crowd. Call me Mr. Flintstone cause I can make your bed rock.

Trip my Shit

Gay people are so ridiculous. Tonight I took a newcomer out and about on the town. We started at this great mexican restaurant and from there who knows where things may or may not have gone array. After dinner I realized that we were in Boston's local gay neighborhood and for a lack of better understanding about the hip and urban places to take a heterosexual newcomer in this town I took my away-from-home visitor to the only place I knew of which, of course, was a gay bar. Club Cafe to be exact. It is a restaurant in the front, bar in the middle, and a "dance club" in the back. We use the term "dance club" loosely because no one really dances back there. They just sway from side to side.

Things I found interesting tonight included watching as the gay sea parted to worship the Lady Gaga on the television monitor. As soon as they heard the opening notes to "Bad Romance," the dancefloor split in half with a full four feet of space between the gays and the Gaga. They stared in awe of her uniqueness with mouths gaping, some mouthing out the words. My newcomer friend was shocked to find, "what are they doing," she asked in concern. I let her know that they were praying to their Gaga. They were throwing their hands up across their hearts and towards foreheads, in cross-like formation. They were praising the Lady Gaga and it was one of the most ridiculous scenes I had ever beheld. That is, until, I saw Beyonce take the stage at the previous years' American Music Awards and performing "Single Ladies" all the fags hearts skipped a beat. Hips were jiggling, hands were up in the air; and all you could hear was the feint mumblings of the "Uh-oh-ohs" that did not want to be uttered by the butchest of the fagcrowds.

What a ridiculous bunch of folk that I myself by default am betrothed to. Why must I even be associated with this motley crew of fagfolk. I don't get it. What is it about this culture that makes us act so absolutely ridiculous? Are we destined for failure? That is how it must seem. to me and the rest of us, when our heads are so far in the clouds that we cannot asses an accurate game plan for tackling the Human Rights Campagin.

Needless to say,

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!

Perpetually Single

A close friend of mine used this to describe me recently. I know (or at least, don't think) that he meant it as words meant to hurt but they did. It was like stating a fact that I don't enjoy acknowledging.

We were talking about jobs. We both work in retail. He mentioned that the hours required of our work really gets to him and that it had worked for me because I am "perpetually single". I guess it made me angry because work is tough for me right now. I am working on liking it better by making a few changes here and there. But it is hard to agree or own up to a title of "perpetually single", when it is not one that I have chosen for myself. Its not like I am so committed to my work that I stay away from dating.

I am WIDE OPEN to dating. I am perpetually single because I'm not going to settle down with someone out of comfort or convenience. Life is too short to waste with one worthless person.

Why should I keep dating someone that I am not physically attracted to? If someone says that they don't believe God exists why would I continue to date them? Why would I want to bother dating someone that tells me upfront that they do not believe in monogamy? To me, this belief is so far fetched I cannot even fathom the validity of such a thought.

I've kicked TwentyTen off with a bang by going on more dates in the month of January than I had all year long in 2009. Just cause they were first dates, and will not be second dates doesn't mean that I am meant to be "perpetually single".

What a ridiculous thing to say. It made me so angry. It made me angry because I have made changes in my life and taken chances in order to bring about that change. I have changed surroundings. I have changed behaviors. I have bettered myself as an end result. I'm becoming more and more happy with the person that I am every day, and I can't let an asshole call me "perpetually single" indicating that it is me, and not them.

What a crock of shit.

Bug-a-Boo

I've been downloading music from my high school years. I posted something about it on my class Facebook page, which really got the ball rolling. Asking people to post their favorite songs and or memories from high school.

When I look back I realize that there were a LOT of dumb songs from our day. It was the age of the boy band and the pop princess. Britney and Justin had barely started dating one another. This represented the downfall of it all. 98 degrees, Backstreet Boys, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera...and not to mention that Destiny's Child was in its PRIME! That much I KNOW is true!

I pretty much downloaded the entire "Writing's on the wall" album because it reminds me so much of high school. I would listen to the entire album from start to finish. I remember that I had bought it mainly for "Bills, Bills, Bills" and "Bug-a-boo". On a weekend trip to visit the East Carolina Campus (keep in mind if was Halloween weekend) I went on the trip with Candace, Paige, and this girl that I was not that acquainted with at the time, Jill.

It was quite a weekend.

An Angry boyfriend punched a whole through the wall of our hotel room. I drove as DD since at the time I did not drink, and at various points in the night was asked to pull over to the side of the road because Jill was planning on MAKING herself throw up, because she said that once she did she would feel much better. Throughout the entire weekend Paige became very frustrated with my attention deficit in regards to what music was on the radio. She would smack my hand and command that I leave the CD on the track and just listen. This forced me to hear the entire Destiny's Child album and in turn, it is one of my all time favorite albums of all time.

That album, along with Lil'Kim's Hardcore Album always remind me of that weekend at East Carolina. Those girls opened my eyes up to a whole other world. Who's to say whether it was good or bad, but I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. That was the start of a long lasting friendship between me, Candace, and Paige.

I had never had friends that I felt like really stood up for me before then and after meeting these girls everything was different. I always liked the idea of having a harem of women to protect me. I'm confident enough in my manhood to say so. I liked the idea cause of crazy weird Japanese movies I had seen before, where these big amazon women were bodyguards and stuff. So anyway. To have some tough girls that were confident be willing to cuss someone out because they were talking shit about me or trying to question my sexuality was a really nice ideal.

It was never an issue of whether I was or wasn't. It was just the fact that I belonged to them. I was their friend. Like a brother, and nobody else would be able to challenge that.

It was a lot of fun.

Hip to be Square

Davis Square is one of the most wonderful places on earth. I am growing to love it more and more every day that I have that I get a chance to spend galavanting around. Today was a wonderful day off. It was relaxing but I didn't just lay around. I got a few things accomplished in the meanwhile.

I woke up clueless as to what my first step should be to get started on my day. On a typical day off in Davis Square I make my way to Starbucks first thing in the AM to grab an iced latte and sit in a big comfy chair by the fire place while partially people watching patrons and passers by outside the window and the other part staring at the shamelessly handsome baristo that kinda flirts with me but I can't tell. He is either REALLY good at his job, Bored, or he would like to ask me out. I am thinking it is none of the above and that I am just reading into things as I always do.

But on this day. Starbucks is NOT an option. Well, at least not MY STARBUCKS. MY STARBUCKS in Davis is closed for renovations. No worries all, I have informed them of my request to add more comfy chairs around the fire place, so all will be well, when peace is finally restored upon Davis.

I figured a Chai from Diesel Cafe would serve as a nice substitute and then a breakfast sandwich from the Broken Yolk around the corner would make for a beautiful morning in addition. I placed my order at Broken Yolk but asked if it could be postponed for 20 as I had an errand to run in the Square. I made my way to the shoe cobbler, Art, to inquire about resoling some shoes. My dress shoes would be too expensive, but my cowboy boots are underway. This time next week I'll be stomping my way across the dance floor all over again.

I picked up my chai and made my way home. I had ordered a Bacon, Egg, Tomato, and Chedder on an everything bagel and it was TO DIE FOR! Nothing like a small homecookin' style breakfast joint to get your senses workin' in the AM. I cozied up at home and decided to finally check out what 500 days of Summer was all about. It was all about love.

If I didn't need a reminder. It was an incredibly movie. Zooey D. played herself, the quirky girl that everybody wants but nobody can have, as she always does, which is starting to get on my nerves. In the end I was glad that he wound up with Autumn instead, she was much more pretty than Zooey fo sho.

I packed up my gym bag. Got in a brisk but effective workout and grabbed lunch from Boston Burger Company. I tried their Chicken panini and went with the hostess' suggestion which was a bad idea. It was messy and un-eatable. I was a much bigger fan of my Garlic Parm fries and their house made bleu cheese was just the perfect compliment for dipping.

A buddy that I had been emailing/texting for a while but never met mentioned that he had no plans for the day. I told him I was procrastinating on putting together this Ikea "Thing" that is used to hold all my clothes and he jumped at the opportunity to help out. With his help I finally finished the project. It has been lasting for almost a month because the instructions insist on having TWO people to put it together, and we have so far agreed to disagree.

But it is done now. It is the first night in 3 weeks that I am going to bed without mounds of clothes across my floor. The only thing left to do is switch my TV stand and desk and my room will be all set. Tomorrow night it will be official, I will be sleeping in my "almost there" room.

Hopefully I will make it a matter of weeks/days to hang my pictures so that I at least get a good 6 months or so of them on the wall before the possibility of moving out from this apartment. I really like it here. The location is nice, I would definitely not be opposed to being closer to the square but at this rate I wouldn't mind being here for another year.

I can't believe that it has been two whole years since I moved here. It feels like it has taken a lifetime to finally live in an area that I enjoyed. I have learned a lot about bigger "city" living as far as being willing to compromise your apartment standards, for location, location, location. I wouldn't venture to say that it is what it is cracked up to be, but for the record, their ain't nothing like Davis Square in Charlotte, North Carolina, thats fo sho.

My hips might not lie, but they are hip to be square.

Davis Square, I love you.