Oh My Gosh

He's makin' eyes at me and I don't mind, at all.

I've been getting back into the Basement Jaxx lately. Mostly when working out at the gym. Their music makes me want to flip my shit and lose it all over again.

Here's my suggestion for a Basement Jaxx playlist, in the following order...

Rendez-Vu

Red Alert (Jaxx Club Edit)

Romeo

Oh My Gosh (Jaxx Club Edit)

Do Your Thing

Where's Your Head At (Radio Edit)

Jus 1 Kiss (Boris Dlugosch and Michi Lange's BMR Digitised Re-Edit)

Get Me Off (Jaxx 2002) Radio Mix

Romeo (Acoustic Version)

Yo-Yo (this is the song that started it all for me...)

What's a Girl Gotta Do? (feat. Paloma Faith)(Newest STUFF!)

This will ensure a great workout...trust.

Now I am off before I look at the clock again and realize that I have been sitting at the computer posting stupid playlists for all of you fat asses waiting for someone to listen and actually download and then work it out at the gym.

Hollaback.

Feverish

I feel funny. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and yet my room was pretty cold compared to what I set the temperature at before heading to bed. I don't know if I have a cold. I did not have a fever. Maybe it means the fever was breaking? Its still a pretty gross feeling.

Yesterday I had the entire day off. I was planning on doing all of this great shit like running errands to get some new jeans altered, getting a shave and a haircut, and making sure I had a great workout at the gym. None of that even happened.

I got a phone call from my Mom at like 8AM but didn't mind since I was already half awake and hadn't spoken with her in a while. We talked for a bit but when our conversation was over I was wide awake and it was only 830 in the morning. I figured I would start the day at the gym and then proceed with everything else. My workout lagged because the gym was empty. I am definitely a people watcher and I become overwhelmingly melancholy when there is nobody else working out worth looking at.

So I did not give it everything I had. Also, I usually try to eat before working out but wanted to get out of the house instead of wasting away the day so I skipped this step leaving me without any kind of energy to exhaust.

Towards the end of my "working out" a guy that I had a date with a couple weeks ago walked in and it was not a good date so I thought, "shit, now I have to figure out how to escape". I waited for him to have an ample amount of "changing time" in the locker room and as I walked towards the locker room to leave I caught a glimpse of him by the free weights and added a pep to my step as to not be seen.

I was lucky to escape the clutches of a very awfully uncomfortable situation.

I went to starbucks afterwards when in actuality I should have drank a bottle of water and had myself a protein shake. Instead I chose an iced latte and their new huevos rancheros whole wheat wrap. It is not the best.

I walked to my barbershop in the freezing cold only to find that it was closed. No note on the door, no signs of life at all. I walked home and realized that in New England you should NEVER assume that you do not need gloves and a hat. This is a realization I make and try to learn every year but for some reason I just cannot get it through my head.

When I got home I spent the rest of the day trying to warm up. I was so cold.

I began to feel feverish and sick but when I took my temperature it was only 99 degrees. What a waste I thought. To feel somewhat feverish but not even really be sick.

So I spent the day laid up in bed. I skipped all of my errands and watched Kathy Griffin's stand up on my computer for the entirety of the afternoon.

I decided to try the yoga class at my new gym that night since I did not wish to waste away the entire day.

Yoga was a bust. The teacher had an accent and sounded just like Celine Dion I could not understand what she was saying, which was not even the worst part about her. The reason I enjoy yoga so much is because you are free to do what feels good. Do the pose if it feels good, don't do it if you can't. Try your hardest but be kind to yourself. Anyway, she was very forceful and controlling and I was not a fan of this teaching method. She commanded people to stop looking into the mirror. She called me out on three different occasions. Once for looking in the mirror (for the record she told the class to make sure that their knees were positioned correctly to not add stress on this or that, so how else was I supposed to verify?), the second time I had raised my left arm up from where it had been sitting on my hip because I was ready to take the full pose; she stated clearly for the entire class "I did not say to lift the left arm up, this is when your mind is not being centered and you are not paying attention to the practice"

She was so annoying. I swear the class only lasted for 30 minutes and it was such a waste.

Then we cut to a full night of sleep waking up to a pool of sweat all over my entire body.

This is weird. Lets move on.

I hope it can only get better from this...

Thanksgiving in the Carolinas

My Thanksgiving trip home was one of the best and favorite visits home yet. I was pretty much booked solid from the time I landed. We headed over to Aunt Glenda's straight from the airport for an early Thanksgiving feast. I got to see my cousins and extended family and it was nice but a bit overwhelming as I might have preferred to sit for a bit with just my parents after arriving but nonetheless I was thankful for the family time.

Then we made the trek home to Sun City where my parents now live. They have really made a home for themselves out there which was made quite evident from the glorious light display that my father, aka "Clark Griswold" had constructed in the front and back yards. It was heartwarming to see, especially after my sister-in-law had emphasized to me "They are REALLY glad that you are home!"

Sunday night I just chilled out. I was exhausted. I had been working NONSTOP leading up to this "vacation" (if you could call it that - since I was on the go the ENTIRE time!) and I needed to rest a bit.

The next day I started with a cup of joe from Dean and Deluca (OF COURSE!). This was ONE of many trips to the D&D. I had brought home with me two pairs of jeans to have altered at my favorite alterations shop. I knew the owner and have a girl there that I trust to alter my jeans. Having someone that you can trust to touch your denim is VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

After getting my jeans taken care of I got a phone call from my buddy John and told him that I was gonna come pick him up and make him check out a possible reunion venue with me.

The venue was AMAZING, but the details are "more to come..." once those reunion plans start falling into place.

After that John and I made our way to Tega Cay/Fort Mill to meet his BF for lunch. Then we stopped by to say hello to my mom and give her a hug and kiss.

From there I headed over to Ronna's to check out her new house. It was crazy to me that she got it for under 200,000. (Hope she doesn't mind me blogging that out!) but the fact that someone that is my age owns a house that is two stories (and i think even has a basement) and a back yard, and a driveway, and a porch, and some other shit too, and yet here if I was to buy something for 150-200K it would be some hole-in-the-wall piece of shit. They would call it "Historic", "Rustic", or "Cute", which would basically translate to "old", "dirty", and "small".

Then we headed over to the mall to check out my old work crew, and then made our way down the street for happy hour. My friend Jamie happened to call in the meantime and said she had something that she was embarrassed to ask but that she would just come right out and say it. I figured that it was some embarrassing gay question but was confused why she would ask something like that when I haven't seen her in forever. Instead she admitted to being a HUGE twilight fan and asked if I would want to see New Moon. Since I am a proud card carrying member of TEAM JACOB I agreed.

I left my work crew to meet Jamie just in time for the movie. We had about 5 minutes to talk and catch up before the movie started which led to Jamie jabbing me with her elbow throughout the entire movie because I had a hard time containing my emotional outbursts every time that Jacob showed up on camera. It is really hard to believe that the kid is only 17 years old.

Regardless my first day was action packed to say the least. The second day I spent with my parents. I cooked and prepped our Thanksgiving side dishes and dessert in the kitchen with my mother in the AM and in the afternoon we went to see "The Blind Side". The movie was tear-jerkingly emotional to say the least. I could hardly contain myself throughout the duration of it. At one point my mom looked over at me cause I had gotten choked up and I realized, she is not even phased. I also realized that I was sad about parts that were not even happening in the movie because of my Social Work background from college that I had been thinking about worse things than what was even actually coming through onto the movie screen. This confirmed (ONCE AGAIN) for me that Social Work was not an avenue for me to pursue.

We had our Thanksgiving with the family celebration that night and my brother and his family came over. It was great spending time with my three beautiful little nieces. I miss them so much and their love and their innocence. It feels so good to be a part of their lives. Luckily I have managed to impress Daisy (the youngest) just enough so that she remembers who I am and smiles every time she sees me. This was only the third time that I have gotten to see her since she was born and I was happy that I was able to hear her say "Uncle Justin, I love you!"

On Wednesday I made my friend Allie be ready by 930 AM so that we would be able to get in some good QT with one another before heading on to other correspondences. Allie lives in NY and we are closer in proximity than any of my other friends but for some reason when we are both in Charlotte at the same time it is easier for us to meet up when she has no car, and I am borrowing my mother's. Interesting.

We had a lot of fun catching up and I had mentioned to her that one day I might want to start my own company and she said that she would work for me. I still smile thinking about when I used to work with her and we were both salespeople but I would talk to her like I was her manager. She hated it. She would roll her eyes at me and sigh. I think this is why we became friends.

I went over to Lindsey's house next. We got to spend an ample amount of time exhausting our efforts in trying to help figure out one another's lives. This is typically the case with Lindsey and I. We have been friends since high school, suffered/endured many ups and downs and always managed to bounce back from it. I was glad that we were able to get in this time before meeting up with a few high school alums for drinks that night.

In the midst of this transition I met Natasha at the Penguin. It was loud as hell, and made me remember that Charlotte, unfortunately is NOT a NONSMOKERS world. People sat on both sides of us at the bar smoking. One guy lit his cigarette, smoked half of it down and then left it in the ashtray, lit, with the smoke wafting straight into my secondary smoking nostrals. It was gross. It made me happy to think about returning to Boston where you cannot smoke indoors. I forget how pleasant it is until venturing to these Smoke friendly environments.

Meeting up with my class of 2000 alums was very fun and quite entertaining. I had randomly posted an invite for everyone on the class page. Just a casual gathering of whoever was interested and whoever was in town. Could be big, could be small, no big deal.

It turned out to be a larger crowd than I had originally intended and I was pleased with the turnout. People were thankful that I had planned it but I really felt as though I had made no such efforts. They were also thankful that I was taking initiative to plan our reunion which was really interesting to see and made me feel a lot more confident about taking on such a large task.

It was a great end to a short-lived homecoming.

The next morning I spent with my parents sitting at Dean and Deluca before heading to the airport to head back to Home #2 aka Beantown.

2010G-Card

My friend Mike gives me such a hard time about wanting a boyfriend so badly. He is always saying that he doesn't understand why it has to be the "Be All, end All" and why can't people just be happy being single.

I've done enough. I've seen all I want to see. Trust me. I can call it quits for now.

I think it is silly how there are all of these gay men out there that are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and up and they don't show any signs of slowing down any time soon. Is this what my gay future has to offer? I'm tired now and I'm only 27. I can't imagine how I will feel when I am that age.

When I talk to my friend I can tell that he is completely satisfied with the idea of not settling down anytime soon. That is fine. But for me. This is what I want, and I want it right now. I want to find someone that I click with immediately. I want to settle into a relationship fast but so fast that it was effortless to get through. I want things to come naturally and not feel so planned out or orchestrated.

I met this guy for a date and the date was awful. I think it was because I had not been on a date in so long that I was nervous. He seemed nervous too. But knowing me and my self-consciousness I had a hard time differentiating his anxiety from his disinterest. I felt like he was either afraid of me (which is not good) or that he was just so completely not interested in me.

This is the part I hate about dating. It is that time in the date (typically the beginning stages of a night that has yet unfolded) when there are no boundaries. It is best to get out early. At least that way I have time to make it home and order a pizza and cry throughout an entire episode of Grey's Anatomy. But no, you sit through it and it gets worse and worse. This is the worst kind of date to be on because you are thinking two things in your head the entire time and having to keep up with both thoughts while the other person is giving you nothing to work with.

He asked me lots of questions, which meant that I did most of the talking. When it is right, it's right, and in this case it did not seem so. I'm not a question asker. I actually hate asking questions. Well. I take it back. I love to ask questions. But only if it is something that is really intriguing. I don't think that you can really find out or know that much about someone by asking them simple questions like "how many brothers and sisters do you have?", or "So you grew up in Charlotte and were there your whole life?"

I mean. This is dumb.

He kept asking me questions so much so that by the time we got on the topic of gay marriage I should have just ended the date myself and called dominos right away. It was all downhill from here.

When it comes to gay marriage I sound so bitter and awful that I wouldn't want to date myself.

So that was done.

It is exhausting to think that this was the last real date that I had. It seems like nobody wants to just date and be friends and see where things go. It was as if on that date that we had both had too high expectations and that we were both getting nervous about nothing. We had no connection. So I was not upset when we ended it.

I with I knew how to not be so awkward. In that moment there is a sense of rejection even though the feeling was mutual among the two of us. Why can't we both be so brazen as to say to one another, "Hey dude, lets just be friends and see where it goes, later buddy!"

Simple as that.

In other news I am still longing for someone to come sweep me off my feet. Its getting colder outside and the timeline is getting shorter for having a permanent man to kiss even without the mistletoe. I have gone so far as to start joking about turning in my gay card by the end of the year but I am only half joking.

I read some articles a while back about how couples in England (I think) were straight women that married gay men. They collectively agreed to have/raise children together but to have separate sexual lives apart from one another otherwise. There is something to be said about the importance of companionship. I think it would be nice to raise a child with a girlfriend of mine that I was close to. I think finding something like that might even make me feel more loved than how I feel when I am out on my own searching for it.

We shall see what 2010 brings to the table.

Let's Get Unconscious, Honey

This blog is called bedtime stories because it is one of my all time favorite Madonna songs and videos. I love the surrealism in the video version of the song and I love the background vocals chanting "Let's get unconscious, honey". It sings praises of the unconscious and it speaks out on how useless words can feel at most times. No matter how much talking we seem to exhaust our efforts on there are many times when our words seem to fall flat without meaning or cause.

"Today is the last day that I'm using words...they've gone out, lost their meaning, don't function anymore..."

That is how I feel today. I got a phone call from someone at work today that had misinterpreted an email that I had sent. They perceived this email to have an aggressive and/or abrasive tone when in fact it was in no sort meant with such intent. During our (seemingly pointless and one-sided) phone "conversation" (the quotations are assuming that a conversation is held between TWO consenting adults and not just one) I was unable to get a word in edgewise in order to defend my point of view via original email. It was not very fair. I felt like my words were useless so I chose to use none. If utilizing my words was not being effective, then I opted to use none in order to get the mission accomplished. The mission was to make it a point not to send emails as such and the lesson learned was to just pick up the phone and call instead.

I hate bearing the blunt of someone else's misgivings. It feels as if this anger that was evoked from the email was not solely based on the power of my one single email. It must have been a conglomerate of issues that had built upon one another.

I mean when you think about it...this would have meant that my email held way more power than I had ever originally intended. I think that it is funny, this emailing back and forth. You learn early on from online dating and chatting that your words or phrases can quickly be read in the totally wrong context. It is frustrating and you feel as though your lesson has been learned. We obsess over and over about our emails before actually pressing send. We read them to one another. We delete the entire thing and start over again. We even go as far as to save a rough draft and revisit this email later.

So with that said, one would think that you might recognize this delicate and sensitive form of communication and not take it too seriously when read in the wrong manner.

I don't get it.

Today is the last day that I'm using words...

Ol' Aunt Mullard

It would be pretty safe to say that two of my all time favorite relatives would be my Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred. As a child I stayed with them often (to my recollection) and every time I did it was a different kind of fun. I've mentioned before that my family is part whoopie cushion.

Needless to say, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Alvin are on the whoopie side of this coushion.

Their house was in desperate need of an update. There was nothing modern about it by any means. It was a ranch style house with laminate floors in the kitchen, a bumpy 70's style carpeting throughout the hallways and the living room and a furnace-style fire place in the middle of everything. You know, the kind that is circular and black and has tubing that goes up through the roof, you put coal or wood or whatever (I really don't know and can't remember) to use it. They had an old TV set that sat on the floor but was one that had wood built around it to make it look like furniture. I loved their living room. Even though they smoked cigarettes so religiously that my sweet Aunt Mildred sounded like that of Ebenezer Scrooge. Her voice was raspy. Every now and then it was almost weezy. She coughed if she spoke too much but she was one of the sweetest women I have ever known.

I can remember a big long stair case going from the back door of her house to the backyard. I remember a big (scary) dog that lived on the other side of the fence, even though it was only scary as a child and a dog that wouldn't harm a fly when I was older. I remember being in the backyard with Cousin John Arthur and playing Mother-May-I with Aunt Deborah. I remember John Arthur talking about how he missed his dad who was Aunt Mildred's Son. I remember him not really ever being around except probably 5 times in my entire childhood (which were probably not many more than the times that John Arthur got to see him either). I can remember John Arthur's anger and frustration when his father didn't show up to his own mother's funeral and I can remember being angry myself at John Arthur's father. I had a hard time imagining what kind of son wouldn't show up to his mother's funeral especially if his mother had been Mildred.

As a child I know I was one of her all time favorites. I was lucky to only ever catch the softer side of Mildred in my youthful bliss. It was Uncle Alvin that seemed to bear the blunt of most of Mildred's insults and yet in a way they were only insults of love.

During one of our many Thanksgiving gatherings my mother jovially asked Aunt Mildred if she was only giving Alvin a hard time because she loved him just so much, and under her breath she muttered, "Pshhh...Shit." We all smiled at one another but my mother let out a "woop!" and quickly scolded her by name, "Mildred!"

At family gatherings you could know when it was official that Aunt Mildred had shown up because the house was filled with the smell of her collard greens. She brought them to every single gathering that we had, it was always "her thing" to bring. I think she was probably one of the only ones to ever eat them, but regardless, she would never think of not showing up with a pot full of them on her next visit.

Aunt Mildred's biggest life lesson that she taught to me was this: "Jesus loves". Its an important one. It is simple and it is true. From an early age I can remember her trying to teach me the song, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...where?" The song goes on to utter lines such as "I've got the love of Jesus...down in my heart...where?" Mildred's heart was the biggest one I had ever known. She loved her family so much and I miss her often and wish that I would have known her as an adult.

Uncle Alvin was with us for some time after Mildred's passing. He married into our family when he married Aunt Mildred, but he was ours and we would claim him in any realm or respect. We loved him just as much as we loved Aunt Mildred. I can remember having dinner at my Aunt Deborah's house and giving Uncle Alvin a hard time about black people. He was from a different era, and I always found it fun to try to challenge his thoughts and views. We were having a discussion about how nobody at the table was racist. (In truth, if you have to make a point to discuss it, are you really NOT racist?) Regardless. I asked Alvin what he thought of me dating a black girl. (At the time my family didn't realize that I wouldn't be dating ANY girls, let alone a black one!) He huffed and puffed and sighed. He said, "Lord I hope I am dead in my grave before that happens!". We laughed because we could acknowledge how silly he was being.

There was a lot of fun to be had when Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred were around. I remember a time when I was staying at my Aunt Deborah's house and Mildred had called over there to speak with me and my cousin John Arther. Deborah tried to hand the phone to me and I pushed it away proclaiming, "I don't wanna talk to Ol' Mullard". Deborah laughs and laughs when she tells this story. I don't like to think about it. I don't like acknowledging there ever being a time when I didn't want to talk to Ol' Aunt Mullard seeing as how now I don't get the chance to.

She was full of old southern wisdoms and I'd give anything to have a little piece of that right about now.

Appalachia and the Hereafter

For my first two years of college I attended Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. If any of you have ever met me your first instinct would be to ask "what on earth led you to attend that school?"

At the time it was a venture to escape and a journey to set myself apart. My older brother had attended NC State and my older sister went to UNC-Chapel Hill. I did not want to follow in anyone of their footsteps. They were both very successful in school. My brother's smarts came naturally to him, he went on to accomplish his PhD in mechanical engineering and is now a professional smarty pants. My sister on the other hand struggled through out high school but made it a point to study hard and develop a strong work ethic through her studies making her very successful at a tough college as well.

And then there was me. I was always somewhere in between the two. Smarts came natural in certain academic efforts and if I had just tried a little harder in my studies I would have been what one would call VERY successful as well. Looking back I know very well that I did not give it my best effort. All of that fault is place upon myself in retrospect. I regretfully should have tried harder and I would be more proud of myself for completing college. Looking back I feel like it was just something that I showed up for and not something that I really put much effort in to and I regret it a lot. So much so that I reminisce about my days in Boone and wish wholeheartedly that I could just do it all over again.

I did not finish out my schooling at Appalachian State however, I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte which happened to be my Dad's alma mater, purely out of coincidence. Small town life was just not for me. I needed to find 24 hour CVS locations and restaurants that served liquor by the glass. I needed bigger and better.

On quiet days and nights off I miss the "luxuries" of Boone, North Carolina. The mountains and fall foiliage at your fingertips. In a day you could venture up the Blue Ridge parkway and find a little quiet spot and sit on a rock that overlooks all of God's beautiful creation. You can be alone. You can be quiet. You can pray. You can wish. I miss this feeling. This feeling of just you and no one else. In the midst of the most gorgeous mountains and landscaping.

There is also something I miss about being able to roll out of bed and walk into a restaurant like Boone Bagelry and order a Bagelicious on a Spinach Bagel for breakfast.

It is unfortunate that when you get out on your own and begin developing a career you realize that it would NEVER take you back to Boone. What else is going on in Boone? Nothing. That is the beauty and the downfall of the entire town altogether.

I miss it so. I realize that it was necessary to escape to pursue my great endeavors but oh how nice would it be to go back sometime soon.

Dear Happy Appie, I love you.