RuBucks

I have been to Starbucks every day since the Friday that I saw that guy there. I am obsessed. I have looked for him and I have looked for that particular Barista and neither of them have been there until today. The barista was there this morning. I had thought at first that I would initially need to establish her name once more. I have gotten it from her before but it was one of those in passing type situations where I had not intended on ever needing to recall it. So today I caught her at the register with another girl speaking her own name in third person.

"Elizabeth is always expected to do the dishes, but Elizabeth actually hates to do them". She was talking about her living arrangement with her roommates and I laughed and chimed in. I mentioned that I had the same situation and I said, you should tell Elizabeth that she has the choice not to do them. Then she admitting to being Elizabeth herself. Okay, name; Check. I thought this much was taken care of, now I just have to muster up the balls to ask about her friend in question from the Friday before.

Not so easily done as the line began to grow and the anxious decaffeinated fiends awaited for the baristas to orchestrate their caffeination.

I became quite nervous and walked over towards the window where I began to settle down. I folded my sweater atop of my chosen barstool, and I placed my cap and scarf along side my latte and cell phone. On my way to fetch my food order and a straw I met her at the end of the bar area where we continued our roommate conversation, laughing along the way. This was the perfect opportunity for me to say, "Oh, is that guy you were here with the other day one of your roommates?" but I did not. I clammed up. What has happened to me? Where is that boy that once never cared about what ANYONE thought?

Then I made my way over to my spot where Elizabeth and my paths crossed once more as she made her way to clean the windows. I ducked my head and continued towards my spot. I sat and enjoyed my coffee and within 10 minutes she was making her way around the store with a tray of cupcake samples asking each individual customer if they would like to try. I declined. This was now my fourth opportunity to initiate the "I like your friend" conversation and yet I failed once more to rise to the occasion.

It was the most conversation and interaction I have ever had with her since walking in to Starbucks in Davis Square. It kills me that I could not have planned it any more strategically and yet I avoided the "master plan" at all costs.

I am so scared. And of what? That is what one of my friends told me. What do you have to lose? NOTHING. So why can't I rise to the occasion?

Then I think about things that are important to me like taking care of my career and my finances before worrying about things like finding some date to go on. I think about getting myself in shape physically, financially and emotionally before even making attempts to find someone else to share myself with.

It is important to do so. Every time I get caught up in the search I always come back to something that RuPaul has always been known (at least, in my mind) for saying and believing in, and it is this; "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?"

Can I get an Amen?