Bedtime Stories

NEW BLOG!!!

2011-09-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Check out my new blog about my transition in moving back home to Charlotte, NC from MA.

square1hereiam.blogspot.com

FOLLOW ME THERE !!!

Private Eyes

2010-10-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

Women ruin everything. For instance I was doing my routine day off errands today and popped in to Trader Joe's. Soon after walking in my eyes met with this bearded cashier. I was caught me off guard because I was in such a hurry and when he looked at me his eyes locked on to his target and they were very intense. Throughout my shopping he kept taking the time out from ringing people up to look over at me every time I came around the corner. I decided to take time to check him out in return. He was a nice looking guy. I tried to listen to him with his customers as I walked by and could tell he had a kind heart and a soft demeanor. He was wearing a short sleeve tee-shirt so I could tell he wasn't the most worked out guy but had a good solid build. Unfortunately he had some tattoos on each arm. Personally not my style but something I could over look for an actual date. This must be what my friends are telling me about. "Try meeting them in a normal way" when they insist that I will never find "the one" from online dating or bar hopping. I got nervous. I was nervous thinking about trying to strike up a conversation with him at checkout that may lead to me inviting him to dinner. I strategically pursued my shopping while eyeing the checkout lines and waiting for that opportunistic chance that his line might open up.

I became frustrated quickly as it turned out that he was apparently everyone's favorite cashier. Four lanes were open but people kept lining up in his. Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel and I made my move. He had only one person in his line and everyone else had two. He was halfway through ringing her up as I stepped in right behind. I thought for sure this plan was solid. He made some immediate eye contact that made me almost uncomfortable because now I was only steps away from him but I thought to myself "Don't back down, shoot him those piercing baby blues". I tried to meander a little mutual in return yet much to my dismay in my nervous fit of looking around acting as though I was aloof my eyes locked with the one cashier lady that motioned for me, "Sir, I can take you over here". Dammit!

I was so outraged but had to play this one off something cool as I made my way to her checkout line and made sure to let my shoulders seem sunken. When I reached her destination I sighed to let her know I was frustrated and the more thought I had given I became angrier and angrier. I saw multiple customers walking up right behind me and realized that timing was only seconds away from working out in my favor had I not made eye contact with her I was moments away from another pushy TJ's customer making their way to her line before me.

This cashier was also the same woman who had stood by while I waited in a line of four deep holding one of the heaviest baskets any of my visits to Trader Joe's had ever seen while only one cashier was on duty. It made me think of all the times I have been into that particular Trader Joe's and wondered why this seemed to be the only store that did not hop to when trying to get all customers serviced and checked out in a timely fashion.

I was outraged by the inconsistency in their level of service but realized how it might sound if I complained. While she was ringing up my items (and she was quick - as if she couldn't wait to get me the hell out of there) I took a moment to look back at my momentary crush of a cashier who was unsurprisingly staring right back at me from his eyes to mine. I figured "what the hell?" On my way out I would give it a go and say "Have a great day" in a neighborly fashion and at least see if this might muster a smile for confirmation of the flirtation that had just taken place.

Unfortunately when I walked by he was elbow deep into some soccer mother's shopping cart of weekly supplies and did not give me one last eye kiss on my departure of the grocery. I wish I had refused her offer to ring me up, "No thank you, I'm not interested." I could have told her that I didn't mind waiting and that my basket was heavy and I would just stay put. Maybe I will get another chance on a different visit but today's experience surely was not my victory.

Insults to Injuries

2010-08-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

This time baby I'll be bulletproof. That's how I felt on my last visit home. Looking back its as if I have all these war wounds that have now made me the person I am today.

I'm nearing my three year anniversary in New England and each time I go home I am less and less tempted to ever move back. I miss my family and close friends, don't get me wrong. But the bible belt is intense. To call it a different way of life would belittle its varied array of misgivings. Morals, outlooks, and beliefs are held in such different regards. The underlying theme is Christianity. Okay. That's cool. I like that. But then it becomes something that you wear upon your sleeve. When I lived there and during my adolescence I thought, this is how you know that you believe because you are shouting from your rooftops all of your personal beliefs and putting your "personal" relationship with JC out there for everyone to see. This is what made it real.

So I thought.

This last homecoming trip something clicked. It was different. I met up with a few friends that I grew up with going to Church with and it was interesting that during both reunions within the first 5 minutes they had brought up church. Either mentioned their own church, referenced the church that we had grown up going to, or asked me if I had found a church yet. I realized that it had been nearly 2 and a half years since I had a conversation with someone (other than my parents) in which I was cornered about my involvement in the church. It seems like no one around here really brings up the topic on purpose, although every now and then it will come out. But it is only matter of fact. It is never in protest or to boost one's self-image. It is just a thing. Its not the ONLY thing either.

It is hard to tell how extreme the bible belt really is in comparison since there are so many of the catholic and jewish faith in this area.

It wasn't just this religious epiphany that made me not miss my hometown quite as much, it was a multitude of other instances that took place during the course of that weekend.

As mentioned before my Boston buddies had flown into town to meet me. We had made plans to attend the Beer, Bourbon, and BBQ fest for the second year in a row. Although this year we had brought along an additional Boston buddy and the weekend did not play out as one might have hoped. He was pushy and aggressive all weekend long. He fought back about every item that we had on our itinerary (or lack thereof). The originals had come to Charlotte to see my previous pathways. They were hoping to follow in some of my footsteps, see the things that I had grown up with and the places I had frequented. We definitely did not have on our radar wild nights out on the town in Charlotte, North Carolina. The new addition, however, did. He had conjured up this idea that going out on the town in Charlotte would be a fun excursion for all of us. He neglected the fact that two our of our four barely drank or went out and that two nights out on the town in a row in addition to a day of drinking at the beer and bourbon fest might have just knocked the wind out of them. He also paid no attention to the fact that the gay crowd in my hometown is one of the most miserable and pathetic bunch of a-holes and what that might feel like for me to have to spend more time around them than I would ever like to for the rest of my life. He was inconsiderate and rude. He has this way of making others feel bad when he is the one that wants to go against the grain. This trip really helped solidify for me things that I had felt brewing between us. No drama whatsoever, just an inkling that this guy was just not the type of friend I was hoping for in my collection of long term friends.

On our second night out I was miserable. My fault. I get it. I am the owner of my own destiny.

So I bumped into this guy Josh that I had been friends with in college. We had originally met on a date and I ended the date with a "we'd be better as just friends". We hung out often but it was always some sort of awkward. He might have had too much to drink and when dropping me off at my apartment would ask "should I come up?"

Dude. No.

So on our second nights' outing we bumped into Josh. We were at the bar that was formerly known by another name (As most ill-financially planned gay bars are) and I was already subject to the reminiscing of good times gone bad from my past immature misadventures in Gay Charlotte. I introduced him to my friends and in typical Charlotte Gay fashion he said hello to them with his hands. He touched their chests and he touched their arms saying "so nice to meet you". It was one of the most disgusting displays I have ever seen. I let it slide the first few times but then pestering Josh listened in to our conversation of where we might go to next. I made it a point to tell the boys not to let him in on our destination but much to my dismay Josh overheard us regardless. Sure enough he was at the next (and more than likely only other open gay bar on a Saturday night in Charlotte, North Carolina). I was standing with New Addition, One Original Boston Buddy and Josh when Josh began talking to New Addition with his hands again. He was commenting on New Additions tattoos or something like this grabbing onto his bicep along the way. I stepped back and said "You know, Josh, I'm sure [New Addition] would prefer if you wouldn't fondle him as you speak"

Josh took a moment to pause. Stepped back away from me and looked me up and down. Immediately I fell back in time to the days when I lived in Charlotte. I regressed and realized that I understood what was about to take place since I was highly educated on the primal rituals of the Charlotte Gay Male. I prepared myself and told him, "Go ahead Josh, look me up and down and figure out what you want to say about me," and he did...

"I thought you were all into fitness, but what are you pregnant?"

As soon as the words registered in my mind, without pause I stepped in to him. New Addition and Boston Buddy Original excused themselves silently as they understood what was about to transpire.

"You know what.
Josh.
I didn't say shit.
about you.
that was so ridiculously uncalled for.
whenI did
NOTHING to cut you down.
that's why I am glad to be done with this miserable town.
all that you miserable Charlotte fags want to do.
is cut one another down.
when what you should be doing is helping each other out.
(at this point Josh tried to put his hand on my shoulder, and started with "I'm sorry, I didn't mean...")
No. get your fucking hand off of me and get the fuck out of my face.
you charlotte fags can stay here being fucking rude to one another cause I'm done with you miserable assholes.

I left him speechless.

Id like to think that after 2 years of being in Massachusetts some of their flair for the dramatic has worn off on me. I know for sure that I would have never had the audacity to tell someone off that way before moving away from Charlotte. It felt good to call him out.

Thats how the gay "community" down there behaves. They either are caddy because of years of Designing Women reruns or they are all incestuously trampy with one another. Its as if they have only seen gay people in movies or TV shows and that is their only source for knowing how to act.

You would think in a place like the bible belt that as the strap gets tighter, loop by loop a small subculture like the Charlotte Gays might come up with a better strategy for sticking together rather than adding insults to injury (literally!).

Baby I'm a Star

2010-08-06T08:04:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned before I am so frustrated and tired of yearning and waiting to be someone's sloppy seconds when I'd rather be their just desserts!

About a year ago I got a message from this guy Craig on one of my dating sites (we will refer to them as dating sites to make things easier for all of us). He messaged me and commented on how handsome he thought I was. I was in shock. He was the dreamboat that I had be thinking of since first realizing my boytraction from early on. Brown hair, brown eyes, he's italian but not guido. His smile alone could melt my heart. He is a total smoke show to say the least.

So we emailed back and forth for a bit. We even became friends on Facebook. I usually don't like to do things this way because more often than not once you see a guys facebook it is all down hill from there. Not the case for Craig. I enjoyed his posts. I found them to be witty and insightful. We had the same "likes" and "dislikes". Attraction was confirmed.

and then...

Craig ***** updated his status to "In a Relationship"

He started seeing someone. This was before he and I had met in person. Before you knew it his facebook was overloaded in pictures of THEM together. We met online in November so of course his pictures were holiday themed. THEM at a tacky sweater party, THEM at a black tie dinner, and THEM getting on my very last nerve. These were the dates that Me and Craig were supposed to be going on TOGETHER. I deleted his 'friendship' without hesitation. This was evil and I wanted no part. I moved on and pushed him way out of my mind. The biggest part that had bothered me was that it had been him that first approached me which is rarely ever the case. The only guys that approach me first are either of the following three if not a combination of two or more; fat, old, ugly. He was none of these.

A few months passed and low and behold I see him back on the same website that we had met before. I emailed him. We connected. I asked if he was single and he admitted that his BF had cheated, so they broke up.

I couldn't help but to feel vindicated. I don't like this feeling, but I felt vindicated he had dated this guy instead of trying me out for size and this little asshole cheated on him. Craig is sweet, handsome...I just don't get why someone would cheat on him, but I did have a thought of "that's what you get, fool!"

That is what you get for not chancing it with me. His dating profile states that he is looking for guys that "DO NOT PLAY GAMES". I am anything but that. After our initial email reunion I asked him to go to dinner. He put me off. Busy this week, how about the next? This went on for two weeks because typically for guys like this I can only allot a two week notice. I give strangers that I meet from online a two week window to book the first date and after that I completely lose interest. Call it my pride, call it self-worth, but take a picture sweetie, cause I ain't got time to waste!

You might not know it now, but baby you'll find out...

August 12th

2010-08-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

"If you are still available and are interested I would love to get together sometime after August 12th". That's what this kid said to me after we haven't seen or spoken to one another in who knows how long. I thought it was odd. "Uh, okay," I said uneasily, "what happens after August 12th?" I figured he would admit to being a shit. I also assumed that this was somehow or another the official date that he would be done with his boyfriend.

Let me back peddle a bit here. See, it is not that he actually HAS/HAD a boyfriend of sorts. When we first met he told me that he had "Someone". When asked he did not admit to this person being a boyfriend. He even admitted to there not being a future there but insisted that I "understand his situation". Um, No. If you want me you want me. Moving on...

You could call him a "Missed Connection" success story, or then again I guess you could not. That is how we met. We both checked each other out at the gym. Both of us were too chicken shit to speak to one another (well...I take it back. I said goodbye to him as he left the gym but then he coward with his tail between the legs when he mumbled goodbye in return). He posted the missed connection and much to your UNsurprise I had been checking the site religiously after I got home. I just KNEW that night was MY night and sure enough he posted. I replied. He replied. I replied again. "Wow that was fast," he mentioned. We admitted to having a mutual interest. We could not decide who's was stronger, and yes, we even argued.

We decided to meet for dinner that night, after finishing our separate workouts. We had, what I would normally refer to as, a GREAT FIRST DATE. We had the same interests for the most part. The things he said that got on my nerves were things that I would stomach for at least a second or even third date.

But then it got awkward.

Even though I had NEVER seen this guy at the gym before, OF COURSE now I saw him every night of the week. On our first date I had been aggressive in trying to book the second date. I'm a firm believer in "Act now, or forever sit at home alone". He said that he had a prior engagement and would not be able to make it but come Friday night he was at the gym with his workout partner. I tried to hurry through my workout and when he stopped me for chit chatter I tried backing out. Then he came and found me in the remote part of the gym where I was finishing up. "If you aren't doing anything after..." He invited me to grab a burrito next door and then much to my dismay invited along his (what I later came to know as Chatty Kathy) workout partner. He did not stop talking the entire time and gave me and this guy NO TIME to get to know one another. This was pretty much the last time that we saw one another outside of the gym. Since then there have been random texts.

I think it is incredibly obnoxious that I have to wait for everybody else to make up their minds. I have to wait for people to decide that they would actually give me a shot (after the other guy falls through). Well I will tell you this much fellas...I'm not gettin any younger, and I sure as shit ain't gonna sit on my ass and wait for boys who play with toys. Instead I'll be looking for the man with the plan!

You can take August 12th and go shove it up your pie hole.

Fizzy Lifting Drinks

2010-05-23T08:07:00.001-07:00

Hold your breath,
Make a wish,
Count to three...

I feel as though yesterday I was a just a child sitting in our recreation room watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on a television that was built into a box of wood. The knobs on the set pulled out and turned to adjust the picture and every movie began by declaring that it was filmed in "Technicolor". When I was 8 years old it seemed like I had my whole world ahead of me and anything was and would be "possible".

Twenty years later reality has set in and bitch-slapped me across the face with its backhand. It is a harsh and cold truth when you wake up and realize that more than likely it will take you much longer than you had originally anticipated to accomplish what you originally had dreamt of being possible. When it is all said and done, most of us will be considered lucky if we manage to accomplish half of what it is we had dreamt of when we were younger. Things like "becoming a "firefighter", or a "veterinarian" were much easier said than they are done. Did we even know what these things were? I guess we had these dreams of rescuing children and cats from burning houses and really tall trees. The hopes of becoming a veterinarian must have overlooked the sadness of putting other people's beloved family pets to sleep and taking away actual members of their family. The motives were right: help others, be kind to women and children, take care of animals; but reality told us that we needed to actually make some money.

The closer to 30 that I get I am realizing that most (if not all) of what I had hoped to accomplish is incomplete and barely even started. Write a book. Own a business. Be in better shape. These things are just barely on my radar as we speak.

At 25 I thought that on my thirtieth birthday I would like to hire a photographer to do a self portrait photo shoot because I had hoped to be in the best shape of my life. No nude pictures or anything like that and not even pictures with my shirt off. Just something to commemorate what I would plan on being a great time in my life. Now, one and a half years away from 30 I feel as though I am in the worst shape of my life and currently hate the way I look in MOST pictures. So much for that idea.

While making my way towards becoming an adult I have never quite learned how to put any sort of money aside. I signed up for keep the change with BOA and yet I seem to have a habit of logging in every couple of days and transferring that money to my checking account in order to prevent any overdraft possibilities. I set a recurring draft of $30 to my savings account every pay day and yet I also seem to wait until the last minute to transfer that over pre-overdraft also. I have no savings. I have a small amount of credit card debt. I have just a little bit more to go on paying off my car. For the most part I life pay check to pay check and can't help but wonder "Am I an adult yet?"

Slowly inching my way towards 30, which is my new milestone age after surpassing "25" and "28" I am scared. I feel like Charlie when he and grandpa Joe drank fizzy lifting drinks and were inching closer and closer to the ominous fan blades that were anxiously anticipating their demise. "Grandpa look at me...I'm a bird, I'm a plane, I'm...I'm...I'm going too high!"

Getting older is really scary. It is odd to me that at 28 years of age I have two roommates (one 22 and one 24). At times I feel like their grandfather. Mentally I don't feel 28 and I definitely don't feel "almost 30". I don't know where this time went. The main time I do feel my age is when I go out to dinner with a friend and begin our night being optimistic for a night out on the town but then when dinner is over around 10PM my bed sounds like the best idea I have ever had. I can't believe I have reached a point in my life where I am absolutely content with staying home on a friday night and fully satisfied to be in bed by 11PM on a Saturday; EVEN when I have Sunday off!

It would be nice to reconnect with that childhood innocence that I once had. That time when dreams were never too big, and achieving your goals had no boundaries or limitations and anything was possible.

There is no life I know to compare to pure imagination.

Little Miss Connection

2010-04-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

I couldn't tell you which I think is more pathetic. Between my personal commitment to find a missed connection on Craigslist that has been posted about me or the lackluster posts themselves. People are dying to connect out there. Whatever happened to our guts and guile? Better yet...where did our balls go?

I know I can speak for myself that in my adolescence I was one of those people that pretty much threw themselves at the people that I had my eye on. I wouldn't say necessarily that I regret that behavior, but I can tell you for certain that it did not get me very far. Nonetheless it was fun.

i just got home from the gym. There was a cute younger guy (by younger, I mean closer to my own age than who typically checks me out at the gym). As soon as I walked by him doing lat pull downs his eyes were locked on me in the reflection on the mirror. I continued toward the locker room a bit confused because he was really cute. Then the analyzation began. How gay could he be? He has nice arms but a little softer in the midsection (then again, same as me). He had that cute puppy dog look that most younger gay guys have, but then again, maybe just another artsy Tufts student (they seem to run rampant in my neighborhood with their skinny jeans, tattoos, and handmade lesbian coffee ((see Diesel Cafe)). I couldn't tell.

I began my work out close by him. In order to do so I skipped any sort of a warmup and in turn I think I pulled two muscles. One in my shoulder, and one in my foot. All in a days flirtation.

He kept locking eyes with me and it wasn't just because I was staring back at him. The eye contact remained but there were no flirtatious smirks, no smiles of homosexual nature. I really was having a hard time reading this guy.

He continued looking me up and down through his and my workout. So much so that he awkwardly walked back into the locker room after passing me on my way in, while he was on his way out.

It made me think about missed connections. I was anxious to get home to check out craigslist and see if by some small chance he had posted. Then I realized that Craigslist takes forever and that if he had rushed home like a loser and posted right away then it would probably not register for a few hours regardless. I thought it was dumb. I mean granted, I am making something out of nothing, since he has not posted (hopefully, YET) and yet it made me think of all the other posts I have read on there. "You were working on arms at the gym today, you wore orange shorts, tell me what color mine were" I mean come on guys. Can't we grow a bigger set than this?

I have to say, if this was a post that involved me I wouldn't remember what color shorts I was wearing myself let alone what anybody else at the gym was wearing. I don't know about you, but when I am physically attracted to some one "fully clothed" is not how I choose to remember.

I just think of how much easier it would be if we turned up the flirtation knob a bit. I mean he was OBVIOUSLY checking me out. I would not have noticed him had he not began the flirtatious eye dance. When it is all said and done it makes me think that if someone doesn't have the courage to be the first to make a move in person then maybe they aren't worth pursuing at all.

Let it be known some connections are worth being missed...

Geese that Lay Gold Eggs for Easter

2010-04-22T03:07:00.000-07:00

Man. It has been one long ride since moving here over two years ago! I can't believe that much time has passed. Moreover I can't believe how much I have learned and grown since being here. This was seriously one of the best moves/decisions I could have ever made.

Six months before making the move to Boston I moved out of my parents house. I lived in a one bedroom (with den) apartment over 1,000 square feet and I lived alone. It was too good to be true. For Charlotte it was quite attainable. It just seems like that idea is out the window for as long as I should live in Massachusetts.

I currently have two roommates. One is moving out but another is moving in to take her place. This will be the 6th non-family person that I have shared a household with. It is what it is. When its good it can be really good. Yet, when its bad...well, you don't want to know...

This rat race for my adulthood independence seems as though it will never end. I mean, I know I'm only 28 years old but seriously, just like Veruca Salt declared "I WANT IT NOW!"

I am trying to force myself to be a little more dedicated to working on my book and I am writing a musical. These things can take years to finally wrap up and then who knows how long before publishing or production and actually seeing any profit from my work. But I guess that is what life is all about. You put all this work and effort into your day to day process only to reap smaller benefits in the beginning because of the anticipation of your payoff.

I am also trying to commit to more physical fitness. Before I left Charlotte I was in a pretty good routine and in some of the best shape I have ever been. I am slowly getting back to a point of satisfaction with my own body and it feels really good, especially since Summer is right around the corner.

I have a homecoming trip in the next few weeks and I am really looking forward to it. My Boston buddies are flying into town to meet up with me in an attempt to make Mother's day and the Beer and Bourbon festival an Annual occurrence. I can't wait. They LOVE LOVE LOVE Charlotte and make me see things in different ways when I venture home. It is always fun showing new people your old places. They definitely can make you appreciate things a little differently. In usual fashion I am giving myself a party. Not really as myself being the center of attention but just a reason for people to come and say hello before the boys get to town. Celebrating Cinco De Mayo and don't think there is a better reason to celebrate other than by way of Margaritas and Coronas with cilantro lime tacos. Mucho Gusto!

I know that the best things in life are free, and even if I did want to give them to the birds and bees. I will just have to wait (even if impatiently) to reap the rewards of the efforts I have put forth.

But in the meantime...where is my damn Golden Goose!!!

Spring Has Sprung

2010-03-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

OMG in full effect. To say that spring has sprung is by far an understatement. Judging from my trek home yesterday alone the boys have caught wind of a heavy and high spring fever! I stopped at the gym first and was checked out by two VERY handsome guys although they seemed to be a couple which was a bit disheartening but a compliment nonetheless.

While waiting to take the redline home from Central to Davis another guy waiting was scoping me out. It was one of those awkward checkouts though where you couldn't obviously tell whether or not he was or was not. It messes with your nerves because you know not whether to send out the vibes or to not make eye contact because he could either give you his number or decide to knife you for your wallet.

We sat across from one another on the train and I was about to give up when he got off at Harvard but when he stood to leave he looked directly at me and offered "Have a good night" with a nod and a wink.

I hurried out of the Davis square station in an effort to make it to Chipotle for a late dinner seeing as how it was 9:55 and they closed at 10PM. "Please be open, Please be open, please don't have put away all of your delicious ingredients" I thought to myself as I scurried in and out of the crowd inside the station. I made it just in time.

With burrito in hand I made my way home. I passed another handsome man that was also in a hurried effort. He glanced over at me and caught me mid-check out. I smiled and looked away, embarrassed (almost, but not really). He double took me himself and smiled back. We both continued checking each other out and I laughed out loud with flirtational intent. I shook my head. Not at him but more at myself. I find myself funny. It happens often. Whether you agree or not. I am a whole heap of laughs. You should be so lucky as to be a fly on the wall of my life.

Anyway. He kept doubling back to look at me as he crossed the street. He almost got hit by a Masshole but hey, that's what happens when the spring has sprung.

Somebody to Love

2010-03-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

Don't you want somebody to love? We all do. For the most part. I am starting to think maybe I am not capable of pursuing this. It is a possibility. I dated this guy for "a while" three weeks or so. Yeah, I know that is not a long time but it REALLY does not take me long to a) lose my attention and/or b) realize that nothing will come of it. This is a curse/gift that I have had since i first started dating.

I call it the "One Month Itch" because typically this is how long most if not all of the guys I have ever dated have lasted. This is what I refer to as a "long-term relationship" otherwise known to the gay community by website standard as an "LTR".

This last guy was a bit different. Things got kind of intense, kind of fast, because of very serious topics that were discussed in the preliminary stages of the getting-to-know-you process. I had very strong feelings for him but as many of my closest friends know I tend to let my mind wander and I think WAY too much about the what ever will bes, will bes and include all of the mights and maybes. It is dumb.

I picture these guys in the snapshots of my future. What do our Sunday mornings look like? What will we do on Christmas day? What will he look like when he shakes hands with my father? Will he take good care of my mother as if she were his own? What would he look like if he was holding one of my precious and adorable nieces?

Like I said, I give it way too much thought.

So I am over it.

I think that most people out there don't really think before they leap when it comes to the dating game. They just fly by the seat of their pants. Or. In most gay cases by the front of their pants. Either way. I am not that kind.

I talk to my friends. I talk to strangers. I meet people here and there and I realize. That we all just want somebody (something) to love. It is interesting to me to know people in real life and then you come across their dating profiles. You get to see their inner workings and whatnots and realize that they aren't so coldhearted and bitter afterall. The most handsome of men are still struggling to prove to the singles world that they are a catch. One guy I know has a headline that reads "NICE SEXY GUY HERE did I mention FUNNY?" That is the title of his profile. I find it interesting that he lowercased the words in between the materialistic description and that of the characteristic one. Its like he subconsciously separated the two in an attempt to make sure that people got the important parts of it "NICE SEXY" and "FUNNY".

As it turns out we are all just a bunch of pathetic losers sitting at home all alone on a Friday or Saturday night. We wish we had someone that would make us feel slightly guilty for eating an entire pizza or feel greedy for woofing down half (or a whole) carton of ice cream. Who knows if I will ever find someone with the stamina to keep my mind guessing what is next to come and make me want to wait long enough just to find out.

This most recent guy made me realize that I AM quite happy being on my own and if that is the consequence to being with someone that makes me feel less than my most best then I will take it.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Melt

2010-03-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

I don't think I like the word "melt" very much. It doesn't sound that great and it is almost as bad as "yeast" or "conjunctivitis". That is, I mean, as far as words go. I really don't like it. I also do not use this word on an ongoing basis and I doubt that many people out there choose to utilize it in everyday jargon either.

Yet on my most recent Facebook status update I posted this: "the rain would make me melt away so I will take a pass on this 5K". I was referring to the race that took place in my neighborhood yesterday. It was a simple and stupid post. But today when I got in to work I found an email from my long time customer crush asking, "What happened to you yesterday? Apparently you melt in the rain?"

This could not have been an ordinary coincidence could it? Are there really people out there that use the word "melt"? A friend at work commented on it saying, "Ah, your people are always using any old excuse to reference that Wizard of Oz shit". I thought it was hilarious but somewhat of an awkward musing. I don't even like Judy Garland. She is responsible for Liza Minelli.

I thought that surely he must have checked out my facebook profile in the meantime to find out that I did not run in the race. We emailed back and forth for a while and then I wrote back and asked "you must have seen on facebook that I did not run in the race?"

He said that he looked on the results postings and did not see my name listed.

This was a bit upsetting but then even still he noted that over 3,000 people ran in the race. Even though he did not stalk me out on facebook, he took the time to scan a list of 3,000 people looking for my name.

I don't know. This is a tough call. It is getting to be a bit much. I mean, a full twenty four hours went by and he could not wait to email and ask why he did not see me at the race.

It was raining really hard, I will have all you readers know. I have not done a 5K in quite some time and I had gone out for (not that many) drinks the night before so I wasn't feeling at my best. I had this feeling that if I ran in the rain (and it was cold and windy too) that I would get a cold. The weather has a way of messing with my system. So I bailed. BUT! I will have you know, that my friend called me first and he did not seem up for it either. We both agreed to back out. Then two other friends backed out and said that their friend was backing out also. This is four people BESIDES me that backed out of this race. If 3,000 others still ran in it then I can only imagine how many would have done it if it was not raining on that day.

I had mapped out this entire plan for race day. I was looking forward to not only challenging myself but also excited to see my crush in a context outside the realm of my work environment. Plus, leading up to the race he had offered to buy me a beer if the bars were not open bar as he had mentioned (which was pretty much a signing bonus for me to register for the race in the first place). So I missed out.

The back and forth emails followed suit today but then of course once things got to a certain point the emails ceased to continue. It was after I wrote and asked about facebook. Then I responded and said "That is so random. My facebook said that I would melt if I ran in the race." That is the one that I did not get a response to. We do this all the time. We emailed back and forth about 4 or 5 times today. All within 3-4 hours of each other.

Then it just stopped.

What am I to make of this?

IN OTHER NEWS...

In the meantime I am somewhat dating this guy that is a really great guy. For the last few weeks we have spent most of my free time together. But I have since grown tired of him all of the sudden. It is what I like to call the "One Month Itch". I get it every time. I start dating someone and then within a month's time my attention deficit rears its ugly head and I am over it completely. This guy is really sweet and he is almost everything I have ever thought I might want in a mate. I know that I don't have to decide right now what is to come of the two of us together but it is hard not for me to think of the long term and what the future may or may not hold, or more importantly what I would like the future to resemble.

Am I destined to be single for the rest of my life or will this one month itch slowly fade away?

Maybe I should just invest in a topical analgesic.

Danke Schoen

2010-02-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

As you may have already known. I have a sort of crush. It is on a customer of mine that keeps coming in to shop with me on a regular basis. This is not like any other customer that I have had. There is something quite different. We email back and forth. These emails include witty banter and verge on flirtation.

I still have not received SOLID confirmation that he is of the homosexual nature. I am pretty confident that there is something more there than meets the eye and I have been working on this situation to say the least.

It is hard because I think that when it is all said and done that we are both awful flirts when it comes to flirting with someone that we would or could actually care for. Either that or he is still in the closet. Which would suck because I have NO TIME for a charity case.

So here is how the weeks events began...

On Friday I got an email from him saying he would be in on Saturday or Monday. Of course this meant that on Saturday I kept an eye out for him all day long and he never showed. So when Monday morning rolled around I was excited to head to work because I knew that if he had not made it Saturday that today would be the day that he would grace me with his presence. Not so. He was a no show on Monday and my heart sank about three different spots. I figured I would give him some time, and then shoot an email to him to follow up and see what had happened. This is typical behavior of the email kind for us.

But when I arrived at work this afternoon I had one waiting in my inbox from him saying that he would be coming in this afternoon.

Now before I proceed let me just say that on Monday another pair of customers/friends had stopped by. A couple that I am friends with that I have looped in to my dating woes and dilemmas. I had mentioned this guy to them in the past and when they mentioned this upcoming race in Davis sq. I hopped at the opportunity for more reasons than one. First of all I have been wanting some race type goal to work towards to help motivate my fat ass up off of the couch and stick it to the cardio at the ol' gym routine. And in addition to this I figured that more than likely he would be there. I didn't realize it until I had already told them I would love to do it. They were excited for me and we plotted out all the great possibilities that could come of "bumping into" one another at this event.

So when he showed up today I mentioned the race to him. We talked about his trip to Costa Rica and he told me about how fun this race would be. He mentioned that although it is a real 5 K and everyone does compete that afterwards everyone crowds the bars of Davis Sq because if you have registered for the race then you get to drink for free. At one bar in particular he said upon entry when the race is finished they line the bar with cups filled with beer and you just go up and take one after the other. It that isn't enough incentive to run a damn race then I don't know what else it would take! Other than this Crush of mine being at the finish line with a beer in his hand!

As we finished our time together I mentioned, "Well, If I don't see you before then maybe I will see you at the race!" He added, "You should definitely do it," and I told him that if there was an open bar at the end of it then it would definitely be worth checking out. He thought about it and then added, "Well...If there isn't...pause...then I will buy you a beer, how about that?"

I can't help but think I am reading in to all of this entirely too much yet today's interaction made me feel like we made some real progress. I am trying to be patient with this and every other situation in my life.

This week I am feeling really good about everything. This interaction with my crush was icing on the cake to what has started off to be an incredible week. This morning at Starbucks I had the courage to ask that barista about her friend.

This is how it went down. She was at the end of the bar and we were talking and catching up. As we paused in between topics I started, "So, its Elizabeth, right?"

E. "Yeah, tell me your name again,"

J. "Justin,"

E. "Well, I am not going to forget it again,"

J. "Well you should remember my name, FAME,"

E. Laughs. "Exactly! I will definitely not forget it now,"

J. "So I have to ask you, and I feel totally hokey doing so; A few weeks ago there was a guy here, reading a book, and you joined him."

E. Thinking "Yeah...pause...Oh, yeah" as she remembered, "That was Ryan"

J. "Oh okay, Ryan...pause...yeah...pause...Ryan is cute"

E. Smirking and nodding, "Yeah, Ryan is cute, he is dating my roommate."

J. "Ryan is dating your roommate that doesn't do the dishes?"

I wanted to tell her that I do the dishes but my roommate Katie was standing right beside me (Part of the reason I had the courage to confront her) and I know she would have put me on blast cause I ain't never up in the kitchen doin' no dishes.

We continued the banter, which at that point was obsolete. She said that they were a cute couple, and I lied and said I was happy for them. She told me she would let me know if anything changed.

I held off on telling her that Ryan's eye wanders. I held off on voicing my opinion that it will be over soon and I would like to be next in line.

Katie comforted me saying that apparently there is a John Mayer song that indicates that I only have to wait until St. Patrick's Day and that is the national breakup time or something. Whatever. I can get into that. But hey, I tried. It is half the battle. Oh, wait, that is "knowing", knowing is half the battle, not trying. Well anyway, I tried. And I felt like I had halfway completed a battle. So there.

Its just like Ferris Bueller says,

Thanks You for the words of wisdom Ferris Bueller

RuBucks

2010-02-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have been to Starbucks every day since the Friday that I saw that guy there. I am obsessed. I have looked for him and I have looked for that particular Barista and neither of them have been there until today. The barista was there this morning. I had thought at first that I would initially need to establish her name once more. I have gotten it from her before but it was one of those in passing type situations where I had not intended on ever needing to recall it. So today I caught her at the register with another girl speaking her own name in third person.

"Elizabeth is always expected to do the dishes, but Elizabeth actually hates to do them". She was talking about her living arrangement with her roommates and I laughed and chimed in. I mentioned that I had the same situation and I said, you should tell Elizabeth that she has the choice not to do them. Then she admitting to being Elizabeth herself. Okay, name; Check. I thought this much was taken care of, now I just have to muster up the balls to ask about her friend in question from the Friday before.

Not so easily done as the line began to grow and the anxious decaffeinated fiends awaited for the baristas to orchestrate their caffeination.

I became quite nervous and walked over towards the window where I began to settle down. I folded my sweater atop of my chosen barstool, and I placed my cap and scarf along side my latte and cell phone. On my way to fetch my food order and a straw I met her at the end of the bar area where we continued our roommate conversation, laughing along the way. This was the perfect opportunity for me to say, "Oh, is that guy you were here with the other day one of your roommates?" but I did not. I clammed up. What has happened to me? Where is that boy that once never cared about what ANYONE thought?

Then I made my way over to my spot where Elizabeth and my paths crossed once more as she made her way to clean the windows. I ducked my head and continued towards my spot. I sat and enjoyed my coffee and within 10 minutes she was making her way around the store with a tray of cupcake samples asking each individual customer if they would like to try. I declined. This was now my fourth opportunity to initiate the "I like your friend" conversation and yet I failed once more to rise to the occasion.

It was the most conversation and interaction I have ever had with her since walking in to Starbucks in Davis Square. It kills me that I could not have planned it any more strategically and yet I avoided the "master plan" at all costs.

I am so scared. And of what? That is what one of my friends told me. What do you have to lose? NOTHING. So why can't I rise to the occasion?

Then I think about things that are important to me like taking care of my career and my finances before worrying about things like finding some date to go on. I think about getting myself in shape physically, financially and emotionally before even making attempts to find someone else to share myself with.

It is important to do so. Every time I get caught up in the search I always come back to something that RuPaul has always been known (at least, in my mind) for saying and believing in, and it is this; "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else?"

Can I get an Amen?

Brass in Pocket

2010-02-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

It's time to use my side-step and make you notice. I have this nagging fear of missing out. I fear missing out on great things that could be but would never happen unless someone takes this life by the balls and gives one big tug. I am scared of missing out on knowing what would have happened and this fear eats away at my thoughts unless I act. In lieu of this. I act out a lot. If you know me you understand what I am talking about. I take chances. I put myself out there. I live life loud, proud, and usually in the middle of a crowd.

In the last few months/years or whatever I have really tamed myself down. I guess because no matter how happy or sad we are we are always seeking ways to do things differently. We are always trying to see if maybe we act a certain way or just change one or two things that maybe this will be what brings about the changes we have been longing and hoping for in order to be fulfilled completely.

Most of the time these slight changes are unnecessary and miniscule compared to how much more happy we are with ourselves when we continue to be the person that has always made us so happy.

This morning a very handsome young gentleman caught my eye when I took my seat at Starbucks. I had to do a double take because he was attractive, and yet he was the one that seemed to be entranced by me. He held his gaze a few minutes longer than necessary and it became very apparent by way of slight smirks and quick glances away when caught staring that he was certainly interested in what I had to offer. I couldn't stop looking at him. I was trying to prove to myself that maybe he was not really that attractive. Maybe he was like secretly fat. You know. When a guy is sitting down and you can't tell then he stands up and it all falls out of the sides of his sweater. Nothing against a fatty but I am not a big fan of surprises. I was trying to watch to see if maybe he had an annoying laugh; maybe an uncontrollable lip spasm; or gross teeth. He turned out to be twice as cute when he laughed, and his smile could be deemed with that of Colgate esteem.

I kept thinking that I might grow a set and intro-seduce myself on the way out. Shake hands. Smile too much. Exchange numbers. By the time I had mustered up this effort a girl had come to join. It turned out to be my favorite Barista. She always makes extra efforts to take care of me. For instance just this morning she added an extra shot of espresso without charging me. We joked about it. Worst case scenario she is my backup plan.

You know I have been on Craigslist "Missed Connections" all day trying to act like any normal guy that I would be willing to date would actually post on there. It is probably best that he doesn't and that we find each other in other ways possible. I keep hoping that I bump into him at the gym later on today and that Davis turns out to be as small as I am hoping that it can be.

While staring flirtatiously back and forth at one another I reminisced about all the times I have put myself forward and made the first move. I'm tired of it. It gets exhausting and I feel like I get perceived as being too forward and too anxious. All the while I feel like if there is no result of an hour and a half of glances exchanged then it was a wasted effort.

Its time for me to get back to the basics of what made me who I am today. No more pussyfooting around the matter. Twenty-ten is the year of living out loud. Watch out world here comes Mr. Loud, Proud and Middle of the Crowd. Call me Mr. Flintstone cause I can make your bed rock.

Trip my Shit

2010-02-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

Gay people are so ridiculous. Tonight I took a newcomer out and about on the town. We started at this great mexican restaurant and from there who knows where things may or may not have gone array. After dinner I realized that we were in Boston's local gay neighborhood and for a lack of better understanding about the hip and urban places to take a heterosexual newcomer in this town I took my away-from-home visitor to the only place I knew of which, of course, was a gay bar. Club Cafe to be exact. It is a restaurant in the front, bar in the middle, and a "dance club" in the back. We use the term "dance club" loosely because no one really dances back there. They just sway from side to side.

Things I found interesting tonight included watching as the gay sea parted to worship the Lady Gaga on the television monitor. As soon as they heard the opening notes to "Bad Romance," the dancefloor split in half with a full four feet of space between the gays and the Gaga. They stared in awe of her uniqueness with mouths gaping, some mouthing out the words. My newcomer friend was shocked to find, "what are they doing," she asked in concern. I let her know that they were praying to their Gaga. They were throwing their hands up across their hearts and towards foreheads, in cross-like formation. They were praising the Lady Gaga and it was one of the most ridiculous scenes I had ever beheld. That is, until, I saw Beyonce take the stage at the previous years' American Music Awards and performing "Single Ladies" all the fags hearts skipped a beat. Hips were jiggling, hands were up in the air; and all you could hear was the feint mumblings of the "Uh-oh-ohs" that did not want to be uttered by the butchest of the fagcrowds.

What a ridiculous bunch of folk that I myself by default am betrothed to. Why must I even be associated with this motley crew of fagfolk. I don't get it. What is it about this culture that makes us act so absolutely ridiculous? Are we destined for failure? That is how it must seem. to me and the rest of us, when our heads are so far in the clouds that we cannot asses an accurate game plan for tackling the Human Rights Campagin.

Needless to say,

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!

Perpetually Single

2010-01-30T07:06:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine used this to describe me recently. I know (or at least, don't think) that he meant it as words meant to hurt but they did. It was like stating a fact that I don't enjoy acknowledging.

We were talking about jobs. We both work in retail. He mentioned that the hours required of our work really gets to him and that it had worked for me because I am "perpetually single". I guess it made me angry because work is tough for me right now. I am working on liking it better by making a few changes here and there. But it is hard to agree or own up to a title of "perpetually single", when it is not one that I have chosen for myself. Its not like I am so committed to my work that I stay away from dating.

I am WIDE OPEN to dating. I am perpetually single because I'm not going to settle down with someone out of comfort or convenience. Life is too short to waste with one worthless person.

Why should I keep dating someone that I am not physically attracted to? If someone says that they don't believe God exists why would I continue to date them? Why would I want to bother dating someone that tells me upfront that they do not believe in monogamy? To me, this belief is so far fetched I cannot even fathom the validity of such a thought.

I've kicked TwentyTen off with a bang by going on more dates in the month of January than I had all year long in 2009. Just cause they were first dates, and will not be second dates doesn't mean that I am meant to be "perpetually single".

What a ridiculous thing to say. It made me so angry. It made me angry because I have made changes in my life and taken chances in order to bring about that change. I have changed surroundings. I have changed behaviors. I have bettered myself as an end result. I'm becoming more and more happy with the person that I am every day, and I can't let an asshole call me "perpetually single" indicating that it is me, and not them.

What a crock of shit.

Bug-a-Boo

2010-01-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

I've been downloading music from my high school years. I posted something about it on my class Facebook page, which really got the ball rolling. Asking people to post their favorite songs and or memories from high school.

When I look back I realize that there were a LOT of dumb songs from our day. It was the age of the boy band and the pop princess. Britney and Justin had barely started dating one another. This represented the downfall of it all. 98 degrees, Backstreet Boys, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera...and not to mention that Destiny's Child was in its PRIME! That much I KNOW is true!

I pretty much downloaded the entire "Writing's on the wall" album because it reminds me so much of high school. I would listen to the entire album from start to finish. I remember that I had bought it mainly for "Bills, Bills, Bills" and "Bug-a-boo". On a weekend trip to visit the East Carolina Campus (keep in mind if was Halloween weekend) I went on the trip with Candace, Paige, and this girl that I was not that acquainted with at the time, Jill.

It was quite a weekend.

An Angry boyfriend punched a whole through the wall of our hotel room. I drove as DD since at the time I did not drink, and at various points in the night was asked to pull over to the side of the road because Jill was planning on MAKING herself throw up, because she said that once she did she would feel much better. Throughout the entire weekend Paige became very frustrated with my attention deficit in regards to what music was on the radio. She would smack my hand and command that I leave the CD on the track and just listen. This forced me to hear the entire Destiny's Child album and in turn, it is one of my all time favorite albums of all time.

That album, along with Lil'Kim's Hardcore Album always remind me of that weekend at East Carolina. Those girls opened my eyes up to a whole other world. Who's to say whether it was good or bad, but I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. That was the start of a long lasting friendship between me, Candace, and Paige.

I had never had friends that I felt like really stood up for me before then and after meeting these girls everything was different. I always liked the idea of having a harem of women to protect me. I'm confident enough in my manhood to say so. I liked the idea cause of crazy weird Japanese movies I had seen before, where these big amazon women were bodyguards and stuff. So anyway. To have some tough girls that were confident be willing to cuss someone out because they were talking shit about me or trying to question my sexuality was a really nice ideal.

It was never an issue of whether I was or wasn't. It was just the fact that I belonged to them. I was their friend. Like a brother, and nobody else would be able to challenge that.

It was a lot of fun.

Hip to be Square

2010-01-20T17:26:00.000-08:00

Davis Square is one of the most wonderful places on earth. I am growing to love it more and more every day that I have that I get a chance to spend galavanting around. Today was a wonderful day off. It was relaxing but I didn't just lay around. I got a few things accomplished in the meanwhile.

I woke up clueless as to what my first step should be to get started on my day. On a typical day off in Davis Square I make my way to Starbucks first thing in the AM to grab an iced latte and sit in a big comfy chair by the fire place while partially people watching patrons and passers by outside the window and the other part staring at the shamelessly handsome baristo that kinda flirts with me but I can't tell. He is either REALLY good at his job, Bored, or he would like to ask me out. I am thinking it is none of the above and that I am just reading into things as I always do.

But on this day. Starbucks is NOT an option. Well, at least not MY STARBUCKS. MY STARBUCKS in Davis is closed for renovations. No worries all, I have informed them of my request to add more comfy chairs around the fire place, so all will be well, when peace is finally restored upon Davis.

I figured a Chai from Diesel Cafe would serve as a nice substitute and then a breakfast sandwich from the Broken Yolk around the corner would make for a beautiful morning in addition. I placed my order at Broken Yolk but asked if it could be postponed for 20 as I had an errand to run in the Square. I made my way to the shoe cobbler, Art, to inquire about resoling some shoes. My dress shoes would be too expensive, but my cowboy boots are underway. This time next week I'll be stomping my way across the dance floor all over again.

I picked up my chai and made my way home. I had ordered a Bacon, Egg, Tomato, and Chedder on an everything bagel and it was TO DIE FOR! Nothing like a small homecookin' style breakfast joint to get your senses workin' in the AM. I cozied up at home and decided to finally check out what 500 days of Summer was all about. It was all about love.

If I didn't need a reminder. It was an incredibly movie. Zooey D. played herself, the quirky girl that everybody wants but nobody can have, as she always does, which is starting to get on my nerves. In the end I was glad that he wound up with Autumn instead, she was much more pretty than Zooey fo sho.

I packed up my gym bag. Got in a brisk but effective workout and grabbed lunch from Boston Burger Company. I tried their Chicken panini and went with the hostess' suggestion which was a bad idea. It was messy and un-eatable. I was a much bigger fan of my Garlic Parm fries and their house made bleu cheese was just the perfect compliment for dipping.

A buddy that I had been emailing/texting for a while but never met mentioned that he had no plans for the day. I told him I was procrastinating on putting together this Ikea "Thing" that is used to hold all my clothes and he jumped at the opportunity to help out. With his help I finally finished the project. It has been lasting for almost a month because the instructions insist on having TWO people to put it together, and we have so far agreed to disagree.

But it is done now. It is the first night in 3 weeks that I am going to bed without mounds of clothes across my floor. The only thing left to do is switch my TV stand and desk and my room will be all set. Tomorrow night it will be official, I will be sleeping in my "almost there" room.

Hopefully I will make it a matter of weeks/days to hang my pictures so that I at least get a good 6 months or so of them on the wall before the possibility of moving out from this apartment. I really like it here. The location is nice, I would definitely not be opposed to being closer to the square but at this rate I wouldn't mind being here for another year.

I can't believe that it has been two whole years since I moved here. It feels like it has taken a lifetime to finally live in an area that I enjoyed. I have learned a lot about bigger "city" living as far as being willing to compromise your apartment standards, for location, location, location. I wouldn't venture to say that it is what it is cracked up to be, but for the record, their ain't nothing like Davis Square in Charlotte, North Carolina, thats fo sho.

My hips might not lie, but they are hip to be square.

Davis Square, I love you.

Oh My Gosh

2010-01-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

He's makin' eyes at me and I don't mind, at all.

I've been getting back into the Basement Jaxx lately. Mostly when working out at the gym. Their music makes me want to flip my shit and lose it all over again.

Here's my suggestion for a Basement Jaxx playlist, in the following order...

Rendez-Vu

Red Alert (Jaxx Club Edit)

Romeo

Oh My Gosh (Jaxx Club Edit)

Do Your Thing

Where's Your Head At (Radio Edit)

Jus 1 Kiss (Boris Dlugosch and Michi Lange's BMR Digitised Re-Edit)

Get Me Off (Jaxx 2002) Radio Mix

Romeo (Acoustic Version)

Yo-Yo (this is the song that started it all for me...)

What's a Girl Gotta Do? (feat. Paloma Faith)(Newest STUFF!)

This will ensure a great workout...trust.

Now I am off before I look at the clock again and realize that I have been sitting at the computer posting stupid playlists for all of you fat asses waiting for someone to listen and actually download and then work it out at the gym.

Hollaback.

Feverish

2010-01-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

I feel funny. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and yet my room was pretty cold compared to what I set the temperature at before heading to bed. I don't know if I have a cold. I did not have a fever. Maybe it means the fever was breaking? Its still a pretty gross feeling.

Yesterday I had the entire day off. I was planning on doing all of this great shit like running errands to get some new jeans altered, getting a shave and a haircut, and making sure I had a great workout at the gym. None of that even happened.

I got a phone call from my Mom at like 8AM but didn't mind since I was already half awake and hadn't spoken with her in a while. We talked for a bit but when our conversation was over I was wide awake and it was only 830 in the morning. I figured I would start the day at the gym and then proceed with everything else. My workout lagged because the gym was empty. I am definitely a people watcher and I become overwhelmingly melancholy when there is nobody else working out worth looking at.

So I did not give it everything I had. Also, I usually try to eat before working out but wanted to get out of the house instead of wasting away the day so I skipped this step leaving me without any kind of energy to exhaust.

Towards the end of my "working out" a guy that I had a date with a couple weeks ago walked in and it was not a good date so I thought, "shit, now I have to figure out how to escape". I waited for him to have an ample amount of "changing time" in the locker room and as I walked towards the locker room to leave I caught a glimpse of him by the free weights and added a pep to my step as to not be seen.

I was lucky to escape the clutches of a very awfully uncomfortable situation.

I went to starbucks afterwards when in actuality I should have drank a bottle of water and had myself a protein shake. Instead I chose an iced latte and their new huevos rancheros whole wheat wrap. It is not the best.

I walked to my barbershop in the freezing cold only to find that it was closed. No note on the door, no signs of life at all. I walked home and realized that in New England you should NEVER assume that you do not need gloves and a hat. This is a realization I make and try to learn every year but for some reason I just cannot get it through my head.

When I got home I spent the rest of the day trying to warm up. I was so cold.

I began to feel feverish and sick but when I took my temperature it was only 99 degrees. What a waste I thought. To feel somewhat feverish but not even really be sick.

So I spent the day laid up in bed. I skipped all of my errands and watched Kathy Griffin's stand up on my computer for the entirety of the afternoon.

I decided to try the yoga class at my new gym that night since I did not wish to waste away the entire day.

Yoga was a bust. The teacher had an accent and sounded just like Celine Dion I could not understand what she was saying, which was not even the worst part about her. The reason I enjoy yoga so much is because you are free to do what feels good. Do the pose if it feels good, don't do it if you can't. Try your hardest but be kind to yourself. Anyway, she was very forceful and controlling and I was not a fan of this teaching method. She commanded people to stop looking into the mirror. She called me out on three different occasions. Once for looking in the mirror (for the record she told the class to make sure that their knees were positioned correctly to not add stress on this or that, so how else was I supposed to verify?), the second time I had raised my left arm up from where it had been sitting on my hip because I was ready to take the full pose; she stated clearly for the entire class "I did not say to lift the left arm up, this is when your mind is not being centered and you are not paying attention to the practice"

She was so annoying. I swear the class only lasted for 30 minutes and it was such a waste.

Then we cut to a full night of sleep waking up to a pool of sweat all over my entire body.

This is weird. Lets move on.

I hope it can only get better from this...

Thanksgiving in the Carolinas

2009-12-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

My Thanksgiving trip home was one of the best and favorite visits home yet. I was pretty much booked solid from the time I landed. We headed over to Aunt Glenda's straight from the airport for an early Thanksgiving feast. I got to see my cousins and extended family and it was nice but a bit overwhelming as I might have preferred to sit for a bit with just my parents after arriving but nonetheless I was thankful for the family time.

Then we made the trek home to Sun City where my parents now live. They have really made a home for themselves out there which was made quite evident from the glorious light display that my father, aka "Clark Griswold" had constructed in the front and back yards. It was heartwarming to see, especially after my sister-in-law had emphasized to me "They are REALLY glad that you are home!"

Sunday night I just chilled out. I was exhausted. I had been working NONSTOP leading up to this "vacation" (if you could call it that - since I was on the go the ENTIRE time!) and I needed to rest a bit.

The next day I started with a cup of joe from Dean and Deluca (OF COURSE!). This was ONE of many trips to the D&D. I had brought home with me two pairs of jeans to have altered at my favorite alterations shop. I knew the owner and have a girl there that I trust to alter my jeans. Having someone that you can trust to touch your denim is VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

After getting my jeans taken care of I got a phone call from my buddy John and told him that I was gonna come pick him up and make him check out a possible reunion venue with me.

The venue was AMAZING, but the details are "more to come..." once those reunion plans start falling into place.

After that John and I made our way to Tega Cay/Fort Mill to meet his BF for lunch. Then we stopped by to say hello to my mom and give her a hug and kiss.

From there I headed over to Ronna's to check out her new house. It was crazy to me that she got it for under 200,000. (Hope she doesn't mind me blogging that out!) but the fact that someone that is my age owns a house that is two stories (and i think even has a basement) and a back yard, and a driveway, and a porch, and some other shit too, and yet here if I was to buy something for 150-200K it would be some hole-in-the-wall piece of shit. They would call it "Historic", "Rustic", or "Cute", which would basically translate to "old", "dirty", and "small".

Then we headed over to the mall to check out my old work crew, and then made our way down the street for happy hour. My friend Jamie happened to call in the meantime and said she had something that she was embarrassed to ask but that she would just come right out and say it. I figured that it was some embarrassing gay question but was confused why she would ask something like that when I haven't seen her in forever. Instead she admitted to being a HUGE twilight fan and asked if I would want to see New Moon. Since I am a proud card carrying member of TEAM JACOB I agreed.

I left my work crew to meet Jamie just in time for the movie. We had about 5 minutes to talk and catch up before the movie started which led to Jamie jabbing me with her elbow throughout the entire movie because I had a hard time containing my emotional outbursts every time that Jacob showed up on camera. It is really hard to believe that the kid is only 17 years old.

Regardless my first day was action packed to say the least. The second day I spent with my parents. I cooked and prepped our Thanksgiving side dishes and dessert in the kitchen with my mother in the AM and in the afternoon we went to see "The Blind Side". The movie was tear-jerkingly emotional to say the least. I could hardly contain myself throughout the duration of it. At one point my mom looked over at me cause I had gotten choked up and I realized, she is not even phased. I also realized that I was sad about parts that were not even happening in the movie because of my Social Work background from college that I had been thinking about worse things than what was even actually coming through onto the movie screen. This confirmed (ONCE AGAIN) for me that Social Work was not an avenue for me to pursue.

We had our Thanksgiving with the family celebration that night and my brother and his family came over. It was great spending time with my three beautiful little nieces. I miss them so much and their love and their innocence. It feels so good to be a part of their lives. Luckily I have managed to impress Daisy (the youngest) just enough so that she remembers who I am and smiles every time she sees me. This was only the third time that I have gotten to see her since she was born and I was happy that I was able to hear her say "Uncle Justin, I love you!"

On Wednesday I made my friend Allie be ready by 930 AM so that we would be able to get in some good QT with one another before heading on to other correspondences. Allie lives in NY and we are closer in proximity than any of my other friends but for some reason when we are both in Charlotte at the same time it is easier for us to meet up when she has no car, and I am borrowing my mother's. Interesting.

We had a lot of fun catching up and I had mentioned to her that one day I might want to start my own company and she said that she would work for me. I still smile thinking about when I used to work with her and we were both salespeople but I would talk to her like I was her manager. She hated it. She would roll her eyes at me and sigh. I think this is why we became friends.

I went over to Lindsey's house next. We got to spend an ample amount of time exhausting our efforts in trying to help figure out one another's lives. This is typically the case with Lindsey and I. We have been friends since high school, suffered/endured many ups and downs and always managed to bounce back from it. I was glad that we were able to get in this time before meeting up with a few high school alums for drinks that night.

In the midst of this transition I met Natasha at the Penguin. It was loud as hell, and made me remember that Charlotte, unfortunately is NOT a NONSMOKERS world. People sat on both sides of us at the bar smoking. One guy lit his cigarette, smoked half of it down and then left it in the ashtray, lit, with the smoke wafting straight into my secondary smoking nostrals. It was gross. It made me happy to think about returning to Boston where you cannot smoke indoors. I forget how pleasant it is until venturing to these Smoke friendly environments.

Meeting up with my class of 2000 alums was very fun and quite entertaining. I had randomly posted an invite for everyone on the class page. Just a casual gathering of whoever was interested and whoever was in town. Could be big, could be small, no big deal.

It turned out to be a larger crowd than I had originally intended and I was pleased with the turnout. People were thankful that I had planned it but I really felt as though I had made no such efforts. They were also thankful that I was taking initiative to plan our reunion which was really interesting to see and made me feel a lot more confident about taking on such a large task.

It was a great end to a short-lived homecoming.

The next morning I spent with my parents sitting at Dean and Deluca before heading to the airport to head back to Home #2 aka Beantown.

2010G-Card

2009-11-17T21:07:00.001-08:00

My friend Mike gives me such a hard time about wanting a boyfriend so badly. He is always saying that he doesn't understand why it has to be the "Be All, end All" and why can't people just be happy being single.

I've done enough. I've seen all I want to see. Trust me. I can call it quits for now.

I think it is silly how there are all of these gay men out there that are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and up and they don't show any signs of slowing down any time soon. Is this what my gay future has to offer? I'm tired now and I'm only 27. I can't imagine how I will feel when I am that age.

When I talk to my friend I can tell that he is completely satisfied with the idea of not settling down anytime soon. That is fine. But for me. This is what I want, and I want it right now. I want to find someone that I click with immediately. I want to settle into a relationship fast but so fast that it was effortless to get through. I want things to come naturally and not feel so planned out or orchestrated.

I met this guy for a date and the date was awful. I think it was because I had not been on a date in so long that I was nervous. He seemed nervous too. But knowing me and my self-consciousness I had a hard time differentiating his anxiety from his disinterest. I felt like he was either afraid of me (which is not good) or that he was just so completely not interested in me.

This is the part I hate about dating. It is that time in the date (typically the beginning stages of a night that has yet unfolded) when there are no boundaries. It is best to get out early. At least that way I have time to make it home and order a pizza and cry throughout an entire episode of Grey's Anatomy. But no, you sit through it and it gets worse and worse. This is the worst kind of date to be on because you are thinking two things in your head the entire time and having to keep up with both thoughts while the other person is giving you nothing to work with.

He asked me lots of questions, which meant that I did most of the talking. When it is right, it's right, and in this case it did not seem so. I'm not a question asker. I actually hate asking questions. Well. I take it back. I love to ask questions. But only if it is something that is really intriguing. I don't think that you can really find out or know that much about someone by asking them simple questions like "how many brothers and sisters do you have?", or "So you grew up in Charlotte and were there your whole life?"

I mean. This is dumb.

He kept asking me questions so much so that by the time we got on the topic of gay marriage I should have just ended the date myself and called dominos right away. It was all downhill from here.

When it comes to gay marriage I sound so bitter and awful that I wouldn't want to date myself.

So that was done.

It is exhausting to think that this was the last real date that I had. It seems like nobody wants to just date and be friends and see where things go. It was as if on that date that we had both had too high expectations and that we were both getting nervous about nothing. We had no connection. So I was not upset when we ended it.

I with I knew how to not be so awkward. In that moment there is a sense of rejection even though the feeling was mutual among the two of us. Why can't we both be so brazen as to say to one another, "Hey dude, lets just be friends and see where it goes, later buddy!"

Simple as that.

In other news I am still longing for someone to come sweep me off my feet. Its getting colder outside and the timeline is getting shorter for having a permanent man to kiss even without the mistletoe. I have gone so far as to start joking about turning in my gay card by the end of the year but I am only half joking.

I read some articles a while back about how couples in England (I think) were straight women that married gay men. They collectively agreed to have/raise children together but to have separate sexual lives apart from one another otherwise. There is something to be said about the importance of companionship. I think it would be nice to raise a child with a girlfriend of mine that I was close to. I think finding something like that might even make me feel more loved than how I feel when I am out on my own searching for it.

We shall see what 2010 brings to the table.

Let's Get Unconscious, Honey

2009-11-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

This blog is called bedtime stories because it is one of my all time favorite Madonna songs and videos. I love the surrealism in the video version of the song and I love the background vocals chanting "Let's get unconscious, honey". It sings praises of the unconscious and it speaks out on how useless words can feel at most times. No matter how much talking we seem to exhaust our efforts on there are many times when our words seem to fall flat without meaning or cause.

"Today is the last day that I'm using words...they've gone out, lost their meaning, don't function anymore..."

That is how I feel today. I got a phone call from someone at work today that had misinterpreted an email that I had sent. They perceived this email to have an aggressive and/or abrasive tone when in fact it was in no sort meant with such intent. During our (seemingly pointless and one-sided) phone "conversation" (the quotations are assuming that a conversation is held between TWO consenting adults and not just one) I was unable to get a word in edgewise in order to defend my point of view via original email. It was not very fair. I felt like my words were useless so I chose to use none. If utilizing my words was not being effective, then I opted to use none in order to get the mission accomplished. The mission was to make it a point not to send emails as such and the lesson learned was to just pick up the phone and call instead.

I hate bearing the blunt of someone else's misgivings. It feels as if this anger that was evoked from the email was not solely based on the power of my one single email. It must have been a conglomerate of issues that had built upon one another.

I mean when you think about it...this would have meant that my email held way more power than I had ever originally intended. I think that it is funny, this emailing back and forth. You learn early on from online dating and chatting that your words or phrases can quickly be read in the totally wrong context. It is frustrating and you feel as though your lesson has been learned. We obsess over and over about our emails before actually pressing send. We read them to one another. We delete the entire thing and start over again. We even go as far as to save a rough draft and revisit this email later.

So with that said, one would think that you might recognize this delicate and sensitive form of communication and not take it too seriously when read in the wrong manner.

I don't get it.

Today is the last day that I'm using words...

Ol' Aunt Mullard

2009-11-02T19:14:00.000-08:00

It would be pretty safe to say that two of my all time favorite relatives would be my Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred. As a child I stayed with them often (to my recollection) and every time I did it was a different kind of fun. I've mentioned before that my family is part whoopie cushion.

Needless to say, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Alvin are on the whoopie side of this coushion.

Their house was in desperate need of an update. There was nothing modern about it by any means. It was a ranch style house with laminate floors in the kitchen, a bumpy 70's style carpeting throughout the hallways and the living room and a furnace-style fire place in the middle of everything. You know, the kind that is circular and black and has tubing that goes up through the roof, you put coal or wood or whatever (I really don't know and can't remember) to use it. They had an old TV set that sat on the floor but was one that had wood built around it to make it look like furniture. I loved their living room. Even though they smoked cigarettes so religiously that my sweet Aunt Mildred sounded like that of Ebenezer Scrooge. Her voice was raspy. Every now and then it was almost weezy. She coughed if she spoke too much but she was one of the sweetest women I have ever known.

I can remember a big long stair case going from the back door of her house to the backyard. I remember a big (scary) dog that lived on the other side of the fence, even though it was only scary as a child and a dog that wouldn't harm a fly when I was older. I remember being in the backyard with Cousin John Arthur and playing Mother-May-I with Aunt Deborah. I remember John Arthur talking about how he missed his dad who was Aunt Mildred's Son. I remember him not really ever being around except probably 5 times in my entire childhood (which were probably not many more than the times that John Arthur got to see him either). I can remember John Arthur's anger and frustration when his father didn't show up to his own mother's funeral and I can remember being angry myself at John Arthur's father. I had a hard time imagining what kind of son wouldn't show up to his mother's funeral especially if his mother had been Mildred.

As a child I know I was one of her all time favorites. I was lucky to only ever catch the softer side of Mildred in my youthful bliss. It was Uncle Alvin that seemed to bear the blunt of most of Mildred's insults and yet in a way they were only insults of love.

During one of our many Thanksgiving gatherings my mother jovially asked Aunt Mildred if she was only giving Alvin a hard time because she loved him just so much, and under her breath she muttered, "Pshhh...Shit." We all smiled at one another but my mother let out a "woop!" and quickly scolded her by name, "Mildred!"

At family gatherings you could know when it was official that Aunt Mildred had shown up because the house was filled with the smell of her collard greens. She brought them to every single gathering that we had, it was always "her thing" to bring. I think she was probably one of the only ones to ever eat them, but regardless, she would never think of not showing up with a pot full of them on her next visit.

Aunt Mildred's biggest life lesson that she taught to me was this: "Jesus loves". Its an important one. It is simple and it is true. From an early age I can remember her trying to teach me the song, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...where?" The song goes on to utter lines such as "I've got the love of Jesus...down in my heart...where?" Mildred's heart was the biggest one I had ever known. She loved her family so much and I miss her often and wish that I would have known her as an adult.

Uncle Alvin was with us for some time after Mildred's passing. He married into our family when he married Aunt Mildred, but he was ours and we would claim him in any realm or respect. We loved him just as much as we loved Aunt Mildred. I can remember having dinner at my Aunt Deborah's house and giving Uncle Alvin a hard time about black people. He was from a different era, and I always found it fun to try to challenge his thoughts and views. We were having a discussion about how nobody at the table was racist. (In truth, if you have to make a point to discuss it, are you really NOT racist?) Regardless. I asked Alvin what he thought of me dating a black girl. (At the time my family didn't realize that I wouldn't be dating ANY girls, let alone a black one!) He huffed and puffed and sighed. He said, "Lord I hope I am dead in my grave before that happens!". We laughed because we could acknowledge how silly he was being.

There was a lot of fun to be had when Uncle Alvin and Aunt Mildred were around. I remember a time when I was staying at my Aunt Deborah's house and Mildred had called over there to speak with me and my cousin John Arther. Deborah tried to hand the phone to me and I pushed it away proclaiming, "I don't wanna talk to Ol' Mullard". Deborah laughs and laughs when she tells this story. I don't like to think about it. I don't like acknowledging there ever being a time when I didn't want to talk to Ol' Aunt Mullard seeing as how now I don't get the chance to.

She was full of old southern wisdoms and I'd give anything to have a little piece of that right about now.

Appalachia and the Hereafter

2009-11-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

For my first two years of college I attended Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. If any of you have ever met me your first instinct would be to ask "what on earth led you to attend that school?"

At the time it was a venture to escape and a journey to set myself apart. My older brother had attended NC State and my older sister went to UNC-Chapel Hill. I did not want to follow in anyone of their footsteps. They were both very successful in school. My brother's smarts came naturally to him, he went on to accomplish his PhD in mechanical engineering and is now a professional smarty pants. My sister on the other hand struggled through out high school but made it a point to study hard and develop a strong work ethic through her studies making her very successful at a tough college as well.

And then there was me. I was always somewhere in between the two. Smarts came natural in certain academic efforts and if I had just tried a little harder in my studies I would have been what one would call VERY successful as well. Looking back I know very well that I did not give it my best effort. All of that fault is place upon myself in retrospect. I regretfully should have tried harder and I would be more proud of myself for completing college. Looking back I feel like it was just something that I showed up for and not something that I really put much effort in to and I regret it a lot. So much so that I reminisce about my days in Boone and wish wholeheartedly that I could just do it all over again.

I did not finish out my schooling at Appalachian State however, I transferred to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte which happened to be my Dad's alma mater, purely out of coincidence. Small town life was just not for me. I needed to find 24 hour CVS locations and restaurants that served liquor by the glass. I needed bigger and better.

On quiet days and nights off I miss the "luxuries" of Boone, North Carolina. The mountains and fall foiliage at your fingertips. In a day you could venture up the Blue Ridge parkway and find a little quiet spot and sit on a rock that overlooks all of God's beautiful creation. You can be alone. You can be quiet. You can pray. You can wish. I miss this feeling. This feeling of just you and no one else. In the midst of the most gorgeous mountains and landscaping.

There is also something I miss about being able to roll out of bed and walk into a restaurant like Boone Bagelry and order a Bagelicious on a Spinach Bagel for breakfast.

It is unfortunate that when you get out on your own and begin developing a career you realize that it would NEVER take you back to Boone. What else is going on in Boone? Nothing. That is the beauty and the downfall of the entire town altogether.

I miss it so. I realize that it was necessary to escape to pursue my great endeavors but oh how nice would it be to go back sometime soon.

Dear Happy Appie, I love you.

Crazy For You

2009-10-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

It has been a while (a little over a month) since I mentioned my crush. I decided to stop talking about him altogether because of what has transpired since I last mentioned him.

In my most recent post about this customer crush of mine I had mentioned being nervous about sending a follow up email. I wanted to find the courage to be a bit more direct if not indirect by sending a shamelessly flirtatious and suggestive email. But I had to do so without sounding overly inappropriate, this is my work email account after all.

He beat me to the chase. Which seems to be the case in most instances where I am stressing about calling or emailing him. He seems to be the one to take the lead. Now keep in mind, the message behind these encounters is clouded. There is a sales exchange of merchandise at hand. He comes with the intent to accomplish a mission. A missing piece of fashion from his wardrobe, and in the meanwhile flirtations between us arise.

He emailed me to let me know that his shoes were not working. The email was one of the gayest emails I have ever read. "I have bad news, I will be bringing someone with me. His name is Ferragamo and we are just not that into one another". I had sold him a pair of shoes that he was originally unsure of and had mentioned the prospect of possibly returning them. When I first read the line I my heart sank. I thought he was bringing his boyfriend with him. That would have just been my luck!

So I replied, "No worries, if Ferragamo is not working out for you then we can find you someone else that you are more compatible with".

Our emails to one another are typically replied within a few minutes. This one took 24 hours and I got "Actually wore the shoes today, so I guess I will keep them". It was awkward and uneasy. It did not make much sense and he did not really seem like the kind of customer that would do this. He was very cautious in everything that we did. All of the fashion choices that we made together he gave much thought and consideration. The ones that were made that had heavy influence on my part he decided to have bagged separately so that he could make his decision before "committing" to the choices by wearing the clothing or shoes. It is something that I kind of like about him, seeing as how my fashion choices, and impulse purchases are always kept because the rush I get from pulling my freshly purchased merchandise out of the shopping bag and ripping the sales tags off BEFORE trying it on again at home is just insane!

I sent him another email back, attempting to prolong flirtation and in order to evoke a response. I wanted to send an "open-ended" email with an inquisitive intent so that I could keep this strain of emails going further. "No problem! Hope that you are enjoying your "Guide to Style" Book that I sold you, Have you found any new fashion tips to challenge me on yet?"

I got no response. I think I pushed it hard and it fell off the counter. I didn't hear back from him for a week. Then I took the promotion to move on to another store. I figured it was best. I thought that this way he could go to my old store in peace and not have to worry about seeing me if I had made him uncomfortable.

Weeks passed by and while standing at the register at my new store I was busying myself by looking at the sales numbers. I had just finished writing out a note to my team when I looked up and saw him standing right in front of me.

I was caught off guard. "Oh, hey, hows it going? I'm over here now". I mean. Obviously, right?

Then he said, "Yeah I know, I asked for you at the other store and they told me that you were working over here, so I wanted to come see you".

Now tell me this...Do you know any straight guys that would follow someone like this? It just doesn't make sense to me. I have had guys that acknowledged their own lack of fashion know-how. I have had the guys that like letting me help dress them from head to toe because they just need the help. But this guy. This guy is different. It is the little things like this that happen that make me question his intent.

I was so thrown off by his guest appearance that I could barely help him at all. He had brought a cardigan to my register and the department that he had got it in is two departments away from mine. He casually asked if he could try it on. It was weird. Did he really need to come find me if all I had to do was let him into a fitting room? Then he asked my help with shoes. I gave suggestions and then turned him over to my buddy in the shoe department.

I felt uneasy. I was uncomfortable. I have tried to push out of my mind the feelings that I have secretly developed for him. After our awkward exchange of emails I tried to forget about him. Now what?

I'm not making any more attempts.

When we were wrapping up our time together I asked if he was still living in the same area. He said that he was. He also mentioned that his office was right beside my new mall and that he typically stops into the store quite often from work. (This is convenient) Then I mentioned that my roommates and I were planning a move to Davis Sq. He said "Oh, I'm pretty close to Davis" He mentioned a circle of streets that he lived near and I said, "That's weird, thats exactly where we are moving"

As it turns out the new apartment that we are moving to is a block away from where he lives. Now I can't help but wonder when and where we will bump into one another if Davis Square becomes my new stomping ground. I can only hope, and I can only dream, right?

Will we see each other jogging in the summertime? Will we both be in line for coffee in the morning? Will he buy me a round at the local hangout? Who's to say when or where it all might happen but lets just bide our sweet little time for now...

You're so close, but still a world away...

Maw Maw

2009-10-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

Watching the Hannah Montana movie really made me homesick. Hearing the grandmother call her grand-daughter Darlin' and honey made me miss my Grandma's really badly.

I miss my Grandma Lowe, which was my mom's mom.

I miss how she used to ask "give me some sugar" and she would hold out her cheek and wait for a kiss from me. I miss the time at Christmas when we gave her a VCR (that played VHS - very high tech at the time) and she said "Aww you got me a Mitsu-Bitchy". I miss the Thanksgiving Day when we all were so hungry waiting around for her to show up and my mom called the local J&K Cafeteria on a hunch and sure enough she was there and eating all alone. She made it a point to eat there every Thursday. When my mom asked her why she was there she simply replied "well honey, it's Thursday". This of course was in her later years, when her mind just began to get the very best of her. I miss dancing with her cheek to cheek at my cousin Lisa's wedding.

I miss how she used to tell my mom, when they would eat at the Cupboard (a local country cooking restaurant in Charlotte) that there sure were a lot of babies in the room. This of course was also later in her life. She was right at the border of senility and it was hard to tell when she was having a moment and when she was making a profound statement. My mom questioned her after looking around and said "Mother, there aren't any babies in the room, what are you talking about?" and Maw maw just commented about how all the waitresses would call all of the gentlemen that were dining in for lunch "Baby". She was always quite a lady, my maw-maw. She always had her own way.

I miss how she would take me to Hardee's for a hot dog. I miss how she would never order it plain, as I would request. I miss how she would tell me that you couldn't even taste the onions, and yet I would never ever eat them, not even just one. I miss how she had packets of ketchup stowed away in her drawers because it was free and you could ask for extra. I miss the stale Nilla Wafers in her cookie jar. I miss watching reruns of "Dallas" and "Hee-haw" with her and Paw-Paw while I was curled up on the couch.

I thought about it the other day and I remembered spending lots and lots of time at their house when I was younger. Maw-Maw and Paw Paw would watch me a lot and I really miss the time that I had when I was there. It can be tough being the youngest in a family like mine. You get the best and the worst of worlds to experience. I experienced Paw-paw's stroke, and then later his death from a child's eyes. I never understood his health problems but just thought it was because he was really old. Looking back I remember teaching him how to write again after his stroke. I just thought it was fun that I was able to teach my paw-paw how to write and he was so much older than me. I never knew it was because he had forgotten how to because of brain functioning and that he would not let any adults bother him with lessons but would always listen to me.

I think about things like this and I wonder what it would have been like had they had better health or if they had lived just a bit longer. What would my adult relationship with them entail? Maybe I would bear the blunt of some doctor's visits? Maybe I would be visiting them regularly at the home to make sure that they were still eating.

In my Maw-maw's last days I remember that in the weeks leading up to her time to go I made my last visit to her at the nursing home. I took her a bunch of roses and kissed her on the cheek. She was eating dinner with some of the other ladies from the home and she introduced me to all of them and had the biggest smile upon her face. Looking back I know that the moment didn't mean half as much to me then as it does now, but I am glad that I was able to have the memory. It was the last one that I have of her. When I heard that she was in the hospital I also heard that her health had faded fast. I was told that she had refused to eat and that her memory was shot and she was on the way out. I did not want to see her like this. I wanted to remember the big smile that I had seen when I visited her at the nursing home. I wanted to think of her as that sweet robust woman that is full of joy and full of life. The one that always asked me for "some sugar".

Later on mom told me that the last memory I had with Grandma was one of the only things that she remembered in her last days. It meant a lot to me that of the few memories that she was able to retain that me and my bunch of roses had been one of them.

I miss my grandma quite a lot. But most of all I miss my Maw-maw's sugar.

A Game of Horseshoes...

2009-10-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

What else is out there? I haven't even settled in here and already I can't help but think about what my next move will be. Ever since I took this job in Boston and things happened so quickly I have become fascinated with the idea of being able to pick up and move anywhere that you want (I mean as long as we are opening a store there).

What is next on the horizon? I never had considered it until my roommate has made me listen in on her watching CMT in the morning and listening to Rascal Flats while she gets ready in the morning, and then we went and watched the Hannah Montana Movie and that was it. I want to move to Tennessee. We are opening a store in Nashville at the end of next year and the possibility of being able to rope myself a cowboy really excites me!

In the movie Hannah returns home (to Tennessee) and when she walks in to her grandmother's living room in is overflowing with Billy Ray Cyrus and the Rascal Flatts singing and playing the banjo. They are going around the room taking turns singing verses about something stupid like finding a snake in the gutter. I want to imagine that every living room in Tennessee is just this way. At the end of the movie Hannah jumps on the back of a pick up truck to finish out her concert at a local fair. I want to dream that there are concerts performed out of the back of a pick up at all times in Tennessee.

I miss the south so dearly. There is just something about it that is different. A way of life. A thought or two. I miss it all the time. I am fully enjoying my time spent in beantown and I wouldn't trade these Massholes for nothin'. But in the back of my mind I miss the little things like rocking chairs and fresh made sweet tea. The kind that is so fresh that you hear the ice crack as you pour the warm brew over the cubes. I like how the outside of the glass is warm but the drink inside is so cool, calm, and collected. I miss butter. And Ranch Dressing. These are things that are taken for granted in New England. People scoff in disgust at cooks like Paula Dean because of her usage of Mayonnaise and butter, and yet when I see her show I don't realize that there is anything wrong with her style of cooking.

Take me to another place, let me understand your plan...

Only Just Begun

2009-10-04T08:24:00.001-07:00

How on earth did I get here? Where did I come from? Where am I going? Sometimes these questions just rise up in my mind. It still amazes me that I made it out of Charlotte, North Carolina. I never had the feeling that I needed to get away but when I look back on it I know that I never would have made it if I had stayed. Its a scary thought. I did it. I left. I started over. I started from scratch. I worked at it. I moved away. I moved on. I grew up. I'm still growing.

Jo and I were in the car this morning and we were admitting to one another that it has been a while since we asked our parents for money. It was a good feeling to admit to one another. We shook our heads and acknowledged that sometimes being an adult means being flat out broke. I guess it is an endless battle, chasing after this dreamlike adulthood. What on earth were we thinking as children? Why did we ever grow up? The class of 1999 from my High School celebrated their Ten Year Reunion last night and it is just weird. That marks the official one year countdown until my own class reunion. It just feels like this is premature. Out of all the things I have learned over the past ten years I can't help feeling like I haven't learned anything at all. I feel as though I am the same person I was 10 years ago but this much I know is certainly not true.

I'm not the same as it used to be, but I am the best me I can be...

A World Made of Steel; Made of Stone

2009-09-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

They say that trying is the hardest thing of all. Well. I don't really know who they are or who really says this but I think I may or may not have actually heard it somewhere before quite possibly. But the point is that I believe it. Wholeheartedly. Just trying is SO HARD.

The economy has really taken a turn for the worse. Everyone is affected. When customers ask me all I say to them is, "It's about the same for everybody." But its not. I took a "promotion" to move up here. I wouldn't trade it for the world but it has been hard as hell on me. Especially on my pocket.

Take your Passion and make it happen...

In an attempt to grow the F up and become and adult I figured that if I took a move that took me this far away from my parents I would be forced to fully understand what it means to be independent and live on my own. It has been a quite humbling experience to learn that I could just not afford to do it on my own. With the help of my parents I have managed to avoid getting to the point of bill collectors and terribly bad debt, but only by a hair.

Now I'm dancing for my life...

All the people around me are in the same boat. For the longest time it felt like I was on my own. I was one of the only ones that was figuring out just how late you can pay a bill and get away with it. I thought I was on my own when I got eviction threats at my last apartment complex because I had not paid the rent on the day that it was due. I was glad to find that in Massachusetts it is a state law that the rent is not considered late until it is paid after the last day of the month. So if it is seemingly due on October 1st, then it is not officially late until September 1st. This was not something that I should have found out about. I got in pretty deep and had to move out of that complex in order to make attempts to be able to catch up with the other bills that were piling up.

I'm pretty much at a point where I am breaking even now, but it is a constant struggle. It has become a constant sickness in the pit of my stomach thinking about the pending bills that I have. The economy is going down the drain. People are having less and less money, and bills and gas prices keep going up. I don't get it. Adulthood ain't what its cracked up to be. That's fo sho!

What a Feeling.

Someone To Watch Over Me

2009-09-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Being gay is overrated. At 27 years of age I have never had a relationship. Well, at least, not with another guy. I have had plenty of long-term relationships with women. They might be nonsexual but they have lasted longer than any connection I have ever made with another man.

Its really tough. Straight friends tell me that it is the same for them. Their frustrations. Their single lives are just like the single lives of gay men. They believe themselves to be just as desperate.

I look around the gay community and I see more sadness than joy. I see people that settle for less. I see people selling themselves short. I see couples that are not happy but are content. I see older gay men that are dating younger gay men. You would say this was just like the Cougar craze amongst pre-menopausal women yet the age difference is much greater. 60 with 30. 50 with 20. I don't know. Maybe it is just the same, it just seems more psychologically disturbing when it is two men. I guess I take that back. The spread Madonna did with that Jesus kid in W magazine was pretty disturbing.

I just think about how awful it is that I get stuck dating older men. They are the only ones that smile back at me when I check them out. They respond to my texts. They actually show up for our date when we set it a month out in advance. I still want to grow old with someone my own age. I think about what it might be like to bring one of these older men home to my parents and it disturbs me. The idea of them being able to talk about things that happened before I was born drives me insane. It just doesn't feel right?

My buddy Mike seems so content to be single. He does not even think that he wants a relationship anytime soon. The most disturbing part about it is that he currently has 3 or so different guys that are dying to date him. He doesn't even put out and they keep coming around. They won't leave him alone, and yet he could take it or leave it.

My good friend Rich, who is one of the sweetest souls I know tells me that I am a catch all the time. It just doesn't feel as good to be called a catch unless you are getting caught.

My friend Kelly said to me one time with confidence, "You CHOOSE to be single, Justin!"

I asked her who my choices were that I was saying no to. Who is in my dating pool that I am refusing to date? That is when it would be a choice that I was making. I don't even have anybody to turn down. She crooked her head to one side, arched and eyebrow and opened her mouth to let out a silence. She sighed, "Well, I will get back to you." This is Kelly's way of admitting defeat. She realized that her statement was spoken right outside of her ass. She likes enjoys making statements out of her ass, and I love her for it, because it gets me thinking. But she was wrong in the statement that I am CHOOSING to be single. I am not.

The more days, the more months, and the more years that pass by and I stay single I am finding out more and more about relationships. I am finding out what truly makes up a healthy one. I am learning that ideally there are no healthy ones. That the healthiest relationships seem to be the ones that are the most fucked up. The ones that offer the drama and chaos; These are the relationships that seem to have the strongest bonds of all.

I am a little sad today about it. I had a bad day at work. It was long. It ended on a sour note. When things like this happen all I can ever imagine is how nice it would be to have arms to welcome me home. Man-arms. Not the arms of my girl roommates. The arms of a man that cares for me. The arms of a man that is not old enough to be my father or to have gone to high school with him. The arms of a man that has the same expiration date as I do.

There's a saying old,

Says that love is blind,

Still we're often told

"Seek and ye shall find,"

So I'm going to seek a certain lad, I've had in mind

A London Bloke; Suit Bespoke

2009-09-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

I met this guy about a week ago at Fritz. My buddy Curtis was visiting and I did not want to pursue anything that night because it was a "hanging with my friends" ONLY night and so we just exchanged numbers. I didn't even mention it to anybody that I was with because I was honestly a little embarrassed of the guy. He is this big oaf of a man. Looks like he was a linebacker in school and at the right angle, he slightly resembles Sloth from the "Goonies". Now. Even though the goonies are good enough, Sloth was not.

Times are tough so of course I kept in touch with him throughout the weekend via text. We text while I was in P-town and we text throughout the week. Finally the following weekend arrived and he suggested that I meet him out for a drink and I accepted. First he agreed to meet me at Fritz, aka the scene of the original crime. When I had finally woken up from my disco nap, showered, and was less than ten away from the bar he text to say that he would be at Paradise instead.

I was having reservations about this pending catastrophe from the very beginning. I had gathered assumptions that he was nothing but that of a solid man-whore, and was by no means a man to be trusted. I envisioned myself fawning over him while he let other boys stare and proceeded to hit on them in the midst of my attention. I am nobody's biggest fan.

I don't follow. I lead. I don't fawn all over any man for that matter so to say the least, I was not so much thrilled as to embark upon this journey.

I decided to write the whole thing off as a venture into a new venue. I had never been to Paradise in the entire year and a half that I have lived here so I figured why not check the place out?

Long story: Short. He did just what I had expected. When I went to the bathroom I returned to find him talking to another guy. I sat right down beside of them. I introduced myself. I watched as the linebacker flirted and touched on this other guy and jealousy never rose up within my being. I thought he was dumb. The linebacker. Ironically enough I began to laugh out loud from everything that this new comer was saying. He was absolutely hilarious. His name is Stephen and he was in town (merely hours away from departing his plane and setting foot onto American soil) from England. Aside from sounding like a member of the Griffandor tribe at Hogwarts, he was actually quite funny! As soon as the linebacker excused himself to the bathroom I immediately turned to him and said, "This guy is a douche, but I think you are funny as hell, would you want to hang out sometime," He confirmed our great idea, with a genial nod, and for the rest of the night we looked out for one another, checking in at periodic moments throughout the evening.

When we attempted to exchange our numbers I realized that his was internationally long distance, so we also exchanged emails since we were both proud blackberry toters. I sent him an email in the AM, thinking that he would let our previously laid plans fall through, but he didn't. He showed up to brunch quite punctually and my friends and I enjoyed his company over french toast and a few bloodies.

While that was my exciting weekend I began my new job last week. So far two of the existing employees are gone. (For whatever reason, sans details). I was hoping to switch it up a bit when I knew that I was taking on the position but SHEESH! It takes a lot of energy out of you when you lose your team members, even if you haven't been privy to their team but for only one week. A lot of stuff is happening at work in the next few days and it won't be stopping there. In the next few weeks we have events almost back to back and I am already tired just thinking of them.

Selling suits is never something I had ever imagined I would be doing but for whatever reason it has turned out to be something to which I have become accustom to doing. I would even venture to say that I enjoy it. I knew when I took on this role originally that my goal would be to put my own spin on selling suits to men. I know that I have done just that. The scary tales from my childhood of going suit shopping have lead me to believe that shopping for a suit does not have to be so monotonous. It can actually be pretty fun.

And besides, every girls crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man...

Kanye IS the weakest link, Goodbye!

2009-09-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

I wish they would vote Kanye off the island. I am getting so angry these days when I look at the entertainment industry and see that they are giving too much power to people that just don't matter. Kanye West gives us some great music. I was thinking about this today. His homecoming album is absolutely amazing. I was trying to write it off as a sell-out to hip hop, but if you listen to the entire thing you realize that the album overall is absolute hip-hop. It is really good.

I wrote a blog a while back on a previous website (i used to blog on myspace, but that was so 2000 & late), about Kanye. At the time he had said something stupid in a totally public arena. Little did we know, that Kanye wouldn't realize that you only get one shot at a chance like that, and when you use it more than once you look more pathetic than noteworthy.

Kanye West might be one of the greatest hip hop has ever seen. He has proven to be quite influential and somewhat revolutionary although he should make more attempts to keep his mouth wide shut. Kanye loses street cred (or more so shows his ass) when he speaks. He makes it obvious that he has no sense and lacks a common decency that one would hope from someone deemed a revolutionary.

Other people that make me angry because they are famous...Perez Hilton, Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt, Adrina, Carson Kressley...the list goes on...i will add more when i think of them. Feel free to comment with your LEAST fav famous peeps.

Causing a Commotion...

2009-09-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned before, Big Curt McGuirt came to town this past weekend. The first two nights of his stay we were in the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in the Back Bay/Copley Sq. Area of Boston. His company paid for it so the hotel that otherwise would have been over $500 a night was FREE! Friends with bennies are the best!

On our THIRD and FINAL night we were in P-Town! How do I describe P-town to you?

Some day, you'll see my point of view...

I can't. It is like a small foreign country. Vacation spot. The most Gay-friendly place I have ever been. Peaceful. Cute. Quaint. Fun. Crazy. Quiet. Loud. It is everything. There are rainbow colored streamers hanging in the street. It is like a smaller scale Key West, with crazy local hippie type natives that don't care about anything. It ALMOST reminds me of Boone, North Carolina, except instead of calling it a dry county I would definitely say it is SOAKING WET. Drinks all over the place. People in a good mood. Ready to have a good time.

I've got the moves baby, you've got the motion...

We took the early ferry boat ride. Curtis also had the hookup on this also which would have otherwise been an $80 ticket! The boat ride to the cape was godawful! Everyone on our boat was nauseous and there were 6 foot swells (I was told). I was fine for about the first hour or so of the trip but towards the end I had to tell Mike to stop talking to me and let me concentrate on NOT throwing up all over the place. The lady to my left filled up most of a barf bag, and the guy on the other side of Mike filled TWO barf bags. Every ten minutes the boat staff would make a lap to distribute bags and for the majority of the journey I had to stare at this German guy making faces as if he was going to throw up on me and he was teetering back and forth which was also not making it any easier on my stomach.

When we finally reached land all was well. We made our way to our hotel "The Boat Slip". There is a huge deck and pool at the hotel. It was perfect. We didn't have to pay to lay out and this was the number one spot that everybody went to hang out during the day. We spent the entire day by the pool. We met this dude named Richard that we wound up running into through our time there and Mike and I actually had breakfast with him on Monday morning. Hopefully he will join our brunch group now that we are back in the city but we will see.

At around 3 o clock the deck begins to clear out. The chairs are put away and tables and extra bars are brought out onto the open space. They are preparing for the late afternoon Tea Dance. Please don't ask me what a Tea Dance is or why it is called that. I honestly don't know but it is just a reason to drink and party earlier on Sunday or in the afternoon from what I have gathered. It is just one more thing that the Gay people have in order to differentiate themselves from straight society (as if we needed any more!). Right as the Tea Dance was about to begin we wandered up the main street to Curtis' friends place that was also in P-town from Atlanta. Randy, Doug, and Kevin were staying at a house up the street and we went there to help them "get rid of" all the liquor that they had brought for the weekend. Mike and I put away a big portion of it, and I was a bit surprised seeing as how Mike doesn't usually drink that much. I was almost scared to think of what kind of night we were about to have because the drinks that Randy made for Mike were described as "You can't even taste the liquor" which you know is always a BIG RED FLAG!

Little did I know that I was planning on showing everybody later in the night why I typically don't drink that much.

The tea dance was dumb and the drinks were way overpriced. No one talked to one another (in typical New England fashion) and we left and went back to our hotel room to regroup.

First the boys decided we should check out the "A-house", which I decided to deem the "A-Hole"

NOBODY WAS THERE YET!

It Doesn't Matter if you win or lose...

We left and made our way up a giant hill to another bar that was a little bit more fun and a little bit more crowded but that is mainly because they had a wrap around porch and the night time air was quite refreshing to the skin. I sat on a stool having a conversation with Curtis on the porch when I saw this handsome Latin man walking forward. I stopped him and introduced myself. We spoke about where we were from, our interests, and such. Then I said that we should exchange numbers and meet sometime in Boston since he said he travels there often from NYC. He said he would be right back and I had assumed that meant "I AM NOT INTERESTED" but much to my surprise, he actually came RIGHT BACK! We exchanged numbers, laughed and smiled, and went on about our nights.

Later in the bar area I met Fred. At the time I could not hear very well. If you have met me you know that I am almost hard of hearing and yet I still listen to my music entirely too loud. You would also know that the more I drink, the less I tend to hear. So Fred attempted to tell me his name over and over again and when I went to put it in my phone I typed in "Free Big". I know some of you would gather sexual innuendo from this Freudian slip, but trust me, there is none. My phone is the Blackberry Storm and it is awful with the auto correct and lord knows what it will type in if I am not fully coherent.

When we left this no-name bar to my recollection, we walked ALL THE WAY DOWN THE BIG HUGE HILL. As I kept looking back I realized that we had lost the bulk of our group and I kept asking Curtis where everyone had gone. "They are right behind us," he told me. We made our way back to the "A-hole" and at this point it was BUMPIN'! It was very crowded inside and they were playing music from the 70's and 80's. No remixes. Just music. I heard "Causing a Commotion" which is one of my all-time favorite Madonna songs, then they went on to play "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer and "How will I know" by Whitney Houston. I was in HEAVEN! I spent the better part of my night dancing to the music of decades gone by when "Free Big" began texting me to no end. He said that he wanted to hang out, and I figured that in 10 minutes I would be A.D.D. enough from the 80's hits and ready to bounce up out of Club A-Hole. We walked around town and he bought me a bottle of water. We made our way back to my hotel but I told him that my friends would be home shortly and not to expect anything other wise.

Much to my relief, Lil'Mikey came walking in right before anything was about to transpire and I attempted to ditch "Free Big" and hang out with Lil'Mikey. We invited him to go get pizza and he said that he was not hungry and would take a pass. Just to bring you up to speed, there is ONE and ONLY ONE place to get pizza in P-town after 1AM. So on our way to the place we saw "Free Big" walking with a slice of his own. "I thought you weren't hungry?" I asked and he laughed and said it actually sounded good. What a flake!

You won't admit it but you know it's true...

P-town was an absolute riot! The best part about it was hanging out with Curtis and Mike. The best of the best. After we got split up Mike told me the next morning that the guy that he was with (and I will leave the name out for his own benefit) had an "interesting" experience. The guy must have been pushing 60. He was a part of our original group in the beginning of the night. Mike let us know that he confessed that he was married, to a woman of 30 plus years. He had snuck away on a P-town getaway and this confirmed for me that being gay is just awful for some. The best part about this guy was that they had broken away from the group because Mike was hungry and wanted his pizza early. They sat at the shop and had a slice then the older guy excused himself to the "little boys room" to use the bathroom. When he returned they left and began walking down the street. Mike said that they were side by side and out of nowhere the guy turned to Mike and said, "Mike, I think I am going to piss myself,"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Mike asked in confusion. He was not just confused that a grown man was admitting to this but the bigger dilemma was that he had JUST BEEN to the "little boys room". Mike was dumbfounded by this confession, and as he turned to face the other guy he saw as the pee-stain began to form around his crotch, leading down the length of his leg and out through the bottom of his jeans. Mike watched, perplexed, as a puddle of urine began to form around the foot of this older gentleman. No words were exchanged and Mike began to start walking again, without knowing exactly what to do. He realized that the guy was still walking with him and turned and suggested, "Are you uncomfortable? Maybe you might want to go home and change?"

"Oh...yeah," the guy responded, "I guess you are right," and began to make his way home.

When Mike told me his story I could not stop laughing my ass off. There is no other person that something so crazy as this would have happened to, and I could just picture Mike's look of confusion as this situation began to escalate even further.

We joked about it all morning. I remembered my nephew calling my dad Pee-Paw, because he had to use the bathroom all the time, (even though he never had a problem making it to the toilet), and we deemed this older gentleman "Piss-Paw".

Since getting back to the daily grind I have been caught in the midst of a culture shock. On Tuesday I began at my new store in my new position and could not get the thoughts of that crazy night in P-town out of my little head. I longed to leave work and head back. It is a place that you will never want to leave.

I hope you find what you're looking for...make up your mind, and get in to the groove...

Too Shy, Shy

2009-09-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

People here don't approach one another in social settings. No wonder they get nicknamed "Massholes". Although it is tough to meet people when you go out on the town I have been lucky enough to meet two INCREDIBLE buddies, Mike and Rich. I consider myself quite blessed to have actually met worthwhile friends in the year and a half that I have been here. These guys are friends for life, I can already tell. But I don't pride myself on breaking through the shell of the locals, since neither of the two are originally from the area.

Whether you are looking to date, or just looking for new friends, Boston proves to be a tough cookie to take a bite of.

My friend Curtis was in town this past weekend, visiting from Atlanta. We have been buddies for quite some time now as well. I'm sure he would agree to tell you that we never really imagined that we would have proven to be friends this long, but when it is all said and done, Curtis is just good people.

Hush, Hush...

While doing a bit of bar-hoppin' throughout the weekend Curtis proved my theories correct. Nobody talks to one another. While we were standing around in this one bar this guy leans over and begins a conversation with me. He is in a circle of friends yet never introduces us to the rest of the group, although I made it a point to introduce him to Curtis. Socially Retarded much? With Massholes like this one how on earth are we to find new folks of which to chat it up?

While we were talking to this new found friend (?) another guy walked past. He was handsome. Had beautiful eyes, and he glanced to the side and gave me a smirk. A wave of heat rushed over my body as I was taken by surprise from this one tiny little gesture. Flirtation just does not happen that easily in New England, and when it does, it is rarely from individuals that would be considered that of the Sexykind.

Eye to Eye...

He walked past me, then made his way to the door. He looked back and we caught eyes once again before he made his exit.

Well, Shit.

What an awful thing to do; walk past and give me hope and then swipe a rug out from underneath me. How awful is that?

Then his friend caught a glimpse of someone he knew. Much to my delight they doubled back, giving Sexykind another chance to give face to me one more time. We flirted from afar. Smiling, smirking, and looking away. This was dumb, and I longed for a place where grown men could act just so. What was with this casual flirtation and yet no delivery of action? Why is it that at straight bars guys have no problem hitting on girls that DON'T flirt with them yet when it is TWO GUYS you would imagine that primal urge to be more overpowering and yet suddenly we are just a couple of little school girls? This just can't be right.

I pushed the idea of him from my mind after they left the bar that we were at. I figured, "why bother?" when I will never see him again, and if I do run into him more than likely will find out truths such as what his boyfriend looks like or even worse, his wife!

As we finished up our beers we decided to make our way to "Dick's Last Resort" so to speak. In Boston there is this seedy bar called "The Eagle" where guys make their way at the end of a "defeated" night in hopes to claim one last trophy to take home. Curtis and I went because it was one of the only bars in town that weekend that was not charging us a cover and me and him are thrifty when it comes to a few nickels and dimes.

When we walked in I headed straight for the bar and Curtis made a b-line for the bathroom. Before I could get his attention to ask "What do you want to drink?" he was already to the door, and when my eyes lowered from calling out to my friend they had rendezvous with Sexykind's halfway. He was sitting on a stool across from the bar and gave me no time for recovery before beginning his smirks. I turned away to gather thoughts and deliver an action plan while collecting my beer at the bar. I gave my self a wink and a nudge and turned around and walked straight up to his arena. "Hey, how are you?" I asked, and the "enlightening" flirtations began. He introduced me to his friend and said that they had been drinking all day long. We smiled and winked and smirked throughout but at the least we were actually talking to one another. I gathered that we were enjoying one another's company so I suggested an exchange of numbers. Plus, his friend was being whiney and should have been wearing a shirt that said "Cockblock". I was not amused.

I am still finding out that in this city of grown men that I am, by far, a MAN among men. I have always been the one to approach and for some reason it bothers me so much. It makes me feel like I am trying to hard, especially when they don't call or txt back right away from my advances. It makes me mad when I go out on to a limb only to feel like I am swinging from a tree like some stupid-assed monkey.

You guys are just too shy, shy, hush, hush, eye to eye.

Shut Up and put your Money where your Mouth is...

2009-09-03T20:31:00.001-07:00

It would be one thing if I was in Vegas, but I'm not. I am in Boston, MA. New England, EVEN!!! (that's for you, Kel, and SAYH-RAH!). I live in a place where Gay Marriage is LEGAL and yet for some reason, it seems like finding someone to settle down with, or date is even out of the question. There must be some secret hiding place for these settle-ready men. I see couples all the time walking around in the South End, shopping together in Copley Square, holding hands all over the place, just because they are so damn happy that New England just doesn't give a shit about their same sex relationship.

I'm at a really weird place in my life right now. I have joked with friends about "turning in my gay card" at the end of this year but the end of the year is coming fast, and it seems as though there is not much light at the end of this tunnel. So what's next? Women? I know you are laughing to but I mean c'mon? Is this what it boils down to?

I know in some countries, and often times right here in the U.S. There are perfectly good straight women that have decided that they give up (so to speak) and are ready to settle down. Since there are no straight men to fulfill these needs then they are looking to their closest gay Gal-pals to fill this void. What kind of relationship is this, you would think to ask?

A partnership of two adults that have committed to one another to love, care, and honor each other in the hopes of one day sharing that love with a child. Is this the definition of true love? Is this what marriage looks like after all? If after the years go by and you find yourself in a sex-less marriage is it so bad to skip all these years and move into the "Golden Years"?

I look at the gay couples I see. Recently I spotted two gay men with a young boy. By assumption I guessed that the boy was their son. I mean, at least one of their sons. Two "dads". One in plain clothes, unrecognizable to the untrained eye. And the other was in full Rainbow brigade garb donning a tight muscle tee baring arms and midriff, with low-cut (problem women's) jeans. He had that "I took too much Hydroxcut this summer" emaciated look about him. Typical gay. I thought about what it must be like to be this young boy looking up from his root beer. Oh, and that was another problem. These fags had this boy sitting with them at the bar. They had beers, he had a root beer. NO GOOD - Says Suzy Social Worker!

It was disheartening to think that a gay couple was not only given rights to be married but also rights to have children, and this is what they were doing to raise this child. What a nightmare! Was this the new frontier for gay child rearing? Teaching children all the motions of how to be a gay man?

I saw another gay father on a different night (yet, at the same restaurant come to think of it,) with his son. This father looked emaciated but not from too much Hydroxcut. He looked sick. And not with the common cold. It was weird to think of a kids perspective of growing up with a father that was living with HIV. Would you watch him fade away? Is it fair that you did not ask to become his caretaker in your adult life, but it would be what you were destined to become?

I am ready to find a man of my own. My timeline keeps ticking and I was hoping for us to have this relationship gig down pat before moving on to childhood. Yet, IN MY HEAD, I had always thought of starting the adoption process when I was 30. I heard it took a few years and that is the time frame I had come up with. Who knew that I would be on the verge of turning 28 and not have accomplished anything that I had hoped for, even though in retrospect I never knew what all I had envisioned being accomplished at this point in my life.

It is funny to think of how time flies. Where on earth did the time go?

Well, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas

Emotional Promotional

2009-08-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

Today I was promoted. I don't start until next Tuesday (officially) but I got the offer and took the job as of today. I'm glad. I feel the need for a restart. I need a new challenge and I am ready to take it. This day was off to a very rocky start. I went to work for a manager's meeting only to leave and come back in the afternoon. I was the manager in charge for the night and had to come help run the store, so to speak, for the latter half of the day.

As I walked past my manager's office when I arrived at work at 2pm she cautiously motioned for me to come into her office. Sirens went off in my mind, calling out voracious screams of "THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN THE SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN!" What was she getting ready to say? Was she about to let me down easy? This would have been the worst. Finding out that I am SO not the candidate for the job and not even from the manager that interviewed me from the position. I was not worthy enough to even be told that I did not get it. This however, was not the case. She started with the good...no...sorry, scratch that, the not-as-bad news, but awful news, that one of my employees was in the hospital and would be there for a few days. Dammit. Then she went on to tell me that another one of my employees was "no longer with us." Which I cannot go into detail about and actually, am only aware of the detail that they are "no longer with us." Another Dammit.

The only reason I even showed up to work today was because I knew that I would have my answer about this pending promotion. I knew that I would find out if I was worthy or not so I ventured into work today. Only to get caught in a storm full of shit. To think of how upset my stomach was while waiting for my answer over the weekend, just think about it now that my department, in one day and in one instance crumbled before my eyes. Scary shit.

I'm optimistic though, I mean, I'm moving on, so I have to be. I am making the most of what I can before I leave and hoping that things will work themselves out in the end. I love my team. I hired them myself and they are a great bunch of dudes. I will truly miss them when I make my move to my new locale.

This week will turn out to be long as shit. I will work a few more nights than usual, I will work a few rounders here and there. But as I have planned it I will still have my Labor Day weekend off. My buddy Curtis is coming to town and we are staying at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in Boston Prop-AH! We aren't romantical of any sorts but we are just really good buddies that have managed to keep in touch since about forever ago in Charlotte. We met through our mutual friend Andy and I think it is safe to say on both of our behalves that neither one of us ever imagined our friendship would last this long but regardless of the "how we met back when" stories we never stop laughing when we are together. Especially when we talk about Svetlana!

Sunday we will take a Ferry boat to P-town and spend the night there as well. We will return on Monday and it is by all means a vacation that has been a long time coming. It will work out perfect to get this all out of my system and then to move on. Curtis is coming up straight from Atlanta and I can't wait for one big giant dose of SOUTHERN!

YEEEEEEE-HAW!!!

You Ain't Seen the Best of Me Yet...

2009-08-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

This has been one long ass year and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Even though the rest of the world is as broke as I have been over the last year I can't help feeling like a victim of sorts. I took this promotion originally to move ahead and UP. Not to run flat or fall behind. Now, granted, no one could have predicted this turn in the economy but geez! This has really been tough. I am optimistic though, as I look towards the future, and not just for retail. I feel like we are a resilient group of people, us Americans. I feel like when we get hit, not only do we fight back but we also learn lessons along the way. This turn in the economy has definitely changed the face of retail and not just for today and tomorrow but for next year and the years to follow after that. People won't be shopping like they used to once this economic dark cloud rises and the sun begins to shine through. The will begin to be more cautious. It is that lack of responsibility that got them in trouble in the first place.

I am ready for a change. I am taking steps towards making those changes as we speak. And when the customers start to come back, you know, the ones that left and thought that they wouldn't look back, I'll be ready and waiting. Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest...

Remember my name, "Fame"

2009-08-28T11:32:00.001-07:00

Baby look at me, and tell me what you see...

Even if you haven't seen the best of me yet, I still feel as though I have had a lot of it taken away from me. These past few months have been stressful as I have moved out of one apartment and into another in the pursuit of a cheaper cost of living. I downsized my entire life including the bed that I have called my own for nearly 10 years and a desk that belonged to my older brother when he was in high school. Letting go of the past is inevitable in preparing for a brighter future.

Today, at Target, while I was ONLY supposed to be shopping for a wireless router I picked up 4 CD's. One was for me, but one was for a friends upcoming birthday, so I can't talk about that one. Another was the Soundtrack to the remake version of the movie "Fame". I am a BIG TIME FAN of the original movie and I am on my way to becoming an even bigger fan of the new one. Especially since they got Naturi who played Lil'Kim in the Notorious movie to play the lead character's role. The new version of the title track from the film is incredible. It sends chills up and down my spine thinking of it being my theme song on a fast track to stardom but then I let out a big sigh and dream of a wish that may never actually arrive. The other CD was a Dance Hits compilation but has some REALLY great remixes on it. So all in all yes, I wasted MORE of my hard earned money, but in all fairness, i-tunes does not work on my roommates computer and until I can figure out my self how to install the "self-install" kit for High Speed Internet from Comcast, then I am stuck without my connection to hit singles and will be forced to get the first weekend $9.98 promo offer at Target.

I'm feeling incredibly lazy today. My lack of a sense of urgency overwhelms me when I look at the clock and see that is is nearing 3PM and that now my day is shot to shit. I rolled out of bed around 10 AM, which is pretty much half the day for me. I was too tired and worn out from a long week to head straight to the gym so ideally I will muster the energy to go right before closing time tonight. I left the house closer to Noon to make the trek to Target for the wireless router and now that I am back home, as it turns out, the trip was pointless because I can't figure out how to install it properly. I don't understand what kind of cable company comes out to your house and leaves an unopened modem, and a box labeled "Self-Install Kit". I mean is that the service/labor fee that we paid for? I could have driven to their office and picked it up myself.

Either way I am stuck on my roommates computer and am dying to be on my own. I am dying to live in a world of my blog and make desperate attempts to write more often and consistently for my slowly growing brood of followers.

As I Youthfully Decline

2009-08-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

Where is my youth going? Monday night we did inventory at the store. We did not close our doors until 9pm and when it was all said and done I was out by 3:30AM. I remember the days when at 3:30AM I was catching what I used to call a second wind. I was pulling through the drivethrough at Jack-In-The-Box and ordering up a trio of Jack's Famous Egg Rolls.

The night was young, but now I am not. The day following inventory I had to be up at 8 and back at the store by 9am. I wound up having a customer that took up my entire morning and lasted with me until about 3pm. Then I had to follow up with the Store info manager about the productivity of my department's inventory and by then it was a belated lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. By the time I returned from lunch I realized that the end of my day was past due.

I had to pick up my car from Sears because when trying to leave inventory fairly early I realized that I had a huge lug nut/screw thing stuck in my tire and it was all the way through so I had to buy a new set. $300 for a set of tires from a brand I have never heard of. Go figure. It seems like lately it is just one thing after the other. Life never stops happening around you even when it feels as though it is going your way. You can't keep it from happening. This week it just seems to be wearing on me a little harder than the week before. Mostly because of a lack of sleep. Tonight when I got home from work my roommate and I watched one episode of Sex and the City and by the ending credits we both had our eyes shut. I turned off the tv and laid on the couch for a while, whereas she decided to throw in the towel and go straight to bed. It was about 7 pm and the sound of bed was too enticing to pass up. I went into my room to lay down and now as it turns out it is 1AM and I am up and at 'em.

My eyes are still sleepy so I may lay down for a bit but all in all, my body aches of age and worth. I feel like I have been through the ringer and now I am ready for someone to hang me out to dry...

Reunion of Sorts

2009-08-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

I have taken it upon myself (and with heavy suggestion of my high school peers) to plan my High School's 10 year reunion. Not for one second would I have ever considered doing something like this while I was in high school, so it is kind of funny for me to even think of doing it now.

When I thought about it I figured that most High School Reunions are probably pretty boring. People that don't like each other or really even care about where the others have been or where the others are going rally together for one night, and for what purpose? For me I am quite happy with where my life is right now. Looking back I don't, and never really felt, like I have anything to prove to my yesteryear friendships and I hope that most of the others from my graduating class will feel the same.

Realizing that nearly 10 years have passed since I was an 18 year old fresh out of high school is a really tough thing to face. I find it odd when 21 year olds tell me that they don't know Zack Morris. I guess it is those little realizations that help you consider the fact that "things were different, when we were young". Scary, isn't it?

I wanted to help plan my High School reunion because I want to have a hand in a celebration of the years that have passed. I am looking forward to being around the people who grew up with Zack and AC Slater. I am ready to be around all the guys that had a crush on Kelly Kapowski and all the girls who learned lessons about drug abuse from Jesse Spano because she was "so excited, so, so, so, scared." Whether it was a good time, a bad time, or a tough time, we shared important moments in our lives together and I think that hands down, that is something worth coming together to celebrate.

I also considered the fact that we were different. Always have been, and always will. In elementary school they deemed us "Drug Free Class of 2000". They had high hopes for us, and grand expectations. We are the millinial generation. The class of Y2K, the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, and the ones that brought you Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. We might have had a rocky start but just like Justin and Britney we keep on rockin' and we won't give up yet.

As our parents scold us for our terrible spending habits and our rebellion towards planning and saving for a brighter future the way that they did when they were our age, we are a generation of NOW.

Over the years as a class we have done a pretty good job at making attempts to stay connected. Which is more than I could say about the other classes ahead or behind us. For three years in a row Tyber Creek hosted the Annual Christmas Cocktail. The first year it was somewhat more cozy, but by the second and third year the crowed had doubled and tripled in size. The core of the group was Class of 2000 alums. Over the years the party grew to be friends of friends and those from "rival" high schools and such and so on. But a reunion starts with an idea. So my idea and thoughts are if that many people can rally together for three years in a row, just think of how many could show up to our actual 10 year High School Reunion.

Hot Child in the City

2009-08-22T06:01:00.001-07:00

Okay so I have been here for about a year and a half now and yet everyday I remind myself that I am still somewhat new. It is such a hassle making the effort to get out and about and get your name and face out there that sometimes it feels almost better left undone. Needless to say, I NEVER quit trying.

Last week I was invited to a going away party. The going-away-er was a friend of a friend. We don't really even know each other all that well, but the gesture was well recieved when they invited me. I decided that I MUST MUST MUST go and meet some new people and if for no other reason AT ALL, then at least to possibly network somewhat for work. It's hard out there for everybody but in retail sometimes there are unseen customers that just need a little reminder that we exist. Often times this is enough to get at least a few bites in commissions.

When I recieved the e-vite I pondered over the idea of arriving by myself which would be somewhat scary to do (yet I am almost used to) or taking my buddy Lil'Mikey, or possibly my kindred spirit, Jo. I clicked "Accept" and R.S.V.P.'d for ONE. I decided to face my fears head on and venture out on this one alone.

I left work somewhat early to get a haircut, but on my way to my new fav barbershop realized that they were on vacation until next week. So I drove down Mass. Ave until I came upon a barbor known as "Fast Phil". $10 a cut! So whatever, He cut it, I'm not thrilled, but at least it is shorter. I rushed home to change, take a minute to sit down in front of the fan and try to cool off. It has been so hot and humid these last few days, it can really get the best of you from time to time. I made my way to Porter Sq. which is the closest T that I know of with a free parking lot for my car. When I got off at my destination I was anxious to make my way to the apartment. I had google mapped it on my phone and when looking at a map on your phone one truely never knows exactly where he is going. I began to cross the street while anxiously anticipating the changing of the lights. All of the cars except one had completely passed through the intersection and way back in the distance approached a beat up old Mercedes, which the yuppie driver probably elects to reference his car as "vintage"). Of course by the time I was halfway through the road they decide to speed up as if to not see me in the middle of the road. I know this trick, because I invited it myself. Then when they approached they slammed their breaks and caused a scene of dramatic affect. They threw up their hands and pointed at me, they did the Massachusetts sign language for "What idiot crosses the road on green?" In my typical fashion and as a part of my new found love of this MA culture, I yelled back, "I'm in the middle of the road now, asshole what do you want me to do? Run me over then!" Of course my array of 4 letter words was much more detailed and indepth than as described here, but nevertheless, you get the idea.

At the party it was beautiful. On the roof top. The weather had somewhat cooled off. It was perfect. That is until many many other people started to arrive. On the roof that was about an 8 foot by 8 foot space there were well over 20 people. This, of course, counteracted the benefit of the nice cooler night air, since there was all of the sudden, so much hot air, in the midst.

The party consisted of MOSTLY Harvard Alumni. This, I assumed, was the first of many to come for me. If I plan on being in New England much longer then I might as well get used to being the only person at the party with JUST an undergrad degree. Doctors and Lawyers and their allies were the majority. On 5 different occasions I was asked if I was in Medicine as well. I kept wanting to reference Grey's Anatomy, but just felt like that would have made me look and feel like an even bigger idiot. When they were not talking about medicine they were conversing about past, present, and future athletic endeavors. Marathons, Half-marathons, biking, hiking, running, and swimming. "Great," I thought to myself, "I'm either dumb as fuck, or fat as fuck!"

While in the beginning of this party I felt like it would be well on its way to nowhere for me, by the end I was having a great time. I had found a few small circles that allowed me to be the center of attention. In fact, once people heard that I was the host's personal clothing stylist they were all over me. They were intrigued by my profession and they were in awe of what I do. I had people coming up to me asking "Are you the stylist?" "How do you become a stylist?"

It was insane. I handed out all the business cards that I had on hand. I promoted my blog and hopefully will be seeing some additional "followers" in the near future.

When you live in a new place (and Boston is still fairly new to me, as everyday I discover another part I love about living in this city) it is important to try. You don't have to always be pleased with the result or the consequence, but at the least, you have to try.

An Invitation to the Dance of Life

2009-08-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

It's over. At least. For now anyways. I won't be seeing him any time soon unless I ante up and make my move. For a while I had him going. There were alterations to be picked up, a missed shirt size that we had to order and so on. But now we are done. No more orders. No more alterations. Done. Finished. Completed.

In our conclusion there was a slight awkwardness on his behalf. I finished ringing up the transaction and walked his bag around the corner as usual. Then upon concluding I mentioned, "You are all set now..." it seemed as though this was not good enough for him. Maybe there was a step that I had forgotten? It was as if he wanted to say more to me but just didn't have the courage or know-how. He stumbled over words and said "...Yeah, Um, Okay..." PAUSE "Well..."

"Was there something else you needed to take care of today?" I asked my crush. But he hesitated, and then declined. An overwhelming sense of dissappointment rushed over me. This cannot be it I began to think to myself. Is it really over? At least for now? I hate that I lose track of words, and often lose sight of my goal towards flirtation. I am nervous around him because of the emmense potential for a brighter future that I can invision along side him.

He is not devistatingly handsome but he is very, very attractive. He is kind, and he is endearing. It is awfully hard not to fawn over someone like him. He has an innocence about him. An almost closeted innocence. A close friend of mine even noted that I could possibly be his very first. This, of course, is something I would have never wanted in the past. But it does lend itself to an easy out from the wonders and perils of that which is the gay culture. If he has not been fully exposed then it would make for an easy escape on my behalf.

I keep procrastinating when it comes to sending "the follow-up email". I am nervous that I will say too much, and scared that I might say too little. I need to sound completely professional, while sending a completely tongue-in-cheek flirtatious undercurrent. In most work environments, this would be known as sexual harrassment. So therefore presents itself as a total conundrum. I am dumbfounded. What now? I keep thinking that I could mention something about enjoying how he challenges my fashion know-how. I could let him know that he is more than welcome to challenge me again. Then it falls flat. Where does that lead the email?

I asked a friend of mine, this guy I dated briefly here, but turned out to be just friends. He said that I need to switch the arena. So far he feels like he has to shop and spend in order to spend time with me. This friend suggested that I must take this notion out of the equation but how so? It would be too straight forward of me to invite him to brunch. At least not through any email. I could lose my job if I am the one to call him. Yet how can I give him the green light to call me?

I went out to the club this past weekend and he was all that I could think about. You know, the honest truth of the matter might even be that it is just the idea of him. It is the fantasy that I have created around him that I long for. I am tired of this culture. I am fed up with the gays.

I watched a TV show tonight where this VERY attractive man, early thirties, or so, (and driving a Mercedes SUV) decided to get reconstructive hair surgery in order to start dating once again. I thought, how pathetic is this guy? He is attractive. From the looks of his car has a stable job and income. Yet he wants it all. Maybe he is too picky. That is just dumb. He is someone that I would go on a date with and wouldn't give his missing hair folicles a second thought. So what is it that makes him feel the need to go through these hoops to physically attract a male counterpart. It nearly brought me to tears to think of a world that makes this our solution.

Its unfortunate that we all must go parading around in such absurd fashion. But for now, just come here, let me whisper in your ear...

Celebrate the Wins

2009-08-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

Okay so my fool proof plan would have been better served if not delivered by that of a fool. "You missed a pretty amazing brunch on Sunday"...Awkward Pause. Response: "Yeah." Not "Yeah?" Just "Yeah." Note...the period.

It fell flat after that. Amidst our typically falsified flirtatatious banter I still found myself dumbstruck. We spent over two hours together. My counterpart that is fully furnished says that he MUST be into me becuase what striaght guy would spend that much time with another dude that wasn't one of his close friends on a random Thursday afternoon.

I guess it feels good to realize that if nothing else, he enjoys spending time with me, right? Celebrate the wins. He smiles at me and doesn't flinch when I touch his arm. Celebrate the wins. He makes purposeful efforts to have more and more reasons to come back to see me. Celebrate the wins. He eats up everything I say. Celebrate the wins.

His birthday is tomorrow. He has no plans. He is between flights coming in to town from visiting friends in NYC and heading out the following week on a business trip. He seemed to make the effort to tell me his birthday was on Sunday. If this was not an unidentified "missed connection" then I don't know what is. I barely tell my best friends that it is my birthday, let alone the salesperson that picks out my ties.

Typically. If you have not yet thus far figured out. I over analyze. Everything. I do it all the time. And so do you, so shut up and let me keep going...

He is just normal. I am dying for us to just get on with our normal lives and give up everything else that is gay in the world. Wouldn't that be something special? Escape from all the vapid gays that are devoid of any real substance or worth. I would look forward to bringing him to brunch with my buddies. We could double date with the other couples that we knew. We would plan outdoorsy style events that we would venture off to do on the weekends. But my favorite part about our future would be the just me and him part. The times when we woke up in our room together and didn't step foot into the outside world.

He seems normal enough. Yet from his lack of giving off a gay effect I am really started to wonder if he is or if he isn't. I have plans to tell him happy birthday tomorrow but after that I don't know what to do. I have placed orders for multiple items for him. Could it have been a strategic move on his part? Tomorrow will not by any means be the last time I see him. I will get another visit this week when he comes to pick up the rest of the ordered items. So that is two instances that we have planned out thus far in our near future.

Here's hoping that he brings his wallet tomorrow and we can plan a few more...

Hurts to Flirt

2009-07-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago this customer came into the store. I was standing on the hard isle talking to one of my employees and immediately he caught my attention making his way down the isle right towards my department. I greeted him from afar, so as to secure my spot in the running for the title of "most helpful salesperson" and guaranteed myself a front row seat for the show that was about to begin.

His name was Andy, and at the time, he was on a mission. "It's a beautiful day outside," (one of the first of the New England "Springtime season") "and I don't want to be in here for long!" He told me he was looking to add a new suit to his wardrobe and I immediately new which one I wanted him to have. The fit was perfect. It was slimming and quite Euro, if I do say so myself. It was also a swatch that was quite distinct in and of itself. So he went with it. The tailor made their marks and off he went. It was quick, and easy, and it was over in all of 10 minutes. In the rushing of this process I had to assure him that it was a good purchase, indeed. He had never made a suiting decision in such a short amount of time but I made sure that he knew that I was confident in my choice for appropriate suiting.

When he came back to pick up his finished suit he mentioned that he wanted my assistance in picking out some ties and shirts, since I had been so helpful with the suit selection. While meandering around the Men's Furnishings department and talking about this style or the next we were at the point of ALMOST flirtation. This is an area of grey in the retail world. There is a thin line between actual and genuine flirtation and that of a great customer service story. Needless to say I am clueless when it comes to differentiating between the two.

I had no problem spending an ample amount of time with Andy. Even if most of what I picked out for him was too over the top, in his humble opinion, to wear for where he works. I understood and set out to make sure that our decisions were precise and distinct.

We enjoyed talking with one another and the exchange of useful ideas and knowledge was mutual. I could tell he was enjoying his shopping experience but at what point was he complimenting my "service" and at what point was he actually just complimenting "me". It was too soon to tell. At one point he did declare, "Wow, this is the best service I have ever had in any shopping experience, I don't think I will ever shop anywhere else again!" This was leaning towards more of an excellent customer service letter.

Then he took a phone call, he excused himself and took the call. While on the phone I overheard what sounded like the makings of a first or second date. "...well where do you want to eat? I am finishing up here in a bit but I will call you when I am done." His tone indicated that the date was NOT his most important priority and that finishing his "shopping experience" with me was in fact at the top of his list. After ending the call he apologized again for the interruption. There was a sadness in my affect that was more than likely apparent upon his return, because if you know me whatsoever, then you know I am not one to hide emotion. I was feeling let down because I figured we had reached the point in the transaction when I realize that he is straight and probably on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend that he has had since high school, or that he is in a "committed, but play" relationship with his "monogamous" boyfriend which still nullifies any preceding efforts on both of our behalves.

After apologizing, then a pause (hopefully noticing the sulking nature of my demeanor) he added, quickly, "I'm meeting my dad for dinner". I felt my eyebrows raise upon my face with anticipation of opportunity. I tried to calm down my facial muscles just the slightest bit so as not to give secrets away. I was happy to hear that he was the kind of guy that met his dad for dinner. He said that his mother was traveling and that dad was home all alone. It sounded much like that of my own relationship with my own father and in the end I was happy to think of a future with someone else who valued spending time with family.

Spending time with Andy was peaceful. I did not fear for the dangers ahead, which typically follows the time spent with any other random gay dude. The fear of a lack of commitment, the idea of non-monogamy. The fear of HIV and drug abuse. Oh what a tangled web they weave, and baby...I am nobody's Black Widow.

He has a calm nature about him and I feel warmth and sincerity in his voice. He is successful in his work and has a focus and drive to succeed and continue. He is everything that I could hope for in a mate. There is just one problem. I am a horrible flirt.

I am hoping that the solution to this problem is that he is a horrible flirt as well. I am hoping. I am praying. That both of us suck at flirting and that eventually things will just fall in to place for both of us. Time never hurt anyone and since for most of my life I have been way to anxious, this has become a situation where I do not mind to not rush head on into things that could (or could NOT) be.

It is almost fun not knowing. It is fun to think of a life that could happen. Aside from knowing that it could never be.

He came in more recently for this current sale that we have going on. We picked out another suit for him and this time mutually decided not to take as much time looking for shirts and ties. I like that he gives me push back, with reason, at the choices I pick out for him. I like that he knows a little bit about what he wants out of life, even if it is only in regards to the fashion choices that we make together concerning his own personal style. Spending time with him is absolutely delightful.

On this more recent go round I felt like we were both making flailing attempts at flirtation. He mentioned "cheating" on me while traveling to other cities that had bigger and "better" stores with more product selection. Then when ringing up the transaction he brought up his dog and mentioned that the dog's name was "Tucker" (my last name). He smiled really big. Then I said, "Oh thats a GREAT name!" His reply was, "Yeah...yeah it really is." This was how our time was spent. With inappropriate pauses and opportunistic blank spots. Was this flirtation or social retardation? I couldn't really tell you the difference. He asked me if I was working all weekend. I told him that I was off the following day. Then he asked if I had big plans. I thought this would be a great opportunity to feel him out a bit and see what his response would be, by telling him that I had a date that I was not looking forward to. Instead I said that I was having brunch with "a new friend", and would prefer to have brunch with "old friends". I mentioned the restaurant, "Gaslight" for brunch and his eyes lit up with excitement. "Oh really? I have eaten there for dinner but never for brunch."

This was one of those opportunistic pauses. I should have said, "Oh you HAVE to check it out, if you ever need some one to go with, I'm THERE!" But I didn't.

This line is officially on the back burner. When he comes in to pick up his clothes on Thursday, this will be my new plan of action. I will tell him that he really missed out on a great brunch. Then I will tell him that he has to check it out sometime and then I will offer up my company to him.

It will be neutral.

It will be Non-Committal.

It will be Non-Gender Specific.

It will be absolutely Genius.

Here's hoping I have the nuts to go through with it...

Chickenshit, Chickenshit,

Help me win,

Teach me how to flirt,

So I can begin...

I Get a Funny Feeling...

2009-07-23T15:16:00.001-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that the rest of the world is laughing at you? I get that feeling all the time. I have had that feeling ever since I was a child. This overwhelming sense of being made fun of with fingers pointing and laughter following. The saddest part about it is that none of it was ever true. For the most part kids are just awkward. They have no rhyme or reason for the things they do or say.

Are adults just the same way? I feel as though, at least in my dating arena, aka my own personal hell, that the audience (whomever they might be) is laughing at me. Pointing. And Laughing. I just feel like it is one big joke. Does anybody else get the punch line? I don't.

I guess this fear of people laughing comes from an unsureness that I have about my self. I can never tell when I am being hit on, or flirted with and more importantly I can NEVER tell when a guy actually likes me. I love to flirt but typically stick to the uglies and just use them for practice. When it comes time to ante up to the plate I turn to chicken shit. I freeze. I can't function. I explained it to one friend on a night out on the town. I told her to watch. It was awful. When I truly am attracted to someone I will go and hangout close by them. I will make eyes at them but am too nervous to smile or wink. So instead of looking flirtatious I typically look like I am plotting on following them home and stabbing them. To say the least, my actions are not as endearing as they are typically intended to be.

The same problematic flirtation devices come into play on a day to day basis. At work. At the Gym. At Starbucks. I can't flirt. My face gets tense because of how much pressure I feel inside and the result is an mean looking dude that looks like he hasn't taken a dump in 5 days. I look constipated. Stuck. Scared. Weird. Straight even! I get the feeling often times from gay guys that my intense demeanor is giving off a vibe of "Don't fuck with me, or I'll kill ya". This is NO GOOD I tell you! NO GOOD!

I can't help it. When a guy comes in to shop I stay focused on work. Even if I toy with the idea of what I would say if he were to ask me out for drinks. To date, there has been only ONE customer in my 8 years of working retail that has ever been so brazen as to ask me out for an after work drink. Take a guess at how interested I may have been in that one. NOT AT ALL! He turned out to be a really great friend but the entire friendship was weird anyway because it started on a whim of him asking me out on a drink date thinking that it would journey down a totally different road than it had.

That night that we had a drink he asked me straight forward and to this day jokes about my response, "I can't really say that I would see that happening; ever." He mocks my bitchy tone when he tells it to other friends but secretly I know he is bitter. He is that date that turned into a friend that if he drinks JUST enough he will try to hit on you again. NOT GOOD!

So regardless of this, I feel like the laughing stock of the dating world. The guys that ask me out lately are pitiful. I am trying to hold firm to a strict NO MERCY DATE policy but it is tough when you don't get hit on by the guys you keep hoping will slip you a "CHECK YES OR NO" asking "WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?"

It's a hard knock life, for us...

instead of kisses, we get kicked...

Way back when, I had this friend...

2009-07-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've been through a lot of friendships. I've been through a lot of heartaches and hardships. When I look back on the ashes in my wake I am impressed with the few that have stuck around over the years. I'm grateful for all of the experiences I have ever had along the way. They have turned out to make me value the close friends and hold onto those relationships for as long as I can.

Way back when, I had this friend. We'll call him Frankie. He dated this guy that was really quite awful. D-Rock. That's what we'll call him. The names are not that far fetched from the truth but all-in-all I don't really care. Frankie was really self-conscious. His parents raised him to be so. His father put a lot of value in the "power" of money. Frankie was spoiled and most of the time when he would "treat" us to dinner it was his father's money, not his own. If my dad were to read this he would laugh, I had my fair share of using my father's money growing up, but the difference, is that I grew out of it. Once I moved out on my own I realized the value of money. Especially when you are the one that is supposed to be making it on your own.

Frankie would take us to dinner at Steakhouses that we would have never ventured into on our own dime. It was the first time I was ever introduced to a dinner bill that totaled over $400. Frankie would buy rounds of drinks for the entire group all night long. At our local favorite hangout he had a running tab. He pretty much just left it open for weeks at a time. Frankie drove a BMW SUV and I never really thought twice about it. I thought it was a nice car, but big deal right?

I have to admit. There was a night. A moment of weakness. Frankie and I had had a big night of drinking. There were quite a few of those. We got back to his place to spend the night and while waiting for our late night snack to cook he put on David Grey. Blah, Blah, Blah, Teardrops and Dumb. David Grey is the worst thing to listen to after a night of drinking when you are trying to wind down. But as it were, at the time, Frankie always called the shots. I sat beside him on the couch as he broke down into tears. He spoke of his fear of his father. He spoke about how all that he wanted and hoped for was that people would like him. He tried to reason with me that people only liked him because of his car and money. I thought it was hilarious. As it turned out, I was now beginning to dislike him because of his car and money. It was always the center of attention.

One week, for our Spring Break, the group went to Atlanta. It is the Southern Gay Mecca. It was my first gay visit there and it was ONE FUN WEEKEND! Matt, Frankie, Brandon...all of us went. Brandon's mom got us a deal on a huge hotel room. Otherwise it would have cost over $300 a night. That weekend we had a lot of fun. Living it up. Spending Frankie's dime. Not a care in the world.

There were the good times, though. Seriously. There were times when he was a great friend. One year for my birthday he and Adair plotted together. He came and picked me up at my apartment. I remember he was talking down to me and being rude and mean to me as he usually had been. I remember thinking that I should just get out of the car and walk back to my apartment from the gas station that we had stopped at before getting on the highway. Frankie drove us to Adair's parents house in Greensboro. Adair had said that she wanted to throw a party for me at their house since they were out of town and invite all of her friends. I had met them here and there, but I can't say in all honesty that I liked all or even most of them. So I found it awkward and I thought it was going to be another awful birthday for me.

It was just Frankie, Adair, Katie, Katie's boyfriend, and myself in the kitchen. Frankie and Adair were being weird, making phone calls and sneaking off. Then Adair brought out a bottle of Hypnotiq vodka. At the time it was my favorite because Lil'Kim said that she drank it. It is pretty gross cause it is a mix of Cognac, Vodka, and passionfruit juice. It is one of the blackest things I have ever been a part of besides drinking Kool-Aid as a child. It was a sweet sentiment nonetheless. Then they acted like we were ready to leave and as we walked down the entire driveway I saw that they had gotten me a limo for my birthday. It was the nicest gesture anyone had ever done for me on my birthday and I loved it very much. We went to our favorite little gay club in Greensboro and had a wild time, but then we left and went to a straight bar with an 80's cover band. I actually had an amazing time there as well. It was one of the most fun nights I have ever had. Adair, Frankie and myself were three of a kind and we were thick as thieves.

When Adair graduated from college her mother rented us a hotel room down on the strip at Myrtle Beach. We went down a night early and Frankie met us the next day. He rented a car and drove it to MB so as to not add mileage to his BMW. Yeah, that was Frankie.

We had a blast that weekend. The first night Adair and myself went to this bar called Motherfletchers. It is a tacky bar on the strip. They have an outside bar attached to the club and you can sit right on the sidewalk and people watch, AS YOU DRINK! It was my favorite spot. We both took turns flirting with the bartender (just for fun, he was a native). Being a Native Myrtle Beachean he would flirt with anything that talked. He was fun though. He gave us a few drinks on the house. Then we mentioned how fun it would be if we had a joint. So he gave us one. That's the glory of Myrtle Beach. Ask; Receive!

Adair and I made our way back to our hotel room. When we got back to the room the first thing we did was put on our pajamas and headed down to the beach. We had too much to drink to finish our joint. I remember us looking out on the ocean and Adair made attempts to be profound. "Isn't it weird how the ocean just moves back and forth?" she asked me. "Well, actually, it is scientifically linked with the moon and there is a just cause and reason for the tide". She was not impressed. Adair hated how I liked to prove her wrong. When Frankie was around they could team up together. They could both take turns poking fun at me, or at the least have someone else to laugh at their dumb jokes.

During another weekend in Atlanta it was the weekend of the Madonna concert. My FIRST Madonna concert and possibly one of her best. The Reinvention Tour. Adair and I had bought tickets and brought along my then sidekick, Dale. He was underage at the time but had a fake passport that said differently. For the most part Dale always acted like someone that was older. So I had to constantly remind myself that he was not, that is, unless he reminded me first. He tried very hard not to let it show. He was embarrassed of his age. But when we ventured out to a 21+ bar that night he freaked out when he saw a policeman at the door. When we were about 3 people away from him he turned to me and said "I don't know about this," right in front of the cop. I rolled my eyes. "What an idiot" I thought. Of course you shouldn't know about it now that you just bitched out right in plain sight of the officer!

Dale was not let in the club that night. Adair suggested we all just go back to the hotel and order a pizza. I thought that was dumb. I didn't spend money on a hotel room and gas on a trip to Atlanta to sit in my hotel room with my little baby brother. So in my adolescence, I chose doing what was wrong as opposed to being a good friend. I went to the club while Dale and Adair made their way back to the hotel.

In my youth that was always my way of thinking. Fuck up now, have fun, and fix it later. It was a very bad way to deal with friendships. Then again, isn't that what maturity is for? learning from those godawful mistakes?

So in the bar, instead of getting to hang out with Adair and Dale I was forced to hang out with Frankie and his boyfriend D-Rock. Frankie and my friendship had been dwindling at the time and we were at the end of our rope. So needless to say, it was not turning out to be a fun evening. I shared a cab with D-Rock and Frankie to the next bar. At the time I remember thinking that D-Rock was too old for Frankie. When we got to the next bar, and I remember, it was Jungle back then, D-Rock was excited and anxious to take his shirt off. He was fit, for his age. But then again I had to add, "for his age". If this is your reasoning for someones level of health condition, then it is needless to say that they should better leave their shirt on at the club.

On the cab ride home I was in complete hell. Frankie pouted. D-rock graveled. They argued and I had to listen. I was disgusted with contempt for Frankie. Why would he put up with someone that angered him so much? That confession on the couch summed it up for me.

My tickets for Madonna's show made it up to me anyway. I had finally trumped Frankie. I was on the floor. I was a fanclub member. Frankie's tickets were in plain sight, way up away from the floor, of our seats. He watched Adair and myself through the entire concert.

My tickets trumped Frankie's by a landslide and on our way to Atlanta, we rode in my 1990 Honda Accord. As it turns out, the best things in life are free.

The Move Groove

2009-07-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get into it. I really am. It is tough though because one of the BIGGEST events of the year with my company is about to take place. Its a balancing act. I have about two weeks to get all of this in line and I am tired just thinking about it. My roommate and I have finally come into agreement after MANY conversations and emails back and forth.

I can't tell you how excited I am to just be completely DONE with this apartment complex. The staff, the area, and my neighbors. All the neighbors that I liked have either moved out or been evicted. The economy sucks for every one and I think it is funny that this is one apartment community that is losing tenants because they would prefer to evict than to award patronage.

Regardless I won't be dealing with it any further.

I am moving into a much smaller living space but I am anxious to become accustomed to what these people call "city living". My overall preference when this is all said and done would be to live IN THE CITY! and by CITY I mean the CITY of BOSTON. NOT NEW YORK. NEW YORK SHMU YORK!.

So hopefully living in a smaller quarters will help me figure it all out. I am moving into my friend Katie's sunroom. It will be dirt cheap and I will have a huge kitchen to cook in. I won't waste my leftovers because I can cook for my two roommates. I won't be the one to pay the bills or be responsible for turning rent in on time. I CAN'T WAIT! I am leaving all of my furniture behind in an effort to start anew. I am hoping to just wipe this slate clean and get the essentials for my new room; a bed and a desk. DONE.

I also think that the set up I am moving into will encourage me to explore the city a little more. I have toyed with the idea of getting rid of my car but I will probably miss it too much and feel stranded all the time if I have to depend on the bus or (God forbid!) the T! We will see how my adventure into the world of public transportation goes but all-in-all my car is paid off in October so that is one less payment I will have to face. Slowly but surely I am taking baby steps towards the life I need to be living right now. It is so damn hard to do.

I hope that I have a future in New England. With the way my company works you have to be willing to go where the opportunities are and I am just keeping fingers crossed that those opportunities will open for me in this area. I just feel like there are many things I want to experience here before moving on. I could definitely see myself in this area for another year or two even. I love it. It agrees with me so much. I don't know. Just ask me again after this next winter (that's assuming that we actually have a summer in between the new and the last!).

Family Ties

2009-07-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

I miss my family more and more every single day. I don't know if it is just a part of growing up or what but it feels like I am closer to them now than ever before, even though we are all miles apart. My sister is in Japan and my parents and brothers' family are in SC (just south of the NC border from where we grew up). This year has proven to be a bit tougher on me than I had originally planned for.

Thanksgiving was the worst. On Thanksgiving day I made it a point to have many plans. In the morning time I went to serve food to people who did not have families or loved ones with which to share the holiday. In the afternoon I went to my managers house for some Blue Ribbon BBQ Catered Turkey and Mac and Cheese. Then I finished off the night by ending up at my kindred spirits' home with some of my closest friends I have made throughout the past year. While I was serving up sliced turkey and cran-sauce to the needy, my brother had called and left me a message. It was his entire family wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and they each took turns leaving their own spin on the good tidings on my voicemail. First, it was Tommy, then Autumn, his oldest, and then Lily, the youngest, and the message finished out with Spring, his wife. I saved the message on my phone until just recently losing it when I made the switch to a new phone because I liked being able to hear all of their voices, whenever I so felt like it.

The Christmas holiday was a bit of a different story. I was busy at work all month (for the most part, despite this horrible economy), so it really helped to get my mind off of things. Then when the actual Christmas Holiday came near it slowly went downhill from there. My original plans were to visit my kindred spirits' for Christmas Eve dinner. This would be a repeat of the aforementioned Thanksgiving Crew. Then, in turn, kindred spirit and "immediate family" (which included her girlfriend and her gf's cousin) would join me for breakfast/brunch on Christmas Day at my apartment. On Christmas day we would relax over brunch and have gift exchange. I made stockings for all that were scheduled to attend. On the actual Christmas day, however, my kindred spirit and her girlfriend had an incredibly huge fight. Cut to me, standing in my kitchen, taking the finished egg casserole out of the oven and putting it on the countertop beside the french toast set up that I had prepared, and then the phone rang. I got the news that they were not coming. I had mounds of French Toast awaiting their arrival. I had prepared three stockings that were completely overstuffed with goodies and candies and had spent my last $150 to do so. On Christmas Day I sat in my living room, eating tons of French Toast and missing my family with every ounce of my being. The reasoning behind this set up was from my own history of how the Christmas Holiday should be spent. A little time here, a little time there, and a lot of time in between.

For the longest time in my family our Holiday breakdown had always been as such; Christmas Eve at Aunt Deborah's, Immediate family gift exchange afterwards at our house, and then off to Aunt Glenda's on Christmas Day, in the morning. It was this way for as long as I could remember, that is, until families started to grow and divide and eventually our time together became much more precious. Deborah's annual festivities began to turn more from family, into friends. As older generations passed Deborah tried to fill the voids with her friends that she had made along the way. Despite her better judgement and taste when it came to choices of social circles, we loved Deborah very dearly, yet in the end, we would have preferred to be with some of our own kind (to say the least!). So eventually we broke away from the Christmas Eve at Deborah's annual tradition, and began to have our own more intimate setting. We began to have a regular dinner at our parents house, typically we would have steak. Dad would boast of the new way he had found to cook/grill it, while mom would mention a new cake recipe she had discovered. As we neared the end of our meals we all knew what was about to unfold. Mom always had kind words of wisdom and virtue to bestow upon our family regarding thankfulness for a good year, or finding peace at the end of long road travelled. Then we would light advent candles and take turns expressing what things we were appreciative of over the past year. The last dinner like this that I can remember was the one when Jessica, my niece, and daughter of my sister, stood up on her chair and said, "Poopy, poopy, poopy!" Because she was delighted that she had finally mastered going poopy in the potty.

After dinner was the annual immediate family gift exchange. As a child I had always "played santa" so to speak, by way of being the go to person for delivering gifts to the appropriate parties. As nephews, nieces, and grandchildren arrived the role was passed on through the generations. The traditional family gift exchange became more focused on the kids. Attention was paid to the new betsy wetsys and to the Mega Lego Sets that "Santa" had bestowed. Yet this is what Santa had always intended.

As children, our plan, on Christmas day was that I would wake up. Knock LOUDLY on my brother and sister's doors to wake them. Typically my brother would stay in bed but my sister would wake up to help me rally up the troups. Then we would have to make sure to wake up mom and dad first before heading into the living room to see what Nintendo games and transformers that Santa had graced us with this year. As time passed and into adulthood we grew, Christmas mornings, of course, were mainly for the kids. By the time I made it downstairs for coffee Jake had already made it halfway through his lego set and Jessica was eating buttered sausage biscuits in the kitchen.

Glenda's Annual Christmas Day was always quite different from that of Aunt Deborah's. At Deborah's we would find ways to slip whoopie cushions underneath our 80-year-old Great Aunt Estelle, and try our hardest not to let Aunt Deborah "goose" our "fannies". We would listen to great stories of the mysterious "Bumpty Skeets" and overhear Deborah speak of her friends with names like "Cooter Rabbit". To us, Aunt Deborah's life was something of a fable or fairy tale consisting of colorful nicknames and grandiose ideas. This, of course, was our interpretation as children.

Glenda's house for Christmas was a little more tame. The relatives were a bit more prim and proper and on the contrary from the rowdy bunch at Aunt Deborah's there were no whoopie cousins within a 50 mile radius of Aunt Glenda's household. At Glenda's we typically sat around being quiet and peaceful and waiting for lunch to be served. We would talk to Uncle Jimmy's relatives who were definitely from a different side of the tracks than that of our own family but that's what being related is all about. Blood is thicker than water. Whatever the hell that means when you find yourself talking to grown women who still has a fascination with the character Mickey Mouse, and is absolutely passionate about everything Disney. It is awfully hard to hold a steady conversation about the Walt Disney Enterprise, when the last thing you remember about the company, as a whole, is that you were 8 years old when you last visited his theme park and that you haven't seen a Disney movie in the last 5 years.

Family is Family. I took both sides of this coin and grew up becoming accustomed to each of them. I have been honored to look back over time and see the VERY different train tracks that my mother and father have travelled on and been happy to see how great they have become when they unite. I like the idea that my immediate family is made up of a little bit of both of the Christmas experiences I had growing up as a Tucker.

My family is broken down as such 45% Tame, 45% Rowdy, and 10% pure whoopie cushion.

North Shore; No More...

2009-07-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

Things I will miss about living on the North Shore...

*Cashier Nancy at Panera Bread in Saugus

*The Guy at Panera that always tells me to "Go-GETTEM!" while he drops the F-bomb making my breakfast sandwich

*The Crew at Starbucks (the newer one near Trader Joe's) - they know my name, where I work, what drink I order and what snacks I like, they always make helpful suggestions when I am at a loss for new endeavors

*My Kitchen

*My Parking Garage

*Shopping at Tah-Gette in Saw-Ghus!

*Malden Center T

*The terrible service at Stop and Shop (Take your pick of which one!)

*Showcase Cinema

*The Squire and the Golden Banana (even though I have never been to either, I always liked the idea of living close to two of the most seedy strip clubs/proposed organized crime hangouts)

*The North Shore Accent (I've grown accustomed to it)

Things I will NOT miss about living on the North Shore...

*My Parking Garage

*My Commute to Work

*My neighbors

*My Ghetto Apt. Complex

*Dog shit in the Hallways

*Apartment Complex staffing that sags their uniform pants and talks on their cell phones throughout the work day

*The Garbage truck pickup outside of my window

*Getting my cuticle skin cut off by the lady at the Gah-Den Nail in Saw-Ghus

*Walking in to a lady with her head down and sleeping on the job at the Garden Nail

*Square One Mall

*Driving to Malden Center T-Stop

*The North Shore Accent

Just my Way or Not Much Say

2009-06-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Its funny to me that when things don't go your way, you are still not offered a helpful solution. Tonight I ordered a pizza. It took almost over an hour to get here. Instead of giving me that order for free, the driver gave me an additional pizza. So in turn, he is actually helping me get fatter than I had planned on, instead of helping me save more money. This hurts, instead of helps.

I had an event scheduled at the store. A rep was scheduled to make an appearance. She was a no show, and said that she was double booked, so she sent me and my team free suits to make up for it. Our business sucked (which is what we SHOULD really be hoping to improve on) yet because of this we got a new suits. Did we deserve them even though we needed her to come out to build excitement around this vendor who we were not doing the kind of business in to deserve free suits.

It makes no sense to me. When its bad, make it worse. Reinforce bad habits with more bad habits. No sense at all.

Douchebag

2009-06-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

The guys at my gym are total douchbags. They show up with gel in their hair, their eyebrows done AND arched, and tribal tats on their arms and around their ankles; and these are JUST the straight ones! They are gayer than most the gay guys I know. They wear sleeveless Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirts and they are on all these diet/weight gain pills and needles. They are almost more obsessed with their bodies and image then any gay dude I have ever met.

It is a wonder to me what girls find these guys attractive. Maybe it is because there is nothing better out there and their gay friends won't sleep with them. It just seems like it would be tough to date someone who was as vain as these guys.

These are the thoughts that enter my head while I am turning it out on the eliptical. The other day I was on weights and actual witnessed a guy trying to pick up a girl that was working out. Word on the street is that my gym is VERY cruisy for straight people (because trust me, it is NOT that cruisy for Gays). No Lie; The guy actually asked the girl if he knew her from somewhere. Then he spent 20-30 minutes asking her if she was SURE that they didn't know each other before finally introducing himself. Then he said "you MUST have a twin out there". I wanted to just jump in and hurry things along. The guy was attractive. He looked pretty masculine except for the high arches in his brows but an overall nice looking dude. You would think that he would realize that he doesn't have to try so hard.

On another occasion I saw a female trainer pick up a guy that was working out on his own. Out of all the guys in the gym he was by far the most puny. No muscle at all. By the lack of enthusiasm in his swagger you could tell that he did NOT know his way around the gym. One thing about him that did seem to stand out, and was almost impossible to go unnoticed was that he must have been quite endowed in a place other than his UPPER body. He was walking around the gym "showing off" and not making any attempts to hide anything. This female trainer took note and I watched as she swooped in for the kill and set up a training appointment with him. Then she kept making purposeful attempts to walk by him and smile and then I could watch as she came up with reasons to go back over and talk to him.

My gym is a regular shit show.

Mikey Mike the Philosopher

2009-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

At brunch on Sunday my buddy Mike made a valid point.

He follows my blogs regularly and if I had to guess out of all of my "followers" he is the most religious one. I am often impressed that he seems to remember the things I write about better than I have. I guess because to some extent as much as I enjoy writing, a lot of it is just used as therapy for me to get all of the crazy shit out of my head and onto the page, and as most of you know...I am still crazy.

Mike was asking me about how stressed I seem to be about finding a mate. Then he correlated that between my feelings of being so happy with myself and the person that I have become. He made the point that if I am so happy with myself then why am I letting something like finding a mate keep me from COMPLETE happiness? He asked if I thought I would ever get to a point when I was just happy without one.

It was actually a scary thought for me. It is important to figure it out, I guess, but it seems more fun (and a lot easier to deal with) to just never give thought to it.

What if I don't find a man? I need to hurry up and find complete happiness now.

When Mike was talking about the two things that seemed like separate entities it made me realize that I actually contradict myself. I am not happy with JUST myself. I am happy with who I am but I am lonely.

I have strived to be more okay with this in recent months/weeks. I am glad to have found friends like Mike and our other buddy Mike. I am starting to find some great friends that I work with also and I am just trying to stop looking outside to find my happiness when I can find reassurance from these great friends I have found. It was Pride weekend and I chose not to go out on Saturday night because I knew that spending the money to get into the club would not be worth the disappointment. I also realize that if I fear rejection and disappointment when I go out, then I should just not go out. So I am trying. I am trying to not go out as much because it only sets me up for failure. More importantly I have to realize that the guy I want to settle down with does not go out, so what makes me think I will find him while I am out?

This is my life, got to hold my head high, I've got my pride, and no one's gonna take it away

Pride (In The Name of Love)

2009-06-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

One man comes in the name of love,

One man come and go,

One man come here to justify,

One man to overflow...

One man went to Pride and lost all sense of hope for the sake of his people. It was a regular shit show on this past Saturday in Boston. Johanna and I had decided to venture out to see the festivities and when I checked online I SWEAR that I read that the parade began at 10AM. I was wrong. So we got to the city around 930AM. Overzealous would have been an understatement.

First we got coffee at Starbucks because we thought the parade was about to begin. After walking around for about an hour we realized this was not so and sat down for brunch at Aquataine. I had hoped that at Aquataine I would be able to flirt and make eyes with the cook from the week before but he was nowhere in sight. I was hoping to get Pride started off on the right foot but alas, it did not happen.

After brunch we pretty much walked up and down the street and back and forth looking for the best spot to stand and watch the parade. We settled on a spot right in front of Fritz and it was a great spot, we were nestled in between a fun little bunch of beef-bear queens and we managed to keep our front row seats.

The parade died down and I assumed that it was over so we made our way to the block party that was budding behind us in the side street that ran in front of the bar. While we were waiting in line to get into Fritz we realized that the parade was NOT over and we actually missed the most fun float of the entire parade. It was the last float and it was playing music and everybody was following it and dancing in the streets behind it. I wanted so badly to go join in but Johanna was already mad at me for making her pay the 10 to get into the block party that she gave the worst look when I even suggested it.

The actual block party, once it was underway, MORE than made up for the pride parade. Tons of eye candy bustling about and it was fun...because I was drinking. I tried not to let my frustration show for the sake of a good time, but it seemed like every guy I was attempting to flirt with would then turn to their boyfriend and introduce me to them as well. One of the guys in particular, Keith, laughed and then caught me checking out somebody else. He enthusiastically suggested I go talk to them as encouragement for hope but I declined. "No, Keith, cause that's HIS boyfriend," pointing to the guy he was holding hands with, "You all have boyfriends, I'm OVER IT!". Keith laughed. I kept bumping into Keith throughout the ENTIRE time I was at the block party. I probably saw him 5 or 6 times after that initial meeting. It was as if I could not escape him. After running into him so much I began to realize that he looked familiar. Then I realized that he and I had spoken online a few times a while back and had planned on meeting for a date. His schedule and mine had conflicted and he was rarely ever online to begin with so it never happened. When he introduced me to his boyfriend I could tell that they were new and fresh and it made me very sad to think about missing out on my opportunity.

That is how I feel all of the time. All of the time I feel like I am one step behind when it comes to finding my man. I know that these are extreme ways to think about it, but when it comes down to it, I am extreme.

Overall the block party was a really good time. There was dancing in the street, hot guys with their shirts off, and a lot of people in a really good mood. It seemed as though people were in a lot better mood than they typically are on a day to day basis in Boston. I had mentioned this to a friend beforehand about how interesting it is that for ONE weekend we call it PRIDE and everyone turns their bad attitudes into one of optimism and joy. It seems like if we all did this more often we could promote more of a teamwork effort in our group and then at one point, who knows, maybe we could dictate legislation with the amount of power that would create.

I've got my Pride, and no one's gonna take it away...

Another Bill Bites the Dust...

2009-06-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Rat Race. That is all this fucking is. Being a grown up sure isn't what it is cracked up to be. It seems like my stomach settles every time I send off another bill only to be upset again when the next one arrives. It is scary living from paycheck to paycheck. It is hard not to cave and ask dad for more money. But I did it. At least for this round of bills.

I am in a very different place in life than I was in 2007. That was my glory year. That was the year that I was really succeeding at work and really getting paid for it by way of bonuses.

This year. Not so much.

It is not that I am NOT succeeding, because in my opinion, I definitely am. This year (and last year) are different because they have set things up differently for me, to say the least, and so I am working without bonus. A VERY IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON;

Working without a bonus = NOT FUN!

I have friend that manages to put away $1000 a month of his paycheck. I don't know how he does it. Then again, there was a point in my life when I had another friend that was trying to help me figure out how to budget "enough" money to move out of my parents house. When she asked me what my most recent check was it was close to being what she made for an entire month. She freaked out at me saying "I just don't know how I would be able to afford it," when she herself owned a condo and had just bought a new car, on top of having (what I consider) a ton of money in savings and mutual funds etc. So I am at that point again. It is do or die. Do I suck it up and figure out how to put this money aside? Sink or swim.

I can't say that it helps working in a retail setting. This only leaves me wanting more. At any given point I could walk the store and pick out things I wanted to buy. What is worse is that even after I did buy all of them there would still be a great many things left that I was still wanting.

Want is a dangerous thing.

Que Sera; Whatever Will Be...

2009-06-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

when i was just a little girl i asked my mother "what will I be"?

How was she supposed to know?

My brother has a one year old. The rest of my friends have new borns or six-month olds. Fresh babies. They have yet to experience the woes of this world. It feels good, holding babies. You connect with them, and for a split second you realize that you could be the one to help them feel less pain and sorrow. Make a funny face, they smile. Say something in baby talk, and they look at you in amazement. Its simple. And for only a quick moment you think back about what it was like to have no cares in the world. We joke about babies and say that all they have to think about is eating, sleeping, and pooping, yet essentially, they don't have to worry about that either. Parents (aka baby's personal assistant) puts the baby down when it is time to rest, or when the baby cries to let you know that it wants a break. Babies don't even have to wipe their own butts, or even stand up to pee.

Sheesh, they have it so easy.

She's Not Me, and She Never Will Be...

2009-06-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

Conceited Much? I really like myself a lot. It is mind boggling to me that I am still single. Many years of pain and struggle have gone towards bringing me up to this point in my life. I have put some hard work into it so I don't consider it to be conceited of me to say things like "I am a catch"...I am.

My friends confirm it for me. They are the ones that are brutally honest right? They are the ones telling me that they are also baffled at why I am still single. I am really happy. Maybe that is the difference. Most the people I know in relationships are not. They are stressed or depressed. It is as if all the stress that you have finding a relationship doesn't matter because once you find it you only get more stress. Is he cheating? Is he lying? Does he really like me THAT much? When will our relationship end?

What is the point in getting into a relationship if these are the stressors that you will encounter? It seems like more stress than before hand. Now all I worry about is "Will I find him, or will I not?"

I met up with a buddy of mine from High School Monday night. He happened to be in town and I would not have even known except for seeing his status on facebook. We chatted about what was going on in our lives, then we reflected on some of the people we went to high school with. We talked about who we keep in touch with and it was interesting to find that in high school he seemed so connect with our "group" but in his maturity realized that our class was made up of MOSTLY douchebags. I think that is something that happens for everybody after a few years away from high school to reflect. You have time to meet people that you realize ARE cool. You might realize yourself that you are REALLY cool yourself. Then you think back to the way things were in high school and realize that no one was cool and they actually all sucked. It is even more important what you do with your life after you graduate than what you did during your adolescent years. Your adulthood makes or breaks your cool factor.

We laughed about it. We agreed that there weren't THAT many people to really keep in touch with. We talked about what it has been like to run into certain people and hear how they talk about their "careers". He mentioned one douche-bag at large that actually pulled his blackberry out and boasted about his sales numbers.

Like I said before, I am really happy with the way I have turned out. Even if I am broke as a motherfucker I am one happy broke bitch.

I Can't Sleep

2009-06-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

It's 5AM. I woke up at around 3, coughing in a fit. It felt like it lasted over the span of a few hours but in fact was for 30 min straight. By the time I finally rolled out of bed to try to do something about my horrendous coughing it was only 3:30.

I am trying to decide if I have been hit hard by my allergies or if I have had a slight cold. No body aches or fever so I would think allergies but it has never been a problem like this for me until now. I remember going through a bit of the same thing last year, but this year it just seems much more awful, and much much worse!

Gay Pride is coming up this weekend in Boston and I am looking forward to it. Typically all the fun Gay summer stuff seems to fall on weekends that I CANNOT be off from work because of prior engagements. This weekend it comes exactly ONE WEEK before! So I am trying to slip through the cracks and get a chance to finally enjoy it. What saddens me, though, is to think about the idea that the weather will just plain suck. They are predicting rain starting now and lasting throughout the entire weekend. Not just light and scattered, but the shitty and depressing kind.

It would be ideal if Gay pride this year would warrant me finding a nice man to be able to cuddle up with on these aforementioned rainy days, yet, alas...I don't think it will happen.

I am sick of listening to people say "when you least expect it". I am sick of hearing that I shouldn't have such a shitty attitude about it. The truth of the matter is this, I have had a MUCH better attitude about it than my friends who have recently found love and yet look at them, and now look at me.

If it wasn't a horrible cough waking me up way too early then it would be the thought of being alone that creeps inside of there every now and then.

The funny thing about it. With all the shit you hear people say about "when you least expect it" and "put your career first" and all the other blah blah blahs...I am there. I am really enjoying my job right now and am excited about the things to come in the near future. I am working out as best (and as much) as I can and I am happy with myself. I am happy with the way I look. More importantly, yet so often forgotten, I am MOST Happy with the person I have become over these last few years. I am content. It is a weird thing to think about because I think so many are scared to admit the truth concerning it but yeah, for now, I am content. I told my buddy Mike that since meeting him and my friend Rich I have just felt less stressful about finding somebody else. It is a nice feeling to know that you are surrounded by people who care about your well-being and want to hang out with you.

Good friends are much more worth the efforts than the pain and stress that dating brings.

Hopefully the weather will clear by the weekend. I am hoping to see clearly, now, when the rain is gone...

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun

2009-06-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

I hate it when you get in to a discussion about what your favorite words are with someone else. As opposed to the discussions you have about your favorite words with your self. I hate to love mentioning it to someone else because its as if they just can't help but change your mind.

I might say, "I love the word 'manifestation' sounds," and then they would reply, "Oh yeah, and 'dichotomy' too!" then they give a little chuckle. No, asshole, I don't love that word. I love MY word. The word that I used to begin our little conversation.

If I were to mention that although 'conjunctivitis' is one of my favorite words, I do NOT however actually enjoy conjunctivitis, the other person might add, "Oh yeah, and what about YEAST!"

What do you mean..."what about yeast," asshole? If I wanted to talk about yeast I would have led with the word. But I didn't. And now you have taken our conversation from bad to worse with your frail attempt at participation. Yeast is not one of MY favorite words. In fact, yeast is on my LEAST favorite word list. I am so appalled by the word yeast, it makes me sick. To think that something so great as the action of bread dough rising to be associated with the likes of a problematic female disease makes me so sad. So no, I hate the word yeast, whereas you like it, and this conversation was about MY own personal list of favorite words. Don't try to convince me to like the words from your list, cause I don't.

Words are Stupid, Words are Fun, Words can put you on the run...

Go Straight, Turn Gay

2009-06-05T19:23:00.002-07:00

The road to life has many twists and turns. When you are gay, they are more so sashays than they are twists, but hey, it makes life a bit more fun that way.

A little "Hey, Girl, Hey" every now and again never hurts anybody. At worst it makes a few surrounding military men a little uneasy in their seats but so what?

As much good as the gay population may or may not offer the greater likes of society I can't help but be more turned off by the bad, than I could be enlightened by the good. Gay people suck, for the most part. Once you really get to know them. They are selfish and hateful. As much as they seem to be asking the societal "norm" for love, acceptance, and judicial change, they really need to start within themselves to begin with. And this is only a start. Changing your internal affect is the foundation of the start to building up the big House of Gay.

It hasn't always been this way. For a while we were off and running. Pioneers began our journey. The likes of Rupaul, Elton John, George Michael, Madonna, and Harvey Milk to name a few. We secretly muscled our way into the hearts of America, but once we got there it was a quick turn for the worse on our downward spiral.

Even in the "short" (in comparison to my gay forefathers) time that I have been out I have seen much change from within my own subculture. We are becoming reclusive and un-uniformed. We are not in it to win it for the greater good of our ENTIRE group. We have segmented off from one another with Gay Bears, Twinks, and Muscle Circuit "Boys" (granted they are 30-45 years old and only RECENTLY gotten the bodies they have always wanted). If you didn't know any better, as a group divided, we sound like a run of Saturday morning cartoons!

In the 70's and 80's I am amazed at how loud our voice was, yet our groups were so small. Nowadays it has changed. Large groups, small voices. We have all come WAY out of the closet but now what are we doing about it? We are fighting for our right to party and yet we are going about it all wrong.

Our subculture was built upon a foundation of lies, secrets, and promiscuous (and unprotected) sex. That is just the cold, hard truth. For centuries our culture has built their lives around the idea of sneaking around behind someone else's back. Whether that person was your boss, your parents, or your wife, everyone did it. So it is no surprise to me when in today's society our gay forefathers that grew up with this way of thinking are now teaching the younger gays all of their bad habits. The secret is a thrill, and it brings to us much pleasure. If we are not the seeker then we become the one being sought. In turn we pass these habits on to the next guy and the next, until it becomes one endless battle. Who will win? They bad gay habits from the yesteryears or the new frontier of where the gay community would be best served?

All this talk about laws makes me sick. I have found my place in a state that does recognize gay marriage. What strikes me about this is that there is still endless amounts of infidelity among the LEGALLY married gay couples I have seen.

It is disheartening when I realize things like these because finding out that I could get legally married in the current state I live in had really made me feel hopeful all over again. Now that the only guys that seem to hit on my are in relationships (most of which that ARE actually bound by law), this little fact begins to loose its luster. What is the point in getting married if I will have to worry about him cheating on me? What is the point in getting in a relationship if at some point he will ask me if we can be "Open" (Non-sexual committed)? All hope is lost when you realize that the goal that you are seeking doesn't hold as much power as you had originally intended for it to have.

I posted a note on my facebook page that was something along the lines of:

"If gay people can't seem to figure out how to be married WITHOUT a law, why should they be allowed to WITH one? Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (The same goes for straighties too)

It was interesting to see that all of my straight friends seemed to really like it. They were friends of the gays, I know that they are all comfortable with the "community". They ones that really were bothered were these two silly queens that I USED to be friends with but realized that they were so sterotypically gay (and awful) that I just needed them out of my life. One left a comment saying that I was "sterotyping my own community, and should not do that" then went on to mention "not all gay people are promiscuous and opposed to monogamy" It was funny because the two that left comments were leaving them while they were on vacation at Gay Disney. Historically when they close off Disney for the Gays, it is common knowledge that the only reason to go is because everyone is so horny that you can just have sex with anyone. If you had to prove it wrong, just think, I mean, really? How many times CAN you ride space mountain before it gets old?

So it was ironic to me that these two silly queens were the only ones really upset by this. The other one that commented goes from boy to boy and lies to them to lead them on and make them think that he would have the audacity to actually settle down with them. He makes each of them believe that they are the special guy that could actually make it happen, all the while laughing about how he had three at the same time he is currently talking to. He does this in an attempt to appease his own insecurities and in doing so his character comes across quite accurately, which is clearly pathetic.

These two silly-fucks represent the greater gay population. A large group of people who are saying out loud what they would LIKE for their goal to be ("We want to legally marry") because it sounds like a good idea, yet all the while they are host to events such as Gay Disney, they are taking their shirts off at night clubs, they are hating one another, and they are cheating on their lovers, friends, and their brothers-in-arms. If they really wanted to be taken seriously they would work harder on their own relationships and they would realize that "Marriage" is more than legal recognition. REALY marriage, whether it is recognized by the state or anybody else for that matter is when two people COMMIT to LOVE and CARE for one another. They make a COMMITMENT to SUPPORT one another ENDLESSLY. They COMMIT to the idea of TOUGHING IT OUT through the hard times, as opposed to saying "lets sleep together at night but fuck other people on the side". REAL MARRIAGE is when they realize that they don't need the other people that are out there. That is the only time that TWO people become ONE and as a result MARRIAGE is what can be born out of this realization.

On the road to life it is important to not lose focus, always carry a map, and if you happen to get lost, just remember these simple directions...go straight, turn gay ;-)

In My Head

2009-05-28T20:43:00.001-07:00

My friend Kelly pointed out that my catch phrase is "In my Head..."

I personally love to tell stories about how I was doing something and then I thought, "In my head...(was what I was thinking)," as I tell the story. Its my thing. It is part of why I write a blog. Everybody loves it. But now Kelly has pointed it out to me. So every time I talk from here on out I notice it and it bugs me. Kelly is an evil, catch phrase pointer outer and she will get what is coming to her in the end.

She pointed out that this girl we work with, Sarah, always says "Perfect!" This is Sarah's confirmation. It sometimes affirms that she is listening to you or it acknowledges that she heard and understands what you are saying and that you can move on from the conversation. It is harmless. When Kelly pointed it out to begin with it was all fun and games making fun of Sarah for doing this, yet NOW the tables have turned. Now Kelly has used her evil notice-everything powers to figure out the root of my well-being that is my catch phrase, "In My Head"

What makes it worse is that Kelly's thick Boston accent does a HORRIBLE job at recreating my delectable southern drawl. So when she mocks me she says "EYEN MAY-EH HAY-EHD" which send chills up and down my spine.

I am dying to say something to Kelly but in my head I can't possibly imagine how that will go.

My Roommate Brought all the Boys to the Yard

2009-05-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

I had a roommate. Not my current one. The one from last year. She was awful.

Moving here was an experience in and of itself; so when a roommate opportunity arose from the pool of managers that I work with I jumped at it. She seemed alright at first, fun, flirty, long model legs and whatnot. They always seem right from the start. As the days counted down leading up to the move-in I repeatedly asked her if she would be able to afford it. "Not to worry," she would tell me. At that point our friendship was just a bud and I believed her. The uneasiness came when she was not the brightest at the difference in the information she told her roommate from the information that she told her friend. The problem being that the two were synonomous. I was a friend, but now we were embarking on another journey down the road towards roommate hell.

She lived in my apartment for a total of three months. Out of the three months she was late with her rent every single time, and paid it in FULL only ONCE! Most of the payments she gave to me in installments. This was awful. "I have to make my car payment this week so they don't reposes my car, blah blah, and so on..."

Despite the financial agreement, or lack thereof, between us, we began to grow close. It was hard for me to move to a place where I knew NO ONE and try my hardest to trust ANY ONE. So with this girl, I thought I could. We shared conversations with one another about our childhoods, being made fun of and blossoming later in life. We confided in one another about our deepest thoughts and fears, and a trust began to form. There was one night in particular, it was one of the very last before the news, when we decided to have a special roommates night out on the town with one another. I remember that the weather was warm that night and we sat on a brick wall right outside of Copley Mall after a long night of talking and walking about the city. We confessed our growing love for one another as friends, yet secretly I always felt like this relationship was on the brink of disaster.

She went away one weekend, with her ex boyfriend who hit and verbally abused her before they had originally broken up. (Let the record show that this was NOT the main reason, or any reason for that matter why they had broken up to begin with). Throughout their 3-4 month break up she slept with pretty much every single guy that she met. She made me feel much better about my own behavior because this was what a slut truly was. Her pathetic ex-boyfriend pursued her aggressively throughout those 3-4 months. He would call. He would email. He sent her flowers while she was at work. I tried to encourage her to be strong but before I knew it she was smiling at his phone calls once again. He invited her to go away with him to NYC for the weekend and she asked if I could be at the apartment to show her couches that she had posted on Craigslist. It was no big deal to me, plus she had mentioned that the money would be used to pay for her portion of rent. So I figured it was in my best interest to help out.

When the Craig's Listers arrived they immediately asked me where my roommate was moving. I was flabbergasted and on the spot said, "Oh, just right up the street."

I had no clue that she had thought about moving. She had not mentioned anything to me about doing so. We had talked about how neither of us had any money. We had talked about how scary it was to be grown adults that could not support themselves. The difference was that I survived the year. She did not. She gave up.

After they left I sent my roommate a txt asking where she was moving.

"Chicago" was her reply.

I asked if she had told anybody at work yet.

"Why?" was her reply.

I was over it.

The next night on her way back from NYC she mentioned to me that she would need for me to let her in because she left her apartment key in the car of the guy that she had been fucking the week before her pathetic ex-boyfriend picked her up to go away. She said she would get in around 11pm but as the time passed it turned out to be 2am.

I stayed up instead of attempting to fall asleep, wake up, and let them in and then try to get back to bed. She was smiling, smirking and giggling when I let them in the building. I was over her.

The next morning I showered and left before she had time to confirm that I was giving her a ride to work. I knew that she didn't have her car and we had an event at work that we had to be there for and I purposefully did not want to help her in any way. When she finally arrived at work she paged me and asked if she could talk to me. Then she made a big production of her story about how this pathetic boyfriend had come crawling back. In three months he had changed from the angry and abusive control freak into the kind of man she had always wanted. I guess when you are out and about fucking the entire world it is harder to speak up for yourself when you ought to realize that you deserve better.

She told me that she would sell the rest of her furniture and give the money to me to help me with rent. She did no such thing. Instead she gave me the number of that guy she had been fucking and told me to work it out with him. When I contacted him about it he told me that she owed him $150 for the moving van that he had used to move it out of her old apartment and that he would not give it to me until he got his money. Not only did she fuck me over this way, but had also rented a movie with my Hollywood Video account to watch with that guy and after asking and asking over and over if she had taken it back or not, I found out while in the checkout line and they told me I owed them $50.

The biggest fuck-over of all in the situation is that she left one week before August rent was due not giving me any money to help me out. When she told me that she was leaving the ONLY thing I asked of her was to have her furniture out of that guys place and into my own apartment so that I could easily sell it. She couldn't even manage to do that, on top of fucking me over in more ways than one.

If all this wasn't bad enough. And as if we couldn't just move on from it and acknowledge that the whole situation just sucked one big giant dick, she insisted on texting and calling me for the next few weeks saying "I miss you" "Just arrived in NC" "Hope you are doing okay". After I ignored all of these and never returned any of her phone calls she sends me this 6 txt screen long txt saying that she can't believe that I would end our "friendship" over money.

I didn't reply to that one either.

The great thing about moving to a place where you have no connections...is having no connections. When stupid fucks like this come into your life and try to bring you down you can get rid of them on a whim.

I would like to walk away from it saying that I learned a valuable lesson but truth be told, I hated the person I was when I was around her. I started smoking again, I went out more often than I wanted to, and I wasn't the type of employee that I pride myself on being at work at the time. She was an awful influence and that is why she got cut loose. One of the last nights in the apartment together, after I had received the bad news and knew exactly what was coming, she came home with a bag from CVS. She took out one of her purchases and it was a bottle of Pre-Natal vitamins. I asked if she was pregnant and she said that she didn't know yet.

All in all, who knows who the father is. I hope the baby doesn't have to look up to two pathetic role models, instead of just the one.

Your Touch is so Magic to me...

2009-05-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

The strangest things can happen...

It's been such a long time since I had real full-on CONTACT with another human being. That is my G-Rated version of how I would actually prefer to express myself. But with the knowledge that any day now my loving parents may grace my blog site with their presence I am beginning to edit (ever-so-slightly) my stories here. But don't fret...there are many tales to still be told.

They say that curiosity killed the cat, but then again, cats have nine fucking lives.

I made profiles again. On "those-sites-whose-names-not-be-spoken" out of my raging curiosity. I can't stand not knowing if I am missing out on something great. As it turns out; 2 hours (and counting) of being logged on is telling me I am not.

In that time span I have had 2 people shut me down once they saw my pictures. I have received one angry email after deleting the first one (indicating my lack of interest to begin with). I am out $30 because it is the only way it is actually worth being on the site anyhow, and now I am no better off than when I was forced to ONLY write on my blog (which didn't encourage, or stimulate me as much as actually having access to the sites has obviously turned out to give me).

After getting 3 and a half (IF THAT) hours of sleep last night and after working (no exaggeration) from 9AM to 9PM ((twas a GREAT day at work for me btw)) I am TOTALLY WORN OUT! But when I got home I couldn't help but feel so inspired as to venture out on the town. The tiresome woes got the best of me and after a 45 minute hot shower against my back I opted to stay home instead. A little wave of depression always falls over me instantly when I realize that I am staying in, yet again (and alone). I always wonder what I am missing. I always think of who I may meet if I were to muster up the strength to wander out and about on this town and yet the funny thing is that I already know the answer. I would throw myself upon this one and that one, and yet when I got home that night I would get that same overwhelming sadness either way.

That episode of Sex and the City plays out in my head OVER AND OVER again...when Charlotte expresses her frustration, "WHERE IS HE?" She talks about how frustrated she is because she has been the one of all the girls that has so actively sought after a relationship and yet for whatever reasons (Trey's limp dick) has NOT found them.

WHERE IS HE!!!!

Risque Business

2009-05-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

I want to open up my own nightclub. We would have nightly vegas style burlesque performances by (beautiful) women in scantily clad outfits and VERY high heels. Tipping would not be allowed as it is tacky and degrading to women. I would charge $500 for bottle service and front row tables. $250 for second row, and so on. Every one and their mother would be dying to go and the money would not mean a thing seeing as how my nightclub would be at the intersection of chic and high fashion.

I would like this the most because I could make it everything I ever wanted in a nightclub. I would have free drinks all night long. If I wanted I could close the club for the night and open it up to ONLY my closest friends. At that point in my life I would have enough money to fly them into town on a jet for an evening of chic naked women.

This is just a taste of what you could see there....

No one wants to be defeated...

2009-05-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

Funny thing about me. I am a horrible flirt. Well; I take that back. I, personally, am an AMAZING flirt! I am, in fact, ALL FLIRTATION ALL THE TIME. The only problem with this is that I am a HORRIBLE judge of when I am being flirted with. The guys that hit on me do not have a chance because when it comes to picking up the signals that these dudes are putting down, I'm a social Retard.

This kills me too. I can only pick up on it when I have too much to drink and then this poses another problem because I usually walk away from them without a cautious thought of a proposed date option. I'm over it. You should be so lucky as to be a fly on the wall when I am out and about on this one heck of a town.

Tonight I was at the gym. I was changing out of my gym clothes and getting ready to leave while the guy next to me was getting ready for his workout and just arriving to the gym. He kept glancing over at me, and I kept glancing back, I can't help it, I check out EVERYBODY. Then he seemed a little uneasy but I just suspected it to be the typical uneasiness that most straight guys get when I am staring them down. For the most part I won't care and I typically don't lose focus on my obvious gaze. That's the point. But with this dude I just kind of stopped. I was tired. I was hungry. What was the point anyway? Then when I was about to grab my bag and jet he turned to me and asked how late the gym stayed open. "Eleven," I told him, then I asked if he had just joined. He seemed nervous, looked down to tie his shoe laces and mumbled something about not usually coming at night. Whatever, I thought to myself. I moved on. It could have been quite possible that this was his way of trying to start up a conversation or not. That is what bothers me and makes me fear the whole idea. I am so scared of the "or not" that I don't ever try. It was already bold of me to go on by saying "Oh are you new here?" But that was as far as it could go.

I'm just a little chickenshit.

This one night I was at the Roxy. I was walking circles as I usually do in an attempt to act like Roxy isn't too dark and too loud to talk to ANYBODY, including the people you came with. At the end of the night I was getting ready to leave and I was standing next to the coat check line when this jacked up muscular guy with tats all down his arms was smirking at me. I smirked back. We had a witty exchange. I made him laugh. Then I just walked off. WTF? I don't even get me sometimes.

I think that another aspect of this social retarded functioning stems from my early years in the gay scene. I made quite a scene of my own in my adolescence so now I am so scared to act remotely the way I used to. That behavior has gotten me nowhere. To date I am still single and have actually NEVER had a real boyfriend (longer than 1 month). So what gives?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Moving here has really helped me to cool my jets. I can't just find anybody to take home with me now because I set my standards higher. The problem here is that in the meantime of doing so I also managed to put on 20 lbs. I am now at my "heaviest" that I have ever been. I know that all of it is not fat. I am beefier now than I have ever been also. Yet I am up to 190. My goal weight is 165 but at this age and this weight I doubt that is possible without an entire bottle of hydroxycut and I don't believe in that sort of shit. I don't even believe in STRICT diets. So basically, I'm Fucked.

...but I want to be fair, just beat it!

Papa Don't Preach

2009-05-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I came out to my parents. It has been a long long long journey but I am really happy where it has arrived. I flew into Charlotte on Sunday. My friend John (also gay) and I went down to my parents Beach Condo that night.

When I first came out it took my parents a while to even consider letting me and another gay friend go down there. I am not sure what they thought would happen. Maybe we would play Diana Ross really loud and hiss at the straight couples while switching our hips as we walked by in our skimpy bathing suits. Thus far, the only thing in this assumption to ring true has been the skimpy-yet-not as skimpy as could be bathing suits. It was a big deal that they even SUGGESTED that I bring another friend with me to the beach, as opposed to four years ago when they had to talk it over with the family that we shared the condo with.

I made it a point to make sure on my first visit with my friend Dale to leave a lasting impression. Dale and I cleaned the condo better than any of the other people that have ever stayed there. This really impressed my folks.

So John and I went Sunday night. The plan was that my parents would meet us on Tuesday. I was 50/50. Half was nervous that John would speak out of turn (its just in his nature) and that I would regret bringing him. The other half was anxious and excited for my parents to meet my normal and (for the most part) sane gay friend. There were only a few things here and there that John mentioned throughout the week that I could have gone without, but in the end I figured I'm 4 years in, what else have I got to loose?

I think that it really helped having him there. We opened doors that would have been left shut otherwise. When I spoke to John about my uneasiness around my folks he suggested I just ask them. One day John, my dad, and me were walking along the beach, and John went into the water. While he was out there I took the opportunity to ask my dad if he was comfortable with everything that had happened that week. He said that he knew eventually I would bring someone around that I was dating and that he would have to get used to it sooner or later. This moved me to tears. It is a very different man than the one I grew up with. I have watched my parents grow and mature in my lifetime into the best pair of parents anyone could ever have. I guess that goes hand in hand with my own growth and maturity in becoming their adult son.

I began to cry and told my dad that I was so thankful for the way that he and Mom had treated me since coming out and that I only know what unconditional love is because of the love that they have shown me since I began coming out to them. He began to tear up and I realized that my emotions were stemming not only from my overwhelming gratefulness of their reactions but also because I had too much Sweet Tea Vodka, so I hit him on the back and told him to man up and we quit our tears together. We gave two big heartfelt hugs and kept walking.

Throughout the week John told me and my dad that he was jealous of our relationship. This made my dad feel REALLY good. I know that he has been through a lot in his life and that he prides himself on being a great father. I am glad that an outsider was able to recognize and congratulate his efforts because he is a great father. He has set an amazing example for me at what it takes to be a real man. In my adult life he has become not only a great father but a great friend. I was so anxious to see him and my mom when I got into town. I was almost mad that they were out of town and not there as soon as I got there. I miss them often. Even if I don't get a chance to call them as much as they would like. I think about them all the time and although I wish I would live in the same town as them and have lunches and dinners whenever we wanted together I know that away from home is the place for me to succeed at the moment.

My friends keep telling me to give it up,

saying I'm too young I oughta live it up,

what i need right now is some good advice

.....papa don't preach

Gay-Bay-Bay

2009-05-16T07:23:00.001-07:00

I'm serious. At the end of this year, I will turn in my gay card. I give up. I'm done trying to make the most of things. I am tired of listening to all these stories about how when people were not looking they found it. I am tired of seeing all of the mismatches in the world. It makes me sick. I am tired of getting hit on by guys that already have boyfriends, partners, or LEGAL husbands FOR THAT MATTER!

I am sick of old men hitting on me. When I say old I mean over 40 and over 50. I have a daddy. I don't need another one. I am sick of getting hit on by flaming queeny fags that arch their eyebrows and wear the slightest bit of foundation.

Its hard to call it normal. For so long gay people have yearned to be considered normal, just different instead of being the exact opposite of straight society.

I have a friend that keeps saying that other people tell him that he has a heterosexual mindset. I keep wondering who these people are because in our best bud trio he is the only one who gives that suggestion validation. It makes no sense to me to view matters in a straight vs. gay mentality. When we do this we alienate ourselves from the "norm" and create a new (worse) stigma.

This theory also pisses me off because of how many married couples I know that are not living this proposed "heterosexual mentality" out either. They are not monogamous and they are unhappy.

I randomly ran into two girl friends from my past at Dean and Deluca while I was home. We had lunch together and they were asking me about my dating life (as everyone does when you are single and they are not). I was telling them about my frustration with gay people when it comes to monogamy and relationships. I mentioned my beliefs in not being totally for gay marriage because we are not leading by example as a people. They agreed with that and went on to talk about how angry they get when they see other (straight) couples who claim to have what they have in marriage. One of the girls said it angered her to think of people claiming marriage when they were not true to one another.

It was assuring, though not so much comforting, to hear that straight monogamous (and REAL) couples feel the same way.

I keep fantasizing that I will run into him at a coffee shop. Or we will reach for the same DVD at blockbuster. Maybe we will keep cracking a smile every time we pass one another in the isles at Trader Joe's. We could strike up a conversation and decide to make dinner with one another. His groceries would compliment mine and we would laugh that it had worked out in such a way. It would be easy. Seamless.

But its not. Dammit. There is too much stress that goes into it. I get stressed out in these situations because I often feel like there is too much riding on it. What if he likes me. What if he is just being kind. What if he thinks that my gut is too big. What if he has a BOYFRIEND. What if he is married? What if he is an asshole.

There is just a lot standing in the way of my grandiose dreams. After all;

a dream is a wish your heart makes...

Schwetty Pants

2009-05-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

It blows my mind at the amount of people in sweat pants around here. I mean, not JUST the pants, but the tops too. They are wearing sweat-suits! Its disgusting. Aside from the fact that I think everyone should be stepping it up a notch, even if just to run a few errands, it is just plain gross. I haven't worn sweat pants since the third grade. Once you reach a certain age there are things that are just not that attractive in sweats.

Your penis, for one. Although I enjoy a little man-on-man every now and then. No one's penis looks good in sweats and for the most part the people wearing them should not be showing it off. Do you even realize that when you wear sweats EVERYONE (including your mother) can see it poking around in there? The worst part is that you have to realize that the people who are so brazen as to wear sweats in public are being so defiant against the world and saying "I want to be SO COMFORTABLE!" that they did not even bother to wear underwear. They have this entire mindset that helps them become accustomed to the comfort of sweats and they even thrive off of how great they feel against the bare skin.

This is also a time when you realize that the women in sweat-suits should be wearing SOME sort of bra. For the most part your boobs are not just naturally perky. Most all women need some sort of support or shaping to get them in the right places. So if we can all acknowledge this information when we are striving to put our best breast forward, then why-oh-why are we letting them hang down underneath our armpits when we adorn our "me-so-Juicy" (Couture) sweats?

Another thing that pisses me off is grown women that can't figure out how to get rid of their panty lines. I got a haircut yesterday and my chair faces the front desk lady. Typically I don't mind because she smiles at me a lot and thinks that ever thing I say is the funniest thing she has ever heard in her life. But yesterday was different. Not only was she wearing white jeans (which should only be worn for the white party - ONCE a year) but she had OUTRAGEOUSLY noticeably panty lines. She might as well have been wearing a jock-strap. Then as I took a closer look I realized that it looked as though she was wearing one of those slimming body suits, or as some would call it a body girdle. This made me even more mad. What is the point in not being able to breath or let your stomach out all day long if your butt is going to look like folded up pancakes in your white denim capris?

All I know is that it is a tough world out there. And if you are one of these people beware; I'm not the only one watching.

Beer. Bourbon. BBQ. Carolina pt. 2

2009-05-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

My good friend Lindsey was kind enough to let Mike, Rich, and myself stay at her place for the weekend. We each got our own place to sleep which made it even more of a pleasant stay.

In the morning we got ready and headed over to Dean and Deluca for some coffee and muffins. I, OF COURSE, had the GLORIOUS MORNING MUFFIN! An amazing way to start your day off right but I have YET to find such a wonderful delight in beantown, as of yet.

John and his guy Chris met us for coffee, Lindsey came later. While eating I got a txt from Dana reminding me to bring bathing suits for the pool after the festival. This was the BEST IDEA I had ever heard!

It turned out to be a really warm day so a dip in the pool was the best way to end up. The Beer and Bourbon fest was something else. I have never drank so much WITHOUT getting even the slightest buzz! It was especially awkward because our routine was pretty much a shot of bourbon with a beer chaser for 2 hours straight! Then it was time for the BBQ. I was a little disheartened to find that the rumored BBQ (free sample) vendors turned out to JUST be Mac's and it was not by any means FREE. It was, however, quite cheap. 6 dollars bought me a BBQ Chicken Sandwich and two sides. MMM-MMM-GOOD!

By the time dinner rolled around we were ZONKED. Everyone was kind of quite throughout dinner. I had managed to get a sun burnt farmer's tan and the sting of the burn was killing me down. I felt feverish and my stomach didn't feel so hot from leftover beer and bourbon. Like a champ I managed to put back a Black Bean Burger from the Penguin anyhow!

When we reached the venue for Scott's show we were worn out. We were told to get there around 9. The show started sometime after 9:30. When we arrived we found out that they were not going on until 12:30. We let them know that we were sorry but we would not be able to make it.

It was a quiet night but we could not have stayed up until midnight even if we had tried. When we returned to Lindsey's we rallied around the computer while I researched the perfect Mother's Day Brunch Menu. I searched through tons of recipes on the Food Network website. Our menu read like this:

Broiled Vanilla-Ginger Grapefruit

Cinnamon and Pear Stuffed French Toast

Egg Casserole with Sweet Italian Sausage, Sun-dried tomatoes, and Shallots

It was SO GOOD! We picked up the groceries on the way and even though I told my parents we would eat at 1030 we sat down for brunch around 1pm! It was well worth the wait.

In the afternoon we dropped Mike off at the airport to head back to the cold and gloomy north. My family came over for a cookout that night and it was good to see all of my cousins. My aunt arrived and it was the first time I had seen her since she had gastric bypass surgery. She has lost over 90 lbs and it was really awkward. She can't eat ANYTHING.

She and my Mom (they are twins) have been the same size for as long as I can remember. People have confused them often because of their similar looks. It is weird to think that one twin went through something so drastic while the other stays the same.

My mom told me that it is NOT for her and we left it at that. I could tell it was something that she did not want to discuss any further.

After the family parted ways, Rich and I went to see Star Trek at what USED to be the nicest theatre in Charlotte. Regal at Stonecrest has gone DOWN THE DRIAN! This is to say the LEAST! When we walked into our theatre (Regal now has an IMAX theatre) I was appalled. There was trash and popcorn strewn all over the place. There were soda cups and half eaten buckets of popcorn all over the theatre. The floor was so gross and sticky with spilt soda that Rich's flip-flop clung to it and as he took another step forward the strap popped breaking his sandel. This was the last straw for me. "I'll be right back" I told him and I made my way to the "Customer Service" desk out front. "Hi, Yes, excuse me...is any one going to clean the IMAX theatre?" I asked politely. He said that it was 30 min before the show, and that nobody was supposed to be in there yet. I agreed with him and went on to inform him that there were at least 10 people in there already and that the place was filthy. He made no efforts to convey a sense of urgency and just moseyed on over to the guy taking tickets to hand him a broom and a bucket.

I just shook my head in disbelief. One guy would not be able to hose down the theatre. What drove me nuts about the entire experience is that we wound up paying $15 to sit in the dirtiest theatre I have ever been in. This was more than I have ever paid for movies up here and they are said to be more expensive in the north.

Two tears in a popcorn bucket, mutherfuckitt.

In My Mind I'm going to Carolina...

2009-05-12T17:36:00.001-07:00

I just got back from my trip to the Carolinas and I would have to say that it has been my most productive visit since I originally left town over one year ago.

I made it a point to start off on the right foot by heading to the beach with my parents. First my friend Johnny Z and I headed down that way on Sunday night after I got in and managed to catch up with a few friends before making the trek. When I picked up JZ I just had to let him know that when we went to the Food Lion (Grocery Store) to pick up some cat food (yeah, since I left Charlotte, he has gotten cats - I would have NEVER let this happen!) and while in the parking lot I promise you that I saw more black people in the 10-15 minutes I was waiting than I have seen ALL YEAR in MASSACHUSETTS! NO LIE!

I took John to the ONLY gay bar in Myrtle Beach, "Time Out". It definitely lives up to its name by all means. This bar is a time out from reality. It is infested with local South Carolina flavor and if you take a gamble on the right night you can meet up with the ONLY OTHER visitor in the bar. We had no such luck.

It was fun hanging out with my parents and John together. At first it was a little nerve racking for myself because I didn't know how they would feel after they found out that he was a 40-year-old virgin (only part of that statement is true). John also is originally from NY so he often times does not think before speaking. This is a talent that is perfected in the South. Although they aren't the brightest of bulbs in the pack, southerners take the cake when it comes to watching what they say, even if it is in the form of a backhanded compliment.

Back in Charlotte I threw a party for myself. I logged onto Facebook and created an event and invited a whole bunch of people. 16 or so showed up which is more than Zero. It was fun to see everybody and most of them all knew each other anyway.

After this I went with my friends Nicolette and Michael to a bar called Snug Harbor. They seemed excited and pumped about it so I thought I would give it a shot. As it turns out, Snug Harbor is ANOTHER Scott Weaver/Boris and Natasha/Pecan Avenue Gang Bar. OVER IT. How many times can you go to a Glam Rock Party before it looses all its luster? Twice. You can go to exactly two Glam Rock Parties before you are completely over the entire theme. If my own personal knowledge of just how lame Scott Weaver is wasn't bad enough to make me leave then it was when he got on the microphone to tell everyone about how some New York club owner person asked him to do coke with him in the bathroom and said that Scott's Thursday night Glam Rock party in Charlotte, North Carolina was better than any club in New York.

I wondered how much cocaine they had already done.

My Beantown buddies flew into town Friday night. They arrived in time for me to take them to Tutto Mundo where I quickly began to realize that 40-year-old John had become the early 20's Justin from days gone by. It was weird to see him saying hello to every single faggot in the bar. Kisses from france, hugs and jokes. He knew them all. I had a new sense of self during this go round with the Charlotean Gays. They were not as fearful or depressing rather as they have been in the past. It was fun because I knew it wouldn't last. It was fun because they are a sight to see. It was also fun because my friends had never seen "Small town" nightlife and this was it at its finest. After Tutto Mundo we went to a "new" bar called the Gun and Garden Club. There were no guns and no garden. It was also WAY BACK in a dark corner of the city with nothing else around it. It would make for the perfect spot for a couple of white suprimicist skinheads to hang out and gay bash fags all night long as they exited the club. It used to be a club owned by a crazy cokehead lesbian. She took all the proceeds from the door and her events and used them for drugs so it was only open for a good two months. This was the venue where Crystal Waters performed, and I went to her hotel to hook up with one of her backup dancers. It was one of my finer moments.

So at the Gun and Garden club we had a lot of fun. It was only fun for me because I was with real friends. In Charlotte I had always felt a disconnect. I talked to the people around me but only because I had to. Now I didn't have to because I already knew that I had other people to talk to.

The next day is when the real fun began...

Possibly Impossible

2009-04-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

This morning was something else.

I started out by stopping by LA Fitness to take advantage of an enrollment deal that ends today. When I pulled into the parking lot I saw this big latin bodybuilder that assured me I was making the right decision to switch gyms. WHEW!

Then I figured it would be easy to hop on the highway to pick up my usual latte and breakfast sandwich but I was sorely mistaken. When I came around the bend I was surprised to see stop and go traffic that was mostly just stop traffic. On the typical (less than) 5 min drive from my apartment to the Sbux up the street took me 30 minutes instead today.

Why? You ask?

The three lane highway was down to one lane so that inmates could pick up trash along the road. This was at 930 AM on a weekday. I agree, it was one of the smartest times to pick for such an event.

When all the money making, law abiding (besides my driving) citizens are trying to make their way to work to fuel our economy and pay for these inmates prisons, we decided to hold them up by 30 min to an hour so that we could clean up a little trash. As if the amount of trash they picked up would clean up my neck of the woods.

I spent the rest of the afternoon dancing in front of my bathroom mirror while making mixed CD's for my 3 hour ride to the beach from Charlotte. I don't know what I am more excited about; the beach, or the amount of varied music I have managed to cram on to 10 CD's.

It was possibly impossible.

Day Off Payoff

2009-04-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today was my day off. Well, yesterday, rather, was my day off. It was a long day. It is weird how fast the day goes by when you have money to "waste". Yesterday I had no money to waste. I had no money to spend actually. I was quite lucky that my friend Kelly was kind enough to loan me 10 dollars that I used for 2 bottles of water, a packet of Taco Seasoning, and a Bagel and latte for breakfast. A little random but it went a long way.

Yes. Even though I was given a Ten Dollar bill, I still bought expensive ass Fuji Water. But when it comes down to it, the little things in life go a long way. I used the Taco seasoning to cook up some ground chicken that I had in the fridge. This will be food until I leave for Charlotte.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous outside. Not to hot, but hot enough to get a little sweaty back from riding around in the car. You know you like it.

I was banging out to my Justin Timberlake CD...Nothing says Summertime like Sexyback and Summer Love...it is all about the Futuresex/Lovesounds.

I made it to the gym in the afternoon where I did weights and managed to stay on the eliptical for a full 30 minutes afterwards. I am still currently working out at Bally's but I was waiting for this paycheck to deposit and start at a new gym, LA Fitness. Bally's is gross, old, disgusting, and it smells like athlete's foot. So I need a change and this new LA Fitness is literally right beside my apartment. It will be nice to be less than 5 min from home once i finish my workout. That will keep me from eating dinner at 9pm every night.

I didn't do much else today besides cook up some chicken and go to the gym. I did however manage to create link on facebook for my friends in Charlotte to meet me for drinks while I am in town. It is hard to see everybody when I go home and often times I don't get to see everybody that I would like to. This makes it easier. It trips me out to think of how full of myself I am that I would make a "Come see Justin Tucker" Party Invitation and expect people to actually show up. What trips me out even more is that within one hour of posting 6 people had RSVP'd that they would attend.

I am having trouble getting to sleep now because I took a nap earlier. I had spent the day alone so when my roommate walked in I still felt like being alone so I went into my room. Since the chair at my computer hurts my butt and I am feeling the strain in my eyes from staring at my computer too much I laid in the bed and played games on my ipod touch. Then I fell asleep. This was at 7pm. I got up at 10:30pm and called my friend Kim. When I logged onto Facebook I found that the "Attending" total for my self-given party was now up to 12 people. Man, I am the SHIT! I invited over 50 people to this biker bar/BBQ joint in town. It is big enough for all of them to show up, and I think it would serve as a great venu for everybody to just hang around for a bit.

It is a really nice feeling that people miss me. I miss the shit out of them too. I now have friends that have moved back to Charlotte that were not there before. I have friends that now have babies. It is weird to think about all the people that I grew up with, actually, growing up!

So anyway, now I cannot get to sleep. I logged on to see if my paycheck had posted yet and it has. So that will help a little bit.

Taking a three hour nap two hours before bedtime is never a good idea...

So I Creep

2009-04-28T06:18:00.001-07:00

Yeah...Just keep it on the down low...

The people that live in the town where I currently reside CREEP ME OUT! Every day I long more and more to move into the city. My heart is set on Cambridge. I think it will just agree with me. I had dinner with some buddies in Davis Square Sunday night and it made me angry to realize just how perfect living over there would be. Young people socializing in the square on a warm(er) spring time night. People gathered outside the ice cream shop and having coffee while talking about something stupid that they think is intellectual. Yes. This is the place for me.

But in the town I live in. Creepers Peepers, man. Seriously.

That guy that cusses at Panera Bread when he makes my morning sandwich grosses me out. I can barely ever understand him besides when he says "Fuck" which is a word I am MOST familiar with. Other than that it seems as though he mostly mumbles but chooses to focus it in my direction leading me to believe that he is attempting to have a conversation with me. This morning what I picked up was that he told me I was lucky because they were supposed to make the eggs in advanced, but when he went to check on them there were none left. So instead he made me two eggs. He kept holding up two fingers. So I assumed this was what he was getting at, but like I said, I do not really know exactly what he was talking about. Today he also added "Alright, Justin, Go get 'em" and although the first time it seemed endearing and almost thoughtful, today it was just a sugar coated farewell. It was used. And expired.

Then as I leave Panera I look around in the parking lot at my "neighbors". The people that live in this town are disgusting. They are either the most hard up blue collar construction workers you have ever seen, or they are the most overweight Italian women wearing terry sweats and ed hardy t-shirts. I wouldn't pick either, if given the choice.

But I'm stuck here. I don't really have the money to move. So this is where I will stay.

For now at least.

The 23rd of loneliness, and we don't talk like we used to do...

Baby Steps

2009-04-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

I deleted my Manhunt account. I also deleted the one I have on Adam4Adam. Those of you who know me will understand why it was important for me to delete profiles from these sites in order to better myself and move on with my life.

I have spent way to many hours online looking for the "next best thing". It is never an overall productive habit and often leads to wasting most of my otherwise constructive time. Take now, for instance. Now I am able to write one more blog because when I went to log-in to my Manhunt account I tried three times before realizing that Customer Service had obviously received the email I sent two hours ago and completed my request to delete my account.

Sometimes I feel guilty when, on a whim I delete the account altogether, but this time I felt good about it. I checked the account and found that it would expire on this coming Saturday anyway and it would have actually rebilled me $30 (that I don't have) to renew my membership, yeah, I was a subscribed member.

So I am happy with my decision. No worries on your end though, when I breakdown and create a new profile and a new account to start up my Manhunt addiction once again, you will be one of the first to know...

Disturbia

2009-04-25T22:14:00.001-07:00

Tonight at worked I helped a couple. Man and man. My parents would be surprised to find that I was helping them look for outfits for their wedding. Their REAL wedding. Gay marriage is legal in the state of MA so it isn't out of the ordinary for me to help two grooms dress for their actual real live LEGALLY RECOGNIZED wedding!

But this couple did not woo me. So far it has been sweet to see these couples coming into to pick out the outfits they will wear on the day they exchange vows. My mind never drifts towards disturbing thoughts of infidelity or the like, and yet I am able to focus on how happy this joyous occasion will be when two men are legally bound (despite whatever "arrangement" they decide upon after 3 years in!).

Tonight's couple was different. One big fat gay man with a grey goatee, and his young late 20 to early 30-something boy at his side. The fat gay man with the grey goatee must have been past 50. The young guy was average, but tall making him seem lanky and thin. It was odd to see the two together not only because of physical differentials but also because of their vast difference in age. Dee was the name of the old fat one. When he approached me it was almost as if he was rolling his eyes on the inside. I saw them and immediately asked if I could help. "I guess maybe you can help us," Dee said, casually as he flung his arms up in frustration. Let the record show, Gays that are planning to wed will ALWAYS treat the rest of the world as if it is still against them, even if the matter at hand has nothing to do with their given situation. His frustration, I assumed, stemmed from his assumption that "nobody would help us pick out our gay wedding outfits". These Wed-Gays have a time threshold that is about the size of my attention span. If you don't hustle your way to greet them immediately then automatically you are against them and their entire cause.

During the entire episode I was on the verge of nausea. For the most part when couples like this come in I try my hardest to just ignore it. "Don't think too much, you'll ruin it," I would tell myself. But in this case it was harder to do so. Dee was one of your typical Wed-Gays, the kind that feels it necessary to so tactfully yet not tactfully at all reveal all of the juicy details. If he is not busy explaining their crusade for gay marriage to a straight salesperson then they busy themselves up with the gay ones by trying to prove their love is real.

Who fucking cares?

You're fat, You're old and you smell like strong soap. One less of you fuckers in the world trying to grab a piece of my pretty little ass.

In typical salesgirl fashion I asked WHEN their "event" was. I was trying my best to tiptoe around the subject. Dee glanced at me, then back at his "blushing bride" and said, "Well...(pause for effect)...we are getting married."

"Oh okay, thats good," I wanted to move away from the subject, it was the first time that gay marriage had actually made me queasy as opposed to giving me hope that romance was not dead yet for a gay dude like me. Dee kept gushing over his "Jay" and talking about how handsome he was.

The thing about this couple that frightened me most was that Jay didn't really talk that much. At first I thought he was foreign, maybe German. I heard what I thought was an accent but he mumbled the whole time. As time passed I realized that it was not an accent but more of a childlike mumble from a meek little boy. This is what began to gross me out. Jay, although taller than myself and Dee, talked with his head down and in a quiet mumble. He spoke as if he had just knocked over his grandmother's favorite vase and was about to be punished. YUCK!

Dee informed me that Jay only enjoyed ONE type of green shirt. Jay never spoke to me directly, which also gave me the creeps, nor did he make eye contact at any point during the sale. Dee talked to Jay as if he were his indecisive son that could not pick out which color balloon he wanted to have, and as if wittle jay-jay was scared of the mean ol' saleslady.

Creepy creepy creepy...

Once we convinced Jay to try on a green that would actually work with the color scheme that Dee had picked out for the wedding he held his head low and when Dee asked him if he wanted it or not he mumbled. The entire time that I was with these two I never understood anything that came out of Jay's mouth. Once he was in the lighter green shirt I told him that the color worked well for him and was great for the Spring, Dee added, "He looks good in anything he wears, but I guess I am a bit bias," and proceeded to brush Jay's cheek.

I'm throwing up while recalling these events.

Dee smelled of harsh soap and I got a disturbing visual of what sorts of things that he and Jay would do that would make him feel it necessary to use such a strong and pungent cleanser. I was almost finished when Dee asked if I had a business card. "Oh Sure! Let me get it," I was so pissed when I thought about this nasty fucker calling me up a few days later and saying something like "I'm not married yet, boy".

I thought of how I would cuss him out and which vulgar words and slurs I might throw his way.

What a friggin' soap scum! YAK

Block Busted!

2009-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

If my day off for the week happens to fall within a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday I have begun to make it a habit to visit Blockbuster on those days. The reasoning behind this is because one day on a venture to my local Blockbuster, the noteworthy saleswoman, Paula, pointed out to me that if I am frequenting this location that much that I should really invest in their Rewards program. It is not a credit card but what it entitles me to is a free "Favorites" rental along with my new release rental. This benefits me because I love to rent television shows on DVD and watch each season all the way through. Its just a thing I like to do. So this way I can do that for free and only pay for the new movies that I watch in between.

So I get on board with rewards. This is in the midst of Blockbuster's "NO MORE LATE FEES" Launch, right? So they explain to me that there are NO LATE FEES, but that if you have the movies for longer than 7 days then they charge your account to BUY these movies but credit you back when you return them. This doesn't sound so bad, until it actually happens because when it does they CHARGE you a $2.50 "Re-Stocking" fee. Whoever came up with this verbeage for their company was a GENIUS! When you say "Re-stocking" to a customer it initially sounds like such a strenuous task that you should be charged on behalf of making blockbuster do this, right? But no. All they are doing to "Re-Stock" is taking the DVD from your hand, placing it on their cart, and then rolling it to the section and taking said DVD from cart to shelf. They don't even carry the DVD themselves from the counter to the shelf!

So when you actually think about it. Why do you need to pay them $2.50 to do this? In actuality, this is what they do every time you return your rentals ON TIME, so what makes it such a hassle when they are a few days after the fact? Just because you don't call the CHARGE on the customer's account a FEE, does not make it exempt from being classified as a late fee. If your DVD's are late, you are CHARGED. This sounds worse than "fee" anyway.

What made all this worse for me today was that when I asked her about this she went on to tell me that in a few months there would be fees for every late rental. When I enquired further she then told me that the company would roll out the program at that time but that she could not talk to me about it now. I thought, "In that case, why the fuck did you even mention it?" I found it hilarious when I realized that Blockbuster was the company that ran huge ads in their windows, billboards, and on TV that screamed "NO MORE LATE FEES".

I guess that didn't pan out the way they had expected.

Breadth of Language

2009-04-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Massachusetts must be the only place in America where the guy making your breakfast sandwich at Panera Bread Company can utilize the word "Fuck" in their everyday jargon used in communication with a customer.

I went by there this morning to pick up a bagel for breakfast. I always add tomato to my breakfast sandwich (bacon, egg, and cheese...add tomato). Since I have been picking this up with my well adjusted remix of their breakfast sandwich delight, the official sandwich maker, Jim has been in awe of my amazing ability to pair such an everyday vegetable such as the tomato with this sandwich. Almost every single time I am in there he shakes his head in disbelief as he hands me the sandwich across the counter, and says "Now that's the way to have a sandwich." No. I don't think he is retarded or handicapped at all. I think that he is a fully competent human being. But I do find it odd that he is so taken aback by this little added detail to my order.

It is funny that with such a simple exchange; me placing my order, waiting for it, and taking it from the hands of Jim, the sandwich maker extraordinaire, you wouldn't think twice about it otherwise. But Jim. He is different. He makes this exchange of actions hold so much more meaning than I ever could.

Take today for instance. A special treat for me this week is that I got to have my breakfast sandwich yesterday since I wasn't going into work until 2pm and then ANOTHER ONE today because it is my day off. So while waiting for it, Jim shouts out my name, shakes his head in usual fashion, but this time looks disappointed in himself. He admits, "Justin, I really fucked up your sandwich yesterday". I was a little nervous because I ate the whole thing and didn't think anything was wrong. I thought he was going to tell me he undercooked the eggs or something. Instead he admits that he forgot to put the tomato on it.

I told him I didn't notice because I was so hungry. Then he reiterated that THIS was the ONLY way to order a "fucking" sandwich. He went on to say that he not only put tomatoes on my sandwich today but instead put THREE "fucking" tomatoes, NOT just one!

I thanked Jim for his kindness and consideration in the making of my sandwich and as I bid him a fond farewell, he nodded, saluted and pointed to the door and enthusiastically uttered "Alright Justin, Go Get 'em!"

It felt good to have someone cheer me on.

I mean, it is my day off, so I don't have to go GET anything if I don't want to. But I needed to hear it. Even if it was the crazy old man that makes sandwiches at Panera, forgets to add tomato, and uses the word fuck so passionately you would think he was talking about a Red Sox loss, or the winter months in Massachusetts.

Who knew? All this over a bacon, egg, and cheese (Sans Tomato)!

Whatta Mighty Good Man

2009-04-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today, over brunch, some friends and I were talking.

We talked about guys, girls, relationships and such. We exchanged our views and whatnot and we joked about my promiscuous behavior. It was a joke because I am not as "bad" as I once was. I have grown up. I know what I want. It is just not available.

One of my friends asked, almost in disbelief, if I would really be ready to settle down right now.

YES! YES YES YES!!! I told him. If there was a man who would love me for who I was, and care for my well-being, then yes I would spend every weekend, and every night and every other waking moment with him at OUR apartment/home. I want so badly to find one person that makes me feel as though I don't need anybody else.

No offense to my friends, you are all really great. Really. But seriously. You guys know me. I am funny. I am kind. I am a special person. My friends all know how lucky a guy would be to have me, but none of the guys out there seem to know either.

In my younger years I spent them throwing myself upon guys I found attractive. I have forgotten how to do this now. I tried doing it last night and it is more pathetic when you are older and know better, than when you are younger and have just had too much to drink. When I think about it I cannot believe how much tail and attention I have pulled over the years and how fast that has come to almost a complete stop. What is strange is that I was a 22, 23, 24 year old that wanted flings with these older men that only wanted to settle down. Now, I am older and want to settle down, but I have already deleted their numbers from my phone!

That doesn't matter, if they were right for me they would have stuck. I want to find someone closer to my own age. To me there is something more sensual about being with someone that is in your own age bracket (or generation for that matter!). You are both experiencing the world at the same pace. You both have roughly the same amount of future ahead of you. There is an opportunity for you to "grow old together" which is essentially what I am hoping to find.

When my buddy asked me in his disbelieving tone, it was not because settling down was something that he, by any means, thought I was or am incapable of doing. It was because I seem so content with the way I live my life now.

Not so. I am really not content. The only reason I seem content (sometimes) is because I am really trying to focus on the things that I have been told help to take your mind off of searching for THE ONE. Career first. Then relationship.

I feel like a twenty 1st century modern single woman!

But really. What I am looking for is a man that I find physically attractive, and you all know my types are varied. He would be someone that is crazy about me, finds me irresistible and cannot keep his hands off of me and yet all the while cares solely for my well-being and happiness.

Is that too much to friggin' ask? C'mon people, I am DYING to be ALL SET!

Mikey Phone Home

2009-04-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

My buddy told me today that after living here for four years he STILL does not feel like this place is "home". I was surprised because there have been so many little things about this city for me to fall in love with that it has turned into my new homestead within the time of ONE YEAR!

The moment I knew I was falling in love with this city was the day that my friend Curtis had come up from Atlanta and we were taking the Ferry boat to P-town. As the boat pulled away I looked at my city, with the sun shining down and the wind in my hair and just knew, this is the place I will now call home. It was the most gorgeous weather that I have seen since being here and it is the day that I keep fresh in my mind throughout the groggy winter. The summer months here in MA are what help tide you over. They make it all worth while. Just give it one summer in Muggy Ol' Charlotte to know that breezy days are worth fighting for.

Just a few other things that have helped me to become accustomed to this wonderful (still) "new" town of mine...

Sunday Brunch at Stella in "SOWA" - Even if it is just to make fun of the ridiculous looking gays - but also a great way to have a place to wear a cute outfit, especially if you didn't get a chance the night before because instead of every other weekend you used your better judgement and stayed home!

Walking around South End/Back Bay - If the weather is nice then the attractive people are out and about. Don't be fooled, Boston is no New York, so...NO CRUISING ALLOWED!

When the weather is warm one of my favorite spots is by all means Newbury Street. Today we talked about whether or not the fashionable people are really fashion conscious or just living out loud. I think it is interesting either way to see what people's take on a designer's runway intent has to offer. You can learn a lot from the people on Newbury. Also, last year while walking down Newbury I was lucky enough to see a guy getting arrested. His car was pulled over by two police officers. They had him cuffed and were pulling a variety of goods out of his car and putting them on the roof. One bag of white powder. One Bag of Grass. Two small vials of God-only-knows-what and a syringe. You would NEVER see this up close in CHARLOTTE, ESPECIALLY not at SOUTHPARK MALL! NEVER!

Duck Tours - The "ConDUCKtors" (Guides) are goofy as hell but it makes for a memorable historic tour. Not to pricey at $30 a ticket considering how much history and site seeing is crammed into one hour and a half. Its a helluva lot better than some fat dude in a grey wig talking all Quaker colonial on a mother-fckr, right? Plus, as an added bonus you get to SIT the ENTIRE TIME!

My Shady Parking Lot - I mean, I know that I don't own the lot or anything, but I do feel so inclined to call it my own, given that I park there every time I go into the city (along with everything else that has happened in that lot).

Fritz is my favorite bar to have a beer and relax. Although I still look more dressed up than the typical patrons I am at my lowest of keys. Fritz is where I taught myself how to watch baseball and basketball. When you are new in a city for some reason no one talks to you. In Charlotte I used to think it was because I was promiscuous and disrespectful but who knew...they thought I was just visiting!?!? Nonetheless, GO SOX, GO CELTS!

One Night I had decided to grab a beer by lonesome. It was one of those nights I was tired of catering to Steve's list of demands and had decided that no friend was better than shit friend. When I got to the bar I sat on a stool all alone. The bartender started a conversation with me. Where from, what do you do and so forth. He was nice, even though he said that he had never seen me in the bar before. I let him know that it was one of the only bars in Boston that I frequented and had been doing so for nearly a year. Time passed while I sat and we intermixed conversation with him doing his job and serving the other patrons. I finished my beer and had planned on only having one, as money was tight and I was driving home. He slipped me a beer, gave a nod and a wink, and it made me feel special that the bartender was hooking me up. We said our goodbyes, he was sad to see me go. Not sure if the plan had been to get me drunk enough to take me home by the end of his shift, but I was sure as shit not ready to wait and find out. On the way back to my car (in my shady parking lot) I passed a group of three gay dudes that were being loud with laughter and just having a good time. They passed a homeless woman that asked them for a cigarette and the man gave her the one that he had just lit for himself. His friends cheered cause they wanted him to quit anyway and the homeless lady thanked him endlessly. They hooted and hollered, and the lady acted crazy. This made me laugh and was another notch in my belt of loving this gosh-darned city of Boston.

I have plenty more where these came from. Tales of being romanced by this wonderful town, but I will save them for later since this is the year that I have committed to showing my friend Mikey how to really LIVE in BOSTON and begin to call it home.

weather you will, or weather you won't

2009-04-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

A different dream I had a couple of nights ago, I would assume stemmed from the horrible weather here that is taking forever to GO AWAY.

The snow has melted but the rain is here for now.

In my dream, my friends and i were searching for our car. As it turns out the car was BURIED in the snow and we had to dig our ways into the car through the snow. I remember sitting down on the snow and using my hands to scoop up the snow beside me and kept pushing my feet down in the snow, the way you push on the sand with your feet when you are laying out on your beach towel. Finally the snow below me caved and I found myself plop down in the backseat of my friend's car. Snow caved in on top of me. I yelped and started scooping snow out the side door. My friend did donuts in the parking lot with my door wide open while I shoveled snow off of my lap with my hands and into the street yelling "Snow Go Away! Snow Go Away!"

With dreams like these, I think I need a vacation.

My Dirty F-ing Mouth

2009-04-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. It was taking place while I was visiting home. (I am getting ready to go in May).

The whole family was altogether watching a movie or something like that. Actually now that I think about it we were all watching a movie and then we were all in this huge body of water. There were bouys with different family memebers and I was swimming from bouy to bouy. Finally we all separated because there were waves. It was strange because we were in the middle of this body of water, so it was not ocean-like. Then all of the sudden we all stared up into the sky and these Huge TV screens lowered and images and messages and sounds came across them. This was some kind of famous water park where they displayed a light show and then the waves and the water started acting up. I remember looking to my brother and saying "Is this really what they are famous for?" I was not impressed.

Later on at the house when I was in my room my brother came in and said that he did not like my language. I tried to reason with him and tell him I understood but it had embarrassed me because someone else was in the room that I didn't know that well. We fought about it a lot and I slammed the door on him, but then opened it to talk to him more about the situation. I plotted that for the entire weekend I would not talk to him for the rest of our time there.

It was a weird fucking dream.

Mr. Clean

2009-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

I guess I am just lazy. You could call me a sloth. I just hate the idea of cleaning.

When I think about everything finally being cleaned I get depressed. This means that there would be nothing left to do. Once it is all done there would be nothing to do accept sit around and look at your clean apartment. You would not be DOING anything in your apartment because you would be exhausted from cleaning it that you would not want to have to do this anytime soon. So you would look and not touch.

Another scary part about cleaning is that once you start you cannot stop. If you clean up and get to a worthy level of ultimate clean, then the problem is that you have to maintain it. You have to get in the habit of cleaning it all the damn time, over and over, it never stops. If you just leave it messy, well, then it is ALWAY messy. Maybe I fear inconsistency?

I would prefer to be always messy, than to either CONSTANTLY be cleaning up, or Never fully satisfied with the level of clean. When it comes to cleaning up, the thing that really sucks is that there is always something else you can do.

Take the bathroom, for instance. First. Put away all the product scattered on my counter. Move all decor and clean bathroom counter. Sweep the floor. Mop the floor. Launder Bathroom rugs. Clean the toilet. Change the toilet paper roll. Empty the trash can. Clean the Shower. Clean the Shower curtain. Change the wire rack from shower that is rusted with soap scum. Windex the bathroom mirror.

If this wasn't enough. Go through cabinets and throw out old or expired products. Finally get rid of all the almost empty shampoo bottles.

I mean this is just too much.

By now most my friends have realized that they do not go into my bedroom or bathroom unless they have to. The close ones have become accustomed to my lifestyle and accepted me for who I am. I cannot tell if this is a good or bad thing. Seeing as how these are the only ones who would be honest enough to hold me accountable. Luckily their rooms are messy as hell also.

I'm All Set

2009-04-01T18:27:00.001-07:00

if you never noticed it before, you sure as shit will now. i hear it time after time, i cannot tell you how much in one year I have heard the phrase "I'm all set" uttered from a local's mouth. They say it all the time; "You, all set?"

Am I all set with what mother fucker? What are you people talking about? I think it is hilarious and I love to say it now. I AM ALL SET. Bitch.

It can be meant as an endearing term or a gesture of fuck you. It can be said in anger or out of sheer sincerity. I personally like to say it to everyone when I have had too much to drink.

The phrase "I'm all set" can let a homeless person know you don't have any money and do not want to hear their pitch.

"I'm all set" can let a commission salesperson know that you do not want them to "bother" you or that you just want to purchase what you have already selected, not what they are about to show you.

"I'm all set" can let your waiter or waitress know that it is time to bring your check or possibly that you are completely finished with your meal.

"You guys all set?" Can be asked when the party is ready to leave the establishment.

"You all set?" (and raised eyebrows) is meant as fighting words.

"You all set?" (with raised eyebrows and a flat hand gesture) can let your girlfriend know that you saw her flirting with that guy and that you will be breaking up with her in the car ride so she needs to be "all set" and get his number because you, on the other hand, are all set.

(this was taken from a true story, I actually observed this one first hand between the couple at a party)

It is a great ending to a fight. It is the "Fuck you" of open ended questions. It is a way to sound as though you are sincerely concerned while letting the opposite person know that you want them to pack their shit and leave, because then, and only then, will you, yourself, be all set.

Crazy EM

2009-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

I loved her so much. I always do. The crazy little girl. I fall for them easily. I want to help them. Take care of them. I'm gay, so I don't fuck them. But you know. I don't know. It feels good to be needed. Although I have had times when I pulled myself away because I knew that things had gone a little to far here and there.

I had this friend. Em. She was cute. Really fun. She's a great girl and means well. She is destined for disaster though. I think that her mom lived a rocky life and because of it Em suffers. I remember this being something that we briefly touched on. Of course the subject wasn't one of her favorites to discuss.

We met at work. We will both admit that we never really cared for one another before actually working in the same department with one another. Then love ensued.

We both thought the other was quite annoying. We laughed about it once we each confessed.

It started out slowly. But then we became thick as thieves. We did everything together. I did wind up loving her. I cared for her dearly but she decided to keep giving her heart out to people who didn't want to fully respect her in regards to what she deserved. She is beautiful and should take more pride in herself.

She went crazy. Out of control. That is when we lost touch. This is the point at which it becomes easy for me to walk away. I told her to make her own decisions, I wouldn't be apart of the bad ones.

People have to make up their own minds when it comes to dealing with the cards life deals. It always pisses me off when people say that they have it worse than someone else.

WRONG.

The dealer deals. You play your hand. We all get dealt cards. Figure out how to play them.

Move on.

Everyone. In. Sameboat.

That is how I see it. So that is why it is easy for me to abandon people when they deliberately choose NOT to follow the path that is obviously right.

We spent most of the summer together Em and I. We laid out at the pool. We found a pool in a high class neighborhood that was at the lake and would drive nearly 30-45 minutes just to lay out there. No one was ever there but it was the nicest pool to lay out at in Charlotte. We bought these drinks called "Peels" at the store because they were alcoholic beverages with REAL FRUIT JUICE in them! "Live After 5" in Downtown Charlotte was a regular occurance. We had our picture taken with a tin man at one of them. It was one of the best summers of my life and for that I am thankful.

I miss you Em, wherever you are, good luck with that, I'm all set.

It's Official, I Live here Now

2009-04-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized something. I live here.

No, but really, I live here now. Last year I never felt that connection. I was ready to leave and go on to something else or I was ready to give up and end up right where I started but now, I live here.

Now.

I realized this when I thought of how fun it will be to take some friends of mine, from here, around my hometown on my next visit. They are excited to go because they have heard loads of stories from "various" locations throughout the "Queen City" and they are ready to see for themselves.

I also came to the realization that in this year I don't have the connection to my friends from Charlotte that I felt last year. I am connected here. I am excited about my friendships and they that is what they are turning into. They are not just people I have met, they are people I have gotten to know and become closer friends with. I feel lucky to have met the ones that I have managed to maintain. It is tough moving somewhere new because it is easy to give up.

I know what had worked for me in the past, I know what had not worked. When you see these character traits in someone from the beginning it is hard to give them enough time to manifest into something more than a mere acquaintance. All in all this one rule will translate no matter where you are: the ones that are worth keeping, will always stick around. It's true. I have managed to find some really great people to surround myself with up here and I cannot wait to take them to Charlotte and show them a few little nuggets of life that have helped me get to where I am now.

On previous visits to my hometown I was fleeing my surroundings and trying to submerge myself in what had once felt so right. With each visit this feeling slowly faded and now the tables have turned. I am going as a vacation, not as an easy out. I am the most excited about spending time with my family. I have missed my mother and father very much. I have not even gotten to see my sister-in-law or my new niece Daisy since I first saw her when she was born (She was born the January 19th, 2008, while I was up here looking for an apartment). I only got to hold her once before moving and since then her and her mother have been ill everytime I have ventured home. I have warned my sister-in-law that she is NOT to be ill and to keep that baby healthy cause I HAVE GOT TO SEE HER CUTE LITTLE FACE!

It's a lot better feeling when you look around and have the peace of living somewhere instead of just moving. 2008 I was in a constant limbo of wondering which world I should strive to connect with. Now I am happy with where I am at. Well, at least as far as my friends are concerned.

My wallet, that is another story altogether...

Bitter Sweet Symphony

2009-03-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am beyond bitter.

I hold loads of contempt for a population that I belong to by default. Being gay sucks dick, with absolutely NO PUN intended! Just because of my orientation I am lumped in this category of men. I didn't choose to join their clan but for some reason I have automatically been inducted into their hall of fame, much to my own personal dismay.

Gays are awful. They are awful hateful people. They are consumed with vanity. They are worse than women! If I wanted to surround myself with the drama of being that self-conscious then I would hang out with my girlfriends more often. It is hard enough as it is.

We go out in the world. We look at the media. We die a little on the inside when we realize we will never look that way. It sucks that it becomes our natural instinct to leap to this assumption. "I am not good enough, this is unachievable". It is your first thoughts and you know it. What we never consider is that the models in the picture are from the greater Ukraine and have not eaten human food since they were 12 years old. They stunted not only their growth in height but also stopped their weight fluctuation from an early age. That is why they have the bodies of a 14 year old girl. (I am speaking of male and female models collectively, as these 14 year old girl bodies).

If this was not bad enough. Every. Single. Gay. Dating. (or Sex). Website. Is LOADED with images of hot fucking men with their clothes off. Lean bodies. Muscle bodies. It is absolutely obnoxious.

Now we base our attraction (something that we have now coined as "chemistry") upon mere physical traits. His chest is too puny, his arms are too small, he does not even have a flat stomach. These become our triggers. We settle for less and compromise personality and actual animalistic chemistry between two mammals by only considering our first physical impressions. Forget the fact that in the bedroom you would be perfect for one another. Forget the fact that you may actually have found the only person in a 50 mile radius that you could actually have a conversation with. Throw this out the window. He wears a 36 waist pant.

If it is not one thing then it becomes another. I have begun to hit on ugly guys, and if you think less of me now then wait. Not only have I sunk so low as to begin to go after the ugly fucks out there but in fact, THEY are turning me down as well! They are ugly in the face. They have small dicks. Their bodies are not what they should be. They feel so inclined as to refuse an opportunity from MOI!?!?

There is a guy that I cannot stop hitting on. The first time he deliberately told me that we were not a match. But why? Doesn't it kill you not to know? So I asked. He never told me. He asked that I just moved on. Now that I have seen him around town I know why. He likes fat old men. LOL. Sorry. I really did just laugh out loud as I wrote it but its true. When I say fat I dont mean big boned. I mean fat. Fat as fuck. The guys that he likes have breasts and should wear bras kind of fat. It is ridiculous. It amazes me because he himself is not. He is pretty fit. Football player build but more towards the muscular and meaty side of it. He is big, black, and beautiful and I cannot get over the fact that he doesn't have the slightest interest in me. He is 28. I am 27. You would think that a black guy that was into those that weren't so lean would be ideal for me. I would love it right? A guy that found me sexy in my current state of being (ie not my all time best impression). But no. He likes fatty fucks.

It makes me feel conceited because I have to convince myself that I am better.

I am better than all of them; the good, the bad, the ugly.

Eventually I will prevail, but for now I will just keep strumming along, to this bitter. sweet. symphony.

Lie to Me, I Promise, I'll Believe...

2009-03-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

We start them out so early. Our Children. We start lying to kids from such an early age it is no wonder that the grow up to be adults that spend their days lying to one another instead of just admitting truths.

I passed by a family the other day. The son was trying to be kind to his mother who had gotten him a blue balloon. He grabbed a pink one for his mother and tried to give it to her. She said "I'm going to leave mine here and come get it later".

LIAR!!!

She lied knowing good and well that she would never return to claim her gift. How awful is that? years from now she will be sitting at home just DYING for a phone call from her beloved son. He will be away at school and will more than likely be too busy convincing freshman girls to give him blowjobs because he will have decided, early on, that ALL WOMEN, are deceitful liars that are unworthy of any noteworthy value. I can tell you this much, the last bitch on his mind will be his mother!

It made me think. I know that I lie to my nephew and nieces all the time. It is just easier. But is a small easy out going to harm them in the long run? They beg me to play certain games, they beg me to read them the story one more time.

"I will read it again in a little bit," or "Let's do this first and then afterwards, if we have time we will play the game" What a crock of shit. This is one of my favorite's to say because if we get what the adults value out of the way first then we can just say that we do not have time to get to the other. It is a win/win situation for the adults but the kids get the blunt end of the stick.

I was thinking about how quick we are to lie to children because they do not know any better. I know that I never really give it a second thought except to laugh inside my head when they actually buy it and I get out of reading them the story one more time. This is awful. They know better. I have seen the look of disappointment in my nephew's eyes because he is smart. He knows better. He knows that his uncle, and all the other adults in his life are just big fat liars.

It is seemingly more offensive when you finally reach adulthood and you find out that someone has told you a "little white lie". The only difference is that in adulthood you can speak up for yourself. People don't call it a tantrum when you act out, you are just dramatic.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

Seize the Day

2009-03-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

When times are tough. you thumb through your little black book. You find numbers and names and think to yourself..."whatever happened to that guy?" or "Why didn't anything happen?" You forget, for a moment why you had originally written someone off and never given them the time of day to begin with and since it is cold outside, and nobody else is calling, you give them a second chance.

I met this guy at a local bar a while back. He was with another guy on what I think may or may not have been a date. I found out later that it wasn't a real date because they were not really interested in each other. But this guy, Rico, was interested in me. We found each other online a while after meeting face to face. We flirted somewhat but I never really felt a connection. I actually told him that I had thought the other guy was more my type. But Rico is an attractive guy.

He's really handsome, fit, and you would wonder why I would pass this up? What am I waiting for?

I would prefer to be romanced. Rather than just sexed up. It seems as though nowadays romance is dead and the only thing we have to offer one another is a quick roll in the hay. It is not fulfilling and it leaves much to the imagination. What is this? Where is it going? Am I worth it and is he?

I just don't understand why it can't be more simple. Why can't we check each other out in the DVD isle at Target. Keep crossing paths in the same sections at the grocery store, or both reach for the last copy of a movie at blockbuster and laugh? Where has passion and romance gone? It is just the men of Boston?

Today I was thinking about the fact that the men here just don't even try. I walked into Panera to grab a bagel sandwich (I was JUST in time it was 10:25) and saw this guy on his computer that had been there the week before. We obviously checked each other out the first time our eyes met but on this occasion I thought, "Okay, enough." It was time to put the pedal to the floor and make the wheels burn out. But nothing. He just sat there. He could have come up and introduced himself. He could have nodded for me to come his way. But nothing.

I can't help but think back to the ONE WEEKEND that I was in New York City. It makes me mad that in a place like NYC that is so overcrowded, oversaturated, and overdone that we can't just acknowledge that mindsets are portable. Let me map out my weekend in NYC for you...

Friday I arrived, met friends that walked me to my hotel. On the way I exchanged glances with this built black guy on his way to or from the gym. After making it obvious to one another after we passed he stopped about a block away and stood watching me. Had I not been with my friends I would have doubled back and we could have figured something out. That's ONE.

I had already been emailing back and forth with a bodybuilder that lived in Chelsea so that night I planned on meeting him. When I got off the subway I passed a guy that looks straight out of the abercrombie and fitch catalogue (i have no better description) and typically I am not attracted to these types, but it has primarily been because I have never considered myself to be in their leagues. He doubled back looking at me, with a huge smile, checking me out. That's TWO.

THREE was the bodybuilder that I had been emailing.

When I left his apartment it was night time. I walked around Chelsea listening to my ipod for a while before heading home. I walked past this beefy muscle guy and thought we checked each other out before he rounded the corner. I doubled back and walked past him while he was in line at the movie theatre. As I passed by he followed me, asked how i was doing and where I was staying. We walked around a bit but after talking to him I realized he was obnoxious and not worth any more of my time. Nonetheless that is FOUR. As we passed by the movie theatre on the way to the ATM (he assumed he would need money for a cab because he ASSUMED that I was taking him back to my hotel room, I gave no such impression). This other guy that was WAY MORE ripped up and built than this Number Four guy kept eyeing me down. I was sad that I had already taken up my time with number Four but when we got to the ATM soon enough FIVE came around the corner. Like I mentioned before he was so built. Seriously competition shape, huge, most girls would be turned off at how muscular he was, NOT ME. As four and I walked away from the ATM, Five lingered closely by waiting. Four asked if I wanted to grab a drink and I told him that I was not interested, he left. I walked up to Five and before I could speak he asked "where are you from?" We started up a conversation and walked around a bit, he said that he left his bag at the gym and asked if I wanted to walk with him to go get it. We headed that way. We exchanged numbers and he said that he would like to hang out again that weekend before I left but that he had to get home to let his dogs out.

Even though I only "corresponded" with number THREE I still felt a great sense of accomplishment after having 5 options in ONE DAY!

Saturday I made my way over to Chelsea to walk around some more. At this point I was mainly going for research because I was fascinated with this new way of life. I walked past a guy that was walking his dog. I noticed him checking me out and smiling from a block away. After we passed each other I looked back to find him and he was nowhere in sight. I walked back to see if he had headed down a sidestreet but could not find him. Soon enough he came out of a store and we started talking. This was number SIX. He said he was on his way to meet friends for lunch but that he would love to meet up later. We did not. but it was still number SIX.

I called number THREE and went over for afternoon delight. It came with a bonus because he mentioned that he had just bought a grill and would love to use it. He grilled salmon, shrimp, corn on the cobb, and made a nice organic salad with avocado. He also made his own balsamic vinegar. We corresponded once while he was making the salad and then again after dinner. We smoked a cigarette on his balcony and then I headed out. I had also been emailing with this guy that actually lived in San Francisco. He was in town for business but wanted to meet up for a drink. We met (after a long hour or so of me walking around trying to figure out the streets in NYC). It wasn't so much the streets that the bar I was looking for had closed a year before so it was not actually where it said it was, and in actuality did not even exist. Once we met, he was number SEVEN. We went to Gbar and Splash, I was not impressed with the crowds at either place. He mentioned that in August everyone was at Fire Island or the Cape. After he left for the night (that's a different story) I met number EIGHT. EIGHT is GREAT, but he was on drugs and even though he had a nice body I found him dancing on a speaker by 2AM taking his pants off. NOT ATTRACTIVE!

On the train ride home I noticed this guy with great arms sitting across from me. The city was scary so at the time I did not take chances. Had I known then what I know now, he would have been number NINE!.

On Sunday I met THREE for brunch. You can't knock a sure thing in the midst of such uncertainty! We parted ways and I walked the streets of Chelsea for one last time before heading to my friend's wedding.

At the airport on Monday (LaGuardia) I sat across from a handsome black man while I at a slice of pizza. He was number TEN. He followed me around the gift shop for a while after lunch and we made casual and flirtatious eyes with one another.

Number ELEVEN was this nice looking, handsome gay man that followed me into the bathroom before I boarded my plane to fly back to Charlotte.

Needless to say, ELEVEN opportunities in ONE WEEKEND ALONE! I don't understand why I cannot for the lift of me swing a date here.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears...

2009-03-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

I joined this website called Bear 411. I felt it necessary to connect with a website that promotes men being men. Average if they are average or burly and beefy if they are that. I sought out another dating option avenue because Manhunt has gone straight to vanity. Every single profile on there lists unachievable standards by any man and it is frustrating to search through pages and pages of people that I am not compatible with.

When I first joined the site I was getting comments and emails left and right. I could not keep up with all of them. Upon joining I adopted a fresh outlook "everybody gets a chance".

A few years back I told my best friend, Adair, that I had adopted a similar outlook on the dating scene. She said that it sounded more like "I will lower my standards". She was kinda right. Desperate times call for desperate measures? Not so much. I am trying really hard to not become affected by the vanity in the gay world. It is tough stuff though. Every ad that you see has a guy showing off his flat stomach. Every where you turn there are men with their shirts off. Advertisements for sex toys, lube, condoms, HIV testing, and the list goes on. Is this what we stand for? I mean. Everyone knew we were sexual deviants back in the early 90's but c'mon guys...does it need to be right in your face all the time?

That takes all the fun out of it anyway. Wasn't it hard enough trying to keep people from calling us animals and savages? Now we come up with names for ourselves like bears, otters, cubs, and wolves? Can't we just be a bunch of dudes with an expendable income?

We might as well keep referring to ourselves as these forrest creatures because nowadays when I go out into the gay public I feel like I am in the jungle. I am too scared to talk to these guys because I feel like everyone around me is a predator. Are they lions?

What does that make me? A Caribou?

I'm sick of it. If you ask me these guys are just a bunch of monkeys!

My Un-Sexyback

2009-03-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been feeling really unattractive. I think that it comes with the job when you sign up to participate in this thing called "gay".

Everywhere you look there is a picture of a young guy with ripped abs, and spikey hair. If the pictures are not right in your face then it is listed in the personal ads that these guys are posting. "Looking for similar"...has vanity reached a such a new high that we are trying to date ourselves? I would never think to put that in my profile. Maybe it is psychological. Maybe it is a sign that if I am not looking for someone that looks just like me that I am not happy with myself?

I don't think so. The funny thing about it is that I am happy with myself RIGHT NOW. The only thing from keeping me from complete happiness is someone to call my own. When I look around I feel like the only offers out there are looking for ripped muscular dudes (and since there are SO FEW of those around out there, the pickin's are quite slim). Who doesn't want a hot guy? Why would you go through the efforts of making up an online dating profile just to say "Hey, I'm just like everybody else, I want a hot guy with a flat stomach!". What is the point?

If we are all after the same thing then why do we need to list it?

Another thing that bothers me about this gay dating "scene" if you would even call it that, is that our attention spans are so short, we can't even grasp the idea that weight comes and goes.

These guys that are so in shape now, will reach a point when life and gravity has its way with them. Then they will be singing a different tune...aka..."I'll take anything I can get at this point!"

If they are so dedicated to the gym, then why wouldn't they want to start off as friends with a guy like me and help me stay motivated to work out? Weight comes and goes. I can't help but get discouraged when I think about the guys that are not coming after me now because of my weight, and then I think about what happens when I loose this weight. I don't want to date them then either! If they won't chase after me now, I don't want them at all!

So this makes me depressed, and gets me discouraged from working out. If I was dating someone I would be going to the gym all the time. I would be striving for the best me that I could give to them. I am almost too afraid to workout on my own for fear of finding someone who only liked me at a compatible weight or body type.

When I was home in Charlotte for a visit I spoke with my friend John about my weight. I tried to explain that I was fine, it was everybody else, and he told me that "all fat people say that".

Fuck you John, I told him. I explained that I was truly happy with my weight and my body. I am content to the point that I would never take diet pills or steroids or go on any ridiculously strict diets in order to JUST find someone to go out with me. Pointless right?

When this year is said and done, I do not think I will renew my gay card.