Perpetually Single

A close friend of mine used this to describe me recently. I know (or at least, don't think) that he meant it as words meant to hurt but they did. It was like stating a fact that I don't enjoy acknowledging.

We were talking about jobs. We both work in retail. He mentioned that the hours required of our work really gets to him and that it had worked for me because I am "perpetually single". I guess it made me angry because work is tough for me right now. I am working on liking it better by making a few changes here and there. But it is hard to agree or own up to a title of "perpetually single", when it is not one that I have chosen for myself. Its not like I am so committed to my work that I stay away from dating.

I am WIDE OPEN to dating. I am perpetually single because I'm not going to settle down with someone out of comfort or convenience. Life is too short to waste with one worthless person.

Why should I keep dating someone that I am not physically attracted to? If someone says that they don't believe God exists why would I continue to date them? Why would I want to bother dating someone that tells me upfront that they do not believe in monogamy? To me, this belief is so far fetched I cannot even fathom the validity of such a thought.

I've kicked TwentyTen off with a bang by going on more dates in the month of January than I had all year long in 2009. Just cause they were first dates, and will not be second dates doesn't mean that I am meant to be "perpetually single".

What a ridiculous thing to say. It made me so angry. It made me angry because I have made changes in my life and taken chances in order to bring about that change. I have changed surroundings. I have changed behaviors. I have bettered myself as an end result. I'm becoming more and more happy with the person that I am every day, and I can't let an asshole call me "perpetually single" indicating that it is me, and not them.

What a crock of shit.

Bug-a-Boo

I've been downloading music from my high school years. I posted something about it on my class Facebook page, which really got the ball rolling. Asking people to post their favorite songs and or memories from high school.

When I look back I realize that there were a LOT of dumb songs from our day. It was the age of the boy band and the pop princess. Britney and Justin had barely started dating one another. This represented the downfall of it all. 98 degrees, Backstreet Boys, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera...and not to mention that Destiny's Child was in its PRIME! That much I KNOW is true!

I pretty much downloaded the entire "Writing's on the wall" album because it reminds me so much of high school. I would listen to the entire album from start to finish. I remember that I had bought it mainly for "Bills, Bills, Bills" and "Bug-a-boo". On a weekend trip to visit the East Carolina Campus (keep in mind if was Halloween weekend) I went on the trip with Candace, Paige, and this girl that I was not that acquainted with at the time, Jill.

It was quite a weekend.

An Angry boyfriend punched a whole through the wall of our hotel room. I drove as DD since at the time I did not drink, and at various points in the night was asked to pull over to the side of the road because Jill was planning on MAKING herself throw up, because she said that once she did she would feel much better. Throughout the entire weekend Paige became very frustrated with my attention deficit in regards to what music was on the radio. She would smack my hand and command that I leave the CD on the track and just listen. This forced me to hear the entire Destiny's Child album and in turn, it is one of my all time favorite albums of all time.

That album, along with Lil'Kim's Hardcore Album always remind me of that weekend at East Carolina. Those girls opened my eyes up to a whole other world. Who's to say whether it was good or bad, but I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. That was the start of a long lasting friendship between me, Candace, and Paige.

I had never had friends that I felt like really stood up for me before then and after meeting these girls everything was different. I always liked the idea of having a harem of women to protect me. I'm confident enough in my manhood to say so. I liked the idea cause of crazy weird Japanese movies I had seen before, where these big amazon women were bodyguards and stuff. So anyway. To have some tough girls that were confident be willing to cuss someone out because they were talking shit about me or trying to question my sexuality was a really nice ideal.

It was never an issue of whether I was or wasn't. It was just the fact that I belonged to them. I was their friend. Like a brother, and nobody else would be able to challenge that.

It was a lot of fun.

Hip to be Square

Davis Square is one of the most wonderful places on earth. I am growing to love it more and more every day that I have that I get a chance to spend galavanting around. Today was a wonderful day off. It was relaxing but I didn't just lay around. I got a few things accomplished in the meanwhile.

I woke up clueless as to what my first step should be to get started on my day. On a typical day off in Davis Square I make my way to Starbucks first thing in the AM to grab an iced latte and sit in a big comfy chair by the fire place while partially people watching patrons and passers by outside the window and the other part staring at the shamelessly handsome baristo that kinda flirts with me but I can't tell. He is either REALLY good at his job, Bored, or he would like to ask me out. I am thinking it is none of the above and that I am just reading into things as I always do.

But on this day. Starbucks is NOT an option. Well, at least not MY STARBUCKS. MY STARBUCKS in Davis is closed for renovations. No worries all, I have informed them of my request to add more comfy chairs around the fire place, so all will be well, when peace is finally restored upon Davis.

I figured a Chai from Diesel Cafe would serve as a nice substitute and then a breakfast sandwich from the Broken Yolk around the corner would make for a beautiful morning in addition. I placed my order at Broken Yolk but asked if it could be postponed for 20 as I had an errand to run in the Square. I made my way to the shoe cobbler, Art, to inquire about resoling some shoes. My dress shoes would be too expensive, but my cowboy boots are underway. This time next week I'll be stomping my way across the dance floor all over again.

I picked up my chai and made my way home. I had ordered a Bacon, Egg, Tomato, and Chedder on an everything bagel and it was TO DIE FOR! Nothing like a small homecookin' style breakfast joint to get your senses workin' in the AM. I cozied up at home and decided to finally check out what 500 days of Summer was all about. It was all about love.

If I didn't need a reminder. It was an incredibly movie. Zooey D. played herself, the quirky girl that everybody wants but nobody can have, as she always does, which is starting to get on my nerves. In the end I was glad that he wound up with Autumn instead, she was much more pretty than Zooey fo sho.

I packed up my gym bag. Got in a brisk but effective workout and grabbed lunch from Boston Burger Company. I tried their Chicken panini and went with the hostess' suggestion which was a bad idea. It was messy and un-eatable. I was a much bigger fan of my Garlic Parm fries and their house made bleu cheese was just the perfect compliment for dipping.

A buddy that I had been emailing/texting for a while but never met mentioned that he had no plans for the day. I told him I was procrastinating on putting together this Ikea "Thing" that is used to hold all my clothes and he jumped at the opportunity to help out. With his help I finally finished the project. It has been lasting for almost a month because the instructions insist on having TWO people to put it together, and we have so far agreed to disagree.

But it is done now. It is the first night in 3 weeks that I am going to bed without mounds of clothes across my floor. The only thing left to do is switch my TV stand and desk and my room will be all set. Tomorrow night it will be official, I will be sleeping in my "almost there" room.

Hopefully I will make it a matter of weeks/days to hang my pictures so that I at least get a good 6 months or so of them on the wall before the possibility of moving out from this apartment. I really like it here. The location is nice, I would definitely not be opposed to being closer to the square but at this rate I wouldn't mind being here for another year.

I can't believe that it has been two whole years since I moved here. It feels like it has taken a lifetime to finally live in an area that I enjoyed. I have learned a lot about bigger "city" living as far as being willing to compromise your apartment standards, for location, location, location. I wouldn't venture to say that it is what it is cracked up to be, but for the record, their ain't nothing like Davis Square in Charlotte, North Carolina, thats fo sho.

My hips might not lie, but they are hip to be square.

Davis Square, I love you.

Oh My Gosh

He's makin' eyes at me and I don't mind, at all.

I've been getting back into the Basement Jaxx lately. Mostly when working out at the gym. Their music makes me want to flip my shit and lose it all over again.

Here's my suggestion for a Basement Jaxx playlist, in the following order...

Rendez-Vu

Red Alert (Jaxx Club Edit)

Romeo

Oh My Gosh (Jaxx Club Edit)

Do Your Thing

Where's Your Head At (Radio Edit)

Jus 1 Kiss (Boris Dlugosch and Michi Lange's BMR Digitised Re-Edit)

Get Me Off (Jaxx 2002) Radio Mix

Romeo (Acoustic Version)

Yo-Yo (this is the song that started it all for me...)

What's a Girl Gotta Do? (feat. Paloma Faith)(Newest STUFF!)

This will ensure a great workout...trust.

Now I am off before I look at the clock again and realize that I have been sitting at the computer posting stupid playlists for all of you fat asses waiting for someone to listen and actually download and then work it out at the gym.

Hollaback.

Feverish

I feel funny. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and yet my room was pretty cold compared to what I set the temperature at before heading to bed. I don't know if I have a cold. I did not have a fever. Maybe it means the fever was breaking? Its still a pretty gross feeling.

Yesterday I had the entire day off. I was planning on doing all of this great shit like running errands to get some new jeans altered, getting a shave and a haircut, and making sure I had a great workout at the gym. None of that even happened.

I got a phone call from my Mom at like 8AM but didn't mind since I was already half awake and hadn't spoken with her in a while. We talked for a bit but when our conversation was over I was wide awake and it was only 830 in the morning. I figured I would start the day at the gym and then proceed with everything else. My workout lagged because the gym was empty. I am definitely a people watcher and I become overwhelmingly melancholy when there is nobody else working out worth looking at.

So I did not give it everything I had. Also, I usually try to eat before working out but wanted to get out of the house instead of wasting away the day so I skipped this step leaving me without any kind of energy to exhaust.

Towards the end of my "working out" a guy that I had a date with a couple weeks ago walked in and it was not a good date so I thought, "shit, now I have to figure out how to escape". I waited for him to have an ample amount of "changing time" in the locker room and as I walked towards the locker room to leave I caught a glimpse of him by the free weights and added a pep to my step as to not be seen.

I was lucky to escape the clutches of a very awfully uncomfortable situation.

I went to starbucks afterwards when in actuality I should have drank a bottle of water and had myself a protein shake. Instead I chose an iced latte and their new huevos rancheros whole wheat wrap. It is not the best.

I walked to my barbershop in the freezing cold only to find that it was closed. No note on the door, no signs of life at all. I walked home and realized that in New England you should NEVER assume that you do not need gloves and a hat. This is a realization I make and try to learn every year but for some reason I just cannot get it through my head.

When I got home I spent the rest of the day trying to warm up. I was so cold.

I began to feel feverish and sick but when I took my temperature it was only 99 degrees. What a waste I thought. To feel somewhat feverish but not even really be sick.

So I spent the day laid up in bed. I skipped all of my errands and watched Kathy Griffin's stand up on my computer for the entirety of the afternoon.

I decided to try the yoga class at my new gym that night since I did not wish to waste away the entire day.

Yoga was a bust. The teacher had an accent and sounded just like Celine Dion I could not understand what she was saying, which was not even the worst part about her. The reason I enjoy yoga so much is because you are free to do what feels good. Do the pose if it feels good, don't do it if you can't. Try your hardest but be kind to yourself. Anyway, she was very forceful and controlling and I was not a fan of this teaching method. She commanded people to stop looking into the mirror. She called me out on three different occasions. Once for looking in the mirror (for the record she told the class to make sure that their knees were positioned correctly to not add stress on this or that, so how else was I supposed to verify?), the second time I had raised my left arm up from where it had been sitting on my hip because I was ready to take the full pose; she stated clearly for the entire class "I did not say to lift the left arm up, this is when your mind is not being centered and you are not paying attention to the practice"

She was so annoying. I swear the class only lasted for 30 minutes and it was such a waste.

Then we cut to a full night of sleep waking up to a pool of sweat all over my entire body.

This is weird. Lets move on.

I hope it can only get better from this...

Thanksgiving in the Carolinas

My Thanksgiving trip home was one of the best and favorite visits home yet. I was pretty much booked solid from the time I landed. We headed over to Aunt Glenda's straight from the airport for an early Thanksgiving feast. I got to see my cousins and extended family and it was nice but a bit overwhelming as I might have preferred to sit for a bit with just my parents after arriving but nonetheless I was thankful for the family time.

Then we made the trek home to Sun City where my parents now live. They have really made a home for themselves out there which was made quite evident from the glorious light display that my father, aka "Clark Griswold" had constructed in the front and back yards. It was heartwarming to see, especially after my sister-in-law had emphasized to me "They are REALLY glad that you are home!"

Sunday night I just chilled out. I was exhausted. I had been working NONSTOP leading up to this "vacation" (if you could call it that - since I was on the go the ENTIRE time!) and I needed to rest a bit.

The next day I started with a cup of joe from Dean and Deluca (OF COURSE!). This was ONE of many trips to the D&D. I had brought home with me two pairs of jeans to have altered at my favorite alterations shop. I knew the owner and have a girl there that I trust to alter my jeans. Having someone that you can trust to touch your denim is VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

After getting my jeans taken care of I got a phone call from my buddy John and told him that I was gonna come pick him up and make him check out a possible reunion venue with me.

The venue was AMAZING, but the details are "more to come..." once those reunion plans start falling into place.

After that John and I made our way to Tega Cay/Fort Mill to meet his BF for lunch. Then we stopped by to say hello to my mom and give her a hug and kiss.

From there I headed over to Ronna's to check out her new house. It was crazy to me that she got it for under 200,000. (Hope she doesn't mind me blogging that out!) but the fact that someone that is my age owns a house that is two stories (and i think even has a basement) and a back yard, and a driveway, and a porch, and some other shit too, and yet here if I was to buy something for 150-200K it would be some hole-in-the-wall piece of shit. They would call it "Historic", "Rustic", or "Cute", which would basically translate to "old", "dirty", and "small".

Then we headed over to the mall to check out my old work crew, and then made our way down the street for happy hour. My friend Jamie happened to call in the meantime and said she had something that she was embarrassed to ask but that she would just come right out and say it. I figured that it was some embarrassing gay question but was confused why she would ask something like that when I haven't seen her in forever. Instead she admitted to being a HUGE twilight fan and asked if I would want to see New Moon. Since I am a proud card carrying member of TEAM JACOB I agreed.

I left my work crew to meet Jamie just in time for the movie. We had about 5 minutes to talk and catch up before the movie started which led to Jamie jabbing me with her elbow throughout the entire movie because I had a hard time containing my emotional outbursts every time that Jacob showed up on camera. It is really hard to believe that the kid is only 17 years old.

Regardless my first day was action packed to say the least. The second day I spent with my parents. I cooked and prepped our Thanksgiving side dishes and dessert in the kitchen with my mother in the AM and in the afternoon we went to see "The Blind Side". The movie was tear-jerkingly emotional to say the least. I could hardly contain myself throughout the duration of it. At one point my mom looked over at me cause I had gotten choked up and I realized, she is not even phased. I also realized that I was sad about parts that were not even happening in the movie because of my Social Work background from college that I had been thinking about worse things than what was even actually coming through onto the movie screen. This confirmed (ONCE AGAIN) for me that Social Work was not an avenue for me to pursue.

We had our Thanksgiving with the family celebration that night and my brother and his family came over. It was great spending time with my three beautiful little nieces. I miss them so much and their love and their innocence. It feels so good to be a part of their lives. Luckily I have managed to impress Daisy (the youngest) just enough so that she remembers who I am and smiles every time she sees me. This was only the third time that I have gotten to see her since she was born and I was happy that I was able to hear her say "Uncle Justin, I love you!"

On Wednesday I made my friend Allie be ready by 930 AM so that we would be able to get in some good QT with one another before heading on to other correspondences. Allie lives in NY and we are closer in proximity than any of my other friends but for some reason when we are both in Charlotte at the same time it is easier for us to meet up when she has no car, and I am borrowing my mother's. Interesting.

We had a lot of fun catching up and I had mentioned to her that one day I might want to start my own company and she said that she would work for me. I still smile thinking about when I used to work with her and we were both salespeople but I would talk to her like I was her manager. She hated it. She would roll her eyes at me and sigh. I think this is why we became friends.

I went over to Lindsey's house next. We got to spend an ample amount of time exhausting our efforts in trying to help figure out one another's lives. This is typically the case with Lindsey and I. We have been friends since high school, suffered/endured many ups and downs and always managed to bounce back from it. I was glad that we were able to get in this time before meeting up with a few high school alums for drinks that night.

In the midst of this transition I met Natasha at the Penguin. It was loud as hell, and made me remember that Charlotte, unfortunately is NOT a NONSMOKERS world. People sat on both sides of us at the bar smoking. One guy lit his cigarette, smoked half of it down and then left it in the ashtray, lit, with the smoke wafting straight into my secondary smoking nostrals. It was gross. It made me happy to think about returning to Boston where you cannot smoke indoors. I forget how pleasant it is until venturing to these Smoke friendly environments.

Meeting up with my class of 2000 alums was very fun and quite entertaining. I had randomly posted an invite for everyone on the class page. Just a casual gathering of whoever was interested and whoever was in town. Could be big, could be small, no big deal.

It turned out to be a larger crowd than I had originally intended and I was pleased with the turnout. People were thankful that I had planned it but I really felt as though I had made no such efforts. They were also thankful that I was taking initiative to plan our reunion which was really interesting to see and made me feel a lot more confident about taking on such a large task.

It was a great end to a short-lived homecoming.

The next morning I spent with my parents sitting at Dean and Deluca before heading to the airport to head back to Home #2 aka Beantown.

2010G-Card

My friend Mike gives me such a hard time about wanting a boyfriend so badly. He is always saying that he doesn't understand why it has to be the "Be All, end All" and why can't people just be happy being single.

I've done enough. I've seen all I want to see. Trust me. I can call it quits for now.

I think it is silly how there are all of these gay men out there that are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and up and they don't show any signs of slowing down any time soon. Is this what my gay future has to offer? I'm tired now and I'm only 27. I can't imagine how I will feel when I am that age.

When I talk to my friend I can tell that he is completely satisfied with the idea of not settling down anytime soon. That is fine. But for me. This is what I want, and I want it right now. I want to find someone that I click with immediately. I want to settle into a relationship fast but so fast that it was effortless to get through. I want things to come naturally and not feel so planned out or orchestrated.

I met this guy for a date and the date was awful. I think it was because I had not been on a date in so long that I was nervous. He seemed nervous too. But knowing me and my self-consciousness I had a hard time differentiating his anxiety from his disinterest. I felt like he was either afraid of me (which is not good) or that he was just so completely not interested in me.

This is the part I hate about dating. It is that time in the date (typically the beginning stages of a night that has yet unfolded) when there are no boundaries. It is best to get out early. At least that way I have time to make it home and order a pizza and cry throughout an entire episode of Grey's Anatomy. But no, you sit through it and it gets worse and worse. This is the worst kind of date to be on because you are thinking two things in your head the entire time and having to keep up with both thoughts while the other person is giving you nothing to work with.

He asked me lots of questions, which meant that I did most of the talking. When it is right, it's right, and in this case it did not seem so. I'm not a question asker. I actually hate asking questions. Well. I take it back. I love to ask questions. But only if it is something that is really intriguing. I don't think that you can really find out or know that much about someone by asking them simple questions like "how many brothers and sisters do you have?", or "So you grew up in Charlotte and were there your whole life?"

I mean. This is dumb.

He kept asking me questions so much so that by the time we got on the topic of gay marriage I should have just ended the date myself and called dominos right away. It was all downhill from here.

When it comes to gay marriage I sound so bitter and awful that I wouldn't want to date myself.

So that was done.

It is exhausting to think that this was the last real date that I had. It seems like nobody wants to just date and be friends and see where things go. It was as if on that date that we had both had too high expectations and that we were both getting nervous about nothing. We had no connection. So I was not upset when we ended it.

I with I knew how to not be so awkward. In that moment there is a sense of rejection even though the feeling was mutual among the two of us. Why can't we both be so brazen as to say to one another, "Hey dude, lets just be friends and see where it goes, later buddy!"

Simple as that.

In other news I am still longing for someone to come sweep me off my feet. Its getting colder outside and the timeline is getting shorter for having a permanent man to kiss even without the mistletoe. I have gone so far as to start joking about turning in my gay card by the end of the year but I am only half joking.

I read some articles a while back about how couples in England (I think) were straight women that married gay men. They collectively agreed to have/raise children together but to have separate sexual lives apart from one another otherwise. There is something to be said about the importance of companionship. I think it would be nice to raise a child with a girlfriend of mine that I was close to. I think finding something like that might even make me feel more loved than how I feel when I am out on my own searching for it.

We shall see what 2010 brings to the table.