Its really tough. Straight friends tell me that it is the same for them. Their frustrations. Their single lives are just like the single lives of gay men. They believe themselves to be just as desperate.
I look around the gay community and I see more sadness than joy. I see people that settle for less. I see people selling themselves short. I see couples that are not happy but are content. I see older gay men that are dating younger gay men. You would say this was just like the Cougar craze amongst pre-menopausal women yet the age difference is much greater. 60 with 30. 50 with 20. I don't know. Maybe it is just the same, it just seems more psychologically disturbing when it is two men. I guess I take that back. The spread Madonna did with that Jesus kid in W magazine was pretty disturbing.
I just think about how awful it is that I get stuck dating older men. They are the only ones that smile back at me when I check them out. They respond to my texts. They actually show up for our date when we set it a month out in advance. I still want to grow old with someone my own age. I think about what it might be like to bring one of these older men home to my parents and it disturbs me. The idea of them being able to talk about things that happened before I was born drives me insane. It just doesn't feel right?
My buddy Mike seems so content to be single. He does not even think that he wants a relationship anytime soon. The most disturbing part about it is that he currently has 3 or so different guys that are dying to date him. He doesn't even put out and they keep coming around. They won't leave him alone, and yet he could take it or leave it.
My good friend Rich, who is one of the sweetest souls I know tells me that I am a catch all the time. It just doesn't feel as good to be called a catch unless you are getting caught.
My friend Kelly said to me one time with confidence, "You CHOOSE to be single, Justin!"
I asked her who my choices were that I was saying no to. Who is in my dating pool that I am refusing to date? That is when it would be a choice that I was making. I don't even have anybody to turn down. She crooked her head to one side, arched and eyebrow and opened her mouth to let out a silence. She sighed, "Well, I will get back to you." This is Kelly's way of admitting defeat. She realized that her statement was spoken right outside of her ass. She likes enjoys making statements out of her ass, and I love her for it, because it gets me thinking. But she was wrong in the statement that I am CHOOSING to be single. I am not.
The more days, the more months, and the more years that pass by and I stay single I am finding out more and more about relationships. I am finding out what truly makes up a healthy one. I am learning that ideally there are no healthy ones. That the healthiest relationships seem to be the ones that are the most fucked up. The ones that offer the drama and chaos; These are the relationships that seem to have the strongest bonds of all.
I am a little sad today about it. I had a bad day at work. It was long. It ended on a sour note. When things like this happen all I can ever imagine is how nice it would be to have arms to welcome me home. Man-arms. Not the arms of my girl roommates. The arms of a man that cares for me. The arms of a man that is not old enough to be my father or to have gone to high school with him. The arms of a man that has the same expiration date as I do.
There's a saying old,
Says that love is blind,
Still we're often told
"Seek and ye shall find,"
So I'm going to seek a certain lad, I've had in mind
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