I have reached a crossroads in my journey that I embarked on a year ago this time.
Should I stay, or Should I go?
It is hard to say whether or not I feel led in one direction or the other, cause I don't. I would like to be here for a while. If for no other reason because just being here, despite whatever it is that I may be doing while I am here, I feel a sense of accomplishment.
When people ask, I share with them that I never had that "I need to get outta this town" feeling that a lot of people around me had growing up in Charlotte, NC. Of course Middle School was in a class of its own, so we don't count those years, but other than that I grew to love the city I grew up in. It has its share of flaws, no doubt, but I love it so so much. The funny thing is that there are things about it that the people here try to snub but there are things that Charlotte offers that in my book are way better deals brought to the table.
Dean and Deluca
McAlister's Deli
Southpark Mall
Coyote Joe's
Anna's Alterations
The Harris YMCA
The Dowd YMCA
Long's Cleaners
Moe's
Einstein's Bagel
Harris Teeter
I mean, I know that I am a whore for a good Chain restaurant. But what is with different regions offering different goods? Who wants to eat at Chipotle? What the fuck is Restaurant Route 99? This is ridiculous.
Why would you trade a cup of freshly brewed iced sweet tea from Dean and Deluca and an overpriced Sandwich for a few crummy calzones and dishes full of chicken and broccoli?
I miss Charlotte a lot. I thought about moving back today. I thought about how it would feel to renew my membership to the Y. Drop off my laundry at Long's cleaners, where my mom has taken our family's laundry since I was a child. Meet my friend Jamie on her lunch break from work at Dean and Deluca. Walk around Southpark mall and check out all the old men that have come there to cruise boys like me.
Ah...memories.
I miss it, but I feel compelled to stay here. I feel like I have something to accomplish here and yet I don't know exactly what it is. I keep thinking that Charlotte will still be there when I go back, and it will be exactly the way I left it, but it won't. That is the scary part. It is scary for me to realize that everyone that was a part of my life when I left, has not made their own lives happen without me. I will return to awkward silences and be left out of many inside jokes. I will have to ask too many questions to catch up to the ongoing drama, and I will have to just be content with being left out of the loop.
I thought about what it would be like because I think about things here. Work. Social Life. Everything. I think about it. How permanent is any of this? The only friend I have made here outside of work is turning out to not be a very good friend overall. Weeding through the good and bad is something I had prided myself on when I left Charlotte. I had a going away party and looked around at the faces in the room and was very pleased with myself and the work that had gone into the relationships I had built with those friends. All of them were/are worth the effort. This outside-of-work friend I have made here is not yet determined. We have maintained friendship after a slightly uncomfortable first interaction. He is one of the only men I have been able to do this with and yet now, after a years worth of time invested, I see him in a different light. I realize that he is actually a lot more self-centered than I had originally intended.
On New Years Eve I yelled at him on the phone. We had made plans to meet up. Go out. Have fun. I told him what time I would arrive in the city, and explained my preliminary plans leading up to my arrival. It was simple enough. But instead. By the time I finished having a drink with some girlfriends (from work) at their hotel room I made my way towards his apartment. I called. No answer. It was 9PM. He told me that he would be finished with the gym by 8PM and that he would be home by then. He was napping.
I left him a message and told him that I would wait at the bar around the corner. I waited. Alone on New Year's Eve. Drinking. At a public bar. Alone. I was alone. I called him multiple times then gave up. I figured out that I would just have to wait "patiently". finally at 11:15 he called. "I'm outside, come meet us, we don't want to pay cover to get in here," I'm on my way. Again, simple enough. New Year's Eve was, to date, one of my coldest nights in Boston yet. So I had to put on my sweater, my coat, my gloves, and my hat. By the time I was ready to go he had called again bitching, "Where are you?" I'm on my way out, I hung up the phone. By the time I got outside he was nowhere in sight. He had already left me. I called. I cussed.
"HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS EVE!" I told him that I was going home. Then dropped the "F" Bomb a few more times before hanging up on him. On my way towards the T (Boston's 'premier' public transit system) I realized that I had already paid for my entry to the club that night and it would be a waste of $40 if I didn't go. So I called him back.
I admitted to him that I was one of the most selfish people I knew. I also told him that I didn't understand why it seemed like all I ever tried to do was to put him first, and yet he could not extend the same non-selfish courtesy to me. I had waited an hour and a half for him to meet me at that bar where I drank ALONE and yet he could not wait for 10 minutes.
This event was the straw that began to break my back. It made me realize that he is such an inconsiderate person. There are little ongoing signs here and there that make me know that he is selfish, but this event was by far the worst. It angered me that he did not seem to care that there was a snowstorm that night. I had to drive my car to the train station. Then I had to ride the train that kept stopping for long periods of time because of the awful weather. Then I walked around in circles outside his apartment while he did not even pick up his phone to give me any detail. On top of all this, I found myself alone, on New Year's Eve, drinking at a bar. No friends in sight.
The next day I met a 'friend' in the city for some afternoon delight. I had called my Selfish friend all morning and when he did not answer I made other plans. When I returned to my car after being 'delighted' I found that Selfishness had given me a buzz. I called him back and picked him up for breakfast. When I did the first thing he did was start bitching about all of his friends that lived in the city that had not bothered to answer their phones when he invited them to breakfast.
I realized that I had been at the bottom of the list for breakfast choices and I am nobody's last resort.
It saddens me to think that I have invested time in someone who considers me a last resort, when I know all along that I have people living in a city called Charlotte, that would put me first for any occasion.
My patience threshold is short-lived, when it comes to putting up with other people's bullshit.
I've got enough of that going on in my own life.
...now tell me what you gon' do when there ain't nowhere to run...
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